My husband and I got married in 2013 but have been together since 2011. He had a 4-year-old daughter, and I had an 8-month-old daughter. He took her in just like his own bc her dad had nothing to do with her, and his daughter’s mom also had nothing to do with her, so I took her in as my own as well. Now his daughter and I we have an amazing relationship. My daughter & I also have an amazing relationship. Now my husband and I are a different story.
He works so much, and it’s a swing shift. He says he’s doing it for us so we can eventually start to build our forever home and all the other things we are very privileged to have extra money to do. But I would give all that up for more time with him. I feel so emotionally disconnected from him. I don’t know if he’s checked out or if I have. But I really love this man, and I know he loves me. We still have pretty great sex after 15 years together at least twice a week, which I think is healthy. But He doesn’t try to have a build up just wants sex so he can get on with the rest of his night. I have a lot of animosity towards him right now.
I just don’t know what to do anymore bc I have told him when he is here, he’s not really here. We don’t have deep, meaningful conversations anymore. When he’s at home, we have our shows we sit and watch together, but the things I miss is he used to just reach over and caress my leg and have me come over and lay on him. It’s those little intimate moments that are gone, and I really miss them. Just looking for some advice because I have tried to tell him, and I also want him to cut back on work some and spend more time together doing things like we used to. Like we do nothing anymore bc he’s ALWAYS FREAKING WORKING.
I opened up about how, over the last 2 years, I’ve begged for intimacy, attention, just anything to show he does want me and maybe start dating me again but stopped asking because I got tired of being rejected over and over again. I just told him today I feel like he thinks I’m just a side character in his life that’s here to do things for him and that’s it.
Sorry this may be all over the place, but so is my mind right now. I’m emotionally drained. He also gets aggravated with me very easily and will raise his voice over the smallest things. It’s like maybe he doesn’t care about the things I have to say when I start talking. Sometimes he will like roll his eyes and pause the tv or stop whatever he’s doing and just stand there looking at me like, “Okay, whatever. I really don’t care.” That’s how he makes me feel. Thanks, guys!
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Backup of the post’s body: My husband and I got married in 2013 but have been together since 2011. He had a 4-year-old daughter, and I had an 8-month-old daughter. He took her in just like his own bc her dad had nothing to do with her, and his daughter’s mom also had nothing to do with her, so I took her in as my own as well. Now his daughter and I we have an amazing relationship. My daughter & I also have an amazing relationship. Now my husband and I are a different story.
He works so much, and it’s a swing shift. He says he’s doing it for us so we can eventually start to build our forever home and all the other things we are very privileged to have extra money to do. But I would give all that up for more time with him. I feel so emotionally disconnected from him. I don’t know if he’s checked out or if I have. But I really love this man, and I know he loves me. We still have pretty great sex after 15 years together at least twice a week, which I think is healthy. But He doesn’t try to have a build up just wants sex so he can get on with the rest of his night. I have a lot of animosity towards him right now.
I just don’t know what to do anymore bc I have told him when he is here, he’s not really here. We don’t have deep, meaningful conversations anymore. When he’s at home, we have our shows we sit and watch together, but the things I miss is he used to just reach over and caress my leg and have me come over and lay on him. It’s those little intimate moments that are gone, and I really miss them. Just looking for some advice because I have tried to tell him, and I also want him to cut back on work some and spend more time together doing things like we used to. Like we do nothing anymore bc he’s ALWAYS FREAKING WORKING.
I opened up about how, over the last 2 years, I’ve begged for intimacy, attention, just anything to show he does want me and maybe start dating me again but stopped asking because I got tired of being rejected over and over again. I just told him today I feel like he thinks I’m just a side character in his life that’s here to do things for him and that’s it.
Sorry this may be all over the place, but so is my mind right now. I’m emotionally drained. He also gets aggravated with me very easily and will raise his voice over the smallest things. It’s like maybe he doesn’t care about the things I have to say when I start talking. Sometimes he will like roll his eyes and pause the tv or stop whatever he’s doing and just stand there looking at me like, “Okay, whatever. I really don’t care.” That’s how he makes me feel. Thanks, guys!
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I’m very sorry to hear that you’re having marital difficulties.
Here is the thing, you’re going to have to be very honest with him so he understand what’s at risk.
Sit down when the girls aren’t home and when you’re not angry and tell him you want to have to talk. Then start the conversation something like this:
“Jared, I have something to talk to you about and I very much need you to hear me out fully before you speak. I married you because I love you because I know you are, at heart, a good man and I know because I’ve seen how much you love the girls. And I still love you very much. But frankly I wonder whether this relationship has a future? I have told you multiple times in the past, but I feel like you and I have disconnected. I have asked and begged for you to spend more time at home. I have told you I need more time with you and my intimacy with you, you’re my life partner, but you’re never home. I understand that you think you’re helping our family, I understand you love us, but what’s happening is we’re drifting apart, and our marriage has grown stale. I would like to try and salvage in relationship because you do mean a lot to me, but that can only happen if you make a strong commitment to change and you agree that we will enter marriage counseling together. I think it would be good for both of us to talk to someone that doesn’t have a side in this dispute. I’m hoping that you will agree to do this so we can try and save what has been a good marriage at times.”
If he tries to get out of the marriage counselor, you tell him that’s nonnegotiable. Say you’ve heard it all before about how he’s going to change it never happens and you’re not going to do that again. You’d like to save this marriage, but it’s going to have to be done with the help of a professional.
If he doesn’t go see a therapist if you refuses to change, please book an appointment yourself. Sometime with someone who is a sounding board and who is a neutral in a relationship might help you get in perspective make the choices that you need to.
Good luck
I am the husband in this story, and I have perspective, as Ive come out the other side.
Your husband has a provider mindset. If he even THINKS someone in his family wants or needs, he is going to support it and work to make it happen. I struggled to cut work back, because when we talked about cutting back spending, skipping a vacation, etc. to get to a tighter budget, it would ALWAYS slide back. “It’s XXX last time for xxxxxxx…… we HAVE to”. My mind instantly went to battle mode. Need to get more accounts back, or it will end up on a credit card. Not saying this is your scenario, but i can almost promise you your husband feels this. You literally described ( old ) me in your post.
I have tons of questions! maybe better in DM. Good luck 🙏
He is tired. He is providing.
Do you work? What do you do all day? Your children should be 19/20 and 15/16.
Housekeeping should be a minimum at that age, the kids can help.
If you don’t have a job, go get a job so he can work less. It’s that simple.
Sounds like a man that’s burned out from work. I’ve been there, I understand his side here. 75 hrs a week is intense, and since you’ve been together so long, he’s at the point where he feels like you’ll always be there and if he has no extra energy to give you, then he doesn’t feel like you need it anyways. I would have a deep talk about how it makes you feel. I definitely wouldn’t jump to divorce.
I would guess that he really is just doing this all for you and your future, but he’s so burned out that he’s lost sight of you in the current state. With him right now it’s all about getting to that future where you can be happy, that he’s sacrificing his own happiness currently. This is what men do, we like to provide and give ourselves up for our women and children. It really is a bad thing, but that’s how us men think. Most of us are fine being miserable as long as our family is well fed.
Have a long heart to heart with him. He’s a good man in a bad headspace. Likely very depressed.
do you work? if not…maybe it’s time to start looking for a work, so his work load is less. as someone has stated, he does seem to have a provider mindset, which is pushing him to take on more and more hours, and he is likely exhausted when he is home.
also… how often do you plan things? it does sound like you don’t have kids together, so your oldest 2 must be teens now. so it’s a lot easier to plan things for just the 2 of you and it doesnt have to come from all the time.
I get it it’s hard when he works so much and that he is tired. been there.
my husband has been on night shift constantly last 3 years now. partially cos he loves working at night, pay is better and since our middle one started school and we have twin 5yos, it’s a lot easier to tackle school pickup/drop offs. I don’t work currently so him working nights was also a blessing and he was able to put on more hours as by the time he leave or is back, we are either asleep or just woke up. most of the time it’s on me to plan things and it can be exhausting. but communication helps a lot.
All relationships require hard work. It qualities and circumstances are all different. The next one relationship could be with someone who works less but doesn’t treat you guys as well.
I think we all give up too easily!
Show him this thread.
I really suggest couples counseling. A very wise man once told me.. “start counseling with your partner before your problems start, because there comes a point when the problems no longer have a solution within the bounds of the relationship.”
It sounds like you guys genuinely love and appreciate each other and he’s working himself too hard. His behavior is a clear indicator of burnout and stress. It is unlikely just work, but a combination of things. You won’t know unless you can get him to open up.
I saw a divorce attorney on a podcast say that today 56% of marriages end in divorce. It breaks my heart to hear it, and for a couple who truly seems to care for one another and the kids, I beg you to try to get in front of a competent, good, qualified therapist!
Ah, the man provides, the man takes in the kid, the man does all he can do for them. The woman gets bored and thinks he’s the issue. Got it
INFO
What’s the end date for his 75 hour/week crunch?
How close are you to saving the desired amount?