My husband and I are 23 yrs apart. We’ve been together 22 years. He’s 64M and I’m 41F. Been together since I was 19. I got married to him at 22. We met in the rave scene. He used to be my best friend could talk about anything now all we do is argue. He finds fault in me in the simplest things. He’s not physically abusive and he’s a great partner in cooking, grocery shopping, taking care of the house but I feel he mentally and emotionally abuses me and gaslights me everything is my fault when I’m never the one to initiate an argument. He’ll just blow up about the dumbest stuff. I’m a peace make by nature but I also stick up for myself and try to explain when I’ve felt wronged by him I can’t reason with him. He’s like talking to a brick wall. Never admits any wrong doing. He’s always been a little this way but it’s ridiculous at this point. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells afraid he’ll get upset by something random. When we first got together he was the provider. Now I got my degree with his help and support have been at my company 15 yrs and now make decent money $90k. He chose to retire early during covid and has spent his time renovating our home. We bought in 2004 so are close to paying it off. We still owe $63k but pay way over every month.
I just don’t know what to do. I still love and care about him but this relationship is destroying me at this point. We’ve always been respected and viewed as an example of a beautiful relationship defying the odds of other people’s expectations. We’ve have a beautiful home that we’ve created a magical space together everyone loves to come to. I care about his son who is one of my best friends and his girlfriend who live very close to us. I feel like if I leave what does that look like? I’ll throw away what from the outside looks like the perfect life. Hurt so many close people around us. Have to leave my dream home and live alone in an apartment and probably have to pay him alimony which I don’t think I can afford. Also the house isn’t paid off so where is he supposed to go. I can’t imagine him in an apartment it would destroy him mentally and I don’t want that. I just don’t know him anymore it feels like. I’m afraid I’m to leave and afraid of what it will do to me mentally to stay. If anyone has had a similar situation or advice I’d appreciate it.
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Read this back to yourself but pretend its your best friend telling you this. What advice would you give her?
Well that’s how grooming and age gap relationship works .. your relationship expired it’s trauma bond . Take positively and move on . You have a long life ahead and don’t overthink whatever decision you make . It will be hard in the beginning as you got into this relationship as a teenager but you will be okay
Has he gone to the doctor lately? Could be health issues cropping up.
Could also be related to being a lot older than you are, retired, feeling old and useless. You’re still young and vibrant and working. Insecurities show up in weird ways.
I’d sit him down when he’s calm, and just be blunt about it. Tell him you don’t know how much more you can take.
As far as what others think, to hell with that.
Leave before he meet mental decline and you really feel stuck caring for him. You’re way too young to give upon yourself.
If his change in behavior is this bad, it could be medical in nature. Can you talk to his son and see if you’re not the only one to notice the change?
Especially with someone this age, it’s always a good idea to get possible neuro issues evaluated. Then you can have more information before you decide what to do.
You are so young, it’s not too late for a new start where you focus on yourself and potentially have a new partner in the future who’s closer to you in age. He’s literally a senior citizen now who is emotionally abusive and it won’t be long until you’ll be burdened to care for him, all the while he mentally drains you.
He’s only gonna get older and meaner. Let him live out the rest of his days however he chooses and you do the same. Pls you have a whole life ahead of you. You could restart rn and you’ll be fine
Get a therapist for yourself asap. One who specializes in relationships, marriage counseling. You can choose to give it a try and put a time limit on it (you do t need to TELLL him this!!! Up to you) or you can work on yourself, work on communicating and working with him and also prepare for separation and divorce so you have all the info you need, mental health, etc
You both deserve happiness. Perhaps it will go over better than you think w/him. Maybe he will want and be happier with a slightly older partner!?!?!
Have a consult w/a lawyer to get your questions answered re alimony etc etc
You could also tell him you need space…without discussing divorce…if you want to get into this gradually….
Get your ducks in a row. It will work out.
I have a friend that had the exact same Inception story of her relationship with her ex partner. They were together for 20 years. Toward the end of that relationship she grew up, and he stayed the same but worse. They were super amicable and decided to split. One thing that she told me that I never forget, ” we were fine for years, I didn’t even feel the age difference”. It was only when she hit the 40ish mark, and he refused to take care of his health, finances, and was lying about other stuff; that they split. However they were amicable so there was no fighting about money or assets.
What has changed in your relationship that has caused all this unhappiness? Or was it always like that? You have a lot of emotions that you need to sort into compartments and then revisit an examine. Try therapy, that will help you figure yourself out, and once you are of clear mind, you can take additional steps with Clarity and certainty. Worry less about his feelings and more about yours. Do you really want to spend the next 20+ years feeling like this? He’s 64 now, he doesn’t have as many options as you do, he should truly be treating you better and appreciating you. At 41, you could easily jump start your life from scratch again. It’s crazy to me that he’s not scared of losing you, he should be
Welcome to real life.
I’m an age-gap survivor. I was 21, he was 35. They snatch us up young because we’re sweet, innocent, and controllable. We have no clue who we are when we’re young, so we can defend ourselves.. I mean, we don’t even know what we’re defending yet.. and they financially (but NEVER emotionally) support us into becoming their provider, but usually we have to push through their trust issues to achieve anything. And once we grow up and start to find ourselves they freaking neg us into hating/doubting ourselves so we don’t think about how bad we have it and have had it the whole time.. and we don’t realize we deserve so. much. more.
Until one day we wake up, and we do.
But our life is “perfect.” And everything is set. And everyone looks at y’all as an ideal couple. Except he’s a raging jerk who makes you miserable.
Only you can decide what’s right for you.
I left. I will NEVER regret it. I am happier than I’ve ever been.
You can put your foot down. When he gaslight you tell him he is wrong stand up for yourself.
Leave go somewhere without him. So he learn to respect you. Before you end the sham
Marriage. Try to change it.
Have you gone or suggested marriage counseling? Have you told him that you cannot and will not tolerate mental, emotional abuse and if it continues, you’ll be gone?
You can try marriage counseling but an abuser doesn’t change. Especially not at that age. Work on making a safe exit and maybe hiding away funds. Talk to a lawyer so you’ll know what you’re up against.
Please be safe
Is he rich?
Ask yourself if you would even have anything in common with a teenager. I’m guessing no. He groomed you and now he abuses you. Life is short. Move on
Look, my take on this:
Male here. I see a lot of “yaaaas queen” and “you’re stronger than you know”…whatever…support your fellow woman.
Male point of view.
He ain’t got long left.
You can take half now or all of it later.(unless he has kids he leaving stuff to)
If you can stick it out. Now from what I read he isn’t violent, he’s gaslighting and playing mental gymnastics with you.
Probably safe to assume that bedroom activities are far and few between of at all.
Put him in his place or play the mouse role.
Remember, if you leave you get half. Cool, probably be set for a while or enough to get you on your feet but, you can have everything, free and clear.
Fine gets much worse by means of mental decline I’m sure you could also explore option of placing him in homes or assisted living.
I have never been in a similar situation but after reading this I have one thing to say: you don’t owe anything to anyone, only to yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. You say you will “hurt” so many people – but then the only other option is to continue hurting yourself. Don’t do it! If they are truly your friends, they will want to be there for you and support you and if you don’t open up to them, you are taking away that opportunity for them. And if they will truly be upset with you or blame you for ruining the relationship, they were not your friends in the first place.
When it comes to the alimony – I would consult a divorce lawyer.
You’re 41. You must know what he did to you 😭
I guarantee the people around you don’t truly believe you have some “perfect life”, they all wonder why a creepy 40yr old would have dated an 19 yr old. Why spend any more time with a man that is nitpicking and beating down your self esteem daily? Go and be on your own, you never had the chance and you have a lot of life still to enjoy.