I am 30F, a doctor, new to the country and getting my medical license here, and therefore studying very hard for the exams. I have passed nearly all and just one last step remains.
My husband, a 34M native has been dealing with ‘mental blocks’ for years which makes him incapable of completing his masters or taking up any job. Obviously this leads to resentment and sorrow on my side to realize why I didn’t properly read him before marrying.
Well fast fwd to now. We have a 13 month old baby and live in a miniscule two room student apartment. Ofc because of the baby, the whole place is always a mess. Now my husband, in order to distract goalposts, has now been focusing very hard on the ‘cleanliness’ of this student dorm. He is outraged all the time at the plates and pans and clothes and toys that our baby loves pulling out and throwing around. And the rage is directed at me for being a sloppy woman who can’t take care of home. In fact he reasons, if I can’t keep this tiny pigeonhole tidy, I don’t deserve to graduate to a bigger house, and that is another reason why he should not work and stay the sloth he is.
I am not that autistically tidy, I concede. But just like all normal people, I can’t go on tidying the place up more than 20 times a day. Oh, I do tidy it 19 times a day. This just exhausts me and distracts me from focusing on my goals and having general sense of ease.
I clearly know that he is being a jealous A-hole, and instead of humbly accepting that he is failing at so many fronts in life, he pulls off this macho mental manliness mojo to put me down.
Please don’t say I should divorce him. That is really not an option for me. But please could one offer some sympathy, or strategies on how to deal with a jealous cranky spouse?
Comments
Sounds like if you’re not willing to divorce, you all need couples therapy to deal with these feelings. Also, maybe he needs solo therapy as well to help him bust through his hurdles. And if he’s not studying, working, etc. he could be contributing to the upkeep of the apartment as much as you are. Maybe then it’ll stay “clean”?
Well you said no divorce. And I will respect that.
I will suggest you murder him.
He seems awful
If you legally can’t divorce him, then just take your baby and leave. Preferably the country. He is not a good person or a good parent.
Seems like a waste of a life to not divorce…but that’s your choice.
I’d just view him as a roommate. Once you are making doctor money you can get a house keeper and maybe a nanny to help and ignore your “husband” for the rest of your life.
(Assuming couples therapy doesn’t work or you don’t want to waste time on it)
Edit: or could you just leave and live separately without actually divorcing?
Nope. Sorry. I don’t deal with jealous cranky people who aren’t willing to have agency in their life. Sort yourself out and I’ll talk to you when you have appropriate coping mechanisms and don’t act like a child.
>I am not that autistically tidy, I concede
Ironically most autistic people I know are extremely messy. You might be thinking OCD, which is understandable as there’s a lot of overlap.
If divorce is out of the question then try to convince him to go to individual therapy to help him find healthier and less toxic ways to manage his lack insecurities about failure other than directing them towards you.
>My husband, a 34M native has been dealing with ‘mental blocks’ for years..We have a 13 month old baby
I really won’t ever understand why women have babies of men who don’t have their shit together.
>And the rage is directed at me for being a sloppy woman who can’t take care of home.
Maybe he should pitch in and take on some of the housework since he isn’t doing anything else. The man doesn’t have a job, isn’t finishing school. Meanwhile, you’re studying for important doctor exams and taking care of a newborn.
>Please don’t say I should divorce him
Idk what else to tell you, then. What else is there? Continue to live with this dusty man who isn’t doing anything while you study for your doctor exam, take care of a baby, and continue to get yelled at for not cleaning enough.
You’re not going to change him. So you either live with this, or you don’t. Either way, it sounds like you’re doing everything else alone… but when you leave him, you won’t get berated every day for not being enough and you will also have one less child to look over because this “man” is acting like a baby.
Let him know since he is not working from now on he is completely in charge of cooking, cleaning and baby care while you focus on studying. Perhaps study in the library so you can focus without any distractions and stress.
I’m guessing you’re from a culture that believes in traditional roles for women including taking care of the house and cooking as well? I’m very sorry for you that you have such a useless and horrible burden of a husband. It sounds like he’s hopelessly misogynistic as well, given the way he treats you. Any chance you could get either your parents or his parents to convince him to shape up for the sake of their grandchild?
I’m sorry, but why do people put up with this kind of crap?