Throw away account and first time posting on reddit.
My husband (36M) and I(41F) have been together for a bit over 2 and a half years. We married after only dating for about 11 months.
Shortly after I moved in with him (a bit over 2 years ago) he quit his job and recently just started working (like 15-20 hours a week). I make good money but we are horrible credit card debt we need to work through and even with the money I make it’s still living paycheck to pay check. I have been the sole provider for over 2 years. I also do part of the work around the house as well. I work about 50-55 hours a week on top of doing a little side hustle on the weekends (selling online) to try and bring in a bit of extra cash.
I knew when we got together he had a drinking problem and I have always ignored it for the most part. He thinks drinking 6+ beers on a night is not a bad thing as long as he eats something. He also smokes and needs to have pot as well. I try to make sure he always has everything he needs but I feel like every time it’s not enough.
We will always agree to x number of beers and then he always needs more, or if I don’t agree to it he’ll drink more before I get home and then we will fight about it. I have gotten mad a few times and broken things by throwing them on the floor but never actually hit him at all. I do not drink. About a month ago he got really angry and ended up slapping me to calm me down. I doubt he remembers even doing that, or a lot of the horrible things he has said to be when he was drinking. After these happen he tells me is going to stop drinking but that next last more then a week or a few days.
He REFUSES to get help and has said if I ever try to do anything like that he will kill himself because he doesn’t need help. He also gets really needy and will call me at work consistently and gets paid when I don’t answer the phone. He also gets really depressed and talks about how the world is going to end in a few years.
I don’t know how to handle this without him blowing up. It’s like walking on eggshells when I bring up stuff like this because he doesn’t have a problem and it’s under control and I’m just trying to be controlling and he can handle himself he’s an adult.
I know a lot of people will ask why I stick around and why I put up with this. When he’s not like this he’s loving, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I do love him, the other part of me wonders if I’m just scared of being alone.
There is a lot of backstory I’m leaving out because I do not want this coming back to him.
Thanks everyone for the advice so far. Are they are of the Al Anon Online Meeting people could link for me?
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Just divorce you two are abusive. You don’t get to say I’ve gotten mad and throw things like a throw away line. You’re sick and so is he.
Just so you know, you can go ahead and divorce him over his drinking he may or may not get sober, but no healthy man wants to be married to a rage filled women who breaks things in her tantrums like a little child.
marriage after dating less than a year AND you knew had a drinking problem AND you both are physically abusive…nice.
if you actually prefer that reality over being single, you have a serious problem.
divorce and go to al anon
>My husband can’t see his drinking is destroying our marriage, how do I let him know? submitted by ThrowRA999666111222
How about “Bob, your drinking is destroying our marriage. If you do not get the help you need I will leave.”
>My husband (36M) and I(41F) have been together for a bit over 2 and a half years. We married after only dating for about 11 months.
>I knew when we got together he had a drinking problem and I have always ignored it for the most part.
>I have gotten mad a few times and broken things by throwing them on the floor but never actually hit him at all. About a month ago he got really angry and ended up slapping me to calm me down. I doubt he remembers even doing that, or a lot of the horrible things he has said to be when he was drinking.
>He REFUSES to get help and has said if I ever try to do anything like that he will kill himself
Look for an AlAnon family meeting near you.
I knew when we got together he had a drinking problem and I have always ignored it for the most part.
Sorry, it’s too late now. Did you think things would magically improve? There are no magic words, only powerful incentives. As in, get help or we’re done.
He’s an alcoholic and needs help. He will drag you down with him. Ending it and leaving might be the only way he would get help. Maybe he won’t get help anyway.
So he barely works, has a drinking problem, has put hands on you, and has threatened to kill himself instead of getting help. If you really sit down and think about it, I would bet my hair that the times when he is “loving” is far outweighed by the times where he treats you like shit. Do you really want to waste more precious time, years of your life you’ll never get back, providing for a man you have to walk on eggshells around?
I’ve put up with this myself. It doesn’t end. It doesn’t magically get better. You can’t wait it out or talk sense into him. Your love and effort won’t fix it, it will only drain you. He has to decide he has a problem and actually do something about it, nothing you say or do will make him do that. Look up Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think it’ll shock you how much you can relate.
You got married too fast when you never should have gotten married at all. If you don’t want to be married to an alcoholic then get a divorce.
“How can I tell him his drinking is destroying our marriage?” By divorcing. Divorce is not a crime.
“He refuses to get help and says if I do anything he’ll kill himself” because yes that’s a very sane thing to say, anyone in sound mind will resort to suicide when their partner asks him to stop drinking.
You’re overworked and super stressed so I won’t point fingers for your rage tantrum but you need to control your temper. But first and foremost you need to get rid of him.
“But I’m afraid he’ll kill himself” don’t be. He won’t. He’ll find another idiot to pay his booze and pot and keep up to his destructive behavior. You don’t need to stay
It’s not gonna change. Leave. Love isn’t destroying a marriage. What exactly do you love over being treated like this that makes you stay, cos this ain’t love.
Divorce.
I mean, seriously.
>He REFUSES to get help and has said if I ever try to do anything like that he will kill himself because he doesn’t need help.
If he can’t even acknowledge the problem and then threatens to kill himself when you even try something, there’s nothing else left to do but leave.
He is a alcoholic plane and simpel as that. And aslong he does not see this as a problem he is never gonna accept help. You knew he had a drinking problem before you get married. What did make you think he would quit or stop?
Yes, it’s destroying your marriage. Get out, because if you don’t it will get worse. I promise you that.
Just tell him you need to leave because his drinking bothers you and go. Get him off banking and get your paycheck deposited in another account.
You’re afraid of being alone. Trust me, it’s much better than where you are right now.
You think if you could make him understand, he’d stop, but he’s addicted & doesn’t want to stop.
You need Al-Anon meetings, immediately. It’s different than AA, & they have them online.
Really though I think you should just leave. He slapped you. That’s textbook abuse, & it will only escalate.
Divorce.
Ouch… get out before this turns into a very sad story.
He won’t see it and it will get worse. Don’t waste anymore time on him
I just replied to a similar post a couple of days ago.
alcoholism
Repeat after me: “ I am not a rehabilitation center” addicts will always addict. It’s not you, they’ll make threats, they’ll struggle and you have to let them. He will drown you with him. Leave him, let him figure out his life. Addicts will do anything to not give up their addiction. Throw him out if it’s your place or pack up and go if it’s yours, be happy if there’s no kids and try again after you’ve healed and gotten some therapy and gone to Al anon.
Most times the things that brought you together are the very things that break you apart.. married 43 yrs .. quit substances 8 years ago… it’s just so much better when you remove the lying and the bullshit believe me.
Do you really think so little of yourself to put yourself through this. Please get a grip on this situation as there is no positive outcome here. He cannot and will not change for you. There is no miracle cure. You working harder, longer and being nicer to him will not stop him drinking. Why continue?
He drinks every night. You say he’s good otherwise, but nearly all the time you spend with him, he’s drunk. And he slapped you? Come on girl, being alone is great!!! Dealing with a drunk asshole is not. Get out of there!
Wow. This is really toxic, and you two need to break up. He obviously is not willing to change, and you can’t make him.
You both need to be in therapy. Go get your life right.
He quit his job. Stop buying weed and alcohol for him. If he wants it, he needs to get a job.
He’s an alcoholic. You turned a blind eye to it and are now married to this. He does not see a problem, so it will not get better. He won’t make changes or get help.
Add in the abuse and it just makes it worse.
You choose to live like this or leave. It will get worse.
https://al-anon.org/
^ These people will help you. Nobody can help your husband until he wants help. Go to this site and find a meeting near you.
So you willingly and knowingly got into a relationship with an alcoholic drug addict unemployed loser and are now stocked that he continues to be an alcoholic drug addict loser. Not only that, but you pay for the privilege and actively enable his addiction and are here along how you can make him not… Him.
Good luck. Because if you can’t see wtf is going on here no one can help you.
You willingly married an alcoholic. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. He hit you once and will do it again. Leave and STAY GONE until he is at least a year sober and doing the work to stay that way. There is no easy solution or platitude I can share to convince you or him of the permanence of your situation.
Take a deep breath and ask yourself if this is like you want for the next 40-50 years.
If the answer is yes, talk to a therapist or alcohol counselor.
If the answer is no, talk to a divorce lawyer immediately, find a safe place to live, and remove yourself from this toxic mess.
Please walk away. He is a hard core alcoholic and will bring you down with him if you stay. Leave. Find a roommate situation or move in with friends until you can find a place of your own. Start divorce proceedings. Go to AlAnon and listen to the stories of people who spent many decades living this nightmare, thinking it would magically go away if they kept enabling the addict.
If you are not ready to leave, at least look up an Al-Anon chapter in your area. you do not have to tell your husband, probably better if you don’t. Joining Al-Anon will help you navigate his bs and manipulation as well as give you people to talk to that know what it’s like to live with an alcoholic.
File for divorce. That’ll let him know.
So you sleep 8 hours a day, work 8 hours a day, he’s drunk 6 hours of the 8 you have available. You knew this going in- he’s not going to change for you. Plain and simple. This is your life if you don’t make a change. He’s got it good- his wife takes care of everything so he can be a drunk so he not changing a damn thing.
Bro, you knew he had a substance abuse problem with alcohol, weed, and nicotine and you ignored it? What did you think was going to happen, that it would go away magically? His drinking isn’t destroying your marriage, he was never ready to marry with his addiction issues.
You are having money problems and basically are the only one working. Stop supplying beer and weed those are 2 things that can be given up because they are not necessary they are wants, he does not need either one. If he wants them that bad then he needs a paycheck to purchase them. I would not spend my money on such frivolous items any more. He has been physically /verbally violent with you but you excuse that due to his drinking. You get angry and throw/break things. You rushed into a marriage with someone you barely knew who has decided to make you his caretaker/ATM and you are willing to accept this because you don’t want to be alone. Aren’t you alone now, working and caring for your weed smoking alcoholic dependent because that all he is not husband. Get the divorce because this marriage is not working and will never work. You can’t make an addict get help if they don’t want it. You cannot save him, only yourself. You yourself need therapy to find out why you are content to live this way and accept this behavior. Don’t worry about his suicidal threat because that’s all it is a threat. Save yourself, get out now. Would you continue to wear shoes a size too small that constantly pinch your toes and make it unbearable to walk? Absolutely not, you would take them off trash them, donate them but you would get rid of them and not put them on again because you know they are going to hurt. That’s the situation you are in now, take off the tight shoes and walk pain free again!
Leave him.
Tale as old as time. Just search “beers” on this sub, I’m sure you’ll find a bunch of other doormats who tries to fix their partner’s alcoholism with denial and codependence
We TEACH people how to treat us through our actions. Start making divorce plans, speak with an attorney and suggest a therapist. I hope you can find balance in your relationship and life.
Leave him and get a divorce. You don’t need to wait for him to have a good day. He doesn’t need to agree with you. You cannot fix his addiction, no matter how much you love him.
I’ll just say neither of you seem to exhibit healthy behaviors in the relationship. Throwing and breaking things (even when not thrown at someone directly) in front of a partner is considered a form of domestic violence. I would recommend that you leave the relationship and seek therapy to help you process the relationship and avoid continuing these behaviors in the future.