I am 33f. My husband has been struggling with mental health issues since the pandemic. Over the past three years, he’s had difficulty holding down a steady job, and his behavior at home has become erratic, which raises concerns about his mental stability. We’ve been together for over 10 years, but he’s changed significantly since COVID.
Recently, I discovered that he accumulated over $30k in credit card debt that I was unaware of, which I paid off for him. I’m unsure where the debt came from, since I’m the one who pays the mortgage and covers other household expenses. A few years ago, he had a drinking problem, which he seemed to have overcome, but I constantly worry about the possibility of a relapse.
In the past few months, I’ve even considered leaving him. He’s generally become very negative and cynical, largely due to the stress of job searching. While I want to support him, it’s been incredibly draining, and my own mental health has started to suffer.
What should I do?
Edit: He is seeing a therapist and receiving medical treatment for his mental health issues. I’ve left a few times to stay with a friend for a few nights, and his behavior would improve temporarily. It always seems to slip back a few weeks later. He blames his mental health for the debt he’s accumulated.
Edit 2: I asked him a few times if he has credit card debt, but he denied it, so the $30k really caught me off guard. Now I suspect he also has student loans that he isn’t being upfront about.
Comments
>Recently, I discovered that he accumulated over $30k in credit card debt that I was unaware of, which I paid off for him.
Bailing him out probably wasn’t the best move, but I understand you meant well.
>I’m unsure where the debt came from, since I’m the one who pays the mortgage and covers other household expenses
Understanding where the debt from is important. Was it a shopping addiction? Gambling addiction? Did he use it buying “gems” in online games?
By wiping the slate clean with no understanding of where the debt came from could leave an underlying issue untreated.
Unless the two of you are both interested in marriage counseling together (and maybe additional separate counseling for him), there’s not much else to do but start making your exit plans.
Does he take responsibility for his actions? Is he taking steps to change?
If not, do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
If yes, do you want to stay for the struggle?
Maybe read “Too good to leave, too bad to stay” to get a more objective read on the situation.
One question comes to mind : how come you are the only one paying the mortgage and the household expenses ? What does he contribute to exactly ?
$30k in debt and not knowing what the money was spent on would be a deal breaker for me. Hiding debt is not okay and it would make me wonder what else he is hiding.
Personally I am not willing to help anyone if they are not willing to help themselves. If I were in your shoes I would be telling him that he needs to seek professional mental health care if the relationship is to continue.
Literally what did he spend the money on? Like how do you not know?
Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP and learn your options, but do not tell him until you are ready to file. Divorce him to protect yourself. Only he can decide to change himself. Don’t let him continue dragging you down.
He has already seen that you not only put up with all this, but that you will bail him out. Someone like him sees that as what he can get away with. You likely don’t know all of it.
I don’t understand why you don’t know where the debt came from? You paid it off but didn’t look at the statements? It is likely something really bad.
$30,000 is such an eyewateringly massive amount of money that the fact that he can’t tell you where it went would mean immediate divorce for me, no questions asked. there are no good reasons for that amount of money to be unaccounted for: either he’s hiring sex workers, or he snorted it all up his nose and is hiding a major addiction from you, or he has a gambling problem… all of which are reasons to bail.
he can’t just blame his mental health and have no idea where the money went. i’m severely mentally ill and i know exactly where my money’s going, even and especially when i’m spending it like an idiot would. divorce.
Are you seeing a therapist?
Taking the could and should out of it; what do you want to do? How do you want to feel on a day to day basis with a partner and do you feel like you have put in enough time to achieve that with this person that you can be certain it won’t happen? (It sounds like you have.)
30k is a lot and you shouldn’t be on the hook for that.
I feel like people forget that any job and income contribution is better than none. I went back to bartending when i lost my job before I found a new one I really wanted.
Does he have family that can support him while you take some time for yourself?
You need to find out what that money was spent on.
Maybe I’m jaded, but I bet porn/sex/cam workers are involved. I don’t understand how you can sleep not knowing where it went? 30k is a down payment on a modest house.
Guy got a nice gig going, free living, free food, no bills to pay, no work to suck the life out of you, someone cooks and cleans for you and provides sex, and he can just sit at home doing fuck all and blow 30k on secret addictions that he has no need to be held accountable for or disclose what they are.
He’s been out of work for 3 years and somehow managed to get himself into a salary’s worth of debt. $30,000 is SO MUCH MONEY. I know you said you’re a high earner so maybe it doesn’t compute, but that’s close to how much money I make in a YEAR. Maybe you’re in shock but you’re really underreacting to this.
I couldn’t stay with someone who took advantage of me like that, no matter what the excuse for it was. Mental health issues are not our fault but they are our responsibility, and he’s not taking responsibility if he won’t tell you where that money left. That lie of omission ALONE would be a relationship ender. Is it drugs, sex workers, gambling? Get yourself tested for STDs, OP.
He spent $30K and has nothing to show for it?
I would be VERY VERY concerned about transfer addiction, which is when you just trade one addiction (alcohol) for another. Gambling and possibly sex workers/porn subscriptions would be high on my list. Drugs would also be a possibility.
You need the statements, now. You need to see what where he was spending this money. If it was cash advances, you need to know where that money went.