Hello
im 25f and my husband is 26m. we had our son 2023 of may. when he was born my husband was over the moon. i have never seen any suspicious looks from him, ive never seen anything from him that would suggest that he was doubting me. i was cleaning our apartment today, and when i started with his office i saw that there were a bunch of documents laying around everywhere, so i started trying to organize them. he keeps them organized by colored tags and i was putting all the different colors together in stacks. i wanted to put these documents in his drawer once i had them all organized and when i opened this drawer i saw a couple papers that had no colored tag, so i read it to try to figure out which stack it belonged to, but when i started reading it i realized it was a paternity test done on our son literally a week after he was born. i just put the stack of papers i had organized on top of that one in his drawer and left it there. when he got home and went to his office, he asked what i had done to all the papers and i told him i organized them by color and put them all in the last drawer. when i mentioned that drawer he kind of went pale and his eyes widened and tried to play it off like “Oh ok babe thanks” and walked into his office where i heard a bunch of papers ruffling inside.
he then came out and started acting completely normal as i guess he thinks i didnt see it. i dont know what to do. obviously the kid is his but i dont understand why he would do something like that. why doesnt he trust me? we have been together for 7 years. this is so painful for me.
maybe he has been doing something behind my back and he was projecting? i dont know.
edit: he is home, i will just go to him and speak to him about this now and update when im done.
Update: so, some of you were right. he had a friend (who he is no longer friends with for a while now) who was cheated on. his girlfriend got pregnant and he demanded a paternity test, and the child wasnt his. apparently, this friend really got into his head as he would say things like “i never expected this from her” and he told my husband just to be sure to do it. hes been telling him for 7 months before i gave birth. he said did trust me and felt horrible doing it, but he was just so scared and let stupid things get to his head. i told him i was extremely hurt by the implication as i have never done anything to make him think of me that way, and that it would take me a while to get over this. he was almost crying and telling me he loves me so much and he was extremely apologetic. he organized a little grandma visit for our child to his moms place, told me to get ready and he now wants to take me to (my favorite) expensive resturant, and after walk around this lake i love walking around where they have some small snacking stands to spend some time together. to everyone who was immediately telling me to consider a divorce, i hope you learn how to love and forget things. people do stupid things sometimes, they get anxious and things can get to them. he listened to me the whole time i was expressing how much it hurt me, and told me the guilt of doing that behind my back was so bad the first time he did it that he couldnt look at me in the eye for 3 months, and didnt know how to tell me as he knew exactly what i would think about it. he never tried defending himself, he only apologized and said he loved me over and over. i love my husband so much, and he loves me, and we love our precious son. please dont let stupid things destroy your lovely marriages.
Comments
I would ask him outright why he felt the need to do this without talking to you.
Then consider if you are willing to be with someone who doesn’t trust you.
Men dont get the same security in children as women do.
Also its a good idea to get a paternity test for anyone having a child. If the test says hes not the father, and the woman knows she hasnt cheated get a maternity test, because the hospital could have given you someone elses baby
One thought would be- does he have any friends or family that would doubt you? It’s possible that someone else urged him to do it and he did just to end that conversation.
Because many wives that husbands trusted. We’re not trustworthy. He did it to avoid just this situation. And offended you. It’s not about you. Then the pure fact of paternity. To know 100% it’s his kid.
Once you meet a guy who has raised a child to near adulthood only to lose them because they are not the father to the child. You can’t understand.
I feel like I’d be hurt too honestly, but to me personally this isn’t a black and white subject
I used to think I would never get a prenup because why would I marry someone of I dont trust them? but as I grew older I realized even if I fully trust them, this is just a way to protect myself in the very off chance im wrong about my partner.
I feel the same with paternity tests, in fact imo. I think they should be mandatory because of the amount of people who have been royally screwed over paying child support or even going to prison for not paying when the child never even was his.
I just think it’s fair, however even if it makes sense to me logically I can honestly say I’d still be very hurt that I wasn’t trusted. it’s a rough place to be
overall though im sorry you found out this way, that’s even worse then him just telling you from the jump.
Honestly, I think more people need to support men being able to do paternity test they have every right.
IV been through this before my personal feelings is he is not doubting you he is just in his own head
Imagine raising someone else’s child all your life and you didn’t know my son is 12 now coming 13 and if he wasn’t mine I couldn’t just walk away from him but at the same time I’d be broken forever
He probably fell victim to the online bullshit of “you never know unless you run a test”. It’s so toxic and gets in their head.
I am a little dramatic – You should frame the papers and put it on his side of the nightstand with a let’s talk post it note.
You need to talk to him – why did he do this? I think for your own piece of mind and to know if you can rebuild trust or if not.
Trust but verify
Just ask him straight up why he didn’t trust you and got a test behind your back.
Ask him why he was so sure that you cheated and had another man’s child. Ask why he felt the need to get a test one.
A man who does this thinks his wife cheated. There’s nothing else about that. This is why women will give their husbands a paternity test alongside divorve papers. Why stay married if there is zero trust?
Your husband thought you cheated and were such a monster that you’d try to pass off an affair baby as his. He doesn’t trust you. When you were dealing with the newborn trouble he was thinking you cheated on him and sneaking around.
Your the only one who knows your husband on here, so take as you see fit. Projection is a real thing. I’ve seen so many men in relationships start to accuse their partners of cheating when it is in fact them that is cheating. I’ve also seen men accuse heir partners of cheating when they are hopeful they are NOT the father because fatherhood isn’t working out they way they imagined and they want OUT.
Only you can answer this though. Seems like your already suspicious if projection has already entered your head. Might be worth investigating?
So I actually offered my husband a paternity test when we found out because all this paternity crap was everywhere and I thought fuck it maybe he had doubts. Obviously the child was his and he looked at me like I had 5 heads. He said “obviously the child is mine, I trust you implicitly and when would you have had the time to cheat? We spend every day together.” And that was that. That’s the difference. It was all out in the open. All the trust was there. He never doubted me for a second.
To do something this massive and hide these doubts seems just so gross. I think there is a HUGE cognitive disconnect between getting a paternity test and actually the reality of what needing one means. Paternity tests have been somewhat trivialized by media without discussing the flip side of the coin which is, the relationship has no trust, you truly believe your spouse cheated, got pregnant, hid it from TWO people and is continually lying about who the father is and basically calling their character lying cheating trash.
For me this would need therapy to dig into what the hell went wrong.
Either he is cheating himself, or someone told him to get a paternity test done.
When I read posts like this deep down they make me feel bad that men in this society are insecure
I don’t blame him. It’s just for his piece of mind.
I am female and I think that we should have a standard DNA test at birth. I know those are fighting words. But if it was standard then it would become normalized and women wouldn’t have to feel like their partner doesn’t trust them. I mean they do a blood test when the baby is born. Shouldn’t that be controversial? The father could determine the baby is not theirs because of incompatible blood types, if they know how to understand them.
My point is that unfortunately men don’t have the luxury of knowing 100% that the kid is theirs. There have been cases where they believed the kids were theirs but later found out the mother cheated.
Why are you mad when it gives him peace of mind?
Because your husband isn’t an idiot.
I will never understand why people get so offended by paternity tests.
Get over it. He never accused you of anything. He didn’t drag you into it. He just went out and got a test to be sure. Because he can. And because children would be better off in this world if they all had paternity tests done, to avoid drama down the road when they are older.
Paternity tests should be standard practice at birth, but instead we get all weird about them.
We all know which uterus a given baby came out of. Why shouldn’t fathers have the same reassurance?
(And yes I’m a mother)
Did you take a picture or make a copy of it? Because he’s gonna hide that sucker and pretend like you didnt see what you saw when/if you confront him
I don’t get all of these people defending him here in this situation. Should he have wanted a paternity test, fine, but he 1000000% should have had the balls to talk to you about it beforehand. If he had any doubt in his mind on the integrity of your relationship, that should have been communicated.
All he’s done now is make you wonder why he did such a thing and bam, now while he may have received the reassurance the was looking for, now you can’t fully trust him and he is currently keeping something from you. Now you wonder what else he is keeping from you.
It was a cowardly, selfish move on his part.
He clearly thought you were the type of person to cheat and pass off another man’s baby as his… I mean, that’s the only reason to get a paternity test done.
Have you considered that it isn’t anything you have done but more just for some self reassurance?
Everyone is different, and unlike women, where parentity is virtually guaranteed except for the most extreme scenarios, it isn’t the same for men.
It’s prob someone in his friend group that got into his head or perhaps someone he knows that went through a similar situation only to find out the child was not theirs. Alternatively, if he’s ever been cheated on then there is your answer.
It’s unfortunate but I wouldn’t divorce him over it, the sad reality is things like this do happen and nothing is more heartbreaking than learning years later that the child is not yours and that your partner may have strayed.
If he is a good partner, guaranteed he felt like a fool when he got those results back and he will never question you again. This is a teachable moment that will replay in his mind for years to come.
Further, don’t question yourself. This is not a you thing, it’s a him thing. You are not the one who did anything to cause this mistrust. It will be hard but try to imagine if you were him and just how sad it must have been that he needed to do a paternity test in the first place.
You’re in the right to bring it up, but I’d wait until you are in the right head space to do so. It’s not what you say but the way you say it that can alter how this conversation turns out.
I would not be able to see my partner the same way, knowing both that he didn’t trust me and that he behaved cowardly rather than have a difficult discussion.
I think a conversation should have taken place, but I also can understand why a man would want 100% proof. We as women never have to question our paternity and can’t really put ourselves in that situation where we would ever have to.
I don’t think you should automatically assume lack of trust, maybe it’s a need of reassurance for him. From this post, and his lack of communicating with you, it’s clear you both need to learn how to talk to each other.
I honestly don’t get why people get upset about paternity tests being done. Women have the luxury(in most cases) of being 100% certain of our link to a child, what’s wrong with giving the other parent that same comfort.
Consider this: women always know their kids is theirs. Men don’t. What’s wrong with wanting the same level of certainty?
Okay I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for this and I’m not saying what he did was right but I will say this.
I love, trust and respect my partner 100% but there’s always that small, toxic, “what if” portion of my brain that causes me anxiety over this. Committing to raising a child is a huge commitment, you’re both essentially signing 18 years of your life over to this child. And again I’m not saying he would need to, but getting yourself removed from that obligation is extremely difficult, if possible at all. As a woman you will always be 100% sure that the child is yours, as men we don’t get that guarantee until a test is done. And there are so many stories out there, both on and off reddit, about paternity fraud it’s enough to cause anyone to spiral over it.
For example, say you’re buying a car from a trusted friend or family member. You know that person would never screw you over… but you’re still going to test drive it before you slap down thousands of dollars for it. Same principle applies here. I think he just gave into that toxic part of his brain and had to be 100% sure. I can’t imagine how utterly devastating and soul crushing it would be to wake up years from now and find out the kid I’ve been loving and caring for wasn’t biologically mine. Honestly I think paternity tests should be part of the delivery procedure.
I’d ask him to get and STD test and immediate access to his phone. If he asks why, say, well you obviously think I’m capable of cheating which clearly means you are too. See how he responds to being accused of cheating. See if he hands over his phone and gets the test.
Op. Please go with your own decisions and do not put to your heart the advice from strangers. Unless your husband has done anything else wrong, there’s no wrong in what he did, although he owes you an explanation.
I’m going to go against the grain here. Doing the test is so easy. The thought process could be more like “why not when it’s so simple” more than “I actually think she cheated”. You have the benefit of being in control of the situation. He does not have that privilege.
We get covid tests for free where I live. I had some expired ones sitting around. I’ve taken a few when I’m 99.99% I don’t have covid just because the test was easy and they were destined for the garbage. Why not. Very likely a wasted test, but if it turns positive, then maybe I avoid passing covid on.
What are you going to do? Start a fight over this? That won’t improve the situation. Is that what would be best for the kid? Some people are like “question why you would be with someone who doesn’t trust you”. This would be such a dumb hill to die on.
Reading this post actually kinda makes me wanna get a paternity test. Cause why not. I dunno, maybe the hospital mixed babies up. Weird stuff happens. It’s my personality to like to be sure of things. It’s not a knock on others.
Are you sure it’s a test for your son? Could it be a test for a different child?
I may be downvoted to hell for this comment.. but I just want to say it. I am a woman. I feel that if a man wants a paternity test, he should be allowed to get one without any reason needed. I am an overthinker. I like solid facts for most things I do. As a female, we know 100% that kid is ours. Males do not have that same peace of mind. He has no reason to doubt you and proabably didn’t think you cheated. Just maybe wanted the facts so he didn’t have that little tingle in the back of the head.
I honestly don’t know why people are always so upset about this. It seems trivial to me.
All of you should be ashamed of yourselves for projecting your insecurities and assumptions upon this lady.
We don’t know why he had the paternity test done. We shouldn’t assume. OP, ask your husband. There are numerous reasons why you would need a paternity test other than finding out they are the father, including:
Social Security or other dependent benefits, inheritance from the father’s side, complete medical history in the future, child support in case of a divorce, immigration to another country, child custody, some insurance companies require proof.
Did you have your child before marrying? In that case, did your husband sign an Acknowledgment of Paternity form? If not then a paternity test is required for the reasons above as well.
At the end of the day, ask him with a clear mind. Have a proper conversation with him and let him know how you feel. Tell him you don’t understand why he had the test done, and that you were hurt he didn’t ask you beforehand/felt the need to do so without your knowledge. That’s it, leave it at that. Don’t come in swinging with accusations or assumptions.
Other than that, having a child is scary. Tons of anxiety and questions and doubts will cloud everyone’s judgement. From a man’s perspective, I fully support required paternity tests to streamline both the reasons listed above, and peace of mind from the get go. It’s the same to me as letting my girlfriend go through my phone in my eyes. If it gives her peace of mind, I don’t mind. She has been in rough relationships in the past and if it helps her heal, I will do anything. Perhaps your husband is also just flat out broken a little inside as well and is just trying to mend that. Now that he knows you are the mother, his trust is increased with you. And no.. trust is not a blind process, that’s faith. You earn trust or are vetted out to be trustworthy. Length of a relationship does not = trust in the relationship.
I personally plan on getting a paternity test for my children no matter who I end up marrying. It has less to do with the possible mother and more to do with the crippling fear I have of the hospital handing us the wrong baby.
When I was a child, I used to watch “Desperate Housewives” and there was this plot line at one point where Gabby and Carlos got the wrong child coming from the hospital. They raised the child for years to eventually find that the child that they were raising weren’t theirs. I don’t know if I could ever go through that.
Ever since watching those episodes, I’ve had this fear of leaving with the wrong baby. Not saying this is what’s happening here, just offering a different perspective.
You just won’t know until you talk with your husband.
OP, a lot of this advice seems designed to inflame your feelings rather than offer solutions.
I agree it does indicate a lack of trust on his part. I understand how it could make you feel betrayed.
Others counseling you to start discussing with him are right.
I encourage you to consider that he might have feelings, having nothing to do with you. He may have friends or family where there were false paternity claims. One also sees these stories in the media all the time.
I’m not justifying him. I am showing you that his paranoia is not necessarily a reflection of you.
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Ask him about it. Don’t go into it aggressively, but be direct.
Either he doesn’t trust you or this is all about some deep insecurities within himself. But either way he needs individual therapy, you need individual therapy and you both together need marriage counseling. He needs to figure out for himself why he did this behind your back and why he felt the need to at all. That’s not yours to work out, you need to work out why you felt you couldn’t just confront him with what you found when he walked thru the door. You guys have a serious lack of communication. You’re not trusting each other enough to be direct and open with each other, and that’s a real problem for longevity in a marriage and for parenting a kid together.
Your husband clearly loves you and did what a gentleman would do by NOT telling you about the test. This test HAS NOTHING TO DO ABOUT TRUST & EVERYTHING TO DO ABOUT HIS RIGHT OF KNOWING EXACTLY HIS KID IS HIS BLOOD.
Since the start of humanity, Millions of babies were swapped at hospitals per mistake. Also millions of men have been raising another MAN’S CHILD bcos his wife has Cheated. If you’ve nothing to hide why deny him his right?
You knew it, now he ALSO knows 100% it’s his blood. Lovely ❤️🙏
Just ask the man why and let us know please
If you know it’s his kid, I wouldn’t be so offended. He tested, he found out it’s his. Now he will never have a niggling feeling in the back of his mind. Problem is solved.
edit: Comments are locked, or at least mine is. So wanted to respond the commenter below. No he did NOT accuse her of cheating. That’s either you projecting something from your own life onto the post, or OP edited her story before I read it.. no where does she state that at all.
You’ve been married for a while, and it seems to have a good relationship.
You need to talk to your husband.
The first place your mind went to is why? Secondly, are you projecting and three talk about re building trust case he shattered it.
You need to talk with him.