Hi everyone. I’m 25F and recently got married to someone I truly love and who loves me deeply. He sees me as this sweet, kind, hardworking woman, and for the most part I am. But there’s a part of my past I’ve never shared with him, and sometimes it eats away at me.
Back in college I struggled a lot with money. Tuition and living expenses were overwhelming and I didn’t have any family support. Out of desperation I worked as an escort for a while. It was only to survive and to pay for school so I could graduate.
Years have passed since then and I’ve built a stable life. But sometimes when I look at my husband my heart aches because I know he has no idea about that chapter of my life. He thinks I was just a normal student who got through tough times the usual way.
I don’t want to tell him because I feel like it would break his heart, change how he sees me, and maybe even destroy our marriage. At the same time I feel guilty for hiding it. I love him and I want to be honest, but I also want to protect what we have.
I’m torn. Should I carry this to the grave and focus on being the best wife I can be now, or does true love mean confessing even if it risks everything?
Comments
You are clearly upset about this, not telling him is not going to fix this dilemma. You should tell him, set your conscience free.
Tell him if and when it’s the right time. If it doesn’t feel like the right time then no need to worry about it.
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Don’t tell him. Put it out of your mind and move on. If you feel like you need to get it off your chest then that’s a different story but if you’re doing it for his benefit he doesn’t need to know. Won’t make a lick of difference in his life if he never finds out.
Tbh, you should’ve told him before you married. Bc you didn’t, don’t tell him now. What’s the point? What are you hoping will happen after you tell him?
Ppl will downvote me for saying that, but what is your endgame in telling him? It’s certainly not to be honest. Bc if you were honest, you would’ve told him prior to marriage. You’ve “locked him down” and now you want to be honest? Girl, it was the past. Move on and focus on your future with your husband.
Honestly, you’re young, and as you put it, it was a matter of necessity and a lifestyle that no longer interests you. If you put it that way, I think you’ll accept it. Besides, it was before he got married, so it’s about thinking about the future.
being familiar with this exact experience i wonder if you could ask yourself what it is that you mean to communicate to him?
is it that when you were young you made choices that you don’t feel great about for yourself?
or do you think that it is important that he have a specific picture of what this means?
i would just be careful to not use shame that you may not have worked through as a way to pick at your marriage – i am not saying that information can’t be shared, just that it may be important for you to explore your own feelings around it and do that work, before dropping it at his feet. You will be forcing him to do work around it, so to be the best support you might want to be clear.
I would also share with you the story of the comfort women – korean women captured by the japanese army in the 1930s and forced into sexual slavery for the soldiers – and to this day there are protests at the Japanese embassy in Seoul every Wednesday at noon. The thing is that when i think of these now celebrated women i think of their journey back to being whole – and how sacred that journey was. Almost holy to reclaim themselves. And now I offer this understanding to myself, and to you. It is a holy journey and you deserve all the good things.
Don’t tell him.
I used to be very honest and learned to regret it, unfortunately.
You aren’t an escort now, that’s the important part.
He deserves to know. Anyone saying he doesn’t deserve to know something as significant as his wife used to be an escort is a piece of shit. This is something you definitely bring up before marriage not after. Poor guy.
Is your clear conscience worth your marriage? You can’t have both.
Before you decide to talk to him, I’d recommend to talk to your therapist to teach you how to live with it. Conversely, if you are going to talk to him, id first talk to an attorney to make sure your assets are protected.
You can’t have both.
You don’t owe anyone your entire past, you survived and built a better life. If it doesn’t affect your marriage now, it’s okay to keep it private. But if the guilt feels too heavy, talk it through with a therapist first before deciding whether to share.
My take is that you did what you had to do at that time.
There should be no shame on your part for doing that. You made it and honestly, that is what matters.
There are not many people who have the grit you have.
Regarding your current relationship it sounds like you hit the jackpot in a significant other.
I feel honesty is one of the foundations of a strong relationship.
There are definitely people who would let something like this be a deal breaker. I personally think that is both myopic and shortsighted.
I suggest you open up to him about it. I bet he can handle it as he sounds to be truly in love with the person you are now…and he is lucky to have you.
Wishing you the best.
Why would you even consider telling him? There is literally nothing you stand to gain from it. Forget about it and never speak of it again.
Your past is the past. No sense bringing it up.
Think i would like to know I married an escort . Tell him but prepare for the response .
Do not tell him. You will regret if you do.
Hey! Bit of an alternative view here, but you say that he sees you as a “kind, hardworking woman”, and that’s exactly what your behavior sounds like: that of a hardworking woman. So, he will still see those same great things in you, he will just have more context now.
So, if he loves you (and I sure he probably does), then he’ll probably be upset for a while, but he’ll get over it eventually because you’re his wife and he loves you. Also, it’s better to tell him now than to tell him later.
What will you do when (when) he finds out that you were an escort without you telling him?
This should give you some insight.
If, as you keep commenting, he insists on bringing up your past relationships in arguments, I think your marriage is already on shaky ground, to be quite honest.
Your marriage is built on a lie, there is a good chance he would have never dated you past the initial stages had he known. You robbed him of an informed consensual decision. Many, many, men would consider sex work a hard no, I would be very upset learning the person ive built a life with withheld important information from me to coerce me into marriage. You made a choice to be a escort, and this is the consequence of that choice. And dont act like you had no other options, mcdonalds is always hiring and I am currently a college student working my way through, without support and without selling my body.
I couldn’t keep a secret like that; it would weigh so heavily and I’d feel like I was lying every time I looked at my wife.
Hide it deep down. He will leave in a heartbeat . Now if he’s a cuck he’ll probably enjoy it.
I personally wouldn’t tell him if you think it will make him upset.
You are who you are now. Escorting doesn’t make you a bad person. If it’s completely behind you then it’s completely behind you. Move on with your life.
I think it’d be like totally wild if you were still currently doing it 😅 but otherwise- it’s just your past life.
If he didn’t ask, I’d say you’re fine; it’s none of his business anyway. You didn’t lie, you just don’t talk about a desperate time in your life. That’s normal.
You need to tell people that very early on. It’s too late
Yes, if this concerns you, it would have been better to bring it up before marriage. I’m remarried now, and this is my wife’s first marriage. I’ve told her some things about my past, but not everything, and she has shared parts of her past with me too, though probably not everything either. Honestly, I don’t feel the need to know every detail. Our past relationships are behind us for a reason. What matters most is the life we’ve built together since the day we met.
At times I’ve felt torn about how much of my past to share. Since I was married before and she has only been married once, I sometimes wonder if keeping certain details to myself is fair. Part of me wants to be completely transparent, but another part of me believes that too much information can create unnecessary hurt. In the end, I try to focus on honesty while also protecting the bond we have now.
My advice is that you don’t need to share everything if you are no longer that person. The past shaped you, but it doesn’t define who you are today. Bringing up every mistake or detail can create doubt, insecurity, or even resentment, which doesn’t help a marriage grow. What strengthens a relationship is trust, respect, and the commitment you show your spouse in the present. If your goal is to make your marriage last, it’s better to put your energy into building a healthy future together instead of re-living old chapters that no longer matter.
Don’t give in to your personal guilt and confess your past. What is past is the past and if you bring it up now, then it could wreck your marriage (from what you’ve mentioned in other comments.) If you feel the need to confess, you’ve done so to Reddit.
Hopefully you will find peace with yourself.
You’re past the point of no return. Take it to the grave because you have kept it from him for too long and it’s too big an issue to think your marriage will be ok after disclosure.
Well . You do realise eventually he could find out from someone else . What then ?? I married and ex working girl and more than once people mentioned or made sure they knew . Once at a reception a much older bloke made sure I knew and even in front of her over 10 years after she stopped working.. Either tell him or just keep your fingers crossed hoping no else tells him . Is it your own guilt of your past and fear of getting caught out . or a genuine guilt for not tell him .. I honestly think you should have told him well before marriage . Life can be hard but either he will over look your past or it will eat away at him and your marriage could be over . Sad really to be honest . Will you good luck with it .
another L for marrying in your 20s. i’ll never understand what the rush is, and it is literally a rush. how do you marry someone that doesn’t know your past and you simultaneously fear them misunderstanding you?
Sex work is work. You wouldn’t feel this way if you’d worked as a waitress. Would you feel guilty if you’d worked as a heavy equipment operator in construction? No. You worked because you needed money. You did sex work. Forgive yourself for doing what you had to do.
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion (because morally you should’ve told him)….but, if you did so safely at the time, and you made sure that you were free from anything that could’ve been contracted (which I’m sure you would’ve done) then I don’t see the benefit in telling him now. It’s in your past, and you’re not where you were then.
This is an impossible situation.
Depending on your husbands feelings, and his own experiences, telling him could be very positive, or very negative.
For me personally I’d lean into it if my wife told me that, but I’m a bigger freak than most. I’ve also had a lot more experience than most, and I can imagine if he hadn’t, he could feel cheated, and resentful.
You could try to see if he’s into “hot past” kink( look it up).but still tread carefully and thoughtfully if he is.
Don’t say anything now .. it is too late and no benefit.
I assume there is no chance of it coming out?
If you feel you need to share and get off chest get a therapist
If I found out my wife hid this from me it would seriously damage the relationship. You should tell him.
Secrets like these have a way of coming out. Tell him before someone else does
Take it to your grave. Its too late being honest now you’ve got that ring on his finger.
DO NOT TELL HIM. Take this secret to your grave. That is not the person you are now. Do not blow up your life and his over a guilty conscience.
Down votes don’t matter to me. Helping the OP is what matters.
You have to ask yourself honestly, would you be telling him for him or telling him for you.
If this is the sort of information that would hurt him, why tell him? Life is short, if you love him then love him and move on. You are more than your past. Seek therapy if needs be.
Honestly just prepare for both outcomes now or later since you don’t know how he’s going to react, it’s going to wear him down the same way it is on u right now.
Don’t tell him, unless there is a chance he will find out somehow. Make peace with yourself and let it go.
definitely tell him. BUT I have to say, if my love told me that she has worked escort, SO WHAT? Only if she has told me that she was a virgin when we met that would ruin our marriage. I would still love her just I love her right now. If you don’t tell him that thing is eventually ruin your marriage because that secret eats you alive.
Dude here. You didn’t harm anyone and you needed to do it to survive. We know our girls fucked other guys, I’d be more concerned about people you loved, not dudes who had to pay you to have sex with them. Move on from this, you sound like a great catch and he’s lucky to have you.
You should have told him BEFORE marriage! He deserves to know ALL the information.
I think people here see only the husband’s side. Which is fine, he has the right to know, but doesn’t she have the right to be free from her past? To grow up and change? Which right is more important? The right to know or the right to live?
I feel like she should be able to feel like a good wife even without telling him her biggest secret
Nothing good will come from telling him. You owe it to your past self to keep her secret. She did what she had to do so you can have a good life. Do not regret anything, always stand by your decisions. Let sleeping dogs lie and move on.
Honestly, if he changes his opinion about you, he’s the problem, not you. It’s in the past, so what does it matter to him now? Especially if you’re being honest about it with him, i don’t see the problem.
Please don’t listen to these moral stories.
You are not going to gain anything by revealing this to him if you really regret what you have done back then. And if what you say is true about your current relationship and what your husband thinks of you don’t be a fool to tell him.
Yes it’s a painful feeling you didn’t tell him if he asked you but now there is no need, just let it go. How you are taking care of your family now is more important than what you did in the past.
Be good, do good and just learn and forget about that past.
All the best.
Telling him will do no good, to you or to him. Keep it to yourself unless you feel that there is a chance it will get out.
Well, whether he knows your past or not, he saw the person in front of him as someone he’s willing to marry. Maybe that brings him comfort if you tell him, but if you never tell him, then I hope that still brings you some comfort. I think it’s up to you, but don’t forget that you still got yourself to where you are today. Nobody needs to understand that for it to be true.
Take that secret to grave..
Forget the past. Do not tell him about it.
He married a fantasy? Poor guy. Well your options are to hide it (evil) or tell him (good) and accept consequences
In my opinion, it’s none of his business, and this is a secret you take to the grave. It’s the type of thing people can’t help but judge you for. Just don’t tell him.
this is something you should have told him even before either of you said the L word. Can you keep it to yourself the rest of your life and be happy? that is the real question here. Right now the only person you are actually hurting is yourself. Your husband at this point probably would be more upset with withholding the truth than the actual truth its self.
You don’t have to confess to anything because you didn’t do anything wrong. If you were safe, been screened since, it’s only your business. That was your life in that moment. Before you knew you’d end up dating again. There’s nothing wrong with it if you ask me. It’s one of the oldest professions!
Why did you marry someone you don’t feel you can be completely honest with?
No, you take it to the grave. In fact, it never happened. It was just some show that you saw on TV, and then you dreamed you were the main character.
You should tell him and he will understand? There is a chance that he will want you to do hot wife activities but either way you should be fine
Too late now.
Hey – we all made mistakes. You did the best you could at the time.
If you tell him now as everybody said on here you will destroy his heart and soul. Oops, you should have married your like and kind. Hopefully you’re not carrying a disease that you’ve passed along to him.
Don’t say a word.
Don’t tell him. It’s in the past. What good could it do to tell him? Really tho. I also worked as an escort but I wouldn’t be bringing that life with me to my new normal life
You shouldn’t tell him. You didn’t say how old he is, but maybe he already knows and doesn’t care.
It happened before you all were together. As long you didn’t get a lifetime STD that could affect him keep it to yourself unless he gets turned on by those things.
Your comment about getting through tough times the usual way… is basically doing what you felt was necessary to solve your problem(s) at the time.