My husband hid the proceeds from the sale of our house while having an affair with his realtor (found out later)… I filed for a divorce!

r/

** Trigger Warning, mentions of self-harm (SH) and suicidal ideations (SI)**

I will not give exact ages but there is a 14 year age gap with my husband being older. We have been married for 11 years, together 12. For some relevant backstory, my oldest child has BPD (Borderline) and started disliking my husband when she was around 10. She started really acting out in HS with SH and SI. She eventually went so far as to make accusations about my husband being inappropriate with her on a particular day. She told her therapist, who contacted DSS, my kids were removed from the home. It all happened so fast that I was completely numb. DSS allowed my youngest daughter to come back home (weird if he was a “predator”) but my oldest refused. She was eventually placed in a residential facility and while she was gone, I spent that time looking for a place for us (me, her and her little sister) and I secretly bought a house behind my husband’s back! Yes, I’m a bitch for doing this, but I needed both my babies back under one roof. No, I did not touch any of our money. I didn’t touch savings and nothing I did impacted him financially in any way.

Now, we discussed me buying the house, after the fact, because I knew he would gaslight me and basically not “let” me. In the end, he understood my reasons. It was only supposed to be for 2 years roughly since she was almost 18. We discussed downsizing our house and I agreed as long as he replaced some money, he “borrowed” from our savings, and he agreed.

When we were house hunting, for some reason, I was only allowed to look at houses with him online. I wasn’t informed of when he went looking at houses because he would tell me he was just taking his daughters out to dinner or to get ice cream, when in reality, they were house hunting. He bought their silence at the time. I wasn’t included in the viewings or told about them and I wasn’t allowed to go to the closing. My feelings were hurt but I’m not one to express that after basically shutting him out when I bought my house just a year prior. Anyways, he started making excuses, after our house sold, about the money he was supposed to replace. He basically lied to me about what our house sold for, thinking I was too FUCKING STUPID to look it up, told me that they haven’t sent it yet, oh there’s a delay in the wire… blah blah blah… oh, by the way, I work in banking, so I instantly called him on his BS and flat out asked him if he had it sent to a secret bank account, in which he said yes.

When I say that I saw blind rage, I kid you not, I was livid! In the span of 5 secs in my head, I asked so many questions and the one I asked out loud, he wouldn’t answer, “how long have you had this secret account?” I told him since he wants to hide money from me, I was filing for a divorce and I will be suing for half the proceeds from the sale of our house plus the money he stole from our savings…. yes, he stole our savings but that’s a story for another time. I walked away and haven’t looked back. I filed for a divorce 2 weeks later… I found out not too long after, from his daughter, that he and his realtor were having an affair. She asked me to never tell him where I got the info, and I’ve never confronted him about it.

That was in January 2025. He is driving me fucking insane and I have no one to really tell. He sends me gifts constantly. Texts me constantly, emails… you name it. He is even spending time at my parents’ house, but he doesn’t know I cut them off (my life is pretty messed up right now), so he’s barking up the wrong tree there. I have no desire to reconcile or continue on in that toxic marriage, and I will cont with the divorce.

I know I’ve missed a lot of details so please ask and I will try to clarify anything. I know I’m an asshole for buying a house first without telling him, I’ve admitted to that, we discussed it and moved on. We were actively in each other’s lives and still very much intimate. Still married, just went to our separate homes at night, except on the weekends. Sorry, this may be poorly written, but I have a really hard time writing down thoughts in order.

I guess I’m looking for guidance? advice? a friend? I don’t even know anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read.

EDIT to clear up some stuff. My kids were taken while they did their investigation. Her accusations came 3 days after accusing her boyfriend of raping her, a week after accusing a classmate of inappropriately touching her, a month after getting caught sending nudes and having the law involved. This behavior goes back years as its unfortunately, part of her disorder.

Comments

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    Backup of the post’s body: ** Trigger Warning, mentions of self-harm (SH) and suicidal ideations (SI)**

    I will not give exact ages but there is a 14 year age gap with my husband being older. We have been married for 11 years, together 12. For some relevant backstory, my oldest child has BPD (Borderline) and started disliking my husband when she was around 10. She started really acting out in HS with SH and SI. She eventually went so far as to make accusations about my husband being inappropriate with her on a particular day. She told her therapist, who contacted DSS, my kids were removed from the home. It all happened so fast that I was completely numb. DSS allowed my youngest daughter to come back home (weird if he was a “predator”) but my oldest refused. She was eventually placed in a residential facility and while she was gone, I spent that time looking for a place for us (me, her and her little sister) and I secretly bought a house behind my husband’s back! Yes, I’m a bitch for doing this, but I needed both my babies back under one roof. No, I did not touch any of our money. I didn’t touch savings and nothing I did impacted him financially in any way.

    Now, we discussed me buying the house, after the fact, because I knew he would gaslight me and basically not “let” me. In the end, he understood my reasons. It was only supposed to be for 2 years roughly since she was almost 18. We discussed downsizing our house and I agreed as long as he replaced some money, he “borrowed” from our savings, and he agreed.

    When we were house hunting, for some reason, I was only allowed to look at houses with him online. I wasn’t informed of when he went looking at houses because he would tell me he was just taking his daughters out to dinner or to get ice cream, when in reality, they were house hunting. He bought their silence at the time. I wasn’t included in the viewings or told about them and I wasn’t allowed to go to the closing. My feelings were hurt but I’m not one to express that after basically shutting him out when I bought my house just a year prior. Anyways, he started making excuses, after our house sold, about the money he was supposed to replace. He basically lied to me about what our house sold for, thinking I was too FUCKING STUPID to look it up, told me that they haven’t sent it yet, oh there’s a delay in the wire… blah blah blah… oh, by the way, I work in banking, so I instantly called him on his BS and flat out asked him if he had it sent to a secret bank account, in which he said yes.

    When I say that I saw blind rage, I kid you not, I was livid! In the span of 5 secs in my head, I asked so many questions and the one I asked out loud, he wouldn’t answer, “how long have you had this secret account?” I told him since he wants to hide money from me, I was filing for a divorce and I will be suing for half the proceeds from the sale of our house plus the money he stole from our savings…. yes, he stole our savings but that’s a story for another time. I walked away and haven’t looked back. I filed for a divorce 2 weeks later… I found out not too long after, from his daughter, that he and his realtor were having an affair. She asked me to never tell him where I got the info, and I’ve never confronted him about it.

    That was in January 2025. He is driving me fucking insane and I have no one to really tell. He sends me gifts constantly. Texts me constantly, emails… you name it. He is even spending time at my parents’ house, but he doesn’t know I cut them off (my life is pretty messed up right now), so he’s barking up the wrong tree there. I have no desire to reconcile or continue on in that toxic marriage, and I will cont with the divorce.

    I know I’ve missed a lot of details so please ask and I will try to clarify anything. I know I’m an asshole for buying a house first without telling him, I’ve admitted to that, we discussed it and moved on. We were actively in each other’s lives and still very much intimate. Still married, just went to our separate homes at night, except on the weekends. Sorry, this may be poorly written, but I have a really hard time writing down thoughts in order.

    I guess I’m looking for guidance? advice? a friend? I don’t even know anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

  3. carmackie Avatar

    It sounds like you’ll need to get help from a forensic financial investigator. I’m hoping you already know someone from your professional background. Your divorce attorney will be very interested in recovering lost money for you, especially if it was used to fund affairs.

    I’m so sorry your soon to be ex husband is cheating trash. You deserve better in this life. I’m glad you feel strong enough to leave!

  4. WirelessThingy Avatar

    Perhaps you should consider believing your daughter?

  5. SnooDrawings5617 Avatar

    the fact that your more upset about this than your husband being a pedophile is crazy.

  6. CoryW1961 Avatar

    Wouldn’t the house you bought without him be half his now too? It doesn’t matter who bought it. Or, even whose name it is in. In many states it’s “one to buy two to sell.”

    You can report his realtor as well. There’s an association of realtors in every state as realtors/brokers are licensed in each state. That’s unethical especially if still married and if she hid money from you.

  7. Katmoish Avatar

    I’m VERY confused about what is going on in this story

  8. saintursuala Avatar

    Lady you were TA for not leaving him when your kids were taken away following SA.

  9. Forsaken-Heron4921 Avatar

    Wait your daughter was molested by your husband and you stayed with him?

  10. No_Confidence5235 Avatar

    I should think that your daughter’s accusations against him would be the deal breaker, not the infidelity and the theft.

  11. No_Limit_2589 Avatar

    Erm you stayed in a marriage after your husband came out as a pedophile. The fact that she has BPD, too. You think that’s just a coincidence?

  12. LibraryMouse4321 Avatar

    You can hire a private investigator who will uncover the details you learned from your daughter/stepdaughter, so she won’t be involved and you can use the info safely.

  13. seamstresshag Avatar

    So the house that the children were removed from was his before marriage? If you were both on deed/ mortgage then the check would come in both of your names. No mortgage brokerage or bank would sneak him a check without you knowing about it. If it was his before marriage, then it’s his alone & you’re not really entitled to any proceeds from the sale. He can make you a “gift”, but he would have to pay taxes on the “gift”.

  14. AliceInReverse Avatar

    You need a barracuda of a family law attorney and a forensic accountant. I’m sorry this happened

  15. Ok-Egret Avatar

    Interesting that OP goes out of her way to obfuscate what their age gap is…and then the husband gets accused of child abuse 🧐

  16. Responsible-Army2533 Avatar

    My question is, was the house jointly owned…he can’t sell a house that is owned by both of you. Hire a Private Investigator to help you find the money.

  17. rocketmn69_ Avatar

    Tell him that he only contacts you through your lawyer. Get some kind of no contact order on him

  18. Cheekylilcxnt Avatar

    It’s very strange that your daughter has a mental illness that’s often linked to trauma, was removed from the home for said trauma, move your youngest back into the home, and now you are worried if he’s sleeping with the realtor???? Parents like you don’t deserve kids.

  19. MoonManPrime Avatar

    Okay, uh, INFO: how old are your children? He has children too? Do you have children together or no?

    How the post is written left me confused and I’m not sure what to offer.

    Also, I read your edit, but I’d really like you to reflect about why you don’t believe your daughter. You know her, I don’t, but if these are all false accusations, you need to sit down and have a conversation together. And be seriously receptive. Prompt, but don’t prod. Ask. Listen. I’m worried about her.

  20. No-Tip7398 Avatar

    Wait are both daughters yours and his? Or are they his from a previous relationship? Or are they yours only?

    This is written so poorly that I have no idea what is going on

  21. sunnyjc005 Avatar

    If your husband has been hurting your daughter, you are just as bad as him for not getting away from him and helping her. I understand that you tried to buy a house, but this story also makes no sense.

  22. HauteForTeacher13 Avatar

    Maybe it’s just me, but l honestly don’t care who bought what with whose money and who slept with whom and who still acts married and whatever. All of you need to grow up. The only people who are possibly acting like adults in this situation are the children! They are the ones l am truly concerned about! These poor kids are getting dragged into adult business and forced to play referee and confidont for their adulterous parents while their mentally ill sister is having a psychotic break! As someone who has worked with children with BPD they need consistency and you are giving them anything but. I hope you find her the appropriate treatment and the other children counseling as they will no doubt need it. As for you and your ex (?) You two need to get your priorities straight and grow up, those kids need you. You’ve put them through enough!

  23. ph0fly Avatar