I’m still struggling to process through my feelings about what happened, so here I am just sharing and venting.
Last weekend, we went out to a bar on a double date with one of my husband’s coworker’s and her husband. They’re a really nice couple and have actually helped us with a few small house renovation projects. I was looking forward to just hanging out with them and buying them some drinks since they’ve been so kind and helpful.
After about an hour, things were going well and we were all having fun. We were in the middle of beers and a card game when Jeff (that’s what I’ll call the coworker’s husband) said, “I’m feeling kind of hungry. Maybe we could all get something to eat after this?” And the coworker (let’s call her Sally), added a comment that was phrased kind of strange. She was excited and said to me, “Yeah! Do you guys like food? Do you like to eat?”
I though it was a funny way of asking, so I played into the joke and said, “Oh god no! Who likes to eat food? Can you imagine?” She cracked up. There was some more joking about that. Then Jeff looked at my husband and asked, “What do you think? Does your wife like to eat?”
Now, I know Jeff’s comment can be perceived as not the greatest, but in the context, I understood he was playing into the joke about Sally asking a weird question and my sarcasm about, who doesn’t like to eat food?
At this point, my husband could’ve responded in so many different ways. He could’ve said, “Well, we love to try new places, so let’s go somewhere to eat.” Or, “I know I do!” Just anything else.
But what he did: He gave a face and a side glance at my body and said, “Well…”
It was the “Well” that says “Have you seen her?” “Clearly, you can tell by her weight that she LOVES to eat.”
I am overweight and have really struggled with it.
As soon as he said that, everyone at the table understood what he meant. He gasped like he was shocked he suggested it. His coworker gasped and said his name like, “How could you say that?” But everyone was laughing as I was telling him, “Wow. That’s so awful.”
Sally tried to help him out by saying, “No, we totally set him up for that. It’s our fault.”
My husband was still laughing in embarrassment and saying, “Oh my god, I didn’t mean to say that. No, I didn’t mean that.”
My husband is the kind of person that loves making others laugh and he clearly wasn’t thinking that “joke” through. I was trying to hide how much it hurt me for the sake of company, but I was so humiliated. I finally excused myself to the bathroom and I could hear them all talking about it as I walked away from the table. Sally was saying, “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have…”
I went to the bathroom to cry because I never expected my husband to make a “joke” like that and comment on my weight so publicly. Or to even make me the butt of a joke. Especially since he knows I’m sensitive about my weight and don’t feel that pretty because of it. I know sometimes couples/people can tease each other, but I don’t think it’s ever okay to tease someone about a topic they’re sensitive about. You just don’t do that – the point is to tease and poke, not stab someone where it hurts or where they have an open wound.
I did my best to fake smile and get through the rest of the evening. I don’t blame Sally or Jeff because it was 100% what my husband chose to say. Once we were alone, he apologized and said he knows how much he fucked up. I just didn’t want to talk then because I was so hurt, so we went home and he gave me space.
He’s been apologizing since and slept on the couch a few nights. He bought me flowers and gave me a card that says I’m his Queen and he doesn’t have any bad thoughts about me and can’t live without me (I don’t agree with him not having any bad thoughts about me because clearly he does). He hasn’t tried to excuse his actions, which I appreciate, just listen to my feelings and say he understands and he’s just so sorry. Since he hasn’t tried to argue against anything, it’s clear he knows how deeply he fucked up and he’s scared this is the end of our relationship.
I’m just still so hurt and mortified and humiliated and don’t really feel comfortable eating around him.
Comments
What cuts deepest isn’t just what he said. It’s that you chose him.
You built trust, laughter, silence, a shared bed – and he traded all that for one cheap laugh in a room full of strangers. That’s not just a joke. That’s a wound. And now you’re the one bleeding, quietly, while everyone else wipes their hands clean. I don’t know your face, but I know that pain. I’ve worn it.
And I’m telling you now: it’s okay to feel humiliated.
It’s okay to feel angry. But please don’t forget, that you’re not the punchline.
You’re the proof that even broken things can
feel too much,
love too hard,
and still walk out whole.
[deleted]
You overthink everything that happened.
I can totally imagine him just playing into it when he looked and said “Well”.
You didn’t roll with out. Nobody on the table thought of it as more than a joke.
Only you.
You need to work on your confidence.
Your husband does everything to build you up but you still think he has a problem with it.
He doesn’t. Not every man wants some unreal Insta Model.
I am overweight too and I know it and if my husband joked like that I’d roll with it, because I know he loves every inch of me.
At least he isn’t making excuses. Are you trying to actively lose weight?
I’d like to have asked him why he didn’t think in the moment. Did he truly just want to make them laugh? Could he not think of anything else? Maybe he should’ve weighed his words more carefully and love bombing you is not it.
In my opinion, I’d sit with him tell him why it hurt you and tell him what else he could’ve said in the moment. Maybe he needs help with critical thinking on the spot without putting other people as the punchline. Have fun with it, roleplay other scenarios. Maybe make more jokes. And tell him his actions moving forward in similar situations matter more than saying how much you’re his queen.
OP, you’re well within your rights to feel humiliated, and frankly, I wouldn’t want to be around that coworker ever again. I will never understand how a woman could tear down or make fun of another woman to get the attention or approval of the men around them. She set that up, and your husband fell for it like an idiot. He seems to be truly remorseful, and that’s a great start. I would recommend therapy, both individual for you and as a couple.
What your husband did was beyond shitty, but it appears he has genuine remorse over it. At a bare minimum, he needs to express that remorse in front of the couple, and apologize to you also in front of them.
Ok so your husband shoved his foot in his mouth but Sally seems like a bitch. Who “sets that up”? Why is that funny?
Your husband fucked up, he knows it, you’re allowed to be hurt but he is apologizing etc. trying to reassure you.
You now have to decide if you can forgive him and start working towards building trust again. You’re allowed to be hurt absolutely but what are the next steps here. What do you need from him to move forward. What are you looking for? Is this a deal breaker for you? These are the questions you gotta figure out. Personally I think a therapist, individually and maybe together would help.
I get you’re upset, but that honestly seems like a foot in mouth mistake that 95% of guys could easily make.
Give him a pass please, he seems to be trying to recover.
This story is so sad and I think you made a ton of good points. Especially the one about poking fun not meaning stabbing someone in an open wound — I’ll be keeping that in my back pocket. I would be crying in the bathroom too.
I don’t want to invalidate anything you’re feeling or saying here because I think your feelings all make sense but one thing I want to push back on a bit is your assertion that your husband is in fact thinking bad things about you, in spite of what he says. You see your weight as a “bad’ thing, but does he? He should have known better than to say anything assuming he knows how YOU feel, and he’s an insensitive bafoon for that, but, it may be true that he really doesn’t have “bad” thoughts about you.
What’s your desired outcome from this?
I’m not going to make excuses for him, because what he did was clearly crossing the line. But I will say that its POSSIBLE that he just got caught up in the “comedic moment” and saw the opportunity for a joke and said it before thinking about it. Especially if you guys had a few drinks already. In other words he may have been thinking strictly about the comedy of it and not the personal side of what he was saying and didn’t actually mean anything by it. Like it may not have been true feelings coming out, as I assume you think it was. Meaning that it’s still entirely possible that he didn’t intend to hurt you, does find you attractive and loves you, and is truly sorry for what he said. It doesn’t make it ok, I’m not saying that. But I’m saying it might have just been a rude joke and not a true reflection of how he feels.
What exactly do you want from him? What will it take to make this better?
Because if this is a deal breaker for you, that’s on you.
The friends started the ball rolling. You played along. Husband caught it, and shanked it sideways back at you. He didn’t try to hurt you. In fact your weight was so far from the front of his mind that he didn’t see a problem in the moment with his remark.
You’re the only one who’s got a problem with all this. You’re overweight. It’s a fact. Whether you can change it or not, like it or not, it’s a fact. And there will be times when that problem sneaks up and bites you.
Learn to deal with it. Because if something as innocent as this can have you this upset, you have bigger problems than your weight.
First of all.. I am sorry someone was so rude to you. There are no excuses.
Secondly, if you struggle with your weight you can force yourself to do the things you need to do. Sometimes you need a therapist to help get your mindset to do things(because there are things like depression and other things that may make someone not want to leave their bed). Maybe a doctor too if it’s a hormonal issue.
You can change your life and your weight if you want to. I lost literally over 100 pounds a few years ago. I didn’t think I looked bad at all, my weight was distributed “curvy” other than my face and arms you probably would think I was an average but bigger weight. It wasn’t until the doctor laid out the risks in black and white and told me how many calories a day plus exercise to lose and I lost 100 pounds. It is possible. It was easy for me I just didn’t have any “reason” to do it. I also have something that many day you can’t lose weight with but under a drs supervision I did.
If you don’t wanna lose weight, disregard this. The word “ struggled” stuck out to me like a sore thumb and I wanted to empower you to change it you want.. but I don’t wanna be pushy.
Either way, for someone to bring your weight up like that is not ok. He thought it was funny(not an excuse just a context) and underneath it hurt.
Your husband really hurt you, but he took full responsibility, apologized sincerely, and is doing his best to comfort and show how much he truly cares about you, and it shows he values you and the relationship.
But it also sounds like you’re struggling with how you see yourself.
If you’re not loving or accepting your own body, it can be really hard to receive love from others even when it’s genuine.
This isn’t something to beat yourself up over, but it is something worth working on.
You deserve to feel confident and whole in yourself.
Seeking therapy or support could really help you explore these feelings and build a healthier relationship with yourself. Self-love is a journey, and you’re worth taking that path.
I’m someone who’s really harsh when judging men, but it seems he was just not thinking and made a dumb comment. Men are dumb like that.
I’m so sorry. But as bad as you feel, there’s hope that this can be fixed because your husband is upset that he hurt you. One thing we don’t often see on Reddit (or real life, if we’re being honest) is a husband hurting their partner and feeling/showing genuine remorse and wanting to fix it- especially regardless of the consequences of their screw up.
I wish I could offer advice, but instead I can only offer hope because he wants to do right by you and atone for his mistakes.
He saw low hanging fruit and took it. It wasn’t a smart move.
I really think a lot of introspection and self realization can help people come to terms with who they are. It can really help the sting off hurtful comments.
When you say you struggle with your weight what do you mean? Like are you actively trying to lose it and he’s denigrating your efforts and that’s what’s upsetting you? because that would be totally fuckin fair man I mean if your trying to lose the weight it’s not like it drops off within a week
Oh I’m so sorry. I have no words other than hugs!!!!
I blame Sally, then Jeff
She started it, she’s a bitch
Jeff continued from there, another bitch
Your husband didn’t cut that BS out immediately, he’s a super bitch since he is your husband whose supposed to be loyal to you. I’m glad that he apologized and seems remorseful instead of doubling down
I’m sorry this happened to you 😞
P.S Sally might want your husband
Yeah, what he said was awful and you have every reason to be upset…but it’s been days and he’s apologized and sounds like he has genuine remorse. The man already sounds like he’s walking on eggshells and thinks this is a relationship-ending event. No one is absolutely perfect 100% of the time and marriage is LONG—or at least supposed to be. I guarantee you that one day you will say something really stupid and upset him. How is your overall relationship? Do your happy memories and overall satisfaction outweigh all the negatives? You really have a conversation with him.
Naw he knew that would hurt you. I would be questioning why he felt he could say that infront of his coworker so easily, makes me think they have discussed this before.
I have a different viewpoint, as a fat person myself.
Maybe he honestly didn’t mean it as an insult? Is it possible that he truly loves and accepts all of you, exactly how you are?
I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, I know. But I truly believe being fat is not a negative trait. It just IS a trait, like being short or tall or a blonde or a brunette or having freckles or any number of other things. Different people may find things attractive or unattractive, but physical traits are not automatically good or bad.
I like to think that even if you have a negative view of your weight, your husband does not. And, in fact, I believe that the initial laughter was from awkwardness and being uncomfortable, and that he is sincere in his apology and calling you his queen and saying he can’t live without you.
You know him better than any of us, so it’s really up to what your intuition is telling you.
He absolutely should have been more thoughtful and considerate about a sensitive subject to you. He also apologized.
And, as a note, I’ve heard lots of people who love eating talk about it as an activity, like your co-worker did. So I think she probably brought it up because SHE likes to eat and was excited about getting someone new to try different foods with. Just a thought!
Best of luck! Please keep us updated!
To be fair, “Hey, does your wife like to eat?” is a weird fucking question to start with. I hate pointless banter, and this is even worse than “How about this weather?”
Sometimes when someone puts you on the spot with something weird and expects you to respond with equal weirdness right in that second, you just open your mouth and practically anything might fly out, or worse, nothing at all, then you just stare at the person like they’ve been speaking a foreign language. Do you think your husband WANTED to hurt you? Do you think your husband IS attracted to your body? Does he generally try to uplift you and make you feel beautiful? I’d worry about the answers to those questions more than an awkward dinner joke comment.
WTF is wrong with all these people? Fuckin weirdos. Sorry, OP. Some people try to make lame jokes because they have no personality.
Am I the only one who thinks Sally and Jeff are also the assholes here? Sally’s comment was awkward, but Jeff threw it to your husband to insult you. Your husband is dead wrong for going along with it, but those two clearly knew where the joke was headed.
I’d say communicate your hurt, frustration, and expectations to your husband. You can probably move on from this as long as he doesn’t make the same mistake again. As for the other two, I’d take a break from hanging out with them indefinitely.
I’m sorry, OP. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.
Without invalidating your feelings, it looks like you are reading too much into it.
As you say, your husband likes making other laugh and sometimes when you are the clown you make bad decisions and jokes go wrong.
It looks like he’s really remorseful and trying to mend things. Did you let him know (not fighting, but a good chat) about how yo really feel inside about your struggle with weight? Asking because sometimes people don’t know exactly how others feel, and tend to assume they know.
Either he meant it.
Or he didn’t but has zero regards for your feelings.
Or he isn’t aware of your struggles.
All possibilities are very bad.
You know what you are gonna do? Lose the weight and get a fit body. And you leave.
What does he look like to be talking about someone else. How about you show us a pic and we can comment on him. We can jokey joke too. Gaining and loosing weight is hard. I’m 200lbs I have jugs too. I am a curvy girl. I don’t know what you look like but you must tell yourself you are beautiful.
If your comfortable and want to make a change:
No pressure it took time for me:
First get a complete check up from your doctor to make sure you don’t have underline issues bc that can be a reason. I have a messed up period. Then go from there. Walking with a weight vest will shred the weight. Kettle bells are also a full body work out and it’s 15 min a day( YouTube or Pinterest).
Your husband tho tell him the next time he makes a snide remark about your weight you will tell the table that his penis is not long enough to hit your cervix. I don’t care if it’s a lie or the truth. The embarrassment will eat him up.
Feel better sweetie. Us sturdy girls have to stick together. My aunt told me I was sturdy on Thanksgiving 😭 and took a full 360 pic of me. I had to learn luv myself ❤️ and we all can’t be slim.
Babe. I feeeeel you. It seems like it was this “perfect storm” that spiraled out of control. He seems like he loves you and chooses you. But I understand the hurt. I’m sorry that happened.