My, F28, husband, M28, has been addicted to drugs for 2 or so years. Last year I noticed he would constantly be angry over the smallest things or be super annoyed with our toddler. He opened up to me about his addiction and told me he had done coke a few times to get through the stress of his job. He said it was only a handful of times and promised he wasn’t doing it anymore. I believed him and let it go. As time went on he began to act very erratic. He was constantly angry, arguing over everything, and struggling with parenting our kids. One day it came out that he was still doing drugs but he refused to believe he was the problem and flipped it all onto me. One night he blew up so bad that I feared for the safety of my children and I. So I decided to go stay with my mom. While separated he became worse. He took my car and sold it ( it was in his name cause I was a SAHM) the house was foreclosed on and I was receiving text and calls everyday with him calling me all kinds of names and demanding I give him the kids. I got full custody of the kids through court.
Six months pass by and I notice a major difference. He began talking to his sponsor everyday, going to meetings, working the steps, and he was super apologetic and took full accountability for all his wrongs. Plus before the addiction he was an AMAZING husband and father. So we decided to work on things and move back in together around 8 months ago. Things were going great until last night.
Although things were going great I’ve still struggled with trust issues through this whole ordeal. I went through his phone last night and discovered that he was reaching out to old friends asking for adderall and coke or meth. I woke him from his sleep and asked if he was sober. He admitted to leaving work one day to meet with an old friend and they did heroin together in the car. He claimed it was just once and all the guys he texted asking for things all fell through and he didn’t receive anything from them. I don’t believe him on that.
I told him he would have to go back to being consistent with meetings, talking with his sponsor and have to take random drug tests at home until I feel comfortable in order for this to work. But after thinking and reflecting on things, what kind of marriage is that? Watching your husband pee in a cup every few days to make sure he’s clean. I did not imagine my life would be this way at all. Part of me is ready to throw in the towel and be done with all of this while part of me would feel guilty. I would feel guilty because I know he is a good man and addiction is a mental illness and we have 2 toddlers that he loves. I guess I am just looking for any kind of insight on what to do in a situation like this. When I talk to his mother about this she is mortified about her son’s actions but also says she thinks I shouldn’t leave, that our marriage is worth going through all this trauma. While of course my mom ( who doesn’t know about the more recent slip up) tells me I should leave him and move on with my life. When is enough enough? Am I being too easy on him/ enabling him by staying??
TL;DR: My husband has got caught twice doing drugs. What should I do?
Comments
You should leave. This isn’t the life your children deserve, nor you.
He’s an addict. Protect your children.
After all he lost due to his drug use he is still using. That to me says he is not gonna quit and will continue to use. I’d leave and not waste your time.
Your first priority should be to yourself and your child. Yes, you are enabling him by staying. Protect your kid.
I think you probably don’t know about half of what he’s been up to, this is just what he’s admitted to when you caught him. All you do by staying is enabling him and draining the life out of yourself and he is not safe to be alone with your kids in this state.
Leave and let him get his shit together without you imo.
You don’t have to leave him for good. You should ask him to leave until he can get it together. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He needs to see that there are real consequences to his actions.
he is an addict. It is his job to seek recovery. It is your job to create a safe haven for your toddlers. The two don’t mix. And of course his mom wants you two together. Her vision, however, is clouded. Get yourself into counseling. Go to Alanon.
His addictions btw, mean he has already placed his efforts on substances, not the substance of a relationship, family or frankly a life.
Until he seeks active recovery and can demonstrate significant stability, he is not to be trusted, because his addiction talks louder in his brain than common sense. I have been in your exact shoes. It didn’t work for us to stay together, because it endangered my children and my home. He eventually died of his addictions after many years. I kept the world as steady and as stable as I could for my children, SOLO. It broke my heart. But my children were children and needed safety, He was a man who could make his own choices. Also drugs will drain your financial future very fast, please protect yourself. And honestly? Get out. There is better life ahead.
You don’t have to stay with him just because he’s working to do better.
This relationship has been irrevocably damaged by his actions and you deserve a safe, stable life where you don’t have to worry about what your partner is doing, and whether he will come home safe today.
Leave.
If he had come to you for help before or right after using again, then maybe there would be a case for staying and helping him. He didnt, he lied more and waited for you to catch him. You would end up having to be his prison guard in this relationship, which is not good for you or the kids. You tried your best. Try not to feel guilty for the decisions he made.
You need to take your children and leave permanently. Also, disconnect yourself from him in every way financially possible for you to do, because when pressed for cash he will likely open credit cards in your name and run them up to their limit.
Your husband is untrustworthy as a person, a husband, and a parent right now. It will take him years to unravel this situation and be able to understand how he got to this point, even if he starts working on it full time ASAP. Please don’t put your kids through that.
Please stop giving him ‘chances’…. You are endangering your children AND yourself.
You quite literally are putting your children IN DANGER.
Either HE goes, or you and the children go.
You decide which one.
No excuses. No more chances. You are indeed enabling him by staying.
Please be a good parent. Right now you are falling short. Enough is enough.
Divorce. Raise your standards; protect your children.
I agree with the leaving. Seek al-anon for community. It may or may not click for you but it’s worth a try. Read up on co-dependency and give yourself some grace.
You can’t stay with him. He will just drag you down too. As a child who grew up in that kind of environment, please leave! Go anywhere else! It’s taken a lot of time for me to even be able to talk about that, please spare your children those memories. Please 🙏
Your husband has to go through this alone. You will only be a hindrance. He needs to lose it all to figure out what he wants.
Leave. Heroin? Fucking heroin. Leave.
Here’s a realistic way to think about this:
If losing his wife and kids and house and car to addiction wasn’t rock bottom enough for him to straighten out, how bad of a rock bottom will he drag you down to?
You need to get as much proof as you can that he’s still actively using so you can keep your kids. Bro shouldn’t have kids for longer than a few hours.