For context, I (35 yo f) and my husband (34 yo m) have been together for 14 years total (married 10). Within the past 2 years I have found myself sexually and one of those things has been self pleasuring. I am the type of person that does not like to be watched or heard during those times, solely because I feel like it is a private time for myself. The other week I wanted to have some fun by myself since I was on my period and my husband would not leave the room to do so (we have two kids and a roommate) so going somewhere else in the house is near impossible unless it is our room. I asked him if he would leave for a bit so I could take care of myself and he blatantly told me “no”. I asked why and he said “why can’t you just do it while I am beside you and I can also take care of myself.” I looked at him and told him that I was uncomfortable with that because I feel like that is my own personal private time.
He then kept coming up with different solutions, such as: him staying outside the door to listen or going into the bathroom to listen so I couldn’t see him. This is also still not something I was comfortable with since I am not an exhibitionist. I do not like feeling as if I am being watched during my own private time with myself nor do I like knowing I am being heard because it feels like I have someone creeping on me. To clarify, I am alright with being seen and heard if he is the one physically doing it to me, otherwise I would prefer to have the time and space to myself. I told him all of this and he still kept getting upset that I would not just do it with him in the room. He finally started getting mad and frustrated at me because he “couldn’t understand where I am coming from”, and instead of him just saying “ok, that’s fine. You can have your point of view.” He just huffs and says “whatever, I don’t get it and I think you are incorrect.” Am I the asshole for having boundaries and expressing my discomfort?
Comments
> he “couldn’t understand where I am coming from”
Does he not jerk off alone? Would he always be down for you to just be staring at him while he did it? Is watching you some heretofore unrecognized fetish that you could instead fold into your couple focused sexy time?
NTA? You’re allowed to be uncomfortable. You stated that you have a boundary about this and all he did was try to skirt around it or bulldoze it altogether. That was decidedly not nice of him.
I have bathroom anxiety if someone is in the same room or within listening distance I get really anxious. And I had an abuser (in many ways) that one time would not leave the bathroom when I wanted to go and I ended up sobbing asking him to please leave.
So like not the same but still about private time and it not being respected.
NTA – he should never make you do something you’re uncomfortable with.
It was brain surgery; let your husband watch you.
NTA. Your husband is and AH and has no respect for you! He has no right to get upset and mad at you over this. This is a sign of a much larger issue in your marriage. Does he always treat you like this? Gas lighting you? You have a right to private time. You need to get in marriage counseling because if he can’t respect your feelings, you can’t have a healthy marriage
Him getting mad was rather dumb and I’m pretty sure he understood why.
But feel the need to ask? You all have much of a sex life there because it kinda sounds like he was trying to beg for crumbs then got annoyed he couldn’t even get that. Don’t have to answer this just thought I would throw it out there. (Because if that’s how he feels you got much bigger problems)
NTA- it’s nice to have some private alone time! For anybody. My BF knows when I do since I close the door and lock the door and turn a fan on so he doesn’t hear 😂
NTA here. The space is both of yours so this may be a consistent thing when brought up. I get exactly where you’re coming from but I’m not sure there’s a direct way to resolve this unless he understands.
He wants to watch (at least), and I get that, but that absolutely does not override your desire to do this by yourself, so absolutely NTA.
Maybe he wants to spice up things as a couple and you just shot him down with this is just for me and feels it is just rejection. Everything is awkward or uncomfortable when it is something new. Maybe do it by yourself and together
>He finally started getting mad and frustrated at me because he “couldn’t understand where I am coming from”
Yeah, he doesn’t have to understand it, he only has to respect it.
And him, being mad at you for his inability to understand and telling you that you are incorrect to feel uncomfortable is outrageous to me!
Is he always blaming you when he doesn’t understand something? Is it always someone else’s fault?
NTA
PS: His reaction means he doesn’t care for your comfort, as long as he gets his pleasure…
You’re both the asshole for seeking guidance from strangers IMO . Do whatever you want .
Sounds like he wants to get laid.
IMO No AH here. This isn’t black and white, it’s perfectly in-between. You’re allowed self-exploration and that should be respected. He has a right to ask for compromise or some work towards a more mutual experience, whether or not that ends up being what happens. It sounds like you’ve been working on your sexuality, that’s great, keep doing it! Part of that growth might be working towards mutual masturbation? Honestly, it’s time for a therapist because there will be difficult feelings that are best handled with a mediating presence.
Look, in the past I blamed my partner for a lot, which was all valid, but eventually I had to look at my actions too. Relationships are give and take. Your best option is to get curious about why he’s feeling what he’s feeling and he needs to get curious about your feelings too. I’m willing to bet that if you’re both honest about why this bothers you/bothers him you’ll find that there are genuinely important feelings at the core of it.
My guy loves being a part of my sacred private space lol. Sometimes it’s great and gah, that really gets him going. I had no idea (27 years married and I learned this literally a few months ago).
But sometimes I just need a minute to myself for myself lol Case in point, I jokingly asked him why he won’t pleasure himself in front of me lol. He says THAT’S different and we had a good laugh. And “…to completion?” “Absolutely not.” 😆
So you’re right that he’s being selfish. It’s up to you what sex you will be into and that’s not something you’re into. I mean, had he not been like that… you might’ve changed your mind in the future. But he soured the whole idea, seems like.
I’d also be cheeky and tell him to go first. 😆 if he’s anything like my guy, he’ll understand full well why. Or maybe he’d be into that. You’ll find out quickly lol
Honestly, not the AH but I find it weird that you wouldn’t wanna do it together and you’re so against your husband watching you but if that’s your choice so be it. I would feel alittle put off if my gf/wife didn’t want to watch or watch me tbh. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be about sex. And instead of using this as a way to get closer, it’s almost like you’re pushing him away or least maybe he feels that way.
Good luck
Ew. You don’t exist for his sexual pleasure. If you’re not into it, he needs to drop it. Gross of him. NTA no means no even if you’re married.
NTA. Boundaries is boundaries.
You got issues. I wouldn’t want to you as my wife. If my wife can’t enjoy me watching, participating, helping. I’m finding someone who does. GTFOOH
He’s trying to turn something you just want to do for yourself for your own pleasure into something you are performing for his pleasure. I’m sorry he can’t understand the difference.
It’s cheating. You have to understand this
Well that’s your right and all but I’d also be so incredibly bummed as your husband
I don’t know, I would be pretty annoyed if my wife asked me to leave the room so she could rub one out. I would never ask her to leave so I could jerk off, and I know she wouldn’t be happy with that either. I might be on the other side of the fence than everyone else here and think it’s kinda rude to ask somebody to relocate so you can pleasure yourself.
Also, if your husband has a higher sex drive than you and wishes you two were intimate more often, I could also see his feelings getting hurt by hearing you say that not only do you want to get off by yourself, but you also want him to leave the room.
While you have the right to your privacy, you are really missing out on an amazing opportunity to connect on a much deeper level with your husband. You have the opportunity to learn much more about each other, possibly through mutual self pleasuring, but you are throwing everything away because you don’t want to let your husband in. So while you are not the AH, you are irreplaceably damaging your relationship.
Marriage is a union of two becoming one, you should not need privacy from him. You are in a domestic partnership instead if you feel like his presence is an intrusion.
When your husband leaves or monkey branches I want you to think back to this. All you did was deny his affection and closeness. He just wanted to be with you in the moment. He was trying to find a reason to be with you and you basically told him to f off. Thats how I would take it. Could be wrong but you never mentioned why you two are not having spicey sleep. ME me me is all I got from that.
NAH but girl, why are you asking him to step out the room? Why not wait and do it at a time that he’s not home or nobody else is home? I can’t imagine being like “can you go away so I can play with myself.” if it’s that important to you, do it on your own time. I don’t think he’s the asshole either because he’s trying to spice things up with his wife.
NTA technically but, putting myself in his shoes, if my partner asked flat out to be left alone to masturbate but showed no interest in having sex I would definitely feel a little burned.
You’re not the asshole no.
Maybe though, try to include it in sex one day. Could be foreplay. He would appreciate it. I do understand being focused on the task at hand for your pleasure but being a man that enjoys watching her do things to herself as well, and also frankly getting tips on how to do it right just from watching, I know it can be a lot of fun to involve in your couples time. I’ve learned how she likes it from those sessions but also just enjoy the view at times.
NTA. You are allowed to do whatever you need to, during your alone time. Your partner needs (on his own) to figure out why he is so bothered by this, and why he can’t seem to give you your privacy. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that our partner owns our sexuality, he’s being a ding dong.
Why would u ask him that super shitty if it were a guy doing that you’d hate it
Yuck. What the hell.
To be clear, I said during my period. He does not deal with blood well.
I would love if these post didn’t include gender so people wouldn’t be so biased.
So many people here I’ve seen spout the very opposite of what they are saying here when the genders are reversed.
NTA for wanting to self pleasure without your significant other present. Self pleasure is completely normal of course and most people I have found want the privacy to do it on there own as they may have personal fantasies that they don’t want to share, unless it was a consensual act with your partner where you were both getting off together. Whether it be self pleasure or actual sex though, if you don’t give consent to your partner to participate, then they should respect that completely. Period.
With that said, I do find that with self pleasure, if you want privacy to do that, then it should be done on your own time like when people are sleeping, not home, you’re in bathroom/bedroom with the door shut and locked, or maybe their doing something else in a different part of the house. For example, how would you react if you’re husband didn’t want to have sex and just wanted self pleasure, but he tried to kick you out of the room that you both share so he can rub one out without you there? I want to reiterate that I think self pleasure is completely normal and very healthy thing to do. I guess my point that I’m trying to make is based on your story, it doesn’t really seem that it was private time as he was already in the bedroom that you both sure together.
Nta for feeling how you feel. However YTA for asking your partner to get out the room so you can masterbate. You should find time when he’s not already in the room to self pleasure. I love my alone time, but I actually do it when I’m alone I would never ask my husband to leave.
NTA but it’s weird as shit you aren’t comfortable with your husband to be there tbh
Maybe start with sending him a video of it??? I dunno, haha
NTA for wanting to go at it alone, but YTA totally for asking him to leave his own room.
Would you be mad if you wanted to have sex with your husband and he kicked you out of the room so he could masterbate alone? Would you respect his desire to do that regularly? Or would he be TAH in that scenario too
She doesn’t want him to distract her from who she is thinking about
NTA but based on your other comments of the issues with your sex life his reaction seems a lot more understandable, not correct, but it does add some context. This is a symptom of a bigger issue with your sex life it sounds like.
I think when you get married you should share sexual experiences as much as possible.
Ever think that not being included makes him feel insecure? It sounds like his making some effort to understand and maybe he’s afraid to tell you how it makes him feel.
Maybe neither of you are the AH.
Nta but he doesnt have to like it either and is definitely entitled to speak how he feels in regard to this , and you dont have to like that .
He is a twat. You need support, not an angry man.
That is one thing but I do feel you are a bit ashamed of masturbation.
So its important to have a supportive partner
Okay I may get downvoted to hell but 🤷🏻♀️.
First off, I don’t think either one of you is the asshole. You 100% have the right to do with your body whatever you want to (or don’t want to).
There are two things that stand out to me though — number one you said in one of your responses that “if you let him he would have sex every day”. My guess is that means he has a high libido but gets rejected somewhat regularly and isn’t fully sexually satisfied (hence the begging for crumbs). That in and of itself takes its toll, but to add insult to injury, you ask him to leave the room so you could take care of yourself while he is literally right there… that must have felt like a slap in the face. Was a bathroom not available? You couldn’t wait until he left the room naturally and then lock the door? I’d be pretty pissed if I was constantly getting rejected and then got told to leave the room so my partner could masturbate. That, too, is a rejection, and a worse one IMO since he wasn’t even initiating.
Again, masturbating is/can be a private act you only want to share with yourself to do what you please. There are certain fantasies we have, ways we want to touch ourselves, or just embarrassment at the thought of being watched. And I’m not saying his wants/needs usurp yours. I just think that maybe there is a time, place and way to say/do things and that wasn’t it 😬
Idk but this is kind of weird. Why don’t you want to include him at all? Also, super rude to ask him to leave the room. I’d be pissed if my boyfriend did that.
Who the hell jerks off and tells their spouse to leave lol. That’s so weird to me.
You are both TAH. I hate to say, your relationship is over if you two don’t shave intimacy. You have zero interest in him and he seems to be practically begging you for sexual attention.
I feel sorry for you both.
Nta. Not every sexual activity has to be a group activity and your spouse should respect you enough to want you to do that. The only exception i can see is if you arent having any sexual relationship with your husband and are only pleasuring yourself. But that is a different story.
Yeeeah YTA. Not for wanting to masturbate, but for asking your husband to leave so you could?? Can’t you fuckin WAIT until you’re alone? I cannot fathom ever ever asking my partner “hey leave our room so I can jerk off RIGHT NOW.” You are an adult, wait until it’s appropriate.
i’m sorry but imo it’s really fucking weird to tell your partner to get tf out so you can masturbate alone. that’s rude as hell. wait until you can be alone. YTA
If OP was a guy posting this about his wife not leaving and giving him privacy to rub one out, I’m pretty sure 99% here would say he was the AH…. this is no different.
NTA. Your hubby needs to learn that your pleasure isn’t actually about him and his pleasure – at least not when you want to have private time alone to yourself.
And I say this as someone who also has no problem masturabating in front of my husband – when it’s part of our joint/mutual “fun time.”
Thing is, sometimes, I just want to get myself off quickly, FOR myself, and it has nothing to do with anyone else, and I don’t want it to BECOME about anyone else, either.
Men really love to make everything about their gf or wife all about themselves. We can’t just have something to or for ourselves, even once, if they can’t also “get some.” It’s greedy and entitled and they need to grow the fuck up.
Fulfilling my needs doesn’t have to be about anyone else. Maybe I just want to enjoy myself, alone, without having to think about anyone else or what they do or don’t like or want; or not have to think about things like how I look from their perspective in the moment. Which WILL be on my mind if they are there and WILL become a distraction to my own pleasure.
Maybe I just want a quick orgasm to help releive a headache or my stress; maybe it’s not about anyone else; and maybe it doesn’t fucking have to be.
Funny thing about this type of situation is that MOST men have no problem with the idea of THEMSELVES just “ripping one off” real quick when they want to, without having to worry about their partner. They will even argue to the death that’s there’s nothing wrong with them doing that.
But if their wives want to do that for themselves? BIG problem. Why? Because now it’s suddenly not about them. They aren’t getting anything out of it, so they act like a child not getting to have a cookie when someone else got one. It’s ridiculous, juvenile, and pathetic.
Why does your husband think, feel, or believe that your personal pleasure is mutually exclusive to his own pleasure? Why must he get something out of you getting to pleasure yourself? If he can do it without you, why can’t you do it without him? And if the only reason he has is something along the lines of “because I’m a man!” You know he’s working some seriously flawed logic.
YTA, Just reverse genders and think about the responses you would receive. If a man kicked his wife out of the room so he could self pleasure most would be calling for divorce.
Simply wait till he is not around.
YTA. You told your husband to get lost so you could jork it. Thats kinda not cool. Any partner would feel a little hurt from that.
I feel this is strange this is your husband, you should be sharing all the intimacy with one another. You just called your husband a creep? Like he wants to be connected and involved shit at least hes voicing his wants and your just there like no its my time. Low key seems selfish. Idk