My husband has Tourette’s, and one of his tics is spitting, but the thing is, is that he spits EVERYWHERE. He says that whenever it happens he just immediately has to get it out of his mouth, and that he feels like he’s suffocating. The issue with this though is that he spits on the floors of grocery stores, all over clothes (including clean sets), all over bedsheets and blankets, he wipes his mouth with his hands and shirt and then just never washes it.
I’m trying my best to be supportive, but I’ve genuinely ran out of ideas, i’ve suggested that he carries a bottle around to spit into, but he just tells me that he doesn’t carry a water bottle with him or that he forgets it. I’ve suggested that he carries tissues, but he either forgets the tissues or just collects the tissues and never empties his pockets until it’s overfilling and the spit is still getting all over his clothes. I’ve suggested drinking more liquids so he’s less phlegm-y, but he doesn’t want to do that.
I tried talking to him about it today because I went to hug him and when I did, my hand landed in spit on his shirt to which I immediately pulled back because I wasn’t expecting it. He got angry and asked what was wrong, I told him and he just immediately shutdown on me, and ignored me for the rest of the drive home. When we had finally gotten home, I asked him what was wrong and he had told me “I’m tired of my entire family making me feel disgusting for something that I cannot control, I know its gross, but that doesn’t mean I can suddenly control it.” Which just made me feel like an asshole.
I want to be able to help but I just don’t know how anymore, every time I try to bring up a new suggestion he just brushes me off, forgets, or shuts down. I’m just tired of constantly placing my hand in spit, or trying to sleep and getting spit in my hair, but I don’t have anymore advice nor do I know how to approach this anymore without upsetting him or seeming like an asshole. I’d really appreciate any suggestions you could come up with.
Edit: Hey guys! Thank you all for the advice! I’m doing my best to get replies around but it is quite a bit. I’ve decided to take a break for a little bit, as i’m still stressed over the situation and decided to take a walk on the beach. I’ll probably pick up replies again later this afternoon.
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He might not be able to help doing it, but he absolutely can clean it up afterwards. He should carry a cloth or tissue in his pocket and clean whenever he spits, he has no excuse not to
What type of life is this? Make him do all the cleaning of his spits maybe he’ll understand you better
Its a bummer that he feels bad, but it IS gross. No one wants to touch spit. And he is making a million excuses to avoid any attempt at reducing the issue. What’s his excuse for not cleaning it up after???? Who leaves the spit on their shirt? The decision to leave his spit everywhere after is entirely within his control.
How does he work like this? It’s a biohazard.
Though he can’t prevent it from happening, he’s an adult and should want to compromise on something. It’s not disgusting to spit, it’s disgusting to not want to clean up after himself. Tell him to carry a rag around if it’s like that. I think a thermal water bottle would help him tons, it’s a matter of him doing it into the cup instead of the floor. He’s playing victim and getting defensive over something that COULD be controllable in the sense of he can redirect where he spits. Sit down with him again, tell him it isn’t a personal attack and that you would like him to listen without getting defensive because it’s not your intention to attack him but to help him and help your guys’ relationship. If he still doesn’t like it, then it’s for you to determine how ok you are with being around puddles of spit cause not me girl. He has an option to fix it, he’s choosing to get defensive.
With Tourettes, he can’t help it. He needs to keep a hanky or tissues on him at all times. I’d suggest getting him some overshirts with a front pocket, get a waterproof pocket protector and fold up some hankys in his pocket. He needs to try and instill a routine of pulling the hanky out and having it in his hand. Its going to be annoying for him but spit in a hanky is better than spit on everything. Hopefully he understands that.
Maybe he should carry a spit cup with him and a handkerchief this way he can work with his tick in a way that isn’t also disrespectful or disregarding towards others or the environment he’s in.
my dad always ever since I can remember, carried a cotton handkercheif in his back pocket
it came really handy when I got a nose bleed at my friends funeral.
Disposable tissues can be a difficult thing to make a routine out of but a reusable cloth is a lot easier to remember
I know Tourettes is uncontrollable, but he really does need help with controlling his anger.
That would be hard to deal with. However, it sounds like he is not trying to help himself. It sounds like he has already given up on himself. He needs treatment to help him with self help.
What does his medical care team say about this behavior?
Does he happen to be on the spectrum too? My dad doesn’t have Tourette’s but he’s on the spectrum. He is constantly making messes and not picking up after himself, will never shut a drawer or cabinet, his hands are always disgusting. However he runs an extremely successful company and makes a lot of money. My mom has had MANY conversations with him about cleaning up after himself. How he’s selfish and only thinks of himself etc. etc. Their therapist told my mom that he literally CANNOT help it. Like his brain can literally not clock that stuff. While maybe it may be as simple as carry a tissue or cup to you or me. It may be so much bigger and more difficult than you’d think in your husband’s brain.
Carry a water bottle to spit into
He may not be able to control it, but the thing is… he recognizes it’s gross so he knows he needs to do SOMETHING and instead he’s using the inability to control it as a crutch and being defensive while doing nothing to help the situation. He has options and tons of support, he just doesn’t want to make the effort. So unless you can make him want to do better (which you shouldn’t have to do), it’s not going to get better. I get that sometimes when you have a problem your brain makes you choose avoidance instead of addressing it, but this isn’t just gross it’s unsanitary and you’re willing to help him. He’s lucky you aren’t telling him to hit the road.
I’m not too sure as he doesn’t really involve me in his mental health care
He seems to be indicating that he won’t do anything about it, nor is willing to try to change / adapt / clean up. It’s up to you on how you want to proceed. “Do I want to live the rest of my life with someone who stays as they are today?” You can only encourage someone else to change and try to help them, but you can’t force them to. You can change yourself only. It’s been long enough to know who he is, it’s your decision if you stay or leave.
He feels self conscious about something he can’t control and that’s valid. Sometimes people are aware they’re gross and get embarrassed when others notice because they don’t like it either but it isn’t a simple fix at all.
However something he can work on and improve is cleaning after himself.
If he forgets, he needs to set timers or write it on his hand, he needs to be in the habit.
Because it isn’t your fault that it’s gross because it literally is gross and you never told him that he needed to stop something out of his own control.
You offered solutions.
And tbh these solutions aren’t bad or asking too much. And tbh if he gets offended after you tell him to clean, that also is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! You’re telling him “clean up” and he’s kind of using that excuse of feeling gross as to not want to clean. I would say “If you feel gross then you need to clean up and you won’t feel that way anymore. I can even help remind you because I think you’ll feel a lot better too.”
I feel bad for him but after so much, he needs to clean himself up. It is nasty.
And him redirecting his anger onto you all because he gets embarrassed that he’s wrong or gross isn’t healthy either.
This guy,,, and I can’t even find a girlfriend 😒 😑 🙄
Give him an ultimatum that he can control …cleaning up after he spits. If he does not clean up you will not sleep with him. He may comply.
He’s tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas
I would be so out of this relationship. It doesn’t sound as if he sees a problem, so nothing to correct. No one has to live like this.
Ya, this is divorcable and something I would never be able to deal with. Spitting is the ultimate disgust.
I’m assuming he’s being treated by a physician, yes? Is he taking the meds, and has he completed the cognitive behavioral therapy?
If none of this is happening, help him get treatment. If he refuses to see a physician, then he’s made a choice, and you are not it.
He can control always carrying tissues.