I feel lost. I am pregnant with my third and final child and this one is high risk. I have gestational hypertension and am on a weekly watch for preeclampsia. This has been a very stressful pregnancy and I know it’s taken a toll on my husband too. Recently though he has a habit of using my issues against me. If I mention doing something with my family like yesterday my grandma wanted me to help her set up a zoom call really fast, she lives 4 minutes away from me and it was no issue. I was having a lot of contractions and pains yesterday but 10 minutes total of my time was no issue. My husband threw a giant fit because I went over and kept trying to talk me out of it by yelling at me telling me I’m putting myself and my baby in danger. He didn’t have this same worry last Saturday though when he wanted me to go an hour and a half away from our home to his parents house to walk around a zoo. I was in more pain last Saturday and my blood pressure was through the roof Friday night into Saturday morning. I told him last Friday night that I might not be up to going so far away with my symptoms and I wanted to stay close to my hospital because my blood pressure was so high. He kept me up until 2am on the Friday yelling at me and fighting with me about how selfish I am and how I must hate his family. I begged him to just stop yelling and I agreed to go. I was miserable the entire time which he is still mad at me for almost a week later. I was so swollen and in extreme pain by the end of the day. He brought this up yesterday when I went to help my grandma and told me I shouldn’t see my family or help my family since I complained about seeing his. Saturday was the first time I’ve ever canceled plans with his family in our entire marriage. I love his family and prior to last Saturday we have gone up to see them once every single week. Today he is currently mad at me because I’m having a really bad blood pressure day, almost 150/95 which makes me feel really out of it. I still made him breakfast and lunch though but for lunch I was upset he didn’t come grab his own plate as taking multiple trips from the kitchen to the table was painful for me, he told me since I have no issue doing things for my family I should have no issue bringing him his plate since it’s just a plate. When I started to cry he told me I have no room to complain because I do everything for my family but nothing for him and his family. Me helping my grandma yesterday was the first time I saw my family since Easter and it was 10 minutes.. I just feel so lost. It’s like he’s using my high risk pregnancy against me when it’s convenient for him, but then my issues don’t matter when he needs or wants me to do something. I’ve tried having a conversation about it through the week when things were more calm but it’s like he’s just getting angrier every day. I know he’s stressed out and I am too but fighting all the time and having him lash out at me all the time is making things feel 10x worse.
He’s always had a really bad temper especially when he’s stressed and things don’t go his way. Lately is just so different though. I almost don’t feel like he will be a good support person when I’m in labor because when he’s mad he tells me he’s done advocating for me and I’m a big girl. Something just feels really off right now. It feels like he’s treating me this way on purpose or trying to control my time with my family. Thank you for anyone who read my rant I just feel like I’m going crazy.
Comments
You aren’t going crazy. It sounds like you are dealing with a self centered narcissist. I was married to someone very similar. Thankfully we never had kids. I didn’t want to in part because of how he treated me and how I feared he would treat our children. I finally divorced him and have never been happier but with three kids, I know it would be hard to end the marriage. Would he be open to counseling? As a couple and individually. If not, things aren’t going to change. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. 😞
Do the quiz on loveisrespect.com
I think you are gonna find out that your husband is abusive. Yelling at you should already be a sign this relationship is toxic. But on top of that he is controlling and does not care about your health. He uses it only when it suits him
Yeah all of this is crazy unacceptable. Don’t let him bully you. Ten minutes to help your grandmother at her house is not the same as walking around in the heat for over an hour at a damn zoo. I was pre-eclamptic with two of my pregnancies and my husband waited on me hand and foot and let me decide when I could or couldn’t handle something. Some days I could walk around the river, other days I couldn’t get out of bed. He never made me feel guilty or shameful either way. Especially if we had to cancel plans with family.
Him being stressed doesn’t excuse treating you like shit and making passive aggressive comments. You need to have a firm conversation about his treatment of you. Because let me reiterate: he’s treating you like shit. You don’t have to take it.
I’d even suggest counseling so you have a mediator and help if he starts trying to take anything out on you irrationally. And he needs help managing his temper. If he won’t listen or things don’t change, I’d pack up and stay with my family for the rest of the pregnancy and postpartum if that’s doable for you. Protect yourself and your kids.
This is abuse.
Hi, I’m pregnant too, and my pregnancy isn’t high risk the way yours is but I constantly feel on the brink of a meltdown. And that’s with a supportive, loving partner.
Your partner sounds god-awful in terms of the kind of support you are receiving (or lack thereof.) I would say that if you had a low risk pregnancy, but coupled with the fact that you have HBP and preeclampsia that is literally potentially fatal, his behavior is even more atrocious.
You deserve to be loved, held, respected, and cared for. Your physical and emotional needs come first, given that you are literally making a human being. And even if you weren’t pregnant, that doesn’t excuse this kind of behavior.
Hugs hugs hugs.
Hey Mama.
Is there anyone you feel comfortable with that can come stay with you? Sounds like you need back up and he needs someone to tell him to back off.
Sending all of the best wishes to you and baby. My last one was also super high risk, theres nothing worse as a mama than to have that fear. You don’t need his abuse on top of it.
This obviously isn’t something new. You mention his bad temper, yet you’ve had THREE children with him. I would start looking at alternatives for your children and you. Having a baby is stressful, having a newborn and two other children is really really stressful. I’d be prepared for his bad temper and plan your escape.
He is the source of your medical problems. He is abusing you. Keeping you awake until 2 am to yell at you, is abuse. Yelling at a pregnant woman, who already has high blood pressure, is only going to make the high blood pressure worse.
Women are more likely to be killed due to domestic violence during pregnancy. Please leave him and go somewhere safe.
Your husband is abusive.
He’s trying to make you lose this baby and he may end you in the process. He’s abusive and unreasonable. For your health and life, and the life of your child, get out, NOW. Go to your parents. Tell your doctors what has been going on.
Can you and the kids stay with your family for a little bit?
This is abuse. This man is trash. 100% divorce worthy. I hope he .
Is this kind of example you want to set for your kids? You need to leave as soon as you are able, girl, this guy’s a psycho. It kinda seems like he wants you to die….
You do not deserve this! You deserve love and kindness.
Honestly, he sounds very abusive and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. I suggest you leave to go stay with family that would be helpful to you right now. Your blood pressure is really high. When I was pregnant, I had gestational diabetes and hypertension and the doctor said to go to L&D if my blood pressure was 150/90 and above. Please take care of yourself and baby first. You deserve better than this.
Your husband is abusing you. Most cases of abuse start in pregnancy. He is trying to isolate you and his abuse is psychological. Your best bet is to leave now. Get help to do so. It will be harder to do when the new and 4th baby comes. If he won’t let you contact your family. Find a reason to see your health professional. Alone preferably. If your high risk you’ll have appointments scheduled. If he insists on coming with you, try to indicate (safely) to your health professional you need to speak to them alone. They will help you. You’ll find an opportunity. Most look for subtle indicators from expectant mums if something isn’t right and they take it from there to try and get you the help to leave with your kids. Safely.
This sounds bigger than your current pregnancy. This sounds like controlling behavior and mental/emotional abuse. Please read about this. Abuse doesn’t happen every day.
Unmedicated bipolar is a danger to everyone around them. He is going manic and you are his target. Get out while you can have him sectioned if possible.
During my third and final pregnancy, I developed gestational hypertension. Despite having every kind of support with a loving partner and an amazing mom, I still ended up developing preeclampsia in my fourth month. I was hospitalized for three months and had to deliver my son two months early. My blood pressure had gotten so dangerously high that both our lives were at risk. I was on the verge of a stroke, baby was in distress, and I was rushed for an emergency C-section. It had progressed to full eclampsia. My son spent a month in the NICU. My blood pressure has remained high since, even though I never had issues before.
I’m telling you this not just as a woman, but as a mother, a wife, and a nurse. You need to find a safe place for yourself and your babies. Abuse is never okay, but right now the stress it’s causing you could literally cost you your life. This is abuse, honey. Please take care of yourself. You deserve safety and peace.
I didn’t even read this. Why are you having children with this miserable excuse of a human being. Get your shit together and get out.
Bipolar people CANNOT go off their meds! He needs serious help and you need to not be in the crossfire. Stay with your mom for a while if you can. Tell her everything so you have some backup if you need. But he will escalate if he does not get help and you need to decide if that escalation is worth your or your children’s lives.
As someone whos deal with all your symptoms while pregnant he needs meds and therapy yesterday. You need to make sure you have family around. Have someone to talk to him and sit down because he rly is not ok.
You married a spoiled brat that can’t regulate his emotions when he can’t get his way. And you are just an NPC in his life. To make him happy. It’s not his job to take care of you or you cause any disruptions in his life and his immediate family. Your immediate family is not important.
And why in the world are you walking around a zoo when clearly you should be on bedrest.
Just say no, and if he has an issue tell him let’s call the OBGYN together on speaker phone. if she says it’s OK we will do it. If they say no we won’t.
Men like him hate being exposed so I bet he will back off quickly. If others are brought into the argument.
Why are you risking you and your baby’s life for someone who clearly does not love you, and realistically, doesn’t even like you as a person.
He’s manipulating the situation and playing the victim. Between that and the anger issues, this is not a healthy marriage, nor is it good for your health right now.
Any way that you can make arrangements to move in with one of your relatives until the baby is born? If you can, make arrangements without him knowing. It could get dangerous for you if he did.
You’re being abused. He’s even trying to isolate you from your family members
Genuinely asking, but is there any way you can consider an abortion and divorce? The situation seems terrible and with a high risk pregnancy, with so much abuse it’s even more risky. And divorce might get messy. But if you really want the baby, you need to get out of there ASAP and drop the weight and the stress. Women die in childbirth. This isn’t about the baby, or being the bigger person, or being kind or loving. It’s about your LIFE. And your baby’s if you keep it despite all odds. Sending support and make sure to consider options, okay?
You are in a high risk situation for your life, not just medical but for your own life.
He’s abusing you, women are most likely to be killed by their partner when you are pregnant or leaving.
You should be honest with your parents about how he is treating you and what he is doing and see if they can help you.
How on earth did you have 3 children with this man? Is this out of character?
This is the worst thing I’ve ever read, and I am also pregnant. I would send him this post and let everyone else knock some sense into him.
Let him be angry. He should be. He should be appalled by his behavior. It’s fucking disgusting. The likelihood of you being able to explain to him how unfair he’s being is 0%. Unfortunately you need men and women alike to drag him to hell and knock some sense into him.
Send him this. Let him be angry, then realize he’s really angry with himself, not you. Then hopefully he will change.
Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. His mental health is not an excuse for this behavior and it’s likely to get worse and not better.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Google DARVO you’re welcome.
Call his mom
Your husband is abusive. Protect yourself and your children.
Your husband is abusing you.
You need to go stay at someone else’s place and document everything.
Get a Lawyer, and make sure you’re prepared.
He’s unstable and cruel.
You CAN LITERALLY DIE from these things in this type of pregnancy!
Him making you go far from a hospital, walk around all day at a zoo and then yelling and stressing you out, all of it, just one of them even could cause you injury.
You need to rest, resting means calm and no exertion.
You need to tell your doctor and your family, your lawyer about how he is treating you.
This also so worrying for your other kids living with you seeing their father abuse their mother this way.
They will grow up so messed up from this all.
I am so sorry you’re having to live through all of this, please reach out for help to your family and friends
Girl if he’s off his meds and spiraling you really are not safe. He needs help STAT. I’d agree with a comment above telling you to get him sectioned. He’s abusing you while you’re in a high risk pregnancy. He needs help and so do you!!
I didn’t even read this whole thing. Jesus! Get out of there before you and your baby die.
Read – Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft – Free Books Mania
Call your family, you are not safe!
Pls listen to the other comments and get help this is a really dangerous situation
this sounds like abuse but im not sure how.
You said in a comment you need tough love, but I still apologize if this is harsh.
You don’t deserve to be treated this way, but neither do your children deserve to grow up around a man like that, they don’t deserve a home where they will walk on eggshells to not get screamed at. You are the adult, sort out your situation and get yourself and your kids into a better situation, the wounds created by growing up in an environment like that aren’t easy to heal and eventually your kids will question why their mother didn’t protect them. And yeah, the kids may still have to see him if you split but at least they’ll have a home with you where they feel safe, at least you’ll still be a safe adult to them because you did what you could to protect them.
I’ve spent years in AA and NA, years in rooms with people raised father just like your husband, constantly enraged or yelling, and a mother like you who simply yells back or ignores the behaviour without taking any action to save herself or her kids. People like to ignore that those types of environments cause trauma, but abuse doesn’t have to be physical, and being yelled at until you say you agree is abusive. Those rooms showed me what life would have been like if he’d been around my father when I was younger, and it would have been hell.
I was 16 the first time I met my father, my mom got back with him not long after and moved him in right away, I only had a few years in that environment and it’s caused wounds that have cost thousand in therapy. But for everything I’ve been through, you know who’s worse off? My mother, our relationship is better now but it’s taken a lot of work, and every time he comes up I can see just how much guilt she carries for not doing better at protecting me from him. No amount of therapy will ever stop me from asking why he was worth more to her than I was, why he needed to be coddled but I wasn’t worth protecting. She constantly questions how she thought she deserved to be treated the way he treated her, how she could possibly have thought she was worth so little that she didn’t leave him and instead accepted his behaviour.
No matter what you chose things will be hard, men like him don’t take separations well but what life do you want for you and your kids?
What relationship do you want with your kids later in life?
What relationship do you want with your family? Are you okay with someone trying to isolate you from them?
Are you okay with your kids being treated the way you have been? Especially if they have any health issues arise?
Would you want your sons to turn into men like him, or your daughters to marry a man like him?
Most important, why do you believe you deserve to be treated this way? What could you have done to think you deserve a partner who can’t even treat you like a human being?
Walking away from a man like that isn’t easy, but realizing that you and your kids deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and kindness is a good start.
My next-of-kin had dangerously high blood pressure in her 30s.
She was suddenly cured when her husband left her. She was heartbroken and devastated, but her health problems disappeared overnight.
I hope your health improves too.
It is unacceptable for him to go off of his medications knowing that he has a bipolar diagnosis. This needs to be a hard line in your marriage. He’s already damaging you psychologically and I’m sure it’s affecting your other children as well.
He’s isolating you from your family now too
I assume that it’s afternoon where you are. Can you drive over to his parents and have coffee with his mom and just tell her everything? Like right now.
He cannot be hiding this stuff from them.
OP, with his attitude, it sounds like he is actively trying to kill you, whether intentional or not.
You have a dangerously high blood pressure during a high risk pregnancy.
You should be stress free as much as possible.
But the person that is supposed to support you through it, is only making things sooooo much worse.
Can you stay with your family, for the remainder of your pregnancy?
This isn’t a safe environment for you, right now.
Make it a condition that he has to take his meds, and weekly therapy, if only as a couple, for you to come back. Inform his parents of what is going on, behind closed doors.
If you have a good relationship with them, even staying with them would be better than staying with him, alone.
Please update and let us know you are safe. We’re all worried about you. Wishing you the best of luck.
babe that’s abuse. he’s emotionally abusing you – if anything is going to risk your pregnancy, it’s him yelling at you and manipulating you. please stay safe, and maybe tell your family about what’s going on
hugs, his family is pressuring him to have you visit even while you shouldn’t and he makes it about him and them. You need to come first, he is going to escalate until after the baby is born because he doesn’t think you are high risk. Take your children and go to your parents till after the baby is born before you end up in the hospital because of him.
He doesn’t have a bad temper. Adults can manage their emotions. He doesn’t want to because he’s abusive.
You are right not to want him at the hospital. Alone would be better than with your abuser. I’d start letting the hospital and your OB know you don’t want him there and decide who you do want.
I’d find somewhere else for one of you to stay, you really don’t need this stress during a life-threatening pregnancy.
Honestly it needs to be studied, why some men turn on their partners when they fall pregnant
I couldn’t read even half of this. You need to either leave this abusive person or have a serious conversation and tell him you are not going to listen to any more of his crap. Seriously, this is not okay or normal at all. I would leave if he can’t act like a reasonable person.
I see where he is off his meds. Hospitalize him. If he has always been mentally abusive, leave. Your poor children should not grow up like this. It’s not fair to them.
Good luck with your pregnancy.
You are being abused.
He is a controlling ass and man child. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have gestational diabetes and on a lot of insulin and testing my sugars, I have ADHD and forget all the time and my husband is making sure I am on top of things.
He has never once weaponised anything and has cancelled plans with his family to let me rest.
You need to have a conversation with him and lay it out how he is making you feel. If you think you can’t have this conversation without him becoming abusive then write a letter but remember if you are unable to communicate you need to be thinking about whether this is a safe relationship to be in.
I am so sorry for you – good luck for the rest of your pregnancy OP.
Your first mistake was carrying on and having children with a man who cannot or will not control his temper. He is abusive. Keeping you up at all hours to yell at you and made you walk more than you were comfortable to do so. THATS ABUSE.
Therapy. And show him this post.
I have just re-read this! I’m not sure you’re safe, his mental health will only deteriorate further now he is off his meds.
Can you speak to his mental health team? Please tell your family… could you stay with them until the baby is born to ensure you’re well protected and safe?
My ex H was like your husband. He was incredibly abusive.
He would hold things against me and be vindictive. He expected his wants, family and feelings to always come first.
He was always like that but he escalated to another level while I was pregnant. Especially when the pregnancy became high risk with me (I also had placenta previa, preclampsia).
I think he resented the fact that the attention was expected to be on me and all that it entailed, including the fact my focus shifted to our child (he wasn’t neglected).
Men like these expect to be coddled and indulged, they don’t like it when someone else is the priority.
I had hell during and after the birth from his neglect of me. It was so hard because I nearly passed and he didn’t gaf.
Do any of your friends and family know what is going on?
My god. Women! Stop giving men like this babies!
You’re going to have to let go of the idea that you can make him be rational right now or even make him happy. There’s clearly something wrong here. Please take care of yourself over the next few months. When baby is safely here, try out marriage counseling. I’d suggest he get his own counselor now. If he’s not willing to change or accept that he needs to get help, I think your marriage is over.
You’re unable to be his servant and he’s abusing you for it. These are not actions of a loving and understanding partner. I felt my blood pressure raise just reading this.
Keep us updated
He won’t be a support to you. You already know it.
Of course he’s treating you like this on purpose you need to go live with grandma. He’s probably the reason your at risk messing with your blood pressure all the time. He’s abusive plain and simple. Next time he starts screaming leave. Go to grandma’s for a few hrs and ignore him. You need to get space away from him.
Dude you gotta get out. He literally cannot handle that you have issues that overshadow his and he is taking it out on you. Run
I don’t think the issue is really related to your pregnancy, it’s just a focal point for the real issue.
Is there some type of history with you/him and his family and being reliable/available? He seems really upset that you were going to cancel with his family. Was that an important trip for him in some way?
Or, do you think that he thinks that you don’t value his family as much as your own?
Not saying that his behaviour is ok, it definitely isn’t. Especially in your condition. Just hoping to get a little more insight into what’s going on.
If you have a family member you trust, like your mom, ask them to stay with you for a couple of days. I doubt he’d act this way with an audience.
He always had a bad temper, You said.
Why dos you have THREE kids with this loser???
Girl, you need to leave. Take your kids to your parents house. He’s trying to kill you.
A j b 72q
Why the fuck are you still with this man? Him treating you like this is NOT okay, especially during a high risk pregnancy. Go stay with family and take the other two kids with you. Tell him he needs therapy for anger management or he won’t see you or his kids for a very long time. He’s literally putting you at risk because he can’t control himself
No wonder your BP is high. He is stressing you out even more.
This is an abusive relationship. You are being abused. It’s only going to get worse.
Are you kidding me? He is an abusive asshole. Leave him.
I divorced my abuser and I hope you are able to do the same. The sleep deprivation and yelling is one of their favorite moves. They love to claim it’s not abuse because they didn’t hit. It’s awful. I hope you can get away from him.
OP, stop making excuses for him. He’s not a nice guy. He’s mean, he’s abusive, and you deserve so much better. Set a positive example for your kids and show them that real women leave abusers.