When we first got married, he was so driven. He’d work overtime till midnight and still be cheerful, saying he was going to buy me a big house. But now? He plops down on the sofa as soon as he gets home, scrolls on his phone till midnight, and even complains when I ask him to fetch a glass of water. When I tell him we need to save money for kids, he says, “What’s the rush? Cross that bridge when we get to it.” Last time my mom came over , he even ate dinner with her in his pajamas. When I said a bit more about it, he slammed the door and locked himself in the bedroom. This life is exhausting. Can anyone give me some advice?
My husband just lazes around all day—I can barely hold on anymore
r/Advice
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Working overtime till midnight sounds exhausting. A person can only do that so long before needing rest.
You guys need to sit down and talk about alternative ways to save money that don’t cost him his happiness.
Because you aren’t having kids if you don’t address this problem in your relationship first.
When did he change? Was there a big event around that time?
What does it look like from his perspective? Is he overworked and tired all the time or is there some other issue going on? My husband is the type to just plop down and chill when he gets home but that’s after he works 10 hours, basking in the sun all day at a job he loathes but pays well. He just sounds burnt out to me. He went too hard at the beginning
It sounds like you were in love with the honeymoon phase, and aren’t really ready to face reality with this guy. Once people get comfortable, you finally get to see the real them. He already got his trophy, now he just wants to form the dad bod without being a dad.
You need to have a sit down with him and tell him how you’re feeling. Maybe not the mom-pajama thing, he’s a grown man in his own house and can do what he wants, but everything else. Before you do, I would recommend sitting down with yourself and writing all the things you want to achieve with this conversation. What are you hoping to change, what are you willing to compromise, those kinds of things. Also prepare yourself for adverse reactions, and also try to really understand what he’s feeling and why he’s started acting this way.
What does he want ?
Maybe your significant other is disabled and being on disability can make things less frustrating?
I wonder what his point of view is.
He’s probably f***ing TIRED!
How do you show him appreciation? By having him “fetch”? … I’d probably be the same if that’s what i came home to.
Think about that.
Sounds like untreated depression
Step out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan.
try saying “I’m overwhelmed and feeling unsupported. I need you to step up.” If nothing changes, you
may need to start setting limits, emotionally, financially..You shouldn’t have someone to drag into adulthood.
Do you show him that you love him or just use words? the way you’re describing his makes it seem likes he’s irritated, tired and not really interested but this doesn’t have to be about you maybe he went through something you don’t know about. Are you kind of pressing on him with unnecessary stuff when he’s stressed? maybe be there for him, give him a hug, let him know you’re there for him try talking to him ask if hes okay.
Does he need a depression screening? Maybe thyroid?
Maybe it isn’t physical, but if things suddenly changed, I’d want to rule that out first. Maybe he’s just burnt out.
It also doesn’t sound as if he’s lazing around “all day” if he’s still working. It sounds like you don’t like him very much, tbh. Where’s your concern? Compassion?
Uh, burnout is a real thing and even though he’s a man, he’s still allowed to have it. You didn’t think the way he was working was really sustainable, did you? As his wife, you should be supporting him right now while he tried to recuperate, not telling him to fetch you stuff like a dog as if slaving away at his job wasn’t bad enough without you trying to make him into your own slave too.
Does he at least still work ft hours?
He does sound burnt out
Here’s an idea, start working over time maybe even till midnight and put money away for the kids, oh and don’t forget to smile!
My husband was the same way. (He certainly did not work that much though)First, he assessed his mental health. He ended up staring an anti depressant. Then, we assessed diet. We all started incorporating more whole foods and less fast food. Then he assessed his phone use. Specifically not using it right before falling asleep and not keeping the phone by his head. He’s since cut back on screen time and is all around more energized and willing to participate in family stuff. “Laziness” is so off putting and causes me to feel so much resentment. Men need to feel loved, seen and appreciated, too! I hope yall are able to find solutions.
Does he feel appreciated for this work?
Does anybody else live with you and your husband?
<<He plops down on the sofa as soon as he gets home, scrolls on his phone till midnight, and even complains when I ask him to fetch a glass of water. >>
The man is busting his ass to work OT to buy you the big house he thinks you want and you’re whining that he won’t get you a glass of water. Why can’t you get it. ? Are you working ? How about you get a job with OT and see how eager you’d be to bust your ass all day at work and come home and be expected to fetch and carry for your spouse
Idk just follow the usual Reddit advice and divorce him or something I guess.
‘Fetch’ you water after working all day?🤡
The opening blew me away. He used to work overtime until midnight and you expected that to be sustainable and him to remain cheerful about his life? He’s not even living his life, how and why would he continue to have any aspirations if he’s never able to be present because he works all the time. Of course he plops, he needs to shut down for survival, and is likely depressed from such poor balance in life.
This should be “my husband is burnt out and overworked, what can I do/say?”
I’m sad for him.
Fetch, that’s a word I use with the dog. Go fetch the ball boy, something tells me my tone is probably nicer talking to the dog than yours is getting him to fetch water.
I’d suggest seeing if he’d talk to someone. M
I would go long periods, like years running on overdrive. The crash that follows gets you thinking what’s the point. This is normal for anyone who burned themselves out. For me, it was bipolar and burnout. Though very different, the share one trait. The harder you go, the worse the crash will be.
Sounds like you thought you were marrying into your very own personal work mule. Fetching your waters, working ridiculous hours, whatever else he did. What do you do for him?
How do you contribute in the family? I mean what do you do for work?
Something must have broken him is my guess. Timeline about being laid off/ redundancy?
Is he secretly having an affair?
Are you nagging (too much)?
Is it the prospect of saving up for the kids?
Is he terminally ill?
You’d have to probe. How? Am afraid, I dunno 😕
What kind of work do you have and what do you do after your shift?
Life got to him.
Why’d you ask him get a glass of water, like can’t you do it by yourself?
OP come back and answer questions, otherwise this is a useless post.
I find myself having malaise when I have had too much scrolling time. It could be a pattern? Ironic as I am on my phone scrolling. I’m on a phone diet tomorrow.
Is there a reason you can’t get your own glass of water. Do you work? Do you know how hard it is to work long hours? You sound ungrateful
I can’t believe he doesn’t love fetching. Maybe try telling him to heel or roll over.
Counseling
What do you contribute to the bills?
Maybe it’s your turn to work til midnight and fetch shit until you get sick of being slaved out by everyone in your life.
Not gonna lie you sound kind of exhausting yourself…
If I’m working till late and my wife is crying over me wearing pajamas In my own house and being treated like a servant, she’s gone. Don’t hold on, set the man free from whatever you are
He is trying to make you break up the marriage. I will drive you nuts with his antics until you file for divorce.
You should be getting him the glass of water. And feeding him. Do his laundry, keep the house clean, and take his boots off after work. Why would he want to give you kids when you can’t even take care of him?
Bet he doesn’t even get a proper blowie
I worked 3 jobs when my baby was little, but had a literal wake up call when I drifted off driving a work van and woke up going 60 in the oncoming lane. I’m actually glad I had that experience and was able to make some changes before I worked myself to abject burnout.
I imagine for your husband, seeing all the OT till midnight not matter because the housing market is utterly fucked, shattering dreams and bringing on depression. But he’s got to snap out of it because he has a family in the present that needs a husband and father to be engaged. I hope you can find a counselor to work through things together and that he is open to it.
Talk to your husband. Let me ask you, do you love this man? Can you be understanding when he’s down? Plus I’ve been there. Burnout sucks. How about treat HIM how you’d like to be treated. Because believe me. If you intend on being married long term, you’ll eventually need him to pick you up and be there like he needs you now.
What are you doing to help make the purchase of a big house a reality?
Sounds like burnout & stressed out from work. That’s how I felt last year from work.
Do you work the same shift/hours? Partnership, equality and not asking him to fetch anything you aren’t willing to do as well.
you asking him to fetch a glass of water tells me all i need to know. What is he your dog or slave. I assume you have two hands, two feet, and know how to operate a water faucet. I worked 85 hours a week and my wife would always get pissed if she saw me sitting down on my only day that i did not work my full time job. I would do all the yard work, clean our 16’x32′ swimming pool that day and fix whatever need to be repaired around the house. When i finished i would sit down and she would always get an attitude and eventually pick a fight when i had sat down for an hour. I have never figured out why women think that men should be busy all the time and never shown they appreciated for all they do by their SO. Men can do 99 things right and the SO will bitch because they left one chore undone or did one thing wrong. I got to the same point that your husband did because no matter what i did for my wife she found a reason to criticize me. After 12 years of the BS i decided to give up and i did the same thing he is doing. Trust me divorce is coming soon. He will not file for it because he is waiting for you to get enough of it that you will file. You need to look inward to understand what caused this change in behavior if you want to save this marriage. My wife never thanked me for all of the things that i did around the house including doing most of the housework. The only thing she was solely responsible for was cooking and keeping the kitchen clean though i grilled out 4-5 per week during the summer.
LOL at all this benefit of the doubt to this dude. If genders were swapped in this post, I reaaalllyy doubt people would be this empathetic 🙄
He sounds like a manchild.
How dare he! He’s supposed to be an unfeeling machine! Why the unmitigated gall!
Is he suffering from depression?