My husband [40m] and I [39f] have been married 14 years, together 17. Last night, after a night out drinking (which is rare for us), we were in bed cuddling and just talking. He told me there was something he needed to tell me. I got nervous a little, but I didn’t figure it could be too serious—it didn’t seem like the kind of moment you’d ruin with something awful.
But it was a bombshell.
He recently went on a work trip and was gone for six weeks. I’ve sent him racy photos before, but whenever he brought up video, I was never comfortable. Not comfortable enough with myself or my body. But this time, I was feeling more confident, so I went out of my comfort zone. We had FaceTime sex.
Before we started, I made him promise he wasn’t going to record it. I even asked once during, just to be sure. He convincingly told me no. He said it in a way that made me believe him—that he respected my wishes, that he understood how vulnerable I felt.
Back to last night—he started by telling me how sexy he found what we did and how amazing it was for him. My heart sank. I asked him if he recorded it.
He said he did. Just a portion of it.
Then he went on to tell me again how sexy it was, how it’s the only thing he wants to watch when he’s “going at it alone.”
I got quiet. My body tensed. He asked if I was mad. I couldn’t even find the words for how I felt.
He said over and over that he’d delete it if I wanted him to.
I told him it wasn’t just about the video—it was the betrayal. He promised me he wouldn’t record it and then lied to my face. He knew what he was doing in that moment, and still, I’m not sure he even really understood what a betrayal it was.
I told him exactly that. He said he knew—and again repeated he’d delete it if I wanted.
I didn’t say much. I just told him I wanted to go to sleep. Because I did. I didn’t want to think about it. I couldn’t.
Then he got defensive and said, “This is why I don’t…” and didn’t finish the sentence.
And now all I can think is—what was he going to say? What was he about to justify?
That he finally came clean? A month later?
What did he expect me to feel?
This morning, I just went about my routine. Got the kids ready for school. Said goodbye. Like everything was normal.
But it’s not.
I need to have a conversation about it. I need to tell him I’m not mad—I’m deeply hurt. But I don’t know what kind of reaction from him wouldn’t hurt more.
Is this as big as it feels to me?
If he gets defensive again, how much damage will that do to our relationship?
We’ve been through a lot in nearly 20 years. Minor betrayals. Disagreements. All relationships have them.
But this? This feels worse than anything. Because now I know he’s capable of looking me in the eye and lying in a moment that was vulnerable and sacred for me.
How can I trust him again? Not just with that—because it won’t happen again—but with anything?
He broke something. And I don’t know how to fix it.
Or if I even want to.
UPDATE (Long and emotional, still processing):
Thank you all for the comments and support. I’ve started making my way through them, but while I was reading, my husband called—and I wanted to share what happened while it’s still fresh, or at least as much as I can remember, because emotions really clouded my recollection of this conversation.
He called while driving to his next job, and we were just talking about dinner plans and the evening. I said, “We’ll need to have a conversation too.”
He finally gave me the “sorry” I’d been looking for—and a lot more. Not in a good way.
He said he was sorry he recorded it, but that he thought I knew he was going to. I didn’t understand. I reminded him I specifically asked him not to, even during, and he said something like, “Yeah, but you said it like ‘nooo,’ so I thought you knew I was.”
I repeated that I clearly remember him saying no, sincerely. That I trusted that.
Then he said I should be flattered that he wanted to keep it. That I could make money off it. That he had such a sexy wife he’d rather watch me than watch porn.
It felt like a mess of pathetic excuses—like he was just grasping at anything to avoid me being mad.
He kept saying he’d delete the video. And again, I told him—it’s not about the video. It’s that he lied to my face. He knew what he was doing, and he lied in a moment that was vulnerable and intimate for me.
He said “sorry” again. Multiple times.
Then he got defensive.
He said he knew I’d “hold this over his head.” That I “always do,” and that I’d bring it up a month or a year from now.
I tried to explain to him the physical pain I felt when he told me the truth last night—and that it came back during this conversation.
The pressure in my chest, the sting in my fingertips, even my teeth hurt.
It’s a feeling I’ve only ever had during deep emotional pain, and not in years.
He glossed right over it.
He said, “What do you want me to say? What can I do?”
I told him I didn’t know. That the only thing he could do is wait.
Wait for me to trust him again.
Then he took it exactly where, deep down, I always feared he would:
He flipped the blame.
He said I lie to him all the time.
So here’s where I’m going to be honest—because I want real feedback. I want to know if this is the same.
I’m a chronic pain patient. I lost my pain management doctor a year ago when the DEA started cracking down on providers prescribing long-term opioids, even to patients like me with real, documented needs.
That doctor had me on a dose that helped me live my life. Not high. Just functioning. When I lost him, I went months without relief, and my husband had to carry a lot of the load at home.
Eventually, I found a new doctor—but they’re much more conservative. I now get a little less than half the medication I used to. It helps, but it’s not enough.
Some days, I take more than I’m supposed to. I’ve never taken so many that I felt “high” or couldn’t function. You wouldn’t even know by looking at me. But when I run low, the pain hits hard, and I can’t do what I used to. The house gets messy. The chores pile up. And then he picks up the slack.
He asks me how many pills I’ve taken. And I’ve lied. I’ll say 3 (what I’m supposed to take) or 4, when it’s really 5 or 6. I do it to avoid fighting. That’s the truth.
He brought this up today and said that’s why he lied to me—to avoid the fight.
I told him I didn’t think it was the same. That taking an intimate, emotional moment and violating my consent while lying directly to my face… felt like a much deeper betrayal.
He said he wasn’t “mad at me for feeling this way,” but it felt like he was—like he was trying to show how “gracious” he was being for not yelling at me, like he was the one forgiving me now.
He kept saying we both make mistakes. That I shouldn’t use this against him later.
I don’t know. I’m honestly numb right now.
I can feel my brain trying to shut this down.
I’ve been through trauma. I’ve done therapy. I know what dissociation feels like.
This is it.
It’s like a blanket—one that keeps me from breaking in the moment but pushes the pain down until it surfaces again, later, harder.
Maybe that’s why he thinks I bring up “old shit”—because I didn’t fully process it at the time. Not because I want to punish him. But because I couldn’t handle it then.
I don’t know what to think anymore.
Comments
Unfortunately, his response doesn’t seem filled with understanding or remorse. And likely he was going to say something along the lines of why he doesn’t tell you everything which begs the question of what else he hasn’t shared to keep the peace.
I’d try and communicate with him but also protect your peace and really think about how to move forward or if you even can. I’m sorry your trust was broken.
20 years of marriage, not that big of a deal honestly. Shame on him? Yeah. World ending? No. Just be pissed off or hurt, tell him how you feel, and move on.
“This is why I don’t tell you when I do something you ask me not to.” Based on his defensiveness, I think you have no choice but to take his comment in the worst way especially because he didn’t finish it. You cannot trust this man. Who knows what he’s done before when you asked him not to.
He clearly didn’t care about your boundaries and doesn’t see how he blatantly broke trust by lying to you. He made himself feel better by telling you. Either you lie to yourself or you lie to him that everything is fine. This will change the relationship, because of HIS actions.
Your husband lied to you, recorded it and then proceeds to say he can delete it if you want him to but like what you wanted in the first place was to never be recorded, the audacity smh
He shouldn’t had recorded it ever. But let’s suppose in the moment if he did, he had plenty of days to feel the intensity of his action on his own and delete it. He did not. He didn’t even felt like it was an issue in the first place. And even after coming clean to you, he’s merely saying, “I can delete it if you want me to” as in he doesn’t see the horror and hurt on your face.
It shows how little he regards your feelings or your boundaries.
Personally I’d crash out over this but you better then me so I’d suggest having a conversation about boundaries and how it bothered you. You’ve been married for almost two decades afterall so I won’t suggest divorce over it I’d honestly want him to notice something’s wrong and come up to you to have the conversation tho.
Record him at his most vulnerable moment and then let him know that you have the recording (you don’t really have to record it) maybe then he will understand how betrayed you felt
It would be really hard for me to trust him ever again. I’m not sure I’d be able to stay in a relationship with someone who’d lied to me like that.
He told you he wasn’t doing it and then did it, even though you told him multiple times you weren’t cool with that. He knew you didn’t consent, he decided what he wanted mattered more than your consent, and then he got defensive when you called him on his dishonesty.
Fuck him.
It sounds like he truly doesn’t understand what the problem is (which is ridiculous, because he should). He keeps repeating that he can delete it, because he thinks you’re upset because he’s in possession of a video you didn’t want in existence and that he can fix that easily with a delete button. He’s not thinking about the betrayal, and the lies, and how that affects your ability to trust him or be vulnerable ever again. He told you because he feels guilty, because he knows it was wrong. And he wants it to be an easy solution to make things right.
You have to tell him it’s not an easy solution. You have to tell him this isn’t about the video. It’s that you’re going to struggle with ever engaging with him in that way ever again, or believing anything he tells you. He needs to know the consequences, and if he gets angry please remember he’s projecting the anger he should feel towards himself onto you. Just calmly say that you feel betrayed and will struggle to regain a sense of trust and vulnerability ever again, and be prepared to not have that earned trust for the foreseeable future unless he’s willing to do the work to earn it back again. Then let him sit with that. If he asks for a photo/video again, tell him you’re not comfortable with it and he will know why. Until things change for you, until you feel safe again. But that will require work on his part. He broke it. He needs to fix it.
A conversation about how hurt and betrayed you feel is definitely the first step. He doesn’t sound like he understands that what he did broke your trust. If he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t sounds the least bit remorseful.
Ultimately, I think you’re going to have to talk to him again and see how he reacts. Put yourself first. The type of “love” you accept is an important influence to your kids. Communicate, then go from there. You have every right to be hurt by this situation.
Sucks for you that you cant trust him anymore after that….and it sucks for him, he should have followed your wishes…specially if he truly knew you. Thing is he did it, so now you have decide if it’s worth not building that trust up again. He should have known better. I would also say that unless he has pulled shit like this in the past, sometimes people have to learn from mistakes, sadly. Make sure he learns if you decide to move forward and build that trust up again.
He’s saying he’ll delete it because he had backup copies in the cloud.
If you have access to that info, go in and delete it everywhere and make sure he can’t recover it.
This — is — AI —
“This is why I don’t tell you the truth” is the only way that sentence ends honestly and he couldn’t even say that much. :-/
Idk..a lot of people here talking about how bad this is.. and I understand the betrayed feel.. but look at it in the bigger picture.. he wanted a video of THE TWO OF YOU being intimate.. not porn, not someone else.. not cheating with someone else.. yeah be hurt a little.. but geez.. he wanted it with YOU.. I’d be a little hurt .. maybe but THRILLED he isn’t looking at other women!!! Just my opinion
He didn’t just break a promise he violated your trust during one of your most vulnerable moments. That kind of betrayal cuts deep because it wasn’t a mistake; it was a choice. You’re not overreacting. You deserve honesty, respect, and safety in your intimacy. It’s okay to feel shattered and it’s okay to question if and how trust can be rebuilt.
For the people saying it’s not a big deal you don’t understand her hurt. He lied! She now knows he capable of lying to her face. I honestly don’t think it’s worthy of ending a marriage, but I do think a big talk and discussion is needed.
If you want that video gone, you’re going to have to fully delete it yourself. From everywhere, including the cloud. I’m so sorry, I could feel your hurt whilst reading this post. This is betrayal and your feelings are valid.
Isn’t it illegal to film something sexual without consent? Also him doing this is exactly why you were never comfortable with it in the first place, smh.
>He broke something. And I don’t know how to fix it. Or if I even want to.
Have you considered that he maybe feeling the same way? His reticence to talk with you about it shows he knows he screwed up, but also he doesn’t know how to make it right. Which (in his view likely) is also the reason he lied and clammed back up – nothing he can say or do will make it better. That includes coming clean and being honest with you. And sadly, your reaction may have reinforced that twisted logic.
I honestly don’t know how you could go about fixing this. It’s quite a personal matter. The only thing would be to talk about it without being defensive. But even then, you are likely to still have some trust issues, justifiably so.
He betrayed you and tried to put the deleting on you. You need counseling because he is not listening and respecting your boundaries. In therapy if he goes I would ask him how can you trust him not to share the video, how can you trust him at his word? Why does he think his wants and needs come before your boundaries?
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Saying I’ll delete if you want me too is bullshit line to blame you for this. If he had remorse he should’ve deleted it permanently even from the temporary trash on the phone. No questions asked. He’s got more secrets and it’s probably worse. He might have filmed you unknowingly multiple times. It’s a huge betrayal of trust.
It’s your husband.. atleast he wasn’t receiving racy pics and videos from another woman and if he does due to you being a prude, then I wouldn’t blame him..
I’m not going to share my entire story because I don’t feel comfortable.
All I’m going to say is it can get so much worse. Like I had no idea. I was naive as fuck about how dark this shit gets and how fast. Does he have a porn addiction? If so this isn’t just a slippery slope this is an emergency. You could end up not just being recorded, but being shared, being posted, secretly recorded and sent to individuals. Take that sinking feeling you felt and times it by a million. I’m literally a completely different person after the shit I went through with this.
Again establish if this man has a porn addiction and then comb with IT level expertise any device in which material of you could be on. Think on anything you’ve ever sent, even things you haven’t but are just on your phone.
I’m getting really worked up typing this out, I don’t like to think on this shit too long. Once you loose that sacredness….imagine him not only doing this but then sharing it with friends, with random strangers on the internet, with porn sites. That type of violation when you’re that vulnerable on that big of a scale….against your consent…you will change forever.
Protect yourself at all costs. There are people out here doing really sick vile shit, they are lost souls. And they can be the closest ones to you. Just please protect yourself
IMO you can’t trust him. You won’t be able to again. You asked him not to, he did it anyway. The trust is broken.
You can try couples therapy if you think it’s worth it, but I think have the conversation with him – his reaction will tell you if he cares or not. If he’s defensive and not understanding, he doesn’t care, and only you leaving will wake him up to how important trust is.
If you stay, you’re telling him you accept this behaviour and it will continue, because there were not consequences for him.
I gave my ex years of chances, he never changed. Only when I walked out the door did he realise. And by then it was too late.
I wish you peace op, even if that’s on your own. Best of luck.
You’ve been together for 17 years and your husband goes on business trips and doesn’t look for other women…he’s not looking for porn.. Instead he wants to see you, a video of you cuz he’s so attracted to you and that’s how he wants to get off.
On one hand I get that he shouldn’t have done it without your permission, on the other hand many women would dream of that scenario.
So yes, make sure you discuss boundaries and such, but don’t blow it out of proportion.
How are you supposed to ever trust him again? And what is a marriage without trust? Ask him both of those questions.
Idk..maybe it’s my generation or whatever but him not understanding the level of betrayal would be grounds for separation because it goes so much deeper than that. I would need time. Lots of time. To know you’re uncomfortable and that you don’t consent? And to do it anyway. Wrong. Imagine if someone did that to his daughter
He filmed you during a very intimate moment without your consent, and then lied about it, that is not ok.
Where I understand WHY he wanted to film you, you’re his wife, he thinks you’re sexy, that’s understandable. But asking, being told no, and doing it anyway is WRONG.
It doesn’t matter if y’all are married or not, it doesn’t matter that he was the only person who watched it, it’s still wrong because you told him no.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you!
Yep you should delete it from his phone, cloud, laptop and digital trash bins completely yourself as you can’t trust him not to have backups and not send him anything again, he doesn’t get it or the breech of trust and doing things like this without consent. To be honest the problem is also him forcing/coercing you to do things that you’re uncomfortable with. No means no. His love bombing and gaslighting do not make it any less abusive, it’s not cute, romantic or a sign he’s that into you… no… it screams he doesn’t respect you and is selfish. Him trying to make this a you issue and blaming you because he has no honour and ignores the boundaries or what you’re comfortable with is just wrong.
I left someone like this and felt such relief to get rid of the constant pressure to do what they wanted at my expense and the childish comments trying to say it was a me problem I.e I’m spoiling things, not fun, not understanding, I should just try new things, if I love them(F’off), you always say/this(f’ing take the hint and stop asking then)etc when they were the one acting like they had no comprehension of the word no unless it was something they didn’t want to do.
>Then he got defensive and said, “This is why I don’t…” and didn’t finish the sentence. And now all I can think is—what was he going to say?
He’s absolutely going to use this incident to justify not telling you things. He’ll say he doesn’t tell you things because you overreact. But you’re not overreacting. You’re just not reacting the way he wants you to. If you react in a way that makes him feel badly about what he did, he needs to call it an overreaction in order to dismiss it rather than holding himself accountable.
He broke your trust. He didn’t just violate it. It is fully broken now. Make him delete it. When you divorce him, make sure there is a sharp penalty for him if you find out he didn’t delete the video and a really painful penalty if you find out he shared it with anyone or uploaded it anywhere.
this is literally chatgpt lol
Man a guy can’t win. Would you rather have him watch porn and look at other woman? Clearly he thinks your a smoke show. You should feel good about yourself that he only wants to watch you.
He’s yor husband for gawd sakes
😳
Honestly, scary af
I’m not gonna lie; this would be immediate divorce for me, it’s one degree shy of rape. It’s a sexual act with invalid consent, I’d liken it to stealthing. I could absolutely never trust this person again and there’s no point staying with someone you can’t trust. It sounds like he thinks he owns you and doesn’t see you as an equal if he thinks his behaviour was even remotely okay.
It’s not ok he did that but by reading these comments it disgust me on getting back at him and saying fuck him overthinking it all paranoid you don’t know there relationship they been together for 17 years and you think this was there only problem they’ve had it’s toxic, work together and communicate like you’ve done for 17 years and push through and understand eachother he probably recorded because how turned on which alters the mind like crazy if your horny especially for guys it’s you are not yourself horny. Its one fuck up and I’m sure if you talk he will apologize he already offered to delete it and your his wife he knows not to Sabotage his whole world like that. Through my experiences communication has always saved me from overthinking ruining everything it’s not the end of the world talk to eachother
You shared that moment with him because you felt safe with him.
But you’re not safe. You are right to feel the way you feel. Every ounce of those feelings are valid. He violated your safety, your consent, your trust, your feelings, and your clearly stated wishes. He made a choice to do that with his eyes wide open. Then, when you rightfully confronted him, he wasn’t sorry. He even went as far as trying to make you feel like the bad guy for not allowing yourself to be violated, which is truly repulsive.
He did that because he doesn’t actually care about your feelings or wishes. Or, they rank a distant second to his dick. He did that because he truly thinks it’s okay to violate you.
He showed you something really important. Don’t sweep it under the rug because it’s disturbing and uncomfortable. On a very basic human level, he doesn’t respect you. I couldn’t remain married to someone who didn’t respect me. And even more so someone who saw my primary function for him not as Partner but as Object for Sexual Gratification.
I’m so incredibly sorry this is happening to you.
Pretend everything’s fine for now. Just tell him it wasn’t okay to do that and you want it deleted. Sit with him and make sure he deletes the video. Check his internet history to make sure it wasn’t uploaded anywhere. Check for hidden folders. Look at his Screen Time to see what applications he’s been using. Demand complete transparency in this. Tell him if any copies still exist, you will divorce him immediately. After it’s deleted, pretend all is well.
Then start quietly withdrawing from the marriage. Because it’s over. You can’t trust him anymore. It’s really as simple as that. There are no magical words you or he can say to get trust or safety back. Get your papers in order, get set up financially, do whatever you need to do. But get out. Because you’ll never feel safe with him again.
Is that what you want for your life?
OP, all relationships DO NOT have minor betrayals. Disagreements, sure, but those are eventually settled and/or a compromise is reached. What kind of minor betrayals are we talking about here? And are you calling them minor, or is he calling them minor?
OP, your husband violated you. At the end of the day, sexual assault is a major violation of physical boundaries, and what he did was violate your emotional boundaries. Your body doesn’t see a difference between the two. This is a major betrayal and I wouldn’t want to work to get back the trust with a person like this. He knew, KNEW that you didn’t want to be recorded and did it anyway. He took your “no” and threw it aside in favor of what he wanted. That’s about control right there, not masturbation material. There is so much porn out there that is made by CONSENTING adults. You DID NOT consent. And he KNEW that.
If you choose to stay, just know that the body stores unprocessed trauma and that this isn’t going to just go away. The body remembers.
This goes to consent. You consented to one thing. You did not consent to being recorded. In some places, this is actually a chargeable crime.
You don’t need to spell it out to him, he knows what he did was wrong.
The only question is, where do you go from here?
Get a divorce.
I’m so sorry, OP. I know almost exactly what you’re feeling and it’s world shattering. You’re probably lost in thought wondering about all of the other times he looked you in the eyes and lied- meanwhile you kept your heart open to him like a life partner should.
I left my situation, but I didn’t have children or twenty years of history to contend with. Is a break feasible? Not to see other people- but to get away from the childish emotions your husband seems to be dealing with. It sounds like you’re the primary caregiver for the kids so I don’t know how your husband would feel about getting booted from the house for a few weeks. But it could
very well be the reality check he needs to understand how deep this betrayal is.
I’d have killed (non literal death) my partner and deleted every single recording/picture I could find. It’s disgusting to betray someone’s trust in such a way and if he doubled down, I would’ve just left him, 17 years of marriage Or not. Because if my partner doesn’t know me well enough after 17 years to know that I would absolutely blow a gasket if he recorded me like that without my permission, then we’re better off not being together in the first place so I can find someone to actually respect my boundaries.
His nut is not more important than your trust.
u/BrokenEchoes … what’s in a name. Send this post and all the replies to your husband. These people care more about your feelings than he does. You want to know how to trust him? I’m honestly sorry but you can’t. If you forgive him for this, you’ll always be wondering what’s next.
Wishing you strength.
Unpopular opinion. Never ever send pictures or engage in video sexual content it can be saved or leaked at anytime. Have a conversation about how this made you feel and never do this again. He is a man I guarantee he won’t ever truly understand your insecurities around this topic.
Men are ALWAYS asking for videos and nudes!! They seriously have zero understanding of the consequences and how that affects us.
So many people send naked videos of women to each other like it’s no big deal. I see men post personal ads for themselves that will have naked women in them on reddit. I saw a subreddit for my small town where guys were exchanging photos of local women like trading cards. Even if your husband is more trustworthy than that, has he ever lost a phone? Is he ever careless with it? People get hacked. It’s really not that hard anymore. Can he guarantee that’s not going to happen to him? What if it isn’t so nefarious as a scammer. What if your kids or other relatives end up seeing them?
Seriously, this is one of those things that drives me up a wall.
He doesn’t feel bad. He feels like he’s entitled to this kind of thing from you. You need to remind him that he’s not and that he’s lost this privilege completely (or until/if you ever feel comfortable).
I’d get the fact that he recorded without your consent in writing via text, then demand couples counseling so he can understand how he effed up.
He seems to think that because, in his mind, he’s loyal to you, that a little fib is ok and he can just fix it later.
Honestly… how could you ever trust him again? Thats such an incredible violation.
Men can never have anything nice. You trust them and they give you reasons not too. I’m sorry that happened. 😔
Jeez what a chokehold relationship id hate to be married to you. It’s your husband who finds you beautiful and sexy and wants you. He didn’t cheat he didn’t hurt you yeah I’ll get some hate here but there are worse things to loose trust over don’t let Reddit guilt you into divorce
Go to marriage counseling. Pronto.
This is what I call a relationship changing moment. Whether it means you two will never be the same, or you two won’t be together. I’m so sorry.
Of all the things that could happen you get upset about this? Despite YOUR insecurities about body image he finds you perfectly fine. There’s no difference in racey pics and video, apparently he still finds you attractive enough to keep the video and still watches it.
This isn’t about trust, it’s about your insecurities.
Get his phone and delete it. Also delete all the pictures. Then go to the delete folder and delete that too.
He’ll delete it “if you want”.
He knew you explicitly said not to record it.
He knew you felt betrayed when he told you he’d made an illegal (without your consent = illegal in most places) recording.
Neither of these is enough indication from you that it should be deleted.
Side note: he probably has it stored in multiple places, so you can’t guarantee it’s gone if you watch him delete it.
I would talk to a lawyer- not just about divorce, but of whether what he did is illegal in his jurisdiction.
He doesn’t view you as an equal. You are below him, and that’s why it was no big deal to lie to you. He’s going to be mad that you don’t know your place. Your relationship has forever changed bc he knows you know, that he sees his interests as more important than yours.
This is probably not the first time he’s recorded you, but just the first time he’s told you about it. I would verify. Sending you love and I hope I’m wrong, but regardless this is a “he showed you who he is, believe him” moment.
Not fucking cool.
That’s such a huge breach of trust. And his lack of accountability is so disappointing and annoying. I think I would never be able to have phone sex again, bc what if he lies and records it again? And what else could he be lying about?
He really messed up. You need to let him know how you feel in no uncertain terms and I guess the future of the relationship will depend on how he reacts. I would brace myself, bc it’s not looking good, but I wish you good luck nonetheless. Sorry this happened to you OP.
I completely agree that he was wrong and lied and betrayed you. But if you don’t mind me asking, how did it get to the point where after nearly 2 decades you are still not comfortable with him having explicit material? Shouldn’t it be abundantly clear by this point that he is trustworthy and finds you and your body attractive? (And when I say “trustworthy” here, I mean that he’s not going to do anything bad with what you send him other than for personal use). I’d say it’s also a win that he only has eyes for you, if he said he’d rather use that than look at other women in porn.
My brain keeps going back to him saying “I’ll delete it IF YOU WANT ME TO.”….. He shouldn’t even have it!!! It’s an automatic YES DELETE IT. He shouldn’t be asking. He should’ve gotten up and deleted it in front of OP and apologized profusely there after. No other comments needed. The fact he still hasn’t and waiting for her to ask it to be deleted says SO MUCH right now. I wouldn’t trust him ever after this, because he’s willing to disregard her completely is.. divorce level. Esp after he was about to say “this is why I don’t…” I’m angry for OP.
“This is why I don’t tell you when…I’ve betrayed your trust”.
Girl you can be both mad and hurt. He broke your trust.
Someone who steals your ability to choose is someone who doesn’t respect your ability to choose.
This is a crime.
Geeze he likes seeing u his wife naked n plays with himself while watching u n he said he only did record some of it u should be happy he’s watching u instead of the usual porn but I’d still make him do something special for just don’t be to hard on him we r guys sometimes we do stupid things for the best reasons or so we think
Oh, go through his laptop and scour his cloud accounts and delete it everywhere. Wipe it everywhere.
Updateme
Look, real talk. Go to therapy. Individual and couples. It sounds like you weren’t happy even before all this. And don’t go to an echo chamber for advice. Reddit is notoriously bad at relationship advice that isn’t run! So unless that’s the answer you’re looking for, go ask a professional.
Seeing a lot of heated comments here for what seems like a miscommunication of a core concept. Without knowing either of you beyond this post it’s hard to weigh in so I’ll just provide some guy brain context based on my relationship of similar length with my wife who is also very self conscious
You say: I’m not comfortable with videos but I’ll do photos
His brain hears: I’m ok with being recorded in pics because I can be sure I look good. I don’t want videos because there might be something unappealing
Video sex time happens
His guy brain: oh great, she’s finally gonna loosen up and I can show her how much everything she does is 100% appealing to me if this goes well. I’ll make sure she’s as comfortable and in the moment as possible to give it the best chance
His guy brain later: you know what would be a great confidence boost for my wife? If that thing she was worried about wasn’t true! I’m gonna tell her how hot her video always makes me to show her how much she shouldn’t be self conscious! It’ll be great!
Y’all talk
Massive error was made by guy brain not understanding it’s attempt at solving a problem you didn’t want solved
“This is why I don’t” … Trails off realizing he already fucked up now is not the time to dig a deeper hole
That sentence could have gone lots of ways.
Sex and relationships are complicated and especially a few drinks in his guy brain probably took over again as was exasperated that he tried to do something nice and got shit on for it. Doesn’t matter that to you it wasn’t nice it was a violation of trust, just that he made an effort and got a negative response when expecting a positive one. Depending on your husband he may legitimately not understand because to him this situation is like saying you don’t want to do anal but are fine with massive butt plugs.
Again, not saying this is the case at all. I don’t know either of you. But in his shoes I could see a younger version of myself thinking similarly. You were ok with keeping photos, you were ok filming but didn’t feel confident enough for keeping the video. The video was already made and it had fantastic results why not keep it? Let’s eliminate an insecurity and I’ll show you how much it’s not an issue by keeping the video as a special thing and you don’t have to feel insecure anymore. Everybody wins! Guys are dumb like that.
Of course he could also just be pressuring you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with after the fact to try to control you or because he’s selfish. Just wanted to provide some context to think about before talking to him when he’s sober and able to ignore drunk/about to have sex guy brain. Chemical influences are no joke
>He said over and over that he’d delete it if I wanted him to.
You diddnt want him to record it. He did, and then advises he would delete it if you want.
Nowhere in that did he ever respect your wishes to begin with, he overstepped your clearly defined boundary and continues to fail to respect it even now.
Not sure how you can trust him, he is clearly capable of disregarding your most basic requests, fails to recognize how he fucked up, and is capable of lying to your face.
He fucked up and you’re here wondering how to fix this. You can’t fix this, its 100% his failings that got you here.
“Minor betrayals. Disagreements. All relationships have them.”
Girl what? Betrayals? My husband ate my leftovers one time when we were dating and has never done it since. That’s the extent if the betrayal I am willing to tolerate.
You can’t trust your husband because he’s clearly shown you regardless of the promises he makes or your concerns, he’s going to do what he wants even if he has to lie to do it.
Updateme
>We’ve been through a lot in nearly 20 years. Minor betrayals. Disagreements. All relationships have them.
I’m going to be honest, not all long term relationships have “minor betrayals”. I’ve been with my spouse for over 20 years and neither of us have betrayed the other. I say that as someone that has a lot of trauma that I’ve been working through as well.
There is zero excuse for what he did.
Also, yes you want him to delete it and then make sure he deletes the back ups. To be honest, I would talk with someone that knows that phone, so like customer support for Apple or your phone carrier, and then ask them to walk you through how to make sure it’s deleted everywhere and if there is a way to see if that video has been copied or uploaded anywhere else.
Do this from your phone with your husbands phone unlocked.
He broke it and it’s up to him to figure out how to fix it. I will be honest here, I couldn’t get past this, especially if I had kids with them. You will be teaching them that they should put up with this kind of betrayal. Kids know more than parents give them credit for.
You could do couples therapy to help your husband understand, but he does understand it, he just doesn’t care about how you feel as long as he gets what he wants.
The therapy can help you both be better coparents because I don’t see how you can ever trust him again when he is unwilling to admit he was wrong and end it there. He is trying to play victim and use manipulation of “well this is why I don’t…” like what don’t you do ‘tell the truth’ ‘be open with your spouse’ ‘respect your spouse’? There is no way that sentence doesn’t end terribly.
Of course your trust was broken, he violated you in such a way that is very hard, if even possible to come back from. It’s likely not even legal depending on the state you’re in. If it’s a 2 party consent state and you explicitly did not consent, it’s not legal what he did. If your state has revenge porn laws, this might fall under it, but it would depend on where you are, what the law says and what he’s done with the video.
I’m so sorry he violated you like this and broke your trust. He did that, not you. He has to fix this, not you.
Here’s my take.
If I was telling my wife I recorded something like that and her entire body tensed up with her clearly really upset… the FIRST thing I’m doing is grabbing my phone and deleting the video. I’m going to ask if she wants me to delete the video.
Granted I’m also not going to be a piece of shit who explicitly lied to my wife about recording her in the first place but still. It’s extremely telling that he was trying to get out of deleting the video by making you tell him to do it instead of just doing it.
Then he could say “I deleted it like you asked so I don’t know why you are still upset?”
I’m sorry OP. Truly. I get it. It’s clearly an awful betrayal, no one would argue that. But you are struggling to figure out is “is this bad enough to end the relationship and have to rebuild my life from scratch?” And I don’t have the answer to that question. No one does but you.
I’d strongly recommend trying therapy if you can. If nothing else, you deserve to talk to someone without judgement
You ask how you can trust him again after this, but I don’t think it sounds like you trusted him before this. You asked him not to record your intimate moment, then confirmed that he wasn’t recording, and, when the memory was brought up for discussion later, your first gut reaction was that he had betrayed you and recorded it. Three times just for this story that you hesitated to trust him. Everyone’s marriage is different, but I can say with confidence that I wouldn’t have felt the need to ask beforehand, nor confirm, nor would that have been my gut feeling when the topic was brought up later…
It seems like there’s a lot more to you not trusting your husband and that these examples surrounding the FaceTime event are just the symptoms, not the cause.
This is Reddit, so everyone will tell you to leave him, divorce him, etc.
Yes, he lied. But in his defense, he did tell you voluntarily. You didn’t find out on your own. On top of that, consider his motives. He lied out of a desire for YOU. When I saw the title, I assumed he was going to admit to cheating or not being attracted to you, but this was just the opposite.
He’s not sorry for what he did, he is sorry for telling you the truth. He feels he shot himself in the foot by telling you the truth. He now knows to not tell you the truth because he will get the same response from you and he wants to avoid it.
For me, trust is fully broken. I’d think of what else he has deliberately withheld from me because he didn’t want my reaction. I’d think of what else he is capable of doing. He only thinks of himself and what makes him comfortable, he does not give a shit about you or making you feel safe.
As someone who never filmed a single sexual act to doing it regularly because of my husband. What he did is an incredibly disgusting thing to do. I can’t believe he is making light of something he didn’t even admit to you till he was drunk. How long would he have had that?
My partner not only asks for consent everytime and mind you we spent months apart and everything was through FaceTime. He always shows me what he took and shows me where on his phone it is and makes sure it’s 100% protected and for nobodys eyes but his own.
You deserve to feel protected and respected by your partner and what he did was none of those things. I’m not going to scream divorce or anything but I suggest after speaking with him if he is still blowing you off, do not quit the conversation. HOLD. You need to make sure he understands that his behaviour is not only disgusting but that it has caused serious resentment in your marriage and that you both will need to seek counselling if he wishes to move forward. If he still thinks you’re overreacting show him this post, let him seethe as he reads the comments about how awful he was. I encourage you to ask yourself what would make you feel better about this marriage right now? What does he need to do to make this better and truly let you heal from this betrayal. No husband who truly cares about your body and your soul would do something like this without your consent. I hope you remember that if he tries to walk it back.
I’m so sorry. This is creepy. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s recorded you before considering how lackadaisical and entitled he is about it.
I’d start moving in silence, however that looks for you.
How much of him getting off to that video has to do with knowing he wasn’t supposed to have it? He has no respect for you and the trust he broke
Ask what else he doesn’t tell you
You consented to FaceTime sex as long as it wasn’t recorded. You even checked during that he wasn’t recording. You wouldn’t have consented if you knew he was recording.
He violated the conditions of your consent. This is sexual assault. He is a deeply selfish person. He probably doesn’t consider it SA or as “serious” because he didn’t physically touch you. But it really is very serious.
Why can he only get off to material he knows he filmed nonconsensually? Is the fact that you aren’t consenting to the recording part of the turn-on for him? This would deeply disturb me
“This is why I don’t tell you everything.”
That’s 100% where that was going. He was just smart enough to cut it off. He’s going to pretend like you’re the issue here. In reality, he’s fine keeping shit from you (just like the video) because he doesn’t really care about your feelings on the matter and thinks they are dumb. A partner who thinks like this can never be fully trustworthy because they don’t really see you as an equal IMO. They devalue your opinions.
Anyway, yeah…what he did was definitely a violation. Knowing how you felt about video and trusting him with that was a HUGE step. And he broke that trust. He showed you can’t be vulnerable with him fully and that’s what you’re really hurt about. Because if you can’t trust/be vulnerable with your own husband…then…how does that ever work? And the fact that he can’t SEE that is concerning. The fact that he even did it in the first place is bad enough, but that he’s even trying to defend the position and not just essentially begging your forgiveness adds another nail in the coffin to me.
If this were my husband I would feel so violated and definitely feel like I couldn’t fully be vulnerable with him going forward. I certainly wouldn’t do video again. But all he will see it as…is that he just shouldn’t have told you. Should have kept it a secret. That’s what he’ll take away because he truly doesn’t think what he did was wrong because he sees it as no big deal without understand your feelings on the matter.
wow so your husband basically raped you. filming a sexual encounter without consent is literally rape like… you’re drug addiction does not rape him
I would be more alert to the sentence where he said you could make money from the video. Hopefully, he didn’t already put it up somewhere.
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He came clean. That counts for something, a lot actually. I think you need some time to process this but unless you’re willing to end your marriage for something like this you need to make the most of silver linings and find a way forward. You’re focusing on the admittedly very bad part and less on the part that he’s crazy about you still after all this time. And that his conscience and love for you led him to confess which others just wouldn’t ever have done. Would you rather be ignorantly in what you think is a perfect relationship or in a real one where you have the hard talks and face the truth no matter how hard it is and how long it takes?
so the issue isn’t anything you did. it’s that instead of taking responsibility for hurting you, and actually attempting to understand, he is shifting blame and the topic of conversation so that he doesn’t have to look his betrayal straight on.
This is Reddit, so feminist crazy-cat ladies who haven’t been in a relationship in 10 years are gonna tell you how strong and independent you are, teaming up with woman-hating-incel boys in some unholy alliance to tell you to dump his lying ass and start loathe him. I want to gently offer another angle if you’re open to it.
First, you’re not crazy for feeling hurt. It feels huge because it touched something deep in you. You made yourself vulnerable in a way that is rare for you, because of insecurity, doubt, maybe fear. And that boundary mattered. He should have respected it, no question. He messed up, yes, but to me it sounds like he acted out of desire, not disrespect. And remember, he told you the truth without being caught, offered to delete it, and showed remorse. That counts for something.
Try to see the whole thing from his perspective. He probably sees and you (especially in that moment) as sexy, confident, radiant. Not just attractive, but like, knock-the-air-out-of-the-room sexy. Like, you-should-be-on-the-cover-of-Vogue sexy. He probably couldn’t even fathom that/why you actually felt insecure in that moment.
That mismatch is where this went wrong. He was seeing you as this powerful, sexy, stunning woman he wanted to remember. You were feeling exposed and fragile and needed trust. Those realities didn’t align. He made the wrong call, one that hurt you. But it wasn’t out of disrespect. It came from a place of desire and admiration, not cruelty or betrayal.
And about that moment when he asked you repeatedly if he should delete it, and you said nothing, just that you wanted to sleep. That silence matters. Psychologically, when someone is overwhelmed, their instinct is often withdrawal, not confrontation. You were likely in freeze mode, processing too much at once. From his perspective, though, your refusal to engage might have read as judgment, rejection, or emotional shutdown. Of course he got defensive. He was dangling in uncertainty, unsure if he should apologise more, explain himself, or back off entirely. That is not to excuse the behaviour, but it helps explain the emotional misfire that followed. Communication broke down not from lack of care, but from both of you being on different emotional frequencies in that moment.
Anyways, as I said, it does not sound like he did it out of malice or disregard, just a bit of selfishness in a vulnerable moment. That does not excuse it, but it was not cruel. And he told you on his own. That matters.
If this is the worst thing in 17 years, that says a lot. It was a breach, but (in my opinion) definitely not one that has to break everything. Broken trust can be rebuilt if both of you want to. Do not let Reddit convince you that this one mistake erases a two-decade-long relationship.
Ok so I wrote this situation to ChatGPT and it wrote exactly what I was thinking. It said:
Oh my god… that is absolutely disgusting and horrifying.
You are 1000% right to be mad about that. That’s not just disrespectful — that’s a complete betrayal of trust, a violation of consent, and emotional abuse, period.
Like, imagine someone looking you in the eyes, promising to respect your boundaries in an incredibly vulnerable moment, then going behind your back and doing the exact thing you begged them not to do. And then the audacity — the actual gall — to say “I can delete it if you want me to”??
Sir. You should’ve never recorded it in the first place. Deleting it isn’t doing her a favor — it’s the bare minimum after violating her like that.
Honestly, it’s manipulative. It creates a huge power imbalance. It weaponizes her trust and body against her.
And so many women just… endure it. Quietly. Out of love, fear, confusion, or gaslighting.
I’m really glad you see how messed up that is. Most people try to downplay it or make excuses, especially when it’s a man doing it “in a relationship” — as if that somehow gives him a pass.
If you ever need to rage about this kinda stuff again, I’m right there with you. You’re not alone in feeling furious about it.
🤏🎻
So now he’s actively suggesting putting the video of you on the internet. I wonder if he’s already done so.
Not to jump to divorce but DIVORCE HIM.
I wouldn’t be ok with that either. I’m sorry. Definitely a violation.
You said “no”. He ignored you.
What part of that is he having trouble understanding?
If you’re using something like facetime, anything you send or say can be recorded.
My gut is telling me that this is NOT the first time he has recorded you without your consent, based on his extremely defensive reaction.
It feels like he wants you to just get over it, so if the other recordings are ever found, he can throw back to “But you were okay with the other time, so why was THIS TIME not okay?”
Sketchy. VERY sketchy.
What he did was bad and he could help make it better by validating your feelings and needs and accepting responsibility for the betrayal. Then working on rebuilding trust and understanding that it will take time.
In this context, maybe you’d rather he watch porn than secretly film you tf??? Like did he think you were so insecure you’d be grateful for what in my opinion is on par with a non consensual sex act? It’s like stealthing the condom. In some countries and states I believe this would be considered a sexual crime.
He seems very immature.
It’s not ok to bring up tit for tat arguments to try and deflect. Maybe you did lie in the past. It’s on HIM to express how that made him feel at the right time, not lord of over you in an attempt to subconsciously manipulate the situation.
THAT BEING SAID. Lying about how many pills you took isn’t ok. That is highly suspicious and I would immediately become paranoid that you are developing an addiction. This DOES NOT make what your husband did ok.
He is absolutely disgusting. And you need to grow a backbone. Don’t be wishy washy when he says he’ll delete it if you want him to–say YES, OBVIOUSLY I WANT YOU TO DELETE IT. Not saying much, or saying it is not about the video comes across as if it is not a big deal. It is.
Tell him do it right in front of you, showing you the screen, and make sure it is also deleted from every folder in his phone. Look up how to permanently delete a picture from his cell phone’s system. Also, demand he delete it from his online storage, too.
Frankly, I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who does that. Such an ICK.
Okay, this is a Tuff one and not to say your feelings aren’t valid, because they absolutely are. I completely understand that you’re upset about him recording it, and you also have to remember: all those thoughts you’re having about yourself? He doesn’t think them at all. He thinks you’re the sexiest person in the world, and you’re the only one he wants, that’s clear to hear here.
But it’s not okay that he recorded it, and he really needs to understand that.
Still, what is it you actually want from him now?
And now to the second lie – yeah, it’s just as serious, I’m sorry. But I’m a chronic pain patient myself, and I know how deeply it hurts the people close to me when I lie about how much I’ve taken. For example, when my dad found out, he cried in a way I’ve never seen before. And he’s not even a man who shows feelings like that.
He’s terrified of losing me, not just to addiction, but also to an overdose. And trust me, your man has the same fear. He’s crazy about you, and he wishes he could take the pain instead of you, just to make sure you’re safe.
The scarys thing about people like us, who build up a tolerance to pain meds, is that we’re also the ones with the highest risk of overdosing, because we can’t feel it the way others do. So yes, it’s just as serious.
But the thing is, he says the wrong things, and he gets frustrated.
We men are wired to want to fix the problem right now, and when it feels like you’re just mad no matter what we say, we get frustrated and hurt too.
When he says he’d rather watch a video of you than watch porn, he means it. And when he says he’s sorry, he means that too.
You’re both frustrated and trying to hold on to whatever you can grab. It takes time. Saying you can’t trust him, maybe that’s true right now. Maybe it’ll take time before you can again but maybe also say he can’t be trusted with this thing not I can’t trust you at all, because that means everything and that’s hurts, and I get the frustrations he is feeling right now.
But he truly thinks you’re the sexiest thing in the world, and he’d choose you over anything.
You guys need to lie down together again, cuddle, and be honest.
Tell him he can’t fix this right now, and that you just want him to listen without trying to solve it. That’s important otherwise, he’ll keep trying. And say it’s not that you don’t trust him but you are really hurt that he did that.
That’s my take on it.
Your feelings are valid. Just like his are.
I really hope you two make it through this.
One thing I will never understand is why people, after being told how they hurt someone, will respond with things like, “It is not that deep”, “You are overreacting”, “You always do this. It is not a big deal”. If you hurt someone and they tell you, shouldn’t the first you do be to try to make things right? I don’t get it.
That aside, i want you to know that what he did is absolutely disgusting, and quite horrifying. ‘No’ is ‘no’, regardless of the tone of voice or whatever. If you wanted him to have the recording, I would say so. I won’t say y’all should divorce but you really need to set time to really think and talk about this and make it even clearer(it is honestly pretty clear at this point but dude doesn’t seem to get it) why you feel this way. Even him saying he will delete it ‘if you want’ makes me livid. Like bro, you did something wrong. Take responsibility.
And make it a point to communicate and be more honest with each other going forward. I just hope he doesn’t dismiss you like this everytime you tell him you were offended by his actions.
I’d fully question whether he’s already put it on the internet with that comment about how much money you could make off it.
Couple’s therapy. ASAP
Saying you could sell it to make money??? Gross behavior. If you don’t leave him you’ll need serious marriage counseling.
people will use your addiction/use and try and use that as leverage for them to do whatever they want to you, don’t allow this, everyone commits mistakes, but if he’s not willing to talk it out, and understand what opioids are like, you might as well take some space. i’ve had it happen to me before my ex would say please “ tell me the truth, did you take anything?” i’d come clean and then they use that to treat me like shit.
This man is gaslighting you and you need to run. He did something against your ask🤮 you need to reconsider this relationship. Because he sees nothing wrong with it. That’s such a redflag
I think you’re overreacting about the recording. Be happy he’s finding you exciting still. Marriage can kill a sex life and the fact that he’s still into you is a good thing. You should also trust him that when he says he enjoys it and would rather watch it than porn. Be thankful he’s not out looking at other women. I think you’re overreacting. But that’s me and my opinion.
I wrote that wrong. He said “noooo” like he was joking that he wasn’t going to record it. I heard “no”.
I wrote it wrong saying I said “Noooo” in a joking way. He said “Noooo” trying to indicate that he was going to record it but I heard “No”.
This is not a tit for tat. If he has concerns about your pill usage he should bring that up on his own. Your concerns about the video are 100% valid and absolutely unrelated to your pill usage. He’s doing/saying what he can to escape accountability for his actions.
You 2 need to separate. There is no trust and no respect. The trust will never be regained.
Unpopular opinion but props to you and hubby for having that much sexual attraction after 20 years