It’s been almost 3 weeks. I was stalking his (M30) phone (I know it’s wrong…) when I read a very short convo he had with a girl he already talked to me about. He works in a bar and she was like an “extra” coworker, he already told me 1 month and a half ago that she was some kind of a “work crush”, he told me she was very flirty with him and he was receptive to this little flirt. I was ok with that, I think it’s totally ok to have attraction toward someone else when you’re engaged. It’s ok until you do something of this desire.
A few days after he told me that, I had to go in emergency to see my father who was litteraly dying (he had lung cancer) in another country. My husband joined me a few days after that. Then we went back after my father’s death.
The same week, I had some suspicions and decided to look in his phone (he seemed a bit upsed and touchy for no apparent reason). This is how I knew that he asked this girl for a date, he simply asked her if she was available to go out, the day right after I leaved. He also reacted to her story (he usually never click on stories). The girl said she wasn’t, she had a boyfriend…
Anyway, I talked to my husband right after this “discovery”, he was very sorry, and still is, he cried of guilt. It’s been almost 3 weeks and I still can’t forgive him. We had holidays programmed together but I canceled them. I don’t want to go out or do anything with him. I feel betrayed and hurt.
I know I don’t want to quit this relationship but I just don’t know what to do.
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It really doesn’t get any worse than trying to cheat on your wife while she’s comforting her dying father. I don’t know how you get past that. Plus this probably isn’t the first (or last) time. It’s the only time you’ve caught him.
What has he done to fix the situation besides cry? Is he in therapy? Has he cut off the woman at work? Is he looking for a new job?
Deplorable behavior. Deal with it by choosing yourself. You really don’t have to accept this transgression.
Everyone gets little crushes and attractions. But it’s entirely his choice to keep feeding that and giving it life instead of realizing what he is doing is wrong.
> Anyway, I talked to my husband right after this “discovery”, he was very sorry, and still is, he cried of guilt.
Whenever someone cries at being confronted for infidelity, my initial thought is to call bullshit. This doesn’t feel any different. It makes a decent show for those who believe it, and the good actors are almost convincing at times, but thinking better of those actions rarely happens in the moment, does it? If someone is really sobbing for remorse, how does that only occur when one is confronted? Feelings of guilt which only spring up when being called out don’t really feel genuine.
You feel betrayed because that’s what he has done. Husbands are not supposed to ask other women out on dates. Even if you do discuss ‘crushes’ on other people (not something I’d particularly like TBH).
Personally, there would be no getting over this for me. No way of staying with a man who sees an opportunity to cheat the minute you are away. And if she fancied him back, then he would have gone on a date with her. While you were visiting your sick father. No amount of crocodile tears would make up for it (Also why was he crying? Because he got caught? Because she rejected him? I doubt it was guilt). I don’t even think couples therapy would help in this situation. You deserve better.
Take some time away from him. Gather your thoughts. See a divorce lawyer without him knowing. Get one step ahead.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father. 💐
Divorce is what you do. He is a cheat and a liar. I bet if you pressed further there is more women
It sounds like you didn’t entirely trust him already. And now he’s given you a very solid reason not to.
He jumped at the chance to cheat on you. I would be worried next time I left him alone for a couple of days.
How long have you been together? If you think you’re able to get past this and trust him again, sure, give it a try. I’m not sure I would but some people do. But ask yourself this: would you feel the need to keep checking his phone? Do you really want to live like a warden, keeping him in line?
Youre husband is BREAKING VOWS and thats a lot. That means he has no honor and is a dishonorable man.
He asked out his “work crush” while you went to visit your dying father.
I’d hate to see what he would do if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness or dying in ICU…
Never forget – he wasn’t sorry until he was caught!!
He asked someone for a DATE while married. I couldn’t come back from that.
I hope you’re planning to end your marriage after this horrifying act of betrayal on your husband’s part. You were literally at your father’s deathbed and he was trying to pick up his coworker. Why on earth would you want to stay with a man who values you so little? You deserve better than this.
Hello. The problem is the woman whom he asked assumed that he was asking her to be his girlfriend. He was asking her to be his friend and have an outing, that he can talk to and have a drink of coffee with or what ever. Why did she automatically think “sex” really? Why can he not visit someone and talk to someone a co-worker who he had giggles and laughs with. I my self being direct would of said…… No, I have a wife and it is not about sex or being in a committed relationship and if it was for sex, I would of just asked you for sex. That it was just to play pool at the pool table and talk a bit. Now the Q is What if she did not have a boyfriend. Why would that matter if you have a boyfriend, right? Just because you have a boyfriend do not mean you can not go to that bar with a friend and play a pool game and head home after. I do not think his intentions was to be her boyfriend he wanted a friend for sure. He was rejected and that is why he was hurt/upset. The thing is now you know if he asks to be a friend with a woman the odds are the answer is no. The time is awful yes but in that moment he was tring to seek some happy moments to make his world a tad bit brigher.
There is disappointing you.
And then there is disappointing you at your lowest when your parents are dying.
One you really can’t come back from.
I feel for you, truly. It’s like a slap in the face when you’re down, ain’t it? But hey, at least he owned up to it.
Divorce
He tried to cheat on your while your father is dying. There’s better men out there. Considering the age gap… my may not know that but there are better people out there
He didn’t cry out of guilt. He cried because he was caught. He had no problem blaming you/being nasty to you because he was rejected by someone else.
He’s not ready to be married. He doesn’t value you. And he’s not the person you need in a crisis – he has proven that through his actions.
Let your father’s death be a final gift to you because it let you see this so-called “husband” for who he is.
What would your response be if this was a friend of yours who posted this?
I’m very sorry for your loss.
So all that “flirtation” was all in his head 🥴🥴🥴🤣🤣🤣 seriously divorce him. The moment you left to see your father he asked her out on a date…..this is grounds for divorce
” and I still can’t forgive him. “
You shouldn’t because honestly that is TRULY unforgivable in my book. In your time of need he made the choice to pursue another woman, THINK ABOUT THAT! Also how did this word “work crush” even become a thing? Did he tell you previously he had a “crush” on her? If so that was the red flag you needed right there IMO.
I’m so sorry about your father’s death. This must be a very difficult time for you, and just a horrible time to experience this kind of betrayal. Your husband is a terrible person, what kind of man cheats on his grieving wife? You deserve better than a man who chose to betray you instead of supporting you at such a hard time in your life.
Flirting is “doing something.” You should feel betrayed and hurt. I’d make him text this girl in front of you explaining how he feels like a shit person and husband for flirting and asking her out. That if he did that to the person he promised to live and cherish he probably eventually be shitty to her too.
>I was ok with that, I think it’s totally ok to have attraction toward someone else when you’re engaged. It’s ok until you do something of this desire.
He was already doing something of this desire when he said he was receptive of her flirting with him.
Not only he was planning on cheating on you, bout he also choose to do this while you were facing an extremely hard time with your father’s health situation. This is beyond disrespectful with you.
I wouldn’t be able to forgive this and I don’t think you should either.
My husband cheated on me while I was at my fathers funeral ( which he did not attend) it’s such a betrayal and says a lot about his morals and heart. Cut him loose and move on you’re too young to have a deal with this rubbish for the rest of your life.
It’s not a “work crush” he’s cheating on your and you are only 24 and deserve so much more
So, if she had said yes, he’d have taken her out. If she had been receptive, he’d have had sex with her. He absolutely would have cheated on you if this woman had been willing. So I feel like that tells you everything you ever need to know about him: cheating is something he’s ok doing. And given the opportunity, he will cheat on you. You won’t need a dad who’s dying. You might be in labor. You might be helping HIS sick mother. YOU might be sick. And guess what? If the opportunity exists, he will cheat because that’s who this man is. You can’t forgive him because you KNOW he’s a cheater and you can’t trust him. You can NEVER trust him. He is not worthy of your trust.
You know what you should do, but you end your post by saying you know you don’t want to end the relationship.
So your only choice is to continue knowing you’ll never fully trust him. A constant nagging feeling. Stress when he’s on his phone too much, late from work, has a quiet day, etc
Oh hell no. Came straight to the comments after only reading the title and I’m already furious. Divorce this muthafluffer.
Gonna read the body of the text now and come back and say some more stuff after. Prob’ly more words encouraging you to leave him. Hang on.
I’m back. He betrayed you hard. Didn’t care at all that you were off dealing with something huge and heartbreaking, nope, as soon as you were gone barely let the door hit you on the a$$ on your way out before he’s gone and set up a date once you’re out of town?!?! That is DOG behaviour. Who is this clown?🤡
He’s broken all trust and this is just gross. Have some self respect and please leave him. Let him cry those crocodile tears. A real man would have flown home with you and held your hand while your Dad died, and if he flew back before you, he’d be thinking of you with concern while you were apart, knowing it would be a real tough time for you. But that’s the opposite of what your husband did.
He’s only sorry cuz he got caught. He’s shown you who he is and where he’ll be in life when you need someone to have your back: NOT THERE. Unless that’s how you want the rest of your life to be, this relationship is over. You can’t fix this kind of character flaw in a man. He’ll always be a liar and a cheat. I’m so sorry OP.
The only reason he didn’t cheat is because he got rejected. Repeat that to yourself until you realize that:
he will likely end up cheating. He was WILLING to do so, the second you weren’t around. You had to leave for an EMERGENCY and instead of supporting you, he tried to cheat on you. What happens the next time you turn around?
you deserve better.
You are young. Do you want to waste your youth on someone who tried to cheat on you while your father was dying? Is that what you want for your life?
I would leave. He already tried cheating on you while you were tending to your dad. So basically he is willing to cheat on you anytime. If you’re already snooping through his phone then you already don’t trust him. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust. What little trust you guys had he just broke. Do you really want to be with him and look at him and wonder who he is txt this time everytime you see him on the phone? Or wonder who he is flirting and trying to ask out when he is out by himself? No one is good enough for you to mentally torture yourself over. I always tell my partner that I deserve to be his first and only choice. If another woman ever manages to get his attention then she can have him. I deserve better. I think you deserve better too.
You don’t have to stay with him.
He’s sorry he got caught. I’m sorry you’re so confused because if you don’t stop seeing him he eventually will cheat.
He’s cheating on you dude.
Crocodile tears after guilt mean nothing. He still did it. Give yourself time. If he wants to become a better person then he’ll start acting and behaving like a man. Otherwise he’s still a boy and you should move on.
Is this the man your father wants you to spend the rest of your life with? If he can abandon you in grief to cheat he will do far worse down the line. What if she said yes? Then he gets touchy with you bc he got rejected. This is infidelity at its worst. You may think today you do not want to leave, but you are allowed to change your mind. You will have a massive uphill battle to put in effort both sides to make this work. The pain is not going to stop here in just three weeks. It could take years, you may never get over it. If you stay, he should never stop being remorseful. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the scars he created.