I honestly at my breaking point and need an outside perspective. I traveled for a month, and my husband joined me for only two weeks. He came back a week before me, and when I returned home after a seven-hour flight, I walked into a total nightmare.
The house was dusty, clothes were everywhere even on the kitchen floor, there were dead silverfish all over the bath tub like literally full colony and not just in the bathtub, but also in the kitchen and the second bathroom. His suitcase was still open by the entrance. He didn’t even wipe or clean the toilets not even bought soap or tissues !
He came to pick me up and went back to work ( he works shifts ) but first thing he did when he greeted me was asking me to fold all the clothes ( four full laundry stacks) later, when he came back from work at 6 a.m., he asked why I hadn’t unpacked my suitcase yet!!!
I have a phobia of bugs and cannot function in a house that isn’t clean and is infested. I hadn’t even slept since arriving it’s 8am i arrived yesterday at 10pm!! because my whole body is itchy and can’t stop thinking about the bugs. I asked him to bring cleaners or accept help from his sister who offered, but he refused, saying it’s my responsibility.
I ended up threatening to go stay with my parents if the house isn’t cleaned properly, because I simply cannot stay in this environment.
I don’t know if i’m overreacting for refusing to clean in these conditions and insisting on professional help
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I could not live with a man who expects me to clean up after him like this. Is he actually helpless or just full of contempt for you?
Go stay at your parents house and hire a cleaning company bc no freaking way.
Next time you come back from a trip don’t go home have a hotel booked so at least you can rest in comfort first. Has he always been this messy? He sounds like a slob who won’t pull his weight around the house. Get a better husband!
Go to your parents
You married a slob? He made the house filthy and then expected you to clean it? Please tell me this is rage bait.
This has to be rage bait because I genuinely don’t want to believe women would stoop this low to marry a person like this
This would not fly with me. I wouldn’t clean it. It clearly shows what he thinks of you. That’s what is important here. Being an adult and cleaning up after himself is beneath him. But it’s not for you. I’d move out for a while and think if the relationship was worth it. Imagine having kids with him. Also you should be looking for a job if you don’t have one. If you have one never ever stop working.
Wow. So you managed to find and marry a man who hates you?
Well, if there aren’t any children, it’s not too late to move on from this person who hates your joy so much he prepared a dirty house to welcome you home.
How do you feel any sort of warmth of liking for such a person? Honestly, the idea of such a person in my life, let alone being tied to them, legally makes my skin crawl.
You cannot force anyone to do anything.
Don’t clean. If you can, stay with someone else. Take your important documents and belongings. Assume the rest will also be treated horribly.
Take photos of everything.
Every time he calls you and it isn’t to apologise and to tell you the house has been cleaned and set to right, look at the photo and tell yourself- that is how little he likes you, respects you and loves you.
Those dead silverfish is all you are worth to him.
Whatever words he says outside of that is simply to convince you that you and those dead silverfish belong in the same part of his heart and life.
We tidy up after our own messes. Looking after the house is separate from tidying up and cleaning up after ourselves.
Please do better. Imagine living alone. That would be better. A cat would be better. A dog, a roommate, a child. All would be better than this absolute tragedy of a husband.
So hateful and gross.
He stopped his sister from cleaning up after his mess because he wants to train you into being less than. His sister is too good to be his cleaner because he recognises it’s not her problem. But you? You don’t get that respect and consideration. Urgh, gross.
Also, he’s been living in that mess. Cultivating it. That attitude generally extends to every part of a person. Gross.
How long was he there alone while you were gone?
I’d go to your parents or a hotel until he fixes it.
This isn’t a man you should be in a “partnership” with. He’s not treating you as a partner, he’s treating you as a servant. That’s fucking disgusting.
Ughhh … literally reading this made my skin crawl and feel itchy. I effing hate silverfish so so very much. I would have taken 1 look and left. I highly recommend you do the same.
OP: PLEASE put your oxygen mask on first AND remember that the flight attendants say to do that before helping CHILDREN! They DO NOT advise ANYONE to put an oxygen mask onto a gross, misogynistic hoarder of insects.
If you do not have children, “your responsibility” is: YOUR OWN: physical, mental, psychological, spiritual, and emotional well-being. I can assure you with 100% confidence that NOTHING in the above list can or will be found in a house infested with silverfish!
What.A.Pig.
I’m sorry OP, I can only imagine the stress you must’ve felt when you arrived back at your home. Are you in contact with your MIL? Perhaps you could give her a call and invite her around to ask in front of your husband whose responsibility this should be, and perhaps she would like to pay for the cleaners since she raised this slob.
I appreciate going to your parents is not the best thing but without a proper clean and potentially contracted bug clearance you could be at risk in your home and of course there is a risk of spread as well.
His attitude towards this being your responsibility is frankly disgusting and no one would blame you for going scorched earth on him. Imagine what other people would think of this, and then look down on you instead of him, no no no…
Do you live in Afghanistan?
Tell him you’re not doing squat until he gets a pest exterminator in
I wouldn’t threaten staying with my parents…I would go and stay with my parents. That’s disgusting and he should be ashamed of himself.
How do you deal with it?? Turn around & stay elsewhere until he makes it right.
Honey, you’re only 25. That is disgusting. You do not have to put up with this man-baby nasty slob who has no respect for you or himself.
Older male here. I understand that there’s cultural differences in the world where women are expected to do cleaning more than a man, which i don’t support but noting this might be a factor of his bad attitude. Even if it is, they’d a bug infestation. How can a man who believes in women’s role is cleaning not “man up” when there’s a bug infestation? His ideals are contradicting, even if culture is a factor. Furthermore, any man of any culture that hasn’t unpacked a suitcase within a week of his trip is not fit for any relationship, I would not think. Personally I’d be unpacking my suitcase, putting away all items but not necessarily processing laundry straight away, cleaning the wheels of the suitcase, storing it away, all before having a shower or eating any food. Each to their own, but it sounds like you got comfortable in a relationship and fear separation because you don’t want to upset anyone. You should seek support from family and friends, or anyone that’s not trying to pressire you to stay with him. By the age of 30 I don’t think any man like that will change their ways, and he just hasn’t grown up to become a gentleman like most men do by this age.
Sorry to say but it doesn’t seem like your husband respects you or likes you.
Assuming that is your duty and not his is mind boggling.
I left for 1 week to visit my parents I and my husband stayed at home with the dogs, on my return the house was fine and organised, the dogs were fed and happy, all had to do was unpack and get laundry done. Because he cooked and cleaned after himself during that week. He did not expected for me to deal with his mess upon my return.
Why the fuck didn’t he clean it? Is he a little child? Why are with somebody like this?
Hire a cleaning crew
lol you’re 25 not 15. You shouldn’t need to ask Reddit about this
Tell him no
He is seeing how far he can push you. If you clean up (please don’t) this will show him that you are okay with his disgusting behaviour.
This man is disgusting. First, for the way he treats his home, and second for the way he treats you.
Sounds like he is an asshat and needs to change his attitude or you are going to leave him
Hell no your not overreacting……….I would ditch him pronto……..He’s no kind of husband. Who the hell is he to insist you clean that mess up??? So not a good situation there. I would go stay with your relatives and let him live in that squalor……Why did you even marry him???
Sounds like he wants a maid, not a wife.
I hope you are in a nice hotel taking a hot bath.
Has your husband always been such a jerk?
Silverfish don’t become a colony in 4 weeks. They have been there for years, maybe you never noticed before. You need an exterminator. And given what you’ve said expect to have them come back multiple times.
And there is a lot of prep work to do as well.
As for the real issue that your husband is a slob, nor. Why are you discussing with him whether cleaners or his sister can come?
Why is it only your responsibility and not his as well? Who says?
Life doesn’t have to be like this
Okay your husband doesn’t like or respect you. I’m sorry but you need to know this. He has more respect for his sister and her comfort when it comes to cleaning the pig pen, than his wife
Call orkin for the pest control. Hire cleaners. If he isn’t going to help then hire help. I would be overwhelmed coming home to that. Does he make you handle arranging all appointments.
I be so mad at him. Stay at your parents while this gets sorted. Keep talking to your SIL – she’s a good person.
Your husband is such an asshole, the disrespect is unbelievable.
Nothing new to add. I’m sorry.
Don’t get a cleaner get a divorce
Is this really what you want from a marriage?
This isn’t a husband, this is a pig.
A pig who actively stopped any assistance, so you would “have” to be the one to clean up his filth.
Why did his sister offer?
Is it because she was trained to be his servant before you?
What, exactly, does this lazy bum bring to the relationship? What does he provide that makes living with his bullshit worth it?
Is this really the anchor you want to tie the rest of your life too?
Honestly, I hope this is rage bait.
If it’s not, then I wish you the best of luck.
Pigs are not known for changing their thinking or behavior.
I think you know the answer. Leave and stay with your parents, dont threaten to do it. Tell him why and that you are not his servant.
This is unacceptable of him. If nothing changes, you can’t stay with him. Hes shown no respect for your joint house or for you. I travel a lot and managing that on return would be way too much for me. He isn’t even appreciating that you need time and space or that you need some care and attention when you’ve been traveling.
He doesnt sound like he cares enough about you tbh.
Is he testing you? Has he been referring to himself as a high value man recently?
I’d leave and give him one day to clean it. One. If he didn’t, I’d make it permanent. Don’t put up with this bs.
Idk my impression is he did it on purpose and this is some sort of punishment or power play. How long have you been married? You said you have a phobia of bugs—surely he knows this? It must have come up before, so him leaving all of those bugs there and letting it get that bad was a choice. Then him refusing cleaners or his sister’s help because it’s “your” house and “your” job to do, despite this being HIS mess… is a choice.
You mentioned seeing your parents every couple of months or so. Do you normally stay for a whole month? Or was this longer than usual? Does he normally not mind you being gone that long, or has he mentioned not liking it? Has anything happened lately that he could be mad at you for (justified or not)?
You mentioned him being messy but never disgusting before, and other people are (rightfully) commenting on how gross this was and that you don’t need to sleep there, etc… but I feel like these questions should be explored a little more because truly, everything that led up to this point was deliberate choice after deliberate choice that he wants you specifically to deal with. Again, I think it was on purpose as some sort of screwed up punishment or power play.
But whether he did it on purpose or is just a disgusting slob, both are bad, because that’s not how you treat someone you love. At the very least, it’s disrespectful, plain and simple.
Please do NOT help him clean this up, turn right around, and either go to your parents’ house or a hotel and then your parents as soon as you can for an extended stay—at least until you know your environment is properly cleaned, but I’d really be rethinking the relationship and looking for patterns that parallel this behavior.
Go stay with your parents and then have him served with divorce papers.
Leave to your parents
Hire a cleaner and bill him for it
Oh my god… I would absolutely lose my shit. And so should you honestly. This is grounds for divorce if this is how he behaves.
Whatever you do don’t clean that up. Go stay elsewhere because that’s also his house and you aren’t his maid contrary to what he believes smh.
I hope you don’t have kids yet. And please don’t. Imagine what this would look like if you did have kids with this man. You would have NO faith that this man would take care of any kids properly or you’d worry he’d leave them in squalor and neglect. Or maybe he wouldn’t “let” (or highly discourage) you travel if you had kids. Or after the divorce, he’d find a new step mommy who’d hate your kids but he needs a woman to take care of him and your kids and he wouldn’t be a present father.
And the fact his own sister volunteered? That’s a red flag. She is telling you he’s useless and he won’t even bother getting a professional in. It will ALL fall onto you.
What a jerk. Ugh. I don’t understand people (husband) behaving this way.
To me it’s not just the cleaning. It’s the utter lack of regard for your comfort. And that he’s perfectly content watching you work your fingers to the bone cleaning up after him. How is this the type of relationship you want to be in? Why is this enough for you?
Anyone who would do this to another person is demonstrating pure contempt for that person.
Please leave this relationship. This is bordering on abuse. And I’d bet a lot of money that it’s not the first time he’s done something like this to you.
I don’t know what silverfish are or how your house would be filled with them but this is really gross. Your husband is lazy and disgusting for not keeping your home clean.
So he really loves and respects you, huh?
Go to your parents and don’t return back into the house is completely spotless.
You’re being punished for prioritizing yourself and going off on your travels.
Go to your parents and sleep.
WTF?!
Firstly, it is not ‘your’ (singular) responsibility. It’s ‘your’ (plural) responsibility. A shared home is a shared responsibility and that includes tasks such as cleaning.
Secondly, he is not an adult. Adults don’t live in their own filth with no shame waiting until someone else cleans it up. You are not a partner. You are a maid.
Go and stay with your parents. Have a good rest and when you are refreshed, have a good look at your relationship and living situation. Is it really what you think it is?
Man, my ex wife never cleaned and she didnt even work for 6 out the 7 years we were together
Yes, get professional help – a divorce attorney. This thing that you are legally tied do doesn’t like you (never mind love you), otherwise he would have never let this happened or at the very least accepted the help offered by his sister.
Pay for a cleaner yourself
Wtaf, I would be losing my mind as well. Expecting you to return home and immediately clean after him is outrageous. I think you should go stay with family until he sorts his mess out. A serious conversation needs to happen around his behaviour here. You are not his personal maid.
Go stay with your parents. You don’t deserve this. He can clean up the mess he left in the house. Tell him you can’t live in his filth.
This will be your whole life and it will only get worse if you have kids with this man. Now this means if he won’t clean when you’re gone you’ll never leave again.
I knew someone like this. Wife goes away and husband spills coffee on the table… what does he do? Takes the newspaper and covers it and then just leaves it and expects his wife will clean it up when she gets home. It’s lazy and stupid
I was done after I read that you came back off holiday and you were asked to clean. Fuck the volume of it all, fuck the silverfish, fuck any of the nasty shit (thats already bad enough).. but you came home from a holiday, and his first thought was “she can do all of this”.
Come on. You deserve better
How are you not embarrassed to type this out??????? Dear LORD
You’ve enabled this.
What a shitty thing to do. He treats you this way? And you’re STILL married to him?
Go stay with Mom until it IS cleaned.
And tell him , “this literally better NEVER happen again”.
Not overreacting.
You’re not a maid. I’d bet the house was clean when you left, he needs to put it back as it was when you left.
Go to your parents and do not return until this pig has cleaned up after himself. I personally wouldn’t return at all.
He sounds disgusting.
His lack of respect for your shared environment and also your time reflects how he feels about your relationship.
If I EVER found out my son treated his wife this way, he would be begging for a new pair of ears when I was done chewing his off his big dumb head.
Idk if y’all have kids, but think about if your daughter, sister, mother or friend were treated this way. What would you want for them? Treat yourself like you would someone else you care about. Talk to yourself like you would to them. You’ll know what you should do. Which is tell him to shove those clothes alllll the way up his ass until he can taste the fabric softener.
leave this scumbag
Fucking leave
….the fuck???
Go to a hotel, and tell him to hire a cleaner. You’ll come back when it’s sorted.
i’d check into a hotel and tell him to handle it. he can clean it himself or hire it out – his problem
how does someone make a house this dirty in one week?
Why are you still there? Just go! And talk to a lawyer because your husband hates you.
How does a house get infested in a week? Hell even in a month. Did you guys clean the house and put food and rubbish out before the trip? Anyway he’s just like that btw so it’s up to you to keep staying in this relationship or not. People don’t change.