Two days ago my husband (M51) told me that he’s no longer attracted to me (F47). We’ve been together 30 years. I admit my appearance changed from years ago. Due to a number of health issues, it’s been a long road back to health. I’ve lost 60lbs and working to lose more.
It came to a head because he reacted strangely when I came out of the bedroom after a nap. I caught a glimpse of a love scene before he shut down the tab and mumbled something. Before this we’ve communicated well our needs and wants. He was never shy about sexual before.
I asked him why he was hiding. He told me he just needed relief and watching videos. When I asked why he didn’t initiate anything with me, he stumbled a bit and then confessed he’s not attracted me even though he loves me dearly.
I’m heartbroken and at a loss. I’m making good strides in bettering myself, but this has knocked the wind out of me. How do I navigate this when looking at him makes me break? I’m really lost as to what to do now.
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Long-term relationships often require reinventing attraction, not just relying on its initial spark. If he’s not willing to do that work, the issue isn’t your body it’s his mindset.
Right now, prioritize your healing. However this unfolds, you deserve love that makes you feel seen and cherished not shattered.
Double down or get out. Take your time to decide, probably good to include a therapist.
Tell him to cut out the porn. He’s 51 as well. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t look like mid 20 as well.
I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Unfortunately, people can’t really help what they’re attracted to. You don’t mention what kind of shape he’s in so I can’t comment there. But you say you’ve lost 60lbs and are trying to lose more.
I’m your age and 5’6 and in perimenopause. I am about 10-15 lbs over my ideal (for me) weight and it’s stubborn with all these hormone changes. I eat well, I exercise regularly, but I’m stuck here and I hate it.
If I were 60+ lbs over my ideal, I wouldn’t look like me at all. I’m sure my partner would still love me but I’m not so sure he’d be sexually attracted either. He’s no gym rat and has a few extra lbs too over the years but 60+ lbs more and I don’t think I’d be attracted to him either.
You get to feel hurt. But I would focus on figuring out what you can do or what you need to get to a place where you feel good and confident in your body and if he’s still not interested? Leave him and find someone who is.
Couples therapy
Please IGNORE any defensive posts such as, “he’s no good” and “he should love you like you are” posts, because this isn’t about that.
Over time attraction triggers can and do change. If you look at him, there’s a good chance something may have changed about him physically that you may not like also (keep that to yourself for now, don’t start a fight).
The truth is him watching any porn will do more harm than good if he feels he has to hide it. It will make it even HARDER for him to be stimulated by “regular” things. The easiest way to prevent him from retracting into his shell without him going defense if to say something like,” well let me see what you watch, maybe we’ll try it?” As long as you’re okay with that, of course.
You said you were working on yourself; if that is gym related, then Maybe you both can work out together.
I don’t think he wants to offend you from the sound of it, but if you let this ride, it won’t get any better.