Hey Reddit,
I need to get this off my chest because I feel like I’m drowning in guilt for simply protecting my space and sanity.
Call me Leah (30) f. My husband Daniel (33) m (not real names) and I have been married for just two years. When he brought up the idea of moving his mother and pregnant sister into our home, he did ask me if I was okay with it. I said clearly, “No, I’m not comfortable with that.” He moved them in anyway.
His reasoning? His sister was having a rough pregnancy. His mom needed space. And although his mom had a house her own, he claimed this was the best solution. Because she wanted more space to grow her grandchild. It wasn’t.
From the moment they moved in, I felt like a stranger in my own home. His sister would do all sorts of unsavory things like walking around naked in my house. I spoke to her about these things a couple of times , nothing changed.
I kept quiet at first, trying to be understanding, but the pressure built up. I finally said how I felt—calmly, respectfully and he flipped it on me. Said I lacked “humanness.” That I should’ve been more understanding. That his mother was more comfortable with us. That I was ruining his peace.
Eventually, after our home became tense and miserable, he told them to leave. He moved them out after things reached a breaking point for me. And now? I think he might resent me , he says that he loves me and wants the marriage but I am struggling. Because I cant believe how he treated me because I didn’t support him blindly and want husband mom and sister and our baby to live with us indefinitely.
And here’s where it gets more twisted: Not long after this, I discovered messages suggesting he had an emotional affair between him and a female friend of ours. When I confronted him, he said it was all a “set-up” to test my reaction, that he planted the conversation on purpose. I don’t believe that. I think he got caught and panicked. But somehow, I’m still the one in the wrong?
But what was I supposed to do? Pretend I was fine when I wasn’t? Smile while being pushed aside in my own marriage? Accept everything just to avoid being called selfish?
Now I’m stuck questioning everything. Was it wrong to set boundaries? Am I supposed to carry his family just to prove my love? Why does he get to hurt me and still play the victim?
I want to believe marriage is still sacred. But right now, I am so confused.
Any advice? AITA?
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Striking_Deer_3106:
Hey Reddit,
I need to get this off my chest because I feel like I’m drowning in guilt for simply protecting my space and sanity.
Call me Leah (30) f. My husband Daniel (33) m (not real names) and I have been married for just two years. When he brought up the idea of moving his mother and pregnant sister into our home, he did ask me if I was okay with it. I said clearly, “No, I’m not comfortable with that.” He moved them in anyway.
His reasoning? His sister was having a rough pregnancy. His mom needed space. And although his mom had a house her own, he claimed this was the best solution. Because she wanted more space to grow her grandchild. It wasn’t.
From the moment they moved in, I felt like a stranger in my own home. His sister would do all sorts of unsavory things like walking around naked in my house. I spoke to her about these things a couple of times , nothing changed.
I kept quiet at first, trying to be understanding, but the pressure built up. I finally said how I felt—calmly, respectfully and he flipped it on me. Said I lacked “humanness.” That I should’ve been more understanding. That his mother was more comfortable with us. That I was ruining his peace.
Eventually, after our home became tense and miserable, he told them to leave. He moved them out after things reached a breaking point for me. And now? I think he might resent me , he says that he loves me and wants the marriage but I am struggling. Because I cant believe how he treated me because I didn’t support him blindly and want husband mom and sister and our baby to live with us indefinitely.
And here’s where it gets more twisted: Not long after this, I discovered messages suggesting he had an emotional affair between him and a female friend of ours. When I confronted him, he said it was all a “set-up” to test my reaction, that he planted the conversation on purpose. I don’t believe that. I think he got caught and panicked. But somehow, I’m still the one in the wrong?
But what was I supposed to do? Pretend I was fine when I wasn’t? Smile while being pushed aside in my own marriage? Accept everything just to avoid being called selfish?
Now I’m stuck questioning everything. Was it wrong to set boundaries? Am I supposed to carry his family just to prove my love? Why does he get to hurt me and still play the victim?
I want to believe marriage is still sacred. But right now, I am so confused.
Any advice? AITA?
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NTA… he sounds fake as hell, do you really want to live your life with him? I suggest actual couples therapy if you want to try to make it work but otherwise this is a sinking ship…
ESH – y’all need counseling
NTA – seems like everyone sucks here except you. An emotional affair, naked relatives walking around, a lack of communication and blatant lack of respecting boundaries – so many red flags. Is there anything GOOD in the relationship? Have you suggested therapy?
YTA for staying with a loser who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. This man is clearly lying to you and the fact hubby allowed his family to move in when you said no shows how much HE doesn’t care about your marriage. Imagine if you had children!!
You need to dump hubby asap. The fact he has you questioning yourself also shows how he’s successfully gaslighting you. Get rid of him! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
And let’s talk about that emotional affair setup what is this, a reality show twist. He really thought he could pull off the ultimate plot twist and blame it on you. If only he’d put that much effort into listening to you in the first place.
(English isn’t my first language; sorry for any mistakes 🇧🇷)
You know what to do: divorce, baby. Divorce. He doesn’t really love you because everyone in his life is above you, even when you show your irritation. He’s a jerk who blows up at you, uses you, and doesn’t care about you. He’s quick to complain and gaslight you when you disagree, but incapable of apologizing or giving you the slightest respect?
Honestly, we can see that this family is no good; they’re all the same. But, even if there was a good solution despite his sister and mother after they were kicked out, the last situation is what kills any chance of you two getting along: he cheated on you. It wasn’t a test (even if it was, screw it), IT WAS CHEATING.
You’re kidding yourself if you think this Reddit post is going to say “oh, relax, give it a chance.” You KNOW what the consensus will be and what you should do.
This man doesn’t love you. If you love yourself, get out of this.
You need to leave your disrespectful lying cheater of a husband. He doesn’t care about you and you are just wasting your time with him.
Not the AH, but your post has all the earmarks of AI.
NTA. I would not try to save this marriage. I’d divorce his cheating, disrespectful ass.
NTA- Literally everyone in this story is walking all over you. IDK where you picked up the notion that you can’t, but you’re allowed to take up space! You’re allowed to make noise, and you aren’t responsible for keeping peace. What you want matters just as much as what everyone else wants. Stop letting your husband treat you like a doormat! He keeps treating you like this because you let him. He’s learning that he can take more and more and you won’t do anything. You need to set boundaries and have a lot of conversations if you want to continue, but I wouldn’t blame you for seeking divorce.
NTA, he broke your peace, he doesn’t respect you. Don’t say a thing and get a lawyer, get your stuff ready and toss him.
Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. He does what he wants even though it makes you uncomfortable, but it’s your fault when you set boundaries?
Then there’s the emotional affair, which makes me wonder if it’s more than that.
If he can cross your boundaries like this now, how much more will he continue to do? You need to think about whether or not you need to try couples counseling or walking away altogether. If you bring up couples counseling and he says he doesn’t need it but you go ahead and get help, walk away. He’s unwilling to change because he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong.
Don’t worry about the “ marriage is sacred” thing. This is no marriage.
he said it was all a “set-up” to test my reaction, that he planted the conversation on purpose.
The cheater set up the test?
HAHAHAHAHAHA! What a dipshit.
Leave that asshole. None of this is normal. It’s not healthy.
YTA if you stay
Do yourself a favor and leave this shill of a man. He sounds like a walking red pill.
NTA for attempting to set boundaries. But honestly you should have packed a bag and left as soon as he moved them into your home after you said no. He doesn’t respect you.
This marriage is a farce. He is manipulative and immature and lying about the affair. Dump him and his sorry, disrespectful family. You deserve way better. What else is he lying about?????
NTA, you got duped by a guy who wants his mommy underfoot and likes seeing his naked pregnant sister parading around. Holy Hub Batman!
Anyway. This is a losing proposition.
Marriage is not “sacred”, it’s a business contract essentially to preserve property/inheritance rights.
If you’re determined to try to work this out, therapy – both couples and individual – needs to be the thing you do first thing Monday. If he refuses, you have your answer.
I think you dumping him will be best for your long term mental health and peace.
There are much worse things than being single, like having an overgrown mama’s boy for a husband.
Dump. This. Guy.
Get rid of this man. He is worthless to you.
NTA.
Can’t be an asshole if you’re a doormat. Grow a spine and humanness for your own benefit and future happiness
Updateme
I don’t understand why he even got married. His extended family is his priority. Cheating and lying is his character. On top of that, he lacks maturity. I don’t see how your marriage can survive but get a lawyer and a therapist so that you come out healthy and safe.
NTA, but time to go.
NTA. Nobody ever just “tests” their spouse, I am certain he is cheating. Also, it isn’t just his home, it is yours too. He shouldn’t act like he can do whatever he wants without your consent. You had a right to feel uncomfortable by this.
gee sounds kinda fakey !
NTA – its not sacred when you married the wrong man who has only showed his true colors after you married him. He doesn’t respect you and is gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem. He’s a manipulative assh*le. You need to put yourself first and get the hell out of there. It won’t get better.
YTA for staying married to this lying POS.
NTA, you have been manipulated into the belief that this is your fault. But it is not. Your husband is a selfish AH and it is difficult for me to see how you 2 can proceed from here. I hope you have the economy to go your own way.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Most people who post asking for advice know what to do but want people to tell them otherwise. Marriage is only sacred if both people treat it as such. Do you remember his wedding vows? Has he kept them? If the answer is no, you know what to do. NTA
Please do yourself a favor, get a divorce.
You’re not wrong for setting boundaries—everyone deserves respect in their own home. When someone flips the script and makes you question your reality, that’s a huge red flag. If he’s not willing to take responsibility or work on things (like real therapy, not just empty promises), you’re right to question if this marriage is worth saving. Protect your peace—it’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
Even if it was to test your reaction your reaction should be divorced. NTA.
Honey, no.
He does not find your marriage sacred. He doesn’t care about you. He might love you, but he doesn’t like you. He sees you as not a human in a partnership but someone he just owns like a piece of furniture in his house.
He got caught this time. If it was a ‘test’ like he claimed then why is he testing you? Like he didn’t just put you through hell by moving his sister, baby and mom in after you said no?
If you have the means to leave, this isn’t going to get better. He’s just going to get better at hiding his affairs.
Very weird family that they would all move in when his mom has a perfectly fine house. Sounds very incesty
NTA Your husband doesn’t respect you or your feelings. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner otherwise he never would have moved in his family. The question is why do you want to continue a marriage with some who care so little about you?
You asked two questions: AITA? and Any Advice? For the first, NTA. For the second, yes, I have advice—DO NOT have children with this man. Make a plan. Move out. The sister’s child will be the primary focus for everyone, your husband included. This is the legacy of an adult golden child (sister). Husband will not fix this with the status quo and will blame you forever.
Marriage is only sacred if you both treat it that way. He didn’t. If you don’t leave then yes, YTA. You need some self respect.
NTA – Let him live with his family and look for a better partner who will respect and love you.
Which one of you has the greatest legal claim on the home? Because that’s the person who stays. The other one goes.
Yta for not moving out immediately.
Tell him that friend is now out of your lives forever and he has lost all privileges to invite anyone over. Let him know you ll be confronting the female friend and embarrassing them to the friend group.
Let him know he’s not a leader but a follower. There isn’t a decision he can make now where you don’t make the final choice. His judgement got you to this spot.
Tell everyone including his family about the affair they helped him hide.
You have to leave this man or continue to be a doormat. He’s having an emotional affair and you end up thinking that you did something wrong. Please don’t let him continue to do this to you.
Your husband is a master manipulator and he’s got you so gaslit into believing you’re the problem when he clearly doesn’t give two 💩s about you. The whole ruining his peace said it all. Notice how he only mentioned himself? When do you and your feelings matter? This is your marriage and your home. Your home is your sanctuary and he took that away without blinking an eye.
Tbh, I can’t see you staying and putting up with this man and his behavior for the next 10, 15 or even 20 years. Can you???
Read this ebook. It helps countless women identify and understand their abusive relationships. WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
If he wants to live with his mother and sister, he should. I bet they would be happy to make room for him. I think he moved them in to distract you.
YTA For not kicking that man to the curb where he belongs. Why would you allow this treatment to go on for so long and then he’s having an affair, even if it’s an emotional affair with another woman and you actually stayed??? go talk to a lawyer and serve him up those divorce papers. I know it’s not easy. But you will be so much happier once that asshole is out of your life.
It’s never going to get better. Never. Testing your reaction?? What a crock of shit! What’s he going to say when you catch him sleeping with someone? It’s your fault because you made him kick his mom out? Seriously, what are you doing with this loser? You deserve better. He has zero respect for you and he doesn’t love you. Testing you is not love. You’re the AH if you stay with him.
YTA. Nah, you are not stuck! Leave him!
I wonder if he moved mom and sis in to get her to leave so he could be with his emotional affair partner?
You weren’t wrong to set boundaries and to express how you felt.
However, you are very much TA for staying with a gaslighting, emotionally abusive ass. He’s put out more red flags than all the May Day parades ever held in Moscow, please notice them and run before he totally destroys your self esteem and mental health. He’s already got you starting to question it, so time is not on your side here. Leave him and his toxicity far, far behind.
You are the victim here. You are also victimizing yourself by allowing these things to happen to you. To be fair, he’s clearly really good at playing mind games to control you. He’s done terrible things to you and yet here you are wondering if you’re overreacting and Confused. I’m sure there’s great things about him, they’re also great things about Ted Bundy, so many people were shocked that he was a serial killer. They never expected it to be him.
Why am I saying this to you, because I want you to understand that just because partner may have good qualities in nice qualities, does not mean that you negate the Terrible Things They have done to you. I can only guess that the reason you keep on fighting for this relationship is because you love him. Love yourself more.
All I’m going to say is that if I was going to do some type of a setup to test someone, and let me be clear someone even creating a test for me would be a deal breaker because what the actual f, but if I were to set up a trap at the same time I initiated this conversation I would send something time stamped to prove that I’m setting up a test. An email to myself perhaps where the dates are clearly visible of I’m having doubts about my partner her friend and I are in on the same idea and this is what we’re going to do but he didn’t do any of that. Come on we know he’s lying here.
If you don’t have children what’s tying you here? He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you. I understand the empathy towards his sister but they didn’t seem to treat you with any respect or have any gratitude to the fact that it was your home. And you’re right he’s probably going to resent you whether it’s fair or not.
NAH but you would be if you continue to allow that disrespect to yourself 🫂
fuck that. He sounds like more hassle than reward.
He obviously doesn’t care about you enough to put you first! I would divorce so quickly if this happened to me
Holy shit. I read the title, and my first random thought was “ask him how you’re supposed to do naked weekends if they come!”
Fool that I am, I see now that his pregnant sister put herself in charge of providing the nudity!
I do agree with him about something, though. I agree you are ruining his peace (I jest), so I think you should cop to that flagrant faux pas and drop him and his things at his mom’s house, right after you tell the insufferable AH that he failed your test for a decent man, let alone husband.
Wish him well with his new boo.
YTA
At some point, we are responsible for our own situation.
He asked you about a life changing decision and then disregarded your opinion. You stayed.
You were brushed aside after speaking to your inlaws about comforts in your own home. You stayed.
You found evidence of an affair on his phone. You stayed.
And this is only the shit we know about. At some point you have to take accountability for the direction your life is heading in.
Leave him, it won’t get better he doesn’t respect you or love you like you deserve. Leave before you have kids and have to be forever connected by them
NTA
In typical reddit fashion I must now say
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
LEAVE HIM
JUST LEAVE
DIVORCE NOW
NTA for feeling the way you feel.
You become an AH if you don’t divorce his man. Is this really the love you think you deserve? You deserve this disrespect from your partner? You deserve to be miserable and question everything your partner does for the rest of your life?
Grow a spine and put yourself & your own happiness first. Your first puts himself first cause he clearly doesn’t give a shit about you.
Marriage is sacred when you’re with the right partner. It’s only going to get worse and you’ll continue to be miserable.
I’m not sure which husband I’d leave fastest, the one who cheats or the one so pathetic he can’t even successfully cheat?
I think the one no one wants is probs getting dumped first.
NTA. A successful marriage requires boundaries on both sides. Your husband clearly doesn’t respect your happiness, and values his own, his sister’s, and his mom’s over yours. Now, a potential emotional affair? It’s time to give up on your marriage. It doesn’t sound like your husband can be trusted. Once you lose trust in someone, it rarely comes back. If your finances permit it, I’d call it quits.
I wouldn’t put it past him to have a full on affair because OP didn’t have much of a reaction to the emotional cheating.
What country is this happening in? You need to pick up your belongings and bounce.
This has to be fake. His pregnant sister walks around naked? And his mother needs “space” from her own home?
Please stop with these crazy stories
Girl, you tripping. YTA.
Guy sounds great. His mom should live with you and you should feel privileged about it.
And when your husband goes out for hours to his lady friend, don’t get paranoid.
Oh god I was in something similar to yours, … several times, but sooner or later you have to step up, and end this, or you will end up very bad, in every way. I tell you from experience,
as the Amityville Horror house would tell you “GET OUT!”
Get a divorce. Your husband doesn’t like or love you
Leah, I have been with my husband for 25 years married for almost 22 years. We took a small break when I got back from Iraq to relearn each other and have been together ever since. Just some background knowledge on me for where my advice is coming from.
I think you should sit down with your husband put a candle on the table (candles absorb negative energy) sit across from each other. Have a list of things you want to talk about and share with him (everything you want to get off your chest) don’t yell this is just talking. Address one item at a time and watch his facial expressions and listen to his response. They should be how you can work on these and move pass them, this not accusing each other this is a problem solving exercise. If you two come up with plans that are acceptable to you then you should stay and work on them and your marriage if not, you have your answer to move on.
My husband and I each have password protected phones but we both know the password of each other’s phone. We have nothing to hide from each other. I don’t know if this is a solution for the women Daniel is texting but it could be a start. If they are just friends then he should not mind you having his access to his phone at any given moment to see what he texts not saying you shouldn’t trust him but if there is reason to be concerned then maybe this would help.
Marriage is hard work. There is no magic answer to fix problems and there is no “how to box” but with patience and determination on both sides a marriage can last a lifetime.
You are not TAH bc you want a marriage between you and your partner wo his family in your home (had they about to be homeless or something like that then yeah maybe but that wasn’t the case). Good luck with your relationship.
Your husband obviously doesn’t care what you think. Why do you choose to stay? There is nothing sacred about your marriage. If you stay, that is entirely on you. I can’t imagine why you would.