Hello, me (24F) and husband (36M) have been married for two years. I don’t know what came over him, but last week he yelled at me for not picking up his mom’s call. I was in the kitchen at the time washing rice and I genuinely didn’t hear the call. My husband was in the washroom so he didn’t hear it either. She called him three times. Later when he saw the call he got mad at me since I was in the kitchen, so I could’ve easily picked up the phone that was in the living room. I really would’ve done that if I actually heard it. But he said I was making up excuses and if some speaker was in my ears for me to not hear the ringing.
Honestly whenever I wash rice, the noise of the water coming through the tap is just so loud. Even if someone were to tell me something standing close, I wouldn’t hear half of it. But he didn’t believe it and just kept getting louder. He said I’m disrespecting his mom. He said I need to pay more attention to my surroundings and not have my head in some imaginary world.
I was already upset because of how loudly he was speaking to me, so I raised my voice too and asked why he didn’t just take his phone with him to the washroom. But out of nowhere he just raised his hands at me and I’m not even kidding he said “Shut your mouth.” He’s never said that to me before so I was beyond taken aback. And then he said he regrets marrying me.
We haven’t spoken to each other over the week. He’s ignoring me. I was expecting a sorry but he is acting as if I don’t live in the same house. Now I don’t even know if he means what he said or if I did something wrong or if I should just apologize. Right now, my thoughts keep circling back to him saying he regrets marrying me, so I was considering a divorce. I haven’t told my parents what happened but I did call my friend and cry for a while. She said that was rude of him but it’s better to not make it into a huge issue like divorce. AITAH? What do I do now?
Comments
NTA, get out of that house now
Make a quick game plan and leave when it’s safe to do so. Don’t go back. This display of anger absolutely will escalate.
NTA. Your husband has threatened you with violence. Don’t stick around long enough for him to make good on that threat. Pack all your essential documents and get out as soon as you can.
The age gap is a big clue but ultimately it comes down to this…the mask has come off. That he got THIS upset over a phone call and threatened and menaced you? Hell no. There is NO coming back from that. If you stay, it will escalate. I can promise you that. Please please just leave. Get a divorce. You are so young and you don’t deserve to live like this.
NTA, trust your instinct before it gets worse
Big age gap, power dynamic, bullying.
If you’re even considering that you’re at all in the wrong then he’s already gotten to you. Get some help before he escalates things further. Shouting and threatening your wife isn’t normal behavior. You’ve married a child with anger problems.
And ignore your friend. They gave you awful advice.
Sounds like divorce to me
Move out immediately. Sounds like he’s mad at himself for something he did but is taking it out on you. His reaction is absurd.
Threat of violence is violence. I would divorce and never look back. Sorry, but I have a very low tolerance for this type of spousal abuse.
NTA. your husband sounds like a ridiculous person.
NTA. I grew up with this behavior. It doesn’t get better. Get out, make sure you’re able to support yourself before you make the move, and move somewhere safe (your parent’s house) before you tell him. Make sure your loved ones know he is not to be welcomed in their homes.
Bro do you wanna stick around and see the end of that story a year from now when he doesn’t stop himself? Go with your gut instinct
Tell your parents.Huge red flag Get out now
RUNNNNNN
NTA and that’s not your friend. Get out now.
NTA, sometimes when we’re very upset, we can threaten divorce in the heat of a moment and it doesn’t mean anything. I’m not so concerned with the fact that he said he wants a divorce, but I’m concerned that such a small thing is what made him considerate… Also that he would raise his hands at you and tell you to shut up is very concerning. I think it’s only gonna get worse.
He sounds dangerous, unstable, deranged. Please protect yourself and leave. Next time he will hit you.
NTA, guy sounds like one though. I’d be leaving if I were you.
I’d divorce now. You’re so young and can start over no problem. Doesn’t sound like you have kids yet. I’d get out right now. Like tomorrow file papers. Disrespecting his mom? Shut your mouth? Like, wtf. And then giving you the silent treatment. This is all bad bad. Like real bad. Not just “kinda rude”
Not even going to read the post. You’re NTA.
He showed you who he is. Please leave
NTA it always starts small and never usually ends with just one time. He showed you who he was and how he felt. Believe him.
Only this guy sounds like a total fuckhole, if he regrets marrying you then get out, you’ll be the winner in the long run.
Absolute fanny taking it out on you that he can’t keep track of his own phone, is he 36 years or 36 months?
Fuck your friend! What do they mean “not make it a big issues” he’s showing you the kind of man he is! RUN.
Leave and get an annulment. With the age difference and you are only 2 years into marriage he might not have married you for love.
Divorce him, or it’s going to turn into kill or be killed. Let him have his regrets while you move on. Fuck him and his raggedy ass mama.
You ditch that idiot of a friend, for a start!
Did he raise his hands like he was going to hit you? Or threw his hands up out of frustration?
Either way the comment about regretting marrying you would have me talking to divorce attorneys ESPECIALLY if kids aren’t involved!
NTA, you’re not alone in this and it’s okay to feel scared… but remember, no one deserves to be spoken to like that, take control of your life because you are stronger than you think and you deserve better.
Married since you were 22 and he was 34, how young were you when you started dating? He sounds like he probably groomed you
NTA. Even if you’d heard the phone, you were busy. Was the call even important?? No one ever HAS to answer a phone. Voicemail exists for a reason.
Your husband sounds potentially dangerous and at the very least he’s incredibly demanding and unreasonable. Is this the life you want?
NTA. Shouting is abuse. Physical violence is abuse. His words are abusive. Him not talking to you and ignoring you is abuse. Get divorce ASAP while you are not pregnant and have kids.
NTA you might not want to wait until he actually hits you. He is going to. I suspect that he realized he hasn’t sufficiently cowed you yet. HE is abusive and manipulative and you deserve better. I would talk to a lawyer
Way too serious a problem for this fun but frivolous sub.
I have only one comment: Tell your close friends and family. Tell. Them. Now.
Omg, just leave him. He doesnt love you.
It’s over
Pack your shit and leave and don’t look back. I’m fucking serious
Leave him now and don’t give a shit about him
NTA. Do not apologize. He needs to apologize. Fucking childish asshole. His narrative and Logic are toxic 5 year old boy logic. Infuriating that he thinks he can get away with yelling it into reality.
Deeply flawed human. As soon as he said he regrets marrying you, you should have let him have it both barrels. You do not owe him apology.
Anything short of complete apology and groveling from him should be responded to with divorce papers. lying, gas lighting mother fucker.
Your Friend sounds like an ASSHOLE for telling you not to think about divorce. This man will strike you, but you can change that if you leave now. Your husband is an ASSHOLE for raising his hand to you. Leave ASAP because it will only get worse.
Your friend is wrong. It’s a huge thing! Tell your parents and get an attorney. Leave now!
Geeze……. All because you didn’t hear the phone ringing.
Imagine if you burnt the toast.
Give him back to mom, then he won’t miss any of her calls (not blaming mom everybody).
LEAVE, seek an attorney, tell your friends & family so they can support you through this because believe me, he WILL try to get you back & you WILL need your voices (friends/family), of reason to talk you down should you consider going back.
I’m afraid for you……. Imagine that🤔…..all that disrespect & intimidation over a phone call smh.
Girl he raised his hand at you like his was about to hit you. And yelling at you like you’re a child, absolutely not. He sounds abusive and I wouldn’t give him any other chance, I’d be gone and he can be served divorce papers. Love yourself more here and run like hell from him! Good luck and be safe!
He’s ignored you for a week because you didn’t hear his mum calling.. WTH…. you are not over reacting. Run before you have kids and can’t
He meant it. Get out now.
Girl if you don’t pack your things and divorce him tomorrow! What the hell is wrong with you to want to see if you’re OR when your husband RAISED HIS HAND TO YOU?! Despite what he says, that’s damn abusive behavior and will only get worse the longer you stay. “Oh, but he didn’t actually hit me” okay and. Next time it’ll be “Well, it was only a slap. I deserved it” and then “He didn’t mean to push me down the stairs.” Think about your well-being for Christ’s sake.
I’m just trying to wrap my head around a 34 year old man marrying a 22 year old. And now he’s threatening you?? He’s not a good man and certainly not a man to stay married to
Sweetheart, you are not safe there. Please leave now, even if it means moving back to your parents, before it escalates to him actually hitting you. He has shown you who he is and you need to use that knowledge.
NTA next time he’s likely to swing. Get out now.
Get better friends, too.
NTA. Stop thinking about leaving and leave. That type of behavior is inexcusable and will only get worse. Run now!
an angry man will kill you. NTA, leave and go to a family member or friends house where you’re safe. someone who loves you wont speak to you like that, someone who loves you won’t threaten to hurt you.
The fact that he is not talking for over a week after doing all those hurtful things shows that he is cruel. If you don’t leave him now, you might leave him later but in a state of a flower that has been trampled on.
GTFO!!!
Divorce. There were so many instances I look back on that I played off to be minor but if someone had done those things to my daughter I would hate it and beg her to leave that man. So would you be ok if someone did that to your daughter, hypothetically or someone you love? What would be your advice? Take it
Leave ASAP. No grown man gives the silent treatment. Maybe he should live with his mama.
But you don’t deserve this. Plan you escape. If he raised his hand once, what’s to stop him next time from actually acting out and striking you? Nothing. The longer you stay, the more of a sitting duck you will be. So don’t be a victim waiting for something to happen, act now. It already happened.
NTA. Run before he hits you. He will.
Don’t apologize. Get out of there. Raising a hand to you, saying “Shut your mouth” and saying he regrets marrying you are all signs that this is not a good marriage for you. He sounds dangerous. NTA.
NTA, your hopefully soon to be ex is a toxic bully and seemingly also a mummy’s boy. If he regrets marrying you and is becoming violent and confrontational, definitely leave.
He didn’t just raise his hands. He raised a question.. of your safety, of your worth, of your future. Silence is not peace…it’s punishment. And love isn’t meant to be feared. One sentence from him made you question your whole marriage. That alone should tell you everything.
get out of the house and please hope you’re not pregnant
NTA，that sounds so horrible!
Get out now.
NTA but you’re in danger. The most dangerous time for abuse victims is when they try to leave their abuser. Don’t be alone with him. Don’t confront him. Just find a way to get out. Abuse always escalates.
NTA. He needs anger management and no one, especially a man should play hands on a woman! The way he is acting now, yeah I’d suggest divorce. Severe overreaction for missing a phone call.
Love I hate to tell you, but your age difference speaks for itself. Men like this look for young women that they think they can control. Get out like yesterday and never look back. Run 🏃 don’t walk.
It sounds like things were ok up to this point. It’s pretty bizarre someone would just start acting like this for no apparent reason. People say and do things they regret when they are angry. And pride or some other bullshit keeps them from doing the right thing and apologizing. You could always take the first step and explain to him that you don’t understand why he got so mad that said that to you and that you felt he was physically threatening you. And you’re not ok with that and it can’t happen again. You’ve both had a couple of days to cool down so maybe something else was going on and he can now see how wrong he was.
That said, this could also be a preview of future mental and potentially physical abuse ahead. And you need to prepare a plan B before you get hurt. I’d say if he lays hands on you at all you need to call the cops, get a restraining order and then cut him off.
It’s his mother. He can take her calls.
Yup. Time to go. Move in silence.
Updateme
Don’t wait until he hits you. No loving person would yell at you just bc you didn’t hear the phone. He’s controlling bc he expects you to immediately take any incoming phone call.
I am concerned over the age difference, too. He probably looked for a wife that can be manipulated/controlled easier than women his age.
Get out. NOW.
NTA of course!!!
What on earth do you mean? He raised his hands at you? That’s not really clear. Did he touch you? Hurt you what did he do? Either way? It sounds abusive and toxic. Get out.
Don’t tell him. Grab your essential documents and RUN. You don’t want to be a statistic. This man is violent. When you are safe do not inform him where you are. Check your phone to ensure he hasn’t placed tracking software on it.
10 years older and exhibiting highly controlling and abusive behaviors? You’re NTA but you are in danger.
Please try to come up with an exit plan.
Yes, divorce him! He has shown his abusive side and lack of empathy. It would only get worse. Clean exit NOW.
Of course it’s an age gap relationship… Run run run. He’s shown his true colours, and it only gets worse from here.
Dont make rush decisions. The Reddit crowd only knows one word: divorce. Try sitting down at an appropriate time with him, get his mind, give yourself time to evaluate things and worse come to worse seek a separate path for yourself.
NTA
He’s abusive. Get out NOW and don’t go back. Also, drop your ‘friend’. She’s not a friend
I am willing to bet this isn’t the first display of violence, manipulation, short temper, blowing up over small stuff…etc. I bet it was just more subtle and it’s been building up. He next step for him is following through and actually hitting OP…. It’s only a matter of time.
GET OUT NOW. NTA
NTA. Please make yourself a get out plan and leave asap. Don’t listen to your ‘friend’ or anyone else who says that it isn’t a big issue. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to raise his hand says enough and he’s gonna keep escalating
It’s only going to get worse, once the mask slips all of the behavior he’s been hiding comes out. Please leave him, and be safe
NTA OP please find an exit strategy incase this escalates into spousal violence. Are you asian/brown (based of rice cooking tbh)? Divorce is taboo culturally but you only have one life to live. Good luck.
This conversation was not about the phone call. It was about more than that, and I would say your relationship is probably beyond getting counseling and is getting into the red zone. I would get out of there soon like now. He sounds dangerous. This could escalate.
This is not about a missed phone call. For whatever reason your husband has some deep resentment, distain toward you that’s already close to turning violent. There is no counseling or talking someone out of this. talk to a divorce lawyer today. best of luck
NTA I’ve been married over 30 years, and I’m a mom with both a daughter in law and a son in law. How you are being treated is SO wrong! I don’t believe in jumping straight to divorce, but I think you should seriously consider it, for a lot of reasons.
By raise his hands to you, did he hit you, or “just” (saying just sarcastically) threaten to? If it was “only” threatening to, is he going to go through with hitting you next time? Hitting your partner, or trying to physically intimidate them or make them think you’re even considering physically harming them is unacceptable. And a promise you, there WILL be a next time. You can’t live with a person without having disagreements or minor annoyances sometimes. But if he gets this angry over something as simple and innocent as a missed phone call, what happens when it’s something really worth being annoyed over?
He thinks his mother is more deserving of respect than you do? Nope. I want my husband and my mother in law to respect me. I want my children and their spouses to respect me. I respect all of them. But you know what? As much as I love my mother in law, as his wife, _I_ should come first to my husband. And the SAME goes for my children. My daughter in law should be first to my son over me. (I don’t know if you have a religious faith, but for me, this is actually part of that – you are to “leave your parents” and “cleave unto” your spouse.)
Speaking of that respect, he thinks missing a phone call is disrespectful enough to basically go nuclear on you, then how much respect is he showing you by refusing to speak to you or acknowledge you for a WEEK? By putting you down, insulting you, etc?
Too many times, men will marry a woman much younger than they are, because they want to control them. There’s a sick expression about this, it’s “Marry them young, then raise them to suit yourself.” Just the fact that you even question if you are wrong for thinking this isn’t ok makes me think that this is what he’s trying to do, and has been manipulating you. Also, is this how you would want a daughter of yours treated? Would you be happy to hear a son of yours treated a woman this way? Because raising kids with him will lead to that.
Please consider leaving him, but if you do, have a safe plan in place, and don’t fall for love bombing if you do. Because I’m truly afraid that this man is going to physically hurt you, either when you try to leave, or down the line if you stay.
NTA
Leave this guy in the dirt!!
So hes lifted his hand to you? Next time, he’ll hit a door or a wall. Then, when you stay for that, he’ll hit you.
Any so-called man that raises his hand to you is gearing up to eventually hit you.
You’re young, this guy should just be a distant memory for you, and for God’s sake..don’t have a child!
Girl, you’re not the AH he is. He yelled, raised his hands, told you to shut up, and then ghosted you in your own house like you did something. That’s not a “small issue,” that’s a big red flag. If this is how he acts over a missed call, imagine the next fight. You’re not crazy for thinking divorce you’re just realizing you deserve better.
take this from my experience. my sis was married twice, and her previous hubby RAISED his hand at first. she stayed. then he slapped her once. she stayed. then she got beaten and finally had the courage to tell our family and walk away.
it doesn’t get better after one threat. i hope you’re okay. NTA. please think about yourself and your safety.
Which country is this? Why are you with a man 12 years older than you? Yuck
Don’t wait for an actual slap. Leave now. If he cares for his mother so much that he could not miss a call, let him go back to her.
It will probably escalate over time, better to go out now but safely. You married when you were 22 and he was 34 and probably started dating even younger. Coming from a 35 year old, I could not imagine dating a 22 year old. He probably went for a young woman because he wants to have control in the relationship. Very concerning.
I’d bounce, the man is a POS and he clearly will hit you in the future.
This won’t get better; get divorce proceedings started now. And find a better friend.
NTA.
So he massively OVERREACTED to a phone call being missed. That’s the crux of this situation.
Is his mother in medical distress? That’s the only reason I can think of for this to be acceptable as a response. It barely covers being “angry” about the phone call. Threatening violence?? Way too far.
Now the silent treatment?
None of this sounds like a good marriage.
He’s playing you!
He has shown you that his mother comes first and you will always be second! You each have your own place in his life but, this is now the standard for how he will treat you and this is what he expects.
Marriage is not this, seriously get out and start again.
Are you waiting for him to actually hit you? Because it’s coming. NTA. You need to leave.
NTA. Leave as humanly possible. Quietly get your ID and financials in order. This threat will eventually escalate to being physical. You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you.
NTA – First, get out of there as soon as you can and quietly as you can.
Second, can the poor man baby not pick up a phone and call someone back? Everyone misses calls. It’s not the end of the world.
Third, good on you for washing your rice. You have greatly honored the ancestors. Lol
Staying is you giving him permission to treat you like that, acceptance. Every time after will escalate. RUN and do not tell him your location.. updateme
NTA. The silence is the point. He wants your head spinning so that you doubt yourself. So that YOU apologize for winging HIM. do that you become dependent on HIM for what is right and wrong in the world.
He is conditioning you to behave unconditionally the way he wants.
If you look at your relationship, I’m betting it’s already happening in other ways. What you wear. Sex life. Friends. Chores /division of household work.
Leave.
It will escalate the more you assert your point of view. You don’t even have to “fight back”. Just step out of his undisclosed unperceived boundaries and it will be more of the same.
Tell your parents. Go for a visit. Forgot to come back.
Good luck.
I stopped reading after the age gap combined with the title tells me you’ve been groomed and he’s showing his true colors. Leave.
Your husband is verbally abusive and has told you it will escalate to physical abuse. Take the warning as a win and get out of there.
Don’t take the apology when you’re walking out the door or locking it behind him! He doesn’t mean it!
NTA but apologize anyway so you can make a plan and get out. You’re not safe. Appease him until you can cut and run. And double up on birth control.
My mother always told me, the SECOND a man raises their hand at you, that’s the second you leave. I don’t care if he was super upset, if he was going through something, any excuse on the book you could possibly use. I don’t care, you get out and don’t look back.
Why? Because that’s the very beginning. An argument where you both say things in the heat of the moment? That’s something worth talking about and discussing, seeing if you can communicate better with each other. Raise his hands at you? Nope, you get out. He’s showing you how things are going to be now that the honeymoon period is over. And he even said so himself, he regrets marrying you, so give him the solution and divorce him. This is not a problem you can fix. This is something you get out of while you’re still able to do so by your own means. Be careful, be safe but leave.
I do not understand your instinct to think you did something wrong because your husband threatened to hit you.
You are young. Leave this man before he actually follows through with his threat.
NTA!
Your friend is completely wrong. She’s insane. Don’t blow it up to be a big deal? Umm… he threatened violence. It already is a big deal!
I wish I’d left my abuser the first time and never looked back. Please don’t be like me and stay in a relationship where you have to shrink yourself for his benefit, where you’ll be at his mercy for everything.
Gather your most important documents and pack a bag, quietly one day while he’s at work. Then leave. Tell your parents now, they’ll offer you somewhere to stay. It won’t be easy, but divorce this man now before enmeshing yourself further like having kids with him. It’s so much harder to leave when you have kids.
His mask has slipped, and if there’s anything I know, it’s that when somebody shows you who they truly are: believe them. He’s only likely to get worse. Do yourself a favour and run fast and run far. Don’t believe any lies that may come out of his mouth; “I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again” “I’m not abusive” “You know I’d never hit you. You made me mad, it’s your fault I raised my hand.” Especially not the last one. You don’t shoulder the blame for him raising his hand to you. You kissed a phone call, big fucking deal. He missed 3. So by his logic, you should be angry at him. But no, because normal adults are like “Oh, I missed a phone call. I’ll call mom back right now.” They don’t raise hands and threaten violence against their spouse.
The fact that you had to explain or justify why you didn’t pick the phone is scary. Almost like your making excuses for his behavior. Girl it will only get worse from here. Honestly your young get out now. Life for your will only get better. The fact that you have not told your parents says a lot. Any decent parent would tell you to get out now.
NTA
If a man raises his hand to you ONCE, that is once too many! Make a plan and get out. And do not trust your friend. She is an idiot who thinks it is ok for you to be abused.
Do NOT apologize. He’s abusive. No excuses.
Thinking? Just run.
If I were a betting man, I would bet that this is only the beginning of this type of behavior. And unless he’s under some tremendous stress, or on some type of medication that affects his rational thought, then you likely got a glimpse of the real version of him. A version that has probably been as tolerant as he’s ever going to be and his frustrations, or whatever it is that drive him to act that way, will only get worse as time goes on. Tread carefully.
NTA,
Your friend who’d say to not make it a huge issue like a divorce, she sounds like a peacekeeper. Peacekeepers are dangerous when you’re doubting yourself in a situation like this. when you should trust your gut.
Make no mistake. Trust your gut, this is a big deal.
If you have the time: “WHy does he do that” is a GREAT must read. I highly recommend it.
Right now it’s time to plan your exit. Talk to your parents about this.
The age gap is already a red flag but the whole “you should do better or else” isn’t going to fly. This attitude will excalate. i’m sorry but you should divorce and be save while doing this.
When u leave (hopefully, soon!😬) don’t go 2 that friend! She’ll tell him!🤬 Go somewhere safe with ppl that u can trust! Wtf did the mama want anyway?😒 NTA
Well, the honeymoon period is officially over, and he’s now showing you his true colors. And they’re not pretty. Would you be able to move back to your parents? You need to find a safe haven ASAP.
If you were to tell him you’re leaving ( not at all recommended), that would open a whole can of worms. He might not get violent at first, perhaps choosing instead to apologize profusely. This would be a manipulative tactic. If you let that dissuade you from leaving, it would only postpone the inevitable, and his abusive behavior would gradually escalate. You could save yourself a lot of time and grief by quietly leaving when he’s not home.
Be aware, that abusers can be consummate actors when faced with a separation or divorce scenario. They’ll stoop to begging, even crying, though none of it is sincere. They tend to be master manipulators.
Work on putting together an exit strategy. Line up a support group. If gf’s and parents feel you’re over-reacting, call a women’s shelter and talk to a staffer there. We’re here for you, too, if you need us for a reality check and support.
Take care, and stay safe. Be sure to use bc.
gtfo
If he’s raising his hands at you in anger, it’s only a matter of time before he uses them. It’s time to go.
I was looking forward to the part where he instantly came to his senses and offered a genuine, humble apology for his totally new, bizarre, abusive, unreasonable behavior. Since that’s missing, it’s been over a week, you sound like the frog in hot water. Leave.
Been here, similar age gap, started the same, then he just got worse, physical and financial abuse! You’re young get out now, you have your whole life ahead of you!
Consider him raising his hand a warning and red flag. If he strikes you and you don’t do anything about it; it’s only gonna enable him to do worse. Definitely tell your parents and take steps to protect yourself.
He tested you. If you stay he learns that next time he can grab you, shake you or push you. Maybe slap you. The time after that it might be a kick or a punch. It will escalate. It always does. If you leave he will try to guilt you into coming back (I’ll off myself) and he will love bomb you and if that doesn’t work he will threaten you. Then promise therapy and change. And if all that doesn’t work he will start it all over again.
You are 24. Don’t stay, don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t waste years of your life being beaten down physically and emotionally in the hopes he will go back to that loving man you thought you married. That man never existed. This man is the real man.
You’re NTA but he is. He sounds really unhinged, tbh. What further cements this for me is that days have passed and he hasn’t apologized for his behavior and, instead, is ignoring you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s waiting for you to apologize, which you absolutely should not because you haven’t done anything wrong. Even if you wanted to, there’s no reconciling with someone who won’t apologize and continues to gaslight you into thinking you’re at fault. No. He’s the problem, full stop.
I do think you should consider divorce based on the fact he doesn’t respect you. He would’ve apologized by now if he cared at all. I think your husband is a dangerous person.
Listen. This is not a safe place for you to be any longer. People that love each other do not threaten each other and say nasty things to each other like that and raise hands to each other. By raising his hand to you, he was giving you a warning that next time he will strike. The best thing for you to do is to carry on normally while gathering all of your important documents and belongings and to leave to a safe place when he is not home. Do not let him know or see that you are planning on leaving because he may escalate.
Absolutely NTAH. Never take shows of violence like that litely. Please get out safely 💜
Don’t apologize, you have done nothing wrong. He really overreacted and the question you must ask yourself is if he, next time he act like that, will actually hit you. Take care of yourself and never give your trust to a potential violent man.
Age difference aside – I won’t even go into the difference between 20/30 yr olds vs 30/40 yr olds
But he escalated incredibly quick over a missed call – that he also missed, blames you entirely and is now acting like a petulant man baby by refusing to apologize to you – instead he is waiting for you to apologize to him when you did absolutely NOTHING wrong
Please seek help and advice from your local woman’s outreach, let anyone and everyone know your game plan once you have one, so that if shit hits the fan (I hope it does not but you need to be prepared) everyone you’ve told can reach out to local authorities
Also not only do I advise you to leave your husband but DUMP your so called “FRIEND” – I don’t know what the hell was going through her head to even think that you should stay in an abusive relationship, but she is not a positive support system for you. The fact that a bunch of Reddit STRANGERS are more concerned for your well being and safety over your “friend” speaks volumes
Leave. It only gets worse. Once they think they can treat you that way and get away with it, it’s downhill after that.
NTA, leave as quickly as possible. he is dangerous and this will escalate.
You need to get out. It may or may not be permanent that would depend on the situation after you get out. This should have been a very small incident that should have just ended with the statement that you didn’t hear the phone.
The escalation is very concerning and for your safety it would be best to get some space. This isn’t normal, but there might be a reason. Go and stay with your parents or friend fro a couple of days and meet up with your husband in a public place with people around to talk about the situation. You can decide then if it is something you feel can be worked out or not.
I am not one to immediately jump to divorce talk, but there are a lot of red flags waving here. Please go somewhere safe and make your own plans. Be safe.
Op, the age difference is already a big red flag. He wants to control you with abuse and intimidation. He wants a bang maid. He doesn’t want a wife.
Sorry this happened to you. Based on his response, lack of empathy and remorse. I would say plan your exit. This man will destroy you
NTA. Now you get a divorce before it gets physical.
NTA, but you will be if you don’t get out of that marriage. You’re young and can find someone better. Kick his ass to the curb.
This is just the beginning and also why he married someone so young. NTA but start making plans to get out. The silent treatment is the first line of abuse.
Wait—she called HIM three times and he didn’t hear it either, and he’s dumping on you. And threatened violence over not picking up a call he didn’t hear either?? Talk to an attorney NOW.
Make asap the plan to escape your marriage.
First find a lawyer and talk to the police.
Then if you have parents go to their place or a good friend and let him know about divorce just after you are safe.
Love from a stranger.
NTA you 100% need to divorce him. Also if my husband expected me to drop whatever I’m doing to answer his phone every time his mom called him I’d roll my eyes so hard. What a bizarre expectation.
…a 34 year old married a 22 year old woman, is now mad at her because HE was in the bathroom and didn’t hear the call…so he verbally abused you and implied physical abuse…
Op, i say this as gently as possible: RUN LIKE HELL
he’s 12 years older and doesn’t know how to manage his emotions? dump that trash
It starts with a raised hand and it ends with a body bag. Don’t let it end with a body bag. Get out. Get better.
The yelling isn’t the worst problem – it’s his statement about regretting your marriage. That is shady af and he’s likely to use the same excuse when he’s tempted by another woman, or simply ignoring your marriage. You need to have a talk about the regret, if it’s real then it’s much bigger issue than him losing his cool and yelling. He should apologize for both things, but if I was you I’d want to know what he meant about regretting your marriage.
It also sounds like he possibly has some strange mommy issue. To get that upset over missing a call is ridiculous – something else was driving that anger. His mom has said something negative or lots negative about you to him, and it sounds like he’s taking it all in and giving it back to you.
I’d imagine if you don’t go to therapy soon, this relationship is headed for divorce. He should never have raised his hand at you and that’s worse than regret or the yelling.
If anyone said to me they regretted marrying me, I’d be gone.
Your husband is being totally unreasonable. Either go into marriage counseling immediately—present it as an ultimatum to him—or get out.
Please get out now, that is just the beginning of abuse. It want stop there. I am speaking from experience.
NTA. People who are saying divorce is an overreaction have never met someone like this. Your husband sounds a lot like my dad. This is never a one-time thing. If he can get that upset over a phone call, he will get that upset over other things, and it will likely escalate.
He feels guilty for missing the phone call and is shifting the blame to you so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Make no mistake, this will happen again. My mom was blamed for “losing” my dad’s things when he didn’t remember where he put them, it was her fault he wasn’t eating healthy, her fault when he gained weight, her fault whenever he made a mistake or forgot to do something. She was a servant, did everything for him, and it was never enough. She is still living like this. My siblings and I have begged her to leave him, but divorce is against her religion. Please, please do not end up in the situation my mom is in. She has been married to this man for 25 miserable years. Get out. Get out. Get out.
Ignoring you is not only incredibly immature but also manipulative. My dad used this tactic on my mom to where she was begging him to talk to her, and he eventually “forgave” her and would speak again. It’s about making you feel so alone and guilty that you forget he is the one in the wrong.
You are still so young, and you deserve so much better than this. This is controlling and abusive behavior.
Contact a divorce lawyer and take their advice. If you have a trusted friend or family member you can stay with, reach out to them. Look into local resources for victims of domestic violence. His behavior is emotionally abusive and may escalate into physical violence. Be careful. Have your plan ready and leave fast while he is out of the house to avoid a confrontation.
I am so sorry you are going through this, OP. Please get out. It will only get worse, trust me. I have seen it firsthand. You deserve so much better. Good luck 🫂
Do not apologize – unless it’s part of a safety issue. You did nothing wrong.
I’m with the others saying his behavior seems like the beginning of some serious abuse. Emotional at least and possibly ending up being physical.
I would suggest asking him to sit down and talk about it. Tell him you were surprised by his anger over a missed phone call and if there’s something else going on. If he refuses to talk about it and continues acting like you’re the one at fault, then take him at his word. That he’s sorry he married you – for whatever reason, which may have nothing to do with you – and get out of there. Unless he apologizes and there’s something wild going on that MIGHT excuse his blowup (like he found out his mother or someone has cancer and it was a really important phone call), then this is what your life is going to be. It won’t be happy.
But even if it was a really phone call….his behavior was still out of line. As is his silent treatment.
Get out of that relationship now. Major red flags. You’ll be happier and safer on your own.
Not rude…. Abusive. He’s married you because women his own age wouldn’t tolerate his bullshit. He can’t even be bothered to hide his true self from you now. Get out quickly.
Not TAH. I like to say that I reluctantly take responsibility for my mistakes; I won’t take responsibilities for someone else’s. You are young-end it. When you are safe, tell him you HAVE been living in an imaginary world- you thought he’d be responsible for his issues and that you’d be safe.
This is a GIANT red flag. Leave.
He threatened violence over a meaningless perceived slight (not answering a phone call). Massive red flag for the future.
Something I notice about post like this, from young women in abusive relationships, the story is always way WAY over explained.
None of the details matter, not the rice, not the phone calls, none of it. You’re still seeing the trees and not the forest. The marriage is the issue. You being married so young is a major contributing factor in these sort of situations as well.
If you have somewhere else to go, leave and stay away from the house until you can sort out what needs to be done.
Don’t just go – run away from that.
He couldn’t call mom back? So much drama over… NOTHING.
Then he goes to physical violence because he can’t call mom back? Did the phone suddenly die after this call or is he too stupid to call back?
WTF? All he had to do was pick up his phone and hit her name on the missed call.. and LIKE MAGIC, he could have called her back.. but gets triggered over something that is TRIVIAL??
This is a pressure cooker of a person, waiting to explode. That blows my mind, getting that bent out of shape over a missed call.
That’s nuts. There are countless times my wife and I have missed calls from each other or whatever. That’s just life. But fixing the situation is just a call-back away. No big deal at all. Call back, “Sorry we were making dinner and missed your call”..
And I’m the same – my hearing isn’t at all good if there is a noise like a fan or water going. It’s hard to hear past that for me.
And yeah.. if the dullard was expecting a phone call – maybe he should have taken the phone with him.. DUH!
NTA gtfo
Farming?
Sis, he picked up his hand to hit you… heed the warning ⛔️ ‼️ leave for your safety, this man isn’t a loving husband, this is something so small that shouldn’t have even escalated like this and he was full of rage.. get out. You deserve better
If he said he regrets marrying you, go ahead and give him what he wants and leave. Leaving gets harder and more dangerous the longer you wait. Do it soon before this behavior escalates if you can. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Good luck babe
I stopped reading when i saw the age gap. Lawyer up.
Why didd she think marrying at 22 to someone 10 years older was going to work out?
divorce him. he’s dangerous.
I can only give you two words of advice – get out!
Leave this manchild, immediately. Now you know why he was going after women far far younger, sadly.
Tell him he’s acting like the gay boys you see online
NTA, he was verbally abusive then physically threatening over something really simple. Get the divorce, more men and women should walk away as soon as situations like this occur
Normally, I’m not one for going straight to divorce/NC/whatever counts as the nuclear option but in this case it’s really your best option. When someone threatens violence and says something as callous as “I never should have married you”, they are telling you they are a garbage human. Your optimal response to this is to believe him when he tells you he’s trash and get him out of your life.
He seriously raised a hand to you in violence over a missed call? Not someone you want to trust your safety to.
NTA
Divorce this man and marry someone closer to your age. Any man in their mid 30’s marrying a 22 year old is a red flag.