Ages/Genders/Relationship Info:
- Me: 44s, F
- Husband: 46, M (we’ve been married for just under 2 years)
- Son: mid-23, M (adult with a child of his own (2))
- Daughter: 26, F
Hi everyone,
I’m really struggling with something my husband has been saying about my relationship with my son, and I’d love some outside perspective.
For context, my son is an adult with a family of his own. I’m very close with him and his partner—we talk about twice a day—and I’m also very close with my daughter. I’m very involved with my grandson, and being a mom and grandmother is one of the most important parts of who I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t value being a wife or a business owner—those are also priorities for me, along with my animals!
My husband is not my children’s biological father. He came into our lives when my son was 18 and my daughter was 20. We’re also close with his family—his grandmother has been living with us for almost a year, and I help with most of the things she needs, though she’s still fairly independent.
Despite all of this balance, my husband has been saying that my relationship with my son is “too much” and even implied it’s inappropriate. He’s made unsettling comments like, “It’s like you want to date your son,” which was incredibly shocking and hurtful. He also says I’m “too extra” with my grandson, which feels controlling because I’m simply being a loving and present grandma.
I can’t help but wonder if his perspective is shaped by his own strained relationship with his mother growing up. But this has become a serious issue because it feels like he’s trying to make me feel guilty for being close to my own family. And I can’t get past the fact that he used such an extreme, inappropriate comparison—it crossed a major line for me.
I don’t believe I’m doing anything wrong. I’m simply close with my kids and grandson, and that’s never going to change. But he clearly has a problem with it, and I’m trying to figure out if this is coming from insecurity, jealousy, or something deeper.
Has anyone else dealt with a partner feeling threatened or uncomfortable with a strong parent-child bond? How would you handle this?
TL;DR:
My husband (45M) and I (40sF, married 2 years) are fighting because he thinks my relationship with my adult son (mid-20sM) is “too much” and even implied it’s inappropriate, saying things like “it’s like you want to date your son.” I’m very close to my kids and grandson, and he seems jealous or threatened. I’m hurt and questioning how to move forward.
Comments
This is completely unacceptable on his part. What kind of partner doesn’t support a healthy loving relationship with one’s children? It’s like he is trying to isolate you or something. Something has to change, and it’s not your behavior.
Don’t give him an inch. He’s a disgusting, insecure, potentially abusive (if this is his attempt to isolate you from your family) freak and you should proceed accordingly.
For me, if my partner was talking to his mom twice a day, that would feel extreme to me and I would wonder about their relationship- sometimes people become emeshed with their parents and their involvement and closeness isn’t coming from a healthy place. However, if you and your son and your son’s partner are all fine with this arrangement and there’s nothing toxic or weird going on, then that’s it and your husband needs to get on board and stop making offensive comments.
Does your husband have bio children of his own? I’m guessing he does not. That would explain his misunderstanding of a healthy parent-child relationship. His comments are off base, really inappropriate.
Talking twice a day is a lot – have you heard of the phenomenon of clingy boy moms?
I do find it odd when grown men get jealous of the mother and child relationship. At whatever age. It’s odd and disturbing that he has sexualised your relationship with your son
I am not a parent. I am child free and your husband is weird.
who in the world hates on a parent having a good close relationship with their children and grandchildren?..
if your son’s partner has no issue with this or you
.then why is it a problem to your husband?
the fact that you said you’re also close to your son’s partner leads me to believe your husband is just straight up jealous that you have rich, fulfilling relationships outside of yours with his. i don’t know what your relationship is like with your husband outside of this, so i won’t be one of those redditors that say “DIVORCE!” but considered how long u guys were married and that he’s not the father of your kids, i would say if someone has to give, it’s gotta be him
Almost sounds like he feels “threatened” by something, or perhaps jealousy? Idk, that’s just not supportive behavior.
He is jealous of the relationship you have with your kids. After he isolates you from your son, he will work on isolating you from your daughter. He will do this with all of your relationships until you have only him.
I’m extremely close with my youngest son, who is 14 years younger than his older brother. If my husband questioned our relationship, I would find it extremely disturbing. I see nothing wrong with maintaining a meaningful and healthy relationship with your adult children.
If you don’t mind me asking before him were you in any other relationship that you would consider that was loving or were you pretty independent and single? I ask because usually women that have kids and are married but their husband doesn’t give them the care and attention tend to seek that form their sons.
He doesn’t have his own kids, so he can’t possibly understand the bond between a parent and child. He is being inappropriate by saying that and he should be evaluated. It sounds like you would be better off without him.
Info: Can you give examples of what your relationship includes with your kids? How about his family members? Specifically, what do you do that he says “you want to date your son”?
Inappropriate for him to say it anyways, but I’m curious about what he thinks he’s seeing.
Insecurity, jealousy or coercion. If good communication cannot solve this, then boundaries or walking away should.
Your husband is gross and an idiot. Continue being close with your kids and replace the husband with one of the other 8 billion people on the planet.
What a disturbing reaction. I wonder if he was SA by his mother or father? There has to be a reason for why he says those things. Sounds like he needs therapy.
While in theory it’s lovely that you have such a close relationship with your children and grandchild, maybe it’s possible your husband is picking up on some pushy or overinvolved/overbearing behavior. I wouldn’t assume that’s the case, but just to be sure maybe check in with your son. Ask him if he’s happy with the relationship, how involved/present you are, etc. There could be a world in which you are doing more then your son wants, but he has a hard time saying no to you.
However, even if that is true, it still wouldn’t be inappropriate in a romantic way. It still wouldn’t be like wanting to date your son. It’s still offensive your husband said that.
How often does your husband say things like this? Have you told him to stop? How it makes you feel? What happens?
My suggestion would be after talking to your son, have a sit down conversation with your husband at a neutral time. Tell him beacuse of all his comments you’ve checked in with your son and he is happy and comfortable with your relationship. Then tell your husband firmly that what he is saying is really offensive and you expect it to stop. You understand that your relationship with your kids is probably strange to him since he has no kids (it sounds like?) and he isn’t close to his own mother. However, families are different, and just beacuse he and his mom aren’t close dosen’t mean other families have to be same. You don’t wan the relationship he has with his mom. Just beacuse you love someone who is a boy in your own family does not make the love romantic or “like you want to date them” and it’s a really gross thing for him to say. It reflects poorly on your husband that he says this. You don’t want to wonder if he thinks about his female family members in a romantic way or if he’s jealous of your kids, but every time he brings this up it makes you lose respect for him. So he needs to stop. (Last part optional.)
Then if he does it, you shut it down hard every single time. And your approach to that is up to you, and based off your personality and relationships. Some possibilities:
“You know how hurtful I find it when you say that. I’m disappointed in you and don’t feel like talking to you anymore.” End conversation. (Mature Option.)
“I don’t want to date my family members. I know you think about incest a lot, but the more you mention it the more gross you come off to me.”
“I know you’re jealous, but this is just sad. It’s not normal to be jealous of my son. Maybe get some therapy or something if you can’t handle it.”
End of the day, that’s your child and grandchild. If he isn’t on board with you being close with your literal children, that’s not healthy
I would divorce a man who made such comments about my bonds with my children! He is absolutely vile for that!
This feels like one of those “what’s really bothering you” situations where your husband wants something, but instead of asking, he’s being stupid. You need to make it clear to him that he needs to back off of this immediately, and that you will go nuclear if something even remotely like this comes up again. But you also need to figure out why he’s saying this. Maybe he has some unresolved trauma from his own relationship with his parents. Maybe he feels like you are taking time away from him and he just wants more of you. Maybe somebody has been putting weird ideas into his head and he’s not thinking critically. It’s entirely possible that this is coming from and innocent or well-intentioned place, and there’s something bothering him that is worth figuring out. But you also need to be crystal clear that you will absolutely go nuclear if he tries to come in between you and your son or daughter.
Talk it out, insist on therapy or a sincere apology, but absolutely do not let him screw up your relationship with your kids.
Yikes, that comment about your son is a huge red flag. You’re NTA for loving your family.
He is definitely jealous of the relationship that you have with your family.
I know from first-hand experience, don’t shrink yourself or how you interact with your family, for him, it’s his problem not yours
My partner gets jealous when I spend time with my teenage son. Lately we’ve been getting into more and more fights when I come home from his place on the weekend when my son comes home from his father’s.
He gets into a mood because we aren’t together and feels like I’m abandoning and leaving him (for my own son). And then he gets to drinking and starts to insult and say nasty things about me, my son, and my family
I’m at the end of my tether
He’s jealous of your parental and grandma roles. Wow!
Deep down, he knows you will always choose your kids and grandkids over him, and its as you should!
He’s brand new in your life, yet he’s trying to compete and dominate relationships that aren’t even in the same lane. At his core, he’s jealous, insecure, and likely verbally manipulative/abusive.
Has he been married before? Why did his other marriage(s) end?
Lastly, is/was he an absentee/deadbeat dad? He sounds like a man who presumed he was an involved/great dad since he paid his child support obligations on time.
You need to divorce him. He is deeply disturbed.
One of the things I love most about my wife is how she’s there for our children.
I think your husband might have a valid point but he’s saying it in such a way that the point is lost due to the callous way he presents it. He should never have put it in a “Go date your son” way. That’s gross and denotes a lack of respect- both for you and your kids. I’d be offended too.
That said, is there any chance anyone else sees the 2x daily phone calls as an issue? Where does your son’s SO stand on the daily intrusions? While I commend you for wanting to be present and available, I can’t help but wonder what the spouses/SO’s think. I’ve been with my husband 15 years and even when he was close to his family, they didn’t talk more than 3 times a week and we saw them once a week. I liked his family but that was enough for me and sometimes felt like too much. I simply cannot imagine my husband taking time away from our family twice a day to talk to his mother.
Someone else commented about emeshment and honestly OP, I say this as gently and kindly as possible – that seems to fit here. Your kids aren’t kids anymore. I’m not sure it’s appropriate to be calling and in their business like you are, even if they are ok with it. They would be, because it’s the way they’ve been raised. Again, I’d reiterate that it might be a good idea to evaluate all sides to make sure your husband truly is coming out of left field with his assertions. I’d encourage you to talk to your son AND his SO and be sure they’re BOTH on the same page as you- that your calls and active presence in their family time and life is welcome and no issue. And if that’s the case, your husband needs a coming to God talk. If he has a problem when no one else does, then it is a HIM problem and he either works it out on his own to get over it or he needs to reevaluate whether the relationship is a good fit. If he’s more a distance guy while you’re a close knit gal, it ain’t gonna work and neither of you is to blame.
Best of luck, OP. I hope it works out ok for you.
EDIT: word
Not cool. I’d tell him he needs individual therapy, and you need couples therapy, or he and his mother need to get out.
How long has this been an issue for him? The reality is he will always come after your kids, some partners can’t accept that
It’s hard to know if you are enmeshed with your son, from your post. You could be.
Check out JustNoMil and see if your relationships look familiar. There are also books and resources there.
So, two possibilties:
He tried to make subtle jabs, now he’s going deviant because being subtle ain’t working.
You could sit down with him and discuss how he’s feeling, just be prepared to hear some pretty ugly stuff about your decisions and your time management and how he feels you’re targeting your neglect at him, etc. This doesn’t have to become weird and toxic but since he’s already taking it in that direction, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see him double down.
I’d love to tell you that it’s ridiculous for an adult man to feel romantic jealousy over the relationship between you and your son… but that is a real possibility for someone who feels romantically and sexually insecure.
May I ask, have either of your children or your son’s partner ever suggested that they wanted you to back off a little bit? I am not accusing you! I’m asking for more information.
There is the possibility is that you are actually too involved in their adult lives and do need to rain it in. If that is the case, and you have heard from your children that they would like a little more space, your husband may have been using an expression that is frequently used by daughter-in-law’s when their partner’s mother is too involved. Basically, some mothers want to co-parent and have a say in their adult children’s relationships. That’s when people will say it looks like they are trying to date their son. If your husband meant it that way, then he wasn’t suggesting anything sexual. He was commenting on how you are too involved in your children’s relationships.
It doesn’t sound like that is the likely situation, though. I did want to mention it in case you saw something that made you want to focus on some self-improvement. Your husband sounds like he is being a jealous dick, however. I strongly suspect this is him being an asshole instead of you being a stereotypical overbearing mom who can’t cut the umbilical cord. He sounds like does not like it when all the attention isn’t on him and he wants to poison your relationship with your children so you will spend all of your attention on him.
As someone who got married when I already had a child, and who is now getting remarried while my child is an adult, may I suggest dumping any and all assholes who are not thrilled that you are a wonderful, loving and caring mother? Even when you’ve already married them? My life got a hell of a lot better when I divorced that man…
Usually, if someone is trying to isolate you from your family members it is because they are abusive. Have you seen any other red flag behaviour?
Personally, the way that I would deal with it would be to tell him to kick rocks.