I (34 F) and my husband (33 M) have been married for almost eight years. I love him deeply, and we have a really strong bond but there’s something that’s been bothering me.
For years now, he’s brought up this fantasy of wanting to see me be intimate with another woman. I wouldn’t call it a full-on “lesbian fetish,” but it’s clearly something that turns him on and something he really wants to experience, specifically with me. He’s brought it up multiple times, and every time, I’ve tried to be honest with him about how I feel.
The truth is, I just don’t want that. I’ve told him this before, more than once, but he keeps pushing. I don’t know if it’s because he’s hoping I’ll change my mind or if he doesn’t fully understand how deeply I mean it, but either way, it’s becoming frustrating and honestly, a little hurtful.
I know jealousy might be part of it, but the idea of him touching another woman in any sexual way makes me feel physically sick. It doesn’t excite me it makes me feel anxious and angry. I experimented with girls back in high school, and yeah, it was fun at the time, but I came out of those experiences knowing that it wasn’t what I wanted long-term. I’m not curious, I’m not questioning it’s just not for me.
What I need from him is to really hear me not just nod when I say no, but actually understand that this isn’t something I’m interested in now or ever. This isn’t about me being closed off or unwilling to please him. It’s about boundaries. I don’t want this to become a recurring point of tension in our marriage, but I also can’t keep feeling like I have to keep defending the same boundary over and over.
I want him to know that I love him, I respect his honesty, and I’m glad he feels safe enough to talk to me about his fantasies but I need that same respect in return. I need him to stop bringing it up and trust that when I say no, I mean it with love, not judgment.
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Would bet this is not the only area where he “keeps pushing.”
The threesome stuff is a symptom, not the real problem. He doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t care what you think – at least based on the description in OP.
Ask him if in the future he would be down for a mfm, might change his perception jajajajaj
Tell him that you want to bring in another man first and then we can find a woman.
Just kidding, don’t ever open the box because it can’t be shut again.
92% of couples that try this will end their marriage.
Well, obviousley it is someting he wants. Maybe there is anything you are happy to do, to meet him half way? Watch ffm porn together?
When you say you’ve tried to be honest with him about how you feel, if you haven’t already, you need to be firm and BLUNT and tell him exactly how his continued asking is making you feel.
“Hey. I GET that this is a fantasy of yours. But I’ve told you before that I don’t want it. I am telling you now that I never will want it. When you continue to bring it up, despite me telling you that, it hurts me. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel frustrated and disconnected from you. You bringing it up over and over makes me feel like you don’t care about my feelings or my boundaries. I am not shaming you. I am glad you feel comfortable telling me your fantasies and hope we can continue to share them. But this particular fantasy is one you have asked for and I have given my answer. I do not want you to bring it up again, ever.”
If he STILL brings it up after you’ve been blunt and honest, he’s an asshole. Truly. Like a child who won’t stop pestering for a toy. “Asked and answered!” Is a phrase used often in our house.
That last paragraph of your post, have you expressed all that to him already?
Exploring sexually with a partner can be fun, but you both need to be excited for it to work. Clearly here you’re not.
Tell him that you’re not interested in sleeping with other people, men or women, and you would appreciate if he stopped asking.
You can also ask a lot of questions and analyze it to death. Like, why is he interested in watching lesbians when lesbians have no interest in men?Does he want to watch two women have sex, or you specifically? Does it have to be with another woman? Would he watch you with another man? Is he just interested in being a cuck? Why does he not want to participate? Your title says threesome but nowhere in the story does it say that he would be a part of it at all besides watching. Does he feel inferior? Does that turn him on?
Therapize him to the point that it loses all appeal and just becomes an intellectual exercise.
Or again, just say no, and that you never want to be asked again.
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You already told him how you feel. Him continuing to pester you about it is asinine. Id tell him you won’t discuss it again. No means no.
You’ve set your boundary. How much does him completely ignoring that change for you? Once you give in, what’s the next boundary he’ll try and press?
dont do it
Could you get one of those ultra real s.x dolls?
The way your post reads sounds like a great way to talk to your husband. Your explanation was clear, firm, and direct. You might, even, have him read your post.
A few final thoughts. Have you role-played these fantasies with him? You can have sex with any woman while role-playing. The fantasy is almost always better than the reality anyway. Another possibility is to watch lesbian porn together as you describe what you would be doing with the ladies on the screen.
Sit him down and be super clear. Write out what you want to say so that you don’t forget anything.
I understand this is a fantasy of yours. I am not interested in this. I do not want to involve another person into our sexual experiences. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t appreciate being pressured to do this. I may not have been clear about this in the past so I am taking the opportunity to make this very clear today.
Obviously not that exactly, but along those lines.
I would honestly say he’s using the expression he wants to see you intimate with another woman as a cover up as he most likely just wants a 3rd and is masking his intentions with saying that , and asking you multiple times is disrespectful as anything and quite frankly hurtful, trust your gut and be strong with your boundaries !!
Uh I believe you guys should do couples counseling. Your husband might have some kind of problem and it’ll only snowball.
He keeps telling you despite your “no”, because its either that, or he will do it behind your back eventually.
He rather wants to do it with your blessing than having to do it behind your back and having to divorce you.
Don’t do it. Some people that have done that…they never come back from it. Ever.
if you do accept that your marriage may end.
Agree, but say you’ve been thinking about this too. Say you’ll do it only if it’s with another man. Then maybe you’ll consider it with another woman.
If this is a deal breaker for you, say so. Don’t sugar coat, or downplay it.
He can have a threesome when he adds “ex” to his title as husband.
Ask him if he’s got a girl in mind. If he’s pushing harder for it it could well mean he’s got someone in mind and he’s trying to find an okay way to have her in the bedroom
Sorry but the fact that he’s unwilling to drop it means that he’s willing to be unfaithful. If it’s not mutual and he doesn’t respect you when you say no that means he’s just wanting to do it for his own pleasure which means he’s not emotionally committed to you.
He’s basically just wanting your permission to be with someone else so he doesn’t have to feel guilty.
Your not comfortable that’s the end of discussion
Well, this is something that you need to accept that he will never stop pushing about. And, if you are tired of his pushing your boundary, then you must take action. Tell him you are done discussing this issue and that if he continues to push you, then you will have to file for divorce because it has become a serious incompatibility issue. I know you feel that you love this man, but ask yourself, does he really love you if he doesn’t seem to respect your NO?
He’s wants to cheat sexually but doesn’t want to be stigmatized as a cheater. Guess what…he’s already cheated.
Nope. Not if ypu dont
Tell him that maybe you want to watch him with another man , see how he feels about that.
Tell him you want to see him be intimate with another man
Just because our partners want something, doesn’t mean we have to indulge it. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. No means no
This is a major form is disrespect. He cares more about his fantasy than your comfort, which is amazing major red flag. He should be turned on by your arousal and you’ve made it very clear that this is a hard no. You don’t need to “be clear”, he just isn’t listening because he doesn’t care.
I would spend some time reflecting on other areas of your life and see if he’s shown this behavior elsewhere.
You can tell him that his insistence makes you insecure about the fact that you are enough for him…
The couple will not be able to last if their vision of the couple must involve sharing your sexuality…
So you’ve said NO, multiple times and he keeps pushing it? Time for a divorce.
The last married couple I had a threesome with ended up divorced.
Tell him you want a treesome with another man first, watch his reaction…..
No kidding, no is no, simple as is.
He just wants to cheat with your approval. Funny how these fantasies are mostly from men wanting ffm and rarely ever mmf. Your husband ia an AH if he keeps bringing the topic up after you’ve said no. Tell him the only way he will experience it is after a divorce. Selfish AH
You are all your husband needs. A husband who loves his wife and puts her first, after putting God first, would not ask her to go against her conscience – to sin in an adulterous relationship. Stick to your guns. Tell him to put his fantasies in the fire because that’s where they belong.
It turns all men on, he’s not special in this fantasy. Tell him what you posted in your last paragraph, be firm open and honest.
Personally I can’t imagine bringing this up with any seriousness to my wife. Too much respect for her.
Just a curiosity but ..does he already have someone in mind? If so, do they speak regularly?
You might find some good advice in the blog about having difficult conversations. Good luck.
https://abbymedcalf.com/the-secret-to-difficult-conversations-2/
It’s time to change your tactics. No more explaining how you feel. He knows. He remembers. He’s pushing you on purpose. And it’s sexual coercion. Sexual coercion. Call it what it is. Firmly tell him “Asked and answered!” Refuse to engage in any more discussion about it. You deserve an emotionally safe marriage, too!!! He can work through his feelings about it in individual counseling if he needs to. And while he’s there, figure out why he thinks it’s okay to sexually coerce his wife.
I have a threesome most every night. The two women I live with I love and they love me. We have been committed for a while. This is not what your husband is asking for.
He wants a one-time uncommitted sex party to fulfill a fantasy.
If you can separate just sex from your relationship then it could work. If not you will feel betrayed and it will ruin your marriage.
Be prepared tho. Most men have this fantasy. Give in once and you will be doing it again, many times.
All men WANT a threesome. Tell him you want another man not a woman- see what says!!
Listen, my wife just left my ass and has a new fuck buddy. So I’m probably not in the best place to give advice. However, we are very similar in terms of ages and time together. We are in our early 30s and married for 8 years. I ignored a ton of red flags. I ignored things signals she was sending me that our marriage would end exactly as it has. He’s not asking for you to go watch a movie you find completely uninteresting. I get having to make sacrifices in marriage and doing things for your partner that you don’t want to do. This is not one of those times.
You have said no. To something that makes you physically ill. First of all, go scour Reddit and see what happens when couples open their marriages and only one person wanted it and their partner begrudgingly gave in. Yeah, just look and see what happens to those relationships.
My best advice which I think is solid is go to a therapist with him. Sit down. Express your thoughts and feelings. I’m not saying throw your marriage down the drain. However, I am saying to go speak in an environment that lacks judgment, opens up the ability to have freedom of expression in a safe space, and have someone that can validate both of your feelings but can help both of you navigate what this means for both of you.
Someone is going to lose either way.
If he gets what he wants, you may have irreparable trauma.
If you get what you want, he may grow resentful or seek out this fantasy in other ways.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. It isn’t fair. Don’t do something you will not feel comfortable with. Stand firm. Seek help professionally. I hope it works out for both of you
STOP WATCHING PORN
I’m the same age. We grew up in the Wild West of adult materials. I think this has a massive impact on a lot of us and our ideas of healthy sexual relationships.
I love your last paragraph. I do wonder though if there is room for him to expand a lot on his fantasy of what HE IMAGINES seeing. But only for fantasy purposes, not because it will ever happen. Lots of fantasy stuff can remain just that and never be literally acted on.
Tell him you know a guy that might be interested.
Would he be willing to be with another man if u asked? What’s his reaction?
Tell him you want to see him with another man and see how he feels about that.
Start suggesting guys to bring home. See how that goes, tell him you want to see him get boned.
Marriage is over -imo
>The truth is, I just don’t want that.
Then that’s that. You’re sorry, you just don’t want it, and that’s final. Cool?