I’m a 26F married to 26M, we’ve been together 8 years and married for 2. My husband has always been sweet, generous and empathic to not only me but anyone I’ve ever seen him interact with. Problem is, he doesn’t manage his anger/stress well. Granted he works 13hrs 5-6 days a week and is under immense stress at work and with his family which I understand. He sometimes handles problems really well, but other times he’ll just blow up and yell & throw whatever he’s holding or kick it etc. It’s never thrown toward me or anyone but it’s still pretty scary to witness. It makes me not able to look at him the same for a day or 2 afterwards and as it happens more it’s making me lose my attraction to him when I picture him being like that. I just can’t fathom being so mad to blow up that way. To clarify, the problems he gets mad about aren’t between us, just life. We’ve talked about it before and he wants to improve but I’ve seen very little change & therapy hasn’t come up before. I researched and found a good one I just don’t know if I should ask him to go or not cause I can’t decide if this is normal. I feel bad thinking it but sometimes I just feel like he’s being so immature, because I’m also pretty upset about the problem occurring but I don’t react like him.
TL;DR: my husband occasionally blows up and throws things when extremely overwhelmed and stressed and it’s starting to affect us & making me lose my attraction to him. I want to support my partner but I’m kinda tired of it.
Comments
I doubt he’s kicking and throwing things at work. I doubt he’s screaming at his boss. It’s a lie that he can’t control himself. He’s just choosing to take it out at you.
This man is not sweet, he’s a loose cannon. That makes him dangerous.
Imagine having a child and having him act this way around them. That’s abuse.
You both need a therapist, immediately. do not just stay here on reddit. go right now and find therapy providers in your city.
I just dealt with my anger issues recently. It was tied to a lot of past pain I hadn’t properly processed but just ignored or avoided or tried to soothe with comforting things for decades. I had to come to terms with it myself after feeling like I pushed away everyone around me, even my fiancé. I strongly recommend therapy because I feel like I wouldn’t have had to hit rock bottom like I did to finally start making changes and rewire my brain.
I think therapy is a phenomenal idea. Tell him that you would like to get some therapy together just to be able to gain the tools to communicate better. It doesn’t mean your marriage is falling apart, it’s just maintenance, like an oil change on your car. If you never change the oil in your car you will blow it up
It’s not normal. It sounds like he is under too much stress with the amount of hours he works, plus family stuff. Ideally, you two should work together to find a way to reduce that stress. In addition to that, he needs to work on this reaction.
It’s good that he wants to work on it. Now he just has to figure out how to work on it. Therapy is probably a good place to start. I’m guessing that he would need to work on building a new habit of what to do in that very first second when the anger hits.
People are allowed emotions and unfortunately men are usually conditioned to only show this one. I used to have a partner that used to get mad at me for getting angry. Its used to be annoying like am I not allowed to get angry? Its actually ok to get angry.
You’re right to be concerned and I advise you to trust your gut feeling here since this is a long relationship and I understand you can’t just up and leave. At any point have you felt unsafe? Has he yelled at you ever- in fights? I understand there are big stressors in his life but there have to be better ways to deal with it, maybe he needs some outlet to get all the pent up energy out – not sure what that’d be since he works long hours and may not get time to take up a hobby or exercise or even see friends, things to cool down basically. Growing up with an angry dad I always steer clear from guys who show signs of anger so I’m hyper aware of this kind of stuff and have never felt drawn to guys that express anger in a loud manner
Tell him that his outbursts are scary to you. Explain that you understand that he isn’t mad at you and he is understandabley stressed, but that he is creating a bad environment for both of you. Therapy needs to happen. A lot of times, men who are experiencing depression or anxiety can express this outwardly as anger. I think this might be the case here.
It’s up to you what boundaries you want to set and to decide how you want to handle it, but if you believe that he would never turn his anger onto you, and if he is willing to do therapy and seek help, I would reaccess accordingly.
How can you not decide if this is normal or not? What exactly is tipping the scales on these thoughts bc it’s not fkn normal. Nor do you want to deal with that bullshit for the rest of your life.
My partner had outbursts like this and it’s something we’ve had to work on consistently and address with therapy when financially viable. It was honestly like dealing with a toddler having a tantrum. Eventually though, we worked really hard together and he started to understand the consequences of his actions, how it affects me and our relationship, and started learning how to control his anger. I also worked with him to understand how he can ask for support, and what boundaries we can set. For example, I’m really aware of his signs and he trusted me to know when he was on the verge of outburst. So we have a code word and phrases for when he’s getting too agitated (“I think you might need to take a moment”) so he can implement some management techniques like going in separate rooms.
Outbursts were always directly correlated to his stress level and how well he’s been able to take care of himself (eating enough, sleeping enough, etc.). Anger is usually the tip of the iceberg, and the anger is really something bigger underneath.
He’s improved to the point of no longer having any outbursts at all, and knowing to step aside and handle his emotions without letting the rage kick in, even after the hardest days. It’s possible for this behavior to change.
There are many comments suggesting he’s dangerous or something similar. None of these people know him but you. He’s never hurt anyone? Yelled at people? All no’s? You’re in the clear. It sounds like he’s overwhelmed and really needs support and perhaps guidance in how to release this emotion better. I’d suggest the gym, a sport even. Therapy? Sure! It isn’t a one size fits all thing, so if the first one doesn’t gel with him, it doesn’t mean he’s resistant, it just means he may have to look a little more for a proper fit. You’re the closest person he has in his life. Act like it. Encourage and guide him to support and you get some for yourself, too. I hope it all works out 😃
Is their a reason he has to work so much?
Do whatever you want, but do not have children with this man.
I would also lose attraction to a man who throws temper fits like a toddler. This is absolutely unacceptable from a whole ass ADULT; it’s pathetic. You’re his wife not his mom; you shouldn’t have to patiently teach him how to regulate his emotions like a literal 3-year-old. As if he, at the age of 26, doesn’t already know how.
It’s more infuriating when you realize that he KNOWS how to act right and CHOOSES not to — he’s not throwing things in the office or screaming at random cashiers when you’re out in public. He might not be angry at you specifically, but he DOES get angry with you specifically, in private, because for whatever reason he does not accord you the same respect as anyone else in his life. Even when he’s not yelling at you, he’s taking it out on you with these little temper tantrums of his. That’s not how you treat an equal partner. It’s so disrespectful tbh.
His work hours sound horrible. I get being stressed. He can do what the rest of us do and scream into a pillow in private so he doesn’t scare you. He can go for a long run, he can throw a ball, whatever. I’d say that if you plan it, he can even destroy some stuff in the backyard or the garage, since sometimes it’s cathartic. But the point is, it becomes toxic when he throws and breaks things spontaneously and in front of you, because at that point it’s not just about the catharsis of stress relief — it’s about intimidating and scaring another person. It’s manipulative. Don’t tolerate this shit.
I can only speak for myself (41m) but I act like this a day or two after my weekly TRT shot. Is he on any supplemental Testosterone either illicitly or prescribed?
You need to tell him that is scares you when he does that, and it makes you look at him differently. He needs to find another way to let it out. Even if that means just going into the other room to kick something.
He probably thinks this is totally normal and how upset people act at home. You need to tell him it isn’.
My partner became like this once he started taking testosterone.
Assuming your partner is cis- has he gotten his hormones checked?
Also, with my partner he is autistic and the throwing things was part of a melt down. I told my partner that if he throws anything else im moving out. And that he needs to start therapy. He has started- its much better now.
Dude needs therapy but more than anything he needs to work less. Are you saying every week he’s working 60-80 hours plus commute time? Of course he’s got a short fuse he wakes up, goes to work, comes home, sleeps, and repeats. He has no time to decompress especially if what little off-work hours he has are taken over by family drama. Sounds like his waking moments are entirely stress right now
You definitely need to bring therapy up and insist on him going as a condition of your continued relationship. He needs therapy to deal with his emotions and anger issues. I’d also suggest therapy for you to help you process this etc.