Okay…. this one is a doozy.
My husband’s older brother is having a destination wedding in Europe. This has been decided over a year ago, it was decided even when it came to light that my FIL and MIL could not go because of health reasons.
When the suggestion to have a small ceremony where we live was brought up it was gently brushed over.
I learned from a second party about the wedding date and the fact that invites were already sent out ….not the bride or groom themselves.
We have also not received an invite and neither have my MIL and FIL.
I am someone who does not just assume that I am invited, however I also will not chase after someone for an invite. If you want me to go you’ll ask but if you don’t want me to go I’m cool either way. I don’t want to be where I am not invited or welcome.
However given the fact that I have a job, it being overseas means needing to book tickets and a hotel… it has become a great source of anxiety for me.
I have been invited to the bridal shower. I still have no wedding invite. No one else has received any kind of invite either. When I brought to light that I thought it was a little strange that I was receiving an invite to the bridal shower before the wedding invite, my brother-in-law’s fiance was surprised to hear this.
I’m not sure what to do here. You guys always have such solid advice. I have preemptively booked off a couple weeks from my job just in case but at a certain point I can’t afford to take that much off without the certainty that I’ll actually be going.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Okay…. this one is a doozy.
My husband’s older brother is having a destination wedding in Europe. This has been decided over a year ago, it was decided even when it came to light that my FIL and MIL could not go because of health reasons.
When the suggestion to have a small ceremony where we live was brought up it was gently brushed over.
I learned from a second party about the wedding date and the fact that invites were already sent out ….not the bride or groom themselves.
We have also not received an invite and neither have my MIL and FIL.
I am someone who does not just assume that I am invited, however I also will not chase after someone for an invite. If you want me to go you’ll ask but if you don’t want me to go I’m cool either way. I don’t want to be where I am not invited or welcome.
However given the fact that I have a job, it being overseas means needing to book tickets and a hotel… it has become a great source of anxiety for me.
I have been invited to the bridal shower. I still have no wedding invite. No one else has received any kind of invite either. When I brought to light that I thought it was a little strange that I was receiving an invite to the bridal shower before the wedding invite, my brother-in-law’s fiance was surprised to hear this.
I’m not sure what to do here. You guys always have such solid advice. I have preemptively booked off a couple weeks from my job just in case but at a certain point I can’t afford to take that much off without the certainty that I’ll actually be going.
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Why isn’t your husband picking the phone up and clarifying this with his brother?
Just go ahead and have your husband call his brother. He can just say he needs the info so he can book things.
Why did fiancé act all surprised, but didnt give you an invite via WhatsApp like immediately???
It’s very likely there was a failure with the mail here. The fact that no one in your circle has received one is a big red flag that something went wrong.
Also, why wasn’t any confusion about whether or not you are invited cleared up when you spoke to your BIL’s fiance aka THE BRIDE? There’s no way she doesn’t know who’s on the guest list.
Your husband and his brother’s relationship is very odd. If he can’t even ask if you are invited, I assume the relationship isn’t strong enough to expect an invite to a destination wedding.
I would assume that you are not invited to the wedding. If you want to go to the bride’s event, then go and have fun. Then plan your holiday for the year. I don’t think you need to save the time or money for the wedding.
Either he’s dumb at sending mail, or he doesn’t want y’all there. I can’t really see there being anything else to it.
This is such an unnecessary drama. Just ask him for crying out loud!
In my family: we are invited for everything, even without getting a formal invite. When my brother got married , and when my sister got married i didnt get a invite through the mail. We knew we were invited because we see and talk to each other a lot. Maybe that is the case here also?
Btw i am in europe , our weddingculture is different than the usa.
I swear half the “drama” on here could be easily avoided if people just grew up and used their words.
I bet BIL was in charge of sending invites to his side, and just hasn’t got around to it yet. My fella had a coin made that said TO IT. It was a round TO IT.
You’re not invited..
Let it go.
And no idea why they would send a bridal shower invite.
Back in the day invitations went out six weeks before, maybe they haven’t been sent yet.
Be happy you don’t have to attend, or give a present.
I wouldn’t go to the bridal shower if I wasn’t invited to the wedding. That’s just a cash grab you have to dress up for.
Because of time limitations, I’d consider
askasking to clarify,yellingtelling the couple it’s not a request for an invitation from them, just to clarify the need for any time off. If not invited, tellbetyou decline the bridal shower invitation. It’s bad etiquette to invite anyone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding.Edited typos.
No invite to wedding, no attendance to wedding-related stuffs. Your husband needs to discuss this w his brother, not you.
I wouldn’t bother. No invite means you weren’t wanted there. Either she has a problem with his family or he does. I’d let it be and walk away.
As for vacation from work, can’t you cancel the blocked time and just go in?
Edit to add if neither of you are willing to pin his brother down regarding an answer, just drop it and stop worrying about it. You aren’t invited.
If you were invited then they would probably be chasing for a reply. If the groom has invited friends etc then he’s done it on purpose and you’re not invited. If he’s just being an incompetent man then likely he’s forgotten to send them to everyone then you should chase but either way, if the bride knows her invites have been sent and replied to but she’s looking at a list from his side and hasn’t clocked his side hasn’t replied then that’s just weird. I’d sack it off and save your money. Doesn’t sound like you’re invited, stop worrying and get in with your life.
You need to tell the bride that no one has been invited from the grooms side. Since the groom has been vague & hasn’t give you an answer on why you don’t have an invitation, you are assuming no one from his side is invited at all. You want to support them but without a wedding invitation you will not be attending any showers or pre wedding events. It sounds like the bride & groom are not on the same page about the guest list.
You are not invited to the wedding and the bridal shower is a gift grab. RSVP No and get on with life. Save your PTO for a vacation.
Being invited to a shower but not the wedding is either a massive gift grab or a huge conversation that is about to come up between the bride and groom.
I’m assuming the wife doesn’t want his family there and he’s being a simp
I think being invited to the shower is your opening to ask why are you invited to the shower but not the wedding. I think your husband should also be having a heart to heart with his brother on this. It would be interesting to know if their stories align.
Start a group chat with BIL and his fiance. Send a message saying that you haven’t received an invite yet and need to know what’s happening if they expect you to be able to book your travel in time. Make it clear if you haven’t heard anything back within the next few days you will assume you are not invited and cancel your time off work.
It may be there is a particular issue or it may just be that BIL is majorly slacking on his side of the wedding preparations, the fiancé may not even realise he hasn’t sent his invites out yet.
Since you and your husband are choosing to be passive about this, you should for your own sanity forget about going to the wedding. Let them know neither you nor your husband will be attending, since it seems your presence is not wanted. It sounds like this may be what your brother in law wants, anyway. Then, your brother should reassess his relationship with his brother. Definitely do not attend the shower either. It’s incredibly tacky of them to send you an invite for gifts but not for your presence on their special day.
“Hey bro, I wanted to let you know that our parents and my wife and I never got invitations to the wedding. No big deal if you don’t want us to come, but if you were assuming we got them , I didn’t want you standing at the alter thinking we all abandoned you.”
Put the ball in his court.
Brother could be thinking everyone got an invitation but his fiance is sneaky and didn’t invite his side of the family… or something else happened which caused some invites to be lost.
I dont see why you cant just ask him. He is either terrible at this stuff or really inconsiderate. This is the message I would send. “Hey, know you are busy and probably stressing out over your wedding. We didn’t receive the invitation, maybe it got lost in the mail. If we are not invited, we respect your decision. If we are, can you please give us the details in the next day or two so we can plan and book things like flights and hotel? Let us know. Thanks.”
Hey BIL, I just want to confirm we’re not invited to the wedding (no worries if that’s the case). I will not be able to get time off work without plenty of notice.
Yeah, this is why invitations are sent by INE person, or the couple together. BIL sounds totally disorganized. Or, maybe he’s an ass and doesn’t WANT his family there. Or maybe he’s a really nice guy and decided not to put anyone out (expense, time off, etc.) No matter why, he needs to SAY his intent.
I agree with above Redditors. Get them BOTH together and ASK. Don’t demand. Just say, if we’re not invited, that’s cool. We indeed the expense for you. But really, we need to know, yes, or no.
You can even do it quietly and privately if you’re so damed worried about causing an uproar.
Jeez.
Sounds like from your OP and your comments there’s a major communication issue with your BIL/Husband/FIL etc. has that always been there? Talk to your husband, if he can’t or won’t for whatever reason talk to his brother and this is actually important to you BOTH then you reach out via group text including your husband. Don’t ask about the parents or any other family. Just you two. Don’t let BIL give non answers. State you’re fine just knowing the date/location for now because you have to make arrangements.
Btw I cannot stand people who act like this. You were obviously important enough for the shower soooooo yeah.
You were invited to the bridal shower. And the bride is going to be your sister-in-law.
Ask her if there’s a reason you haven’t received a wedding invitation. Not in an accusatory way, but be direct, since they seem to be going around the subject.
Personally, if I wasn’t invited to the wedding I wouldn’t be going to the shower or giving a gift. This is ONLY in this scenario where it’s the grooms brother that doesn’t even know. But if it’s FAMILY and they can’t be bothered? Then neither could I.
Updateme
If he wanted you there you would have received a invite
Was she surprised that you didn’t get an invitation to wedding or surprised that you shouldn’t be invited to bridal shower if you’re not invited to the wedding?
What to do? Life your life. If you didn’t get an invitation, YOU’RE NOT INVITED. You’re not willing to ask and you’re giving yourself anxiety about someone who clearly doesn’t care.
Just straight up ask them if you are invited because you haven’t received the wedding invite. It would be odd to be invited to the shower and not the wedding. Report back to us.
The bride was informed that invites were not sent.
Her inaction —- is an action.
I would no chase an invite. And I would def not attend the gift grab.
Cancel your time off and don’t put another bit of effort into this. If it was important for you to be there then you’d already have an invite.
Why not just pick up the phone, or go to the brother and communicate with him?!
Your in-laws do not need to know.
But you should find out if the invites were lost or if you truly aren’t invited.
This isn’t some friend or coworker, it’s immediate family.
So remove the stubborn “I don’t care if you want me or not”, and make a phone call!!
This is absolutely ridiculous and sounds very high school.
Husband needs to grow up and ask.
If it’s no, then decide if you want to attend the shower.
If it’s yes, then decide if you want to attend the shower.
Either way, get an answer and remove the anxiety.
Maybe it’s going to be one of those “bridal showers surprise this is actually the wedding!” thing?
The poor fiancé! It sounds like she is about to marry a guy too disorganized to send wedding invitations. Please op make sure she is aware your brother is messing up big time.
If you’re not invited to the wedding then don’t go to the shower. I understand that you’ve tentatively asked for time off from work but, if a late invitation comes and you feel too stressed out to make firm arrangements then politely decline and let them know you didn’t have enough advance notice to be able to go. Hopefully your workplace will allow you to change your plans and take other time off instead.
Maybe they don’t want others to go with? Not that hard to understand that side. Let them do them, it’s not about you or anyone else. If I would get married we’d go off ourselves and leave everyone out of it. I hate the idea of marriage so it wouldn’t happen even though he proposed 11 years ago, but that’s what I’d do. My brother came back to our small town to get married and didn’t tell anyone, he didn’t want our mom there so we weren’t told either. Oh well, his own choice and I respected that.
Your husband needs to call his brother and say, “Hey, the wedding is getting closer. We haven’t received an invite yet. I wasn’t sure if we need to be expecting one. If not, that’s totally fine. But if you’d like us to come we need to know because we have to book time off work and plane tickets. We just need to know one way or the other. Thanks!”
If his brother cannot give a direct yes or no to a clear ask then tell him you won’t be able to attend. All this drama is unnecessary.
Don’t go to the bridal shower.
When I got married I got fussed at by one of my friends, I sent my invites out like, 3-4 months before the wedding and that was too early according to her. It was only supposed to be 6 weeks before the wedding. I had family that was traveling. We hadn’t done save the date cards, so I send them out as soon as they were done.
Since when has the bride been responsible for sending out her side of the family invites and the groom his? That’s a lot of nonsense.
Sounds like you’re not invited. Tell your husband to nut up and call his brother, otherwise the only reasonable assumption here is that you’re not wanted.
To be honest if it was me I’d be direct but not confrontational.
Send a WhatsApp that just says
“Thank you for the bridal shower invite. I was surprised to receive this before the wedding invite. As the wedding is abroad, if you would like us to attend we need to make our personal plans such as vacation time, so I wanted to check that we are in fact invited and if we can have the invite details”
No judgement, no pushiness, just an “are we invited?”
All this pussy footing around is ridiculous. No one here is a child. Ask directly. And if they give a vague answer just reply “are we invited or not?”
It would seem someone could send their brother a message saying “hey, was I supposed to be going to your wedding, because I never got an invitation? Not mad at you, but let me know in case so I can plan accordingly.”
If the brother ignores that, you have your answer.
If you don’t feel comfortable sending that maybe you aren’t close enough
You and your husband need to grow up, not run to Reddit.
So your brother has had the invites since December . So all he has to do is send them . So ask your brother . See how everything can be answered if you ask Your Brother .
Your options are your husband asks what’s up or you aren’t going. It sounds like you aren’t invited and you are coming up with excuses on why or why not. This honestly reads like a whole lot of missing reasons.
Jfc. You have a very easy and polite way of asking which is ” hey we need to organise flights and accommodation for your wedding but haven’t received the details.”
Your brother should be doing this.
This is the most infuriating post.
Sounds like a gift grab
Fucking ask! He is family.
If you dont grow up and dont ask, do the bridal shower but no present. If the question is asked, tell them you are bringing it to the wedding.
Time to get blunt, “hey, we’re ok either way, because it’s your wedding, but we need to know if we are invited?” If you still get a non answer, then it’s a deadline, “well we need to know by xxx, in order to get time off from work and book flights.”
Then just wait for deadline, if it passes, you have your answer.
Your cool either way but it’s giving you anxiety…..
Just use your words like any grown adult and talk it out if you are invited or not.
And if bride was confused maybe they got lost in transit
Time to put your big girl/boy pants on
Tell your husband to get off his arse and find out from his brother what’s going on.
Ask?
Sounds like you are not invited, and neither is your husband. But it sounds like the bride still wants your gift/ money hence the invite to the bridal shower and not the wedding. In my experience the bride is responsible for all invites because she is usually the one keeping up with counts/budgets or keeping in touch with planner for same reasons. Either way you need to ask, idk what drama would come about just from asking. If it’s No, then you shouldn’t be surprised. If it’s yes, take the time off and show up if you still wish too, just move accordingly. But sitting around trying to guess or not is a waste of time. Quite frankly that could cause drama if they expect you there and you don’t show up all because you didn’t ask. Just phrase it as you haven’t received dates/ details on the wedding. You wanted to know if you were invited or not so you can plan accordingly, if you still get a vague answer, the answer is NO.
I suspect it’s a destination wedding for just the 2 of them, possibly with 2 witnesses. Someone needs to just ask them. It’s not like it’s just you excluded so it shouldn’t feel rude.
Could always have been lost in the mail! Have your husband call his brother and ask. Then at least you’ll know either way.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s giving you the brush off. If you were invited and would surely have said ‘if course you are invited!’. That wierd comment about not wanting to overstep almost makes it sound like she’s blaming hubby to be for not inviting you and thinks he should be the one to tell you so she’s fudging it till then. Her inviting you to the before party is either saying ‘hey I’m still friends with you despite hubby not inviting you’ or it’s a desire to get a gift out of you before you find out you aren’t coming.
lol let me make it clear , y’all probably not invited atp
Most destination weddings are crazy indulgent on the part of the bride & groom. Whatever happened to honeymoons? Why do people need to drag their friends and family 1/2 way across the planet?
I think it’s WEIRD that they handled the invitations separately. And as vague as your BIL is being – honestly, I’d just stop asking and I’d assume you aren’t invited. No one is THIS disorganized. There is something else going on.
Stop chasing this. Assume you aren’t invited. If in a week, a month, 6 weeks – suddenly you get an invitation, just RSVP “no”. (Unless you REALLY want to jump through hoops). You say your husband and brother are close. Yeah…. I don’t think they are. I suspect you all “see” something that isn’t there, TBH. If they were actually close – none of this would be happening.
Your husband needs to reach out to his brother and say hey dude, we haven’t gotten a wedding invite. What’s up? Not you. Your husband. It’s his brother.
Two months out? For a destination wedding?
That’s a no for me. Even if I got one I’d tell them straight up no.
Maybe next time send them out sooner so people can PLAN. Have fun, hope things go well. See ya when you get back.
I find it very strange your BIL was the best man at your wedding yet you and your husband aren’t even invited to his, a very honest sit down conversation is needed here cos either way it’s going to cause stress for the parents. Updateme