MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of drugging, S/A, Grape, and child loss
I wanted to give that warning before I even talk about what I just read.
So, hi, I’m a 32-year-old woman and today I realized I am not as healed as I thought I was.
So, I went on Facebook, and I see husband’s cousin make a post saying the following: “Women on tiktok talking about what they want for Mother’s Day when they had abortions and no living children is wild.” I never thought a post would heavily trigger me since going to therapy for years, but I went into a severe panic attack and broke down sobbing my eyes out and shaking so bad I couldn’t breathe. In 2009, I was drugged by my ex-boyfriend and he brutally graped me, causing severe damage to my private area. His attack caused damage to my right ovary, which they deemed was unable to be fixed. They tried surgery, but they said it probably will not work ever again. Well, in 2015, I found out I was pregnant at 9 1/2 weeks and I wound up miscarrying the baby and I hemorrhaged and needed to be admitted and had to get an ultrasound. I found out two days after I lost my baby and found out the embryo was planted on the right side (the damaged ovary). I completely lost it. The doctor told me that the ovary was not able to keep the baby, and I was recommended to remove it so it didn’t happen again. To this day, I blame my ex for taking everything from me and I went to therapy for years, I went through group therapy, women centers, etc. I spoke to other women who lost a baby and thought I was better.
During this time, about 2 years ago, I found out I also have PCOS, and it made it even harder for me to have kids. I am currently being monitored for the day I want to try again and have a baby. My fiance, 33M, has been an angel throughout this. Every year, he makes me a card for Mother’s Day, both from him and from our cats. He always reminds me that I am a mother, and my baby is watching over me. Well, I was scrolling through Facebook, and I saw his cousin make that post and I honestly had no words. I’m still shaking from it. I just needed to get it off my chest and I needed some reassurance that I am not alone or overreacting here. I didn’t have the energy to comment because I knew if I commented, I would be getting into a screaming match with his cousin and I was not going to hurt myself even more trying to justify someone else’s views.
Comments
You have every right to feel that way, that’s an extremely rude and unemotional thing to say. Clearly he has no regard for others and their experiences.
I just want to make sure I read this right, you’re not upset with your husband right? Idk if I just read it wrong, just the cousin we’re talking about here right?
If so yea screw that dude, a parent, ESPECIALLY THE MOTHER, who have lost children, that’s a wound no one will ever be able to heal, it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s truly one of the most painful things a human can experience. I’m sorry for you and your husbands loss.
Lastly I just wanna ask if the cousin was making a remark about people who have had abortions talking about Mother’s Day, that’s not the problem it’s the talking about mothers of children that have passed. I am not trying to start a fight but someone having an abortion and asking for Mother’s Day gifts, that’s a bit odd. Idk situations or personal experience just trying to figure out everything.
Her post had nothing to do with you. Block it out.
I’m a mother to living and nonliving children. Mother’s Day is your day too. I’m glad you have a nice sounding fiancé who acknowledges it for you!
Ignore the cousin, don’t give a rise to anything stupid they wrote it’s a waste of your time and energy. Be good to yourself, let the anger go when you can
I have living and nonliving children. That doesn’t mean I only had two children, I had six.
I don’t think that post was aimed at you but regardless it hurt to see. Your feelings are valid and sometimes grief hits us in weird ways at the least expected times. It’s ok to be hurt and upset. Take the time to yourself on Mother’s Day to perhaps do a small memorial if you’re up for it to find some peace
You had a baby who tragically did not survive. You are a mother. The cousins post doesn’t even apply to you, as you did not have an abortion. I am so sorry for the trauma you have been through and for the loss of your child.
Just so you know, women with just one ovary get pregnant all the time. My sister is one of them. The other ovary takes over and you ovulate on that side every month (I also have just one ovary). Women with PCOS also have babies all the time! Sometimes they require some help, but you have every reason to have hope that this will happen for you one day, when you’re ready ♥️
Me? I’d never speak a civil word to that cousin ever again. Block delete so I never have to see her hateful, judgemental posts ever again.
Though I do agree it’s wild to hear women expecting Mothers Day gifts and glory when they’re…not mothers or not expecting.
You are right, and I’m sorry they said that.
But what’s the point of saying Grape? I don’t get it
I want to tell you this. You are a mother still. When a woman is pregnant the DNA from the developing baby changes her and is in her blood forever. You still carry life in your veins.
I’d never speak to that cousin again. Stillbirth and miscarriages are hell. I’ve only had the latter and it was still hard as hell. I send love and hugs.
What a bitter nasty person. I am so so terribly sorry for your loss. She doesn’t deserve a single second of your attention.
Just fyi, you don’t need to say grape here. That’s just a TikTok thing. Also, what do you mean “the embryo was [im]planted on the right side (the damaged ovary)” and “the doctor told me that the ovary was not able to keep the baby”? Ovaries don’t “keep” pregnancies, the uterus does that. And pregnancies aren’t supported by one ovary or the other based on what side of the uterus they implant on, people with one ovary have successful pregnancies every day, so this just doesn’t make any sense. Do you perhaps mean it was an ectopic pregnancy or something? Did the doctor maybe say, for example, that there was scar tissue from the attack or something blocking your fallopian tube, so the fertilized egg implanted there on the right side instead of in the uterus where it’s supposed to be??? I’m sorry, but that part of this story just doesn’t make any sense as written.
And why are you shaking because of what some idiot person wrote on Facebook? Why does their opinion even matter on something like this? If you consider yourself a mother bc of your previous pregnancy and loss, then that’s the absolute end of the discussion, and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. Who cares what some jackass posts on FB if you know your own truth, literally why does it matter?? Even if it’s your fiancé’s cousin, literally who gives a shit? Just don’t interact with them or invite that person around anymore if they’ve got shitty opinions that are hurtful to you. It’s literally that simple ?? And clearly your fiancé supports you and agrees with how you feel since he recognizes you every year, so like what’s the actual issue here??? Why is this person’s opinion so important that it causes a physical reaction for you??? Bc tbh it’s absolutely a bit of an overreaction to get all worked up to the point of shaking just because of what someone wrote online.
I would argue that if you were actually confident and settled in your identity as a mother, you’d read something like that and just rolls your eyes and move on with your day. It wouldn’t prompt such a huge reaction from you. The fact that it did strongly suggests you still have some major unresolved issues with all of this, including with respect to whether or not you truly identify yourself as a mom. Which is of course completely understandable and only human after everything that you’ve been through and endured, and more importantly is worth going back to therapy again to continue addressing. But I think part of you is still defending to yourself that you’re actually a mom, and that’s why this person’s statement upset you so much. At the end of the day, if you think you’re a mom based on everything you experienced, then you’re a mom. But you need to actually believe that for yourself, and the fact that this person’s post was able to upset you so much suggests that maybe you actually don’t believe it, or at least not 100%. And that’s important and worth working out for yourself. Trauma is hard and takes time to work through. But it’s worthwhile for your own peace of mind and mental peace, so you don’t fly off the handle like this every time some idiot says something insensitive or stupid on Facebook.
I have had 3 kids and only 2 made it. My “can’t make it to the finish line” baby was a girl. I have 2 boys and always wanted a girl.
If someone EVER told me that she didn’t matter…welp. We ain’t friends at that point. Because I think of her every single time I see the things she didn’t get, like dresses and dolls and motherfucking Tonka trucks.
If you went through pregnancy and consider your non-living child your child, then I think it is absolutely valid for you to celebrate Mother’s Day. There are no rules with these days so anyone who tries to gatekeep is just being shitty for no reason.
Well his mother shouldn’t celebrate too because she raised a monster
Mother’s day is when everyone who has a mother celebrates. Doesn’t matter if you have children or not. You have a mother and you celebrate having her. That’s the damn point
I don’t know if this is helpful especially while emotionally elevated about something so traumatic, but if this is somebody you otherwise get along with, try to remember their intent had nothing to do with anything even remotely close to your situation. They are clearly aggressively pro life and have tunnel vision about what that means.
As someone very pro choice, especially for your circumstance, I disagree with them and the fact they even posted that is stupid on many levels.
With that said, for your own mental well being, please know and understand it’s not aimed at you. You can choose to have nothing to do with them moving forward and that’s 100% okay that’s their problem not yours.
But for your sake, and your own peace, just know it wasn’t personal and wasn’t correct and really just… worlds apart from your experience.
They are wrong.
Well, he shouldn’t celebrate the anniversary of his graduation, because apparently he’s had a lobotomy and his frontal lobe got replaced by his dick.
How miserable and heartless does one have to be to say something like that?! You are that angels mother! Celebrate if you and your SO want it’s no one else’s business if you do things that mean so much to you! I hope you never allow her around you and your future babies! I’m so sorry you had to go through the miscarriage it’s super tough to do! I help everything in and just drank the memory away every day
I believe motherhood begins in pregnancy. You’re still a mother, and I’m sorry about your loss. You have every right to celebrate Mother’s Day. His cousin’s remark was callous and ignorant.
You are a mother. Period.
Not having a “living” baby doesn’t erase the pain, the love, or the part of you that carried that hope.
Anyone who says otherwise is either heartless, ignorant, or trying to validate their own shitty opinions at the expense of someone else’s trauma.
You’ve survived things most people couldn’t even comprehend.
Your story doesn’t need their approval — it already carries more weight, pain, and power than anything they’ll ever understand.
I see you. And you’re not overreacting. You’re just hurting. And you’re allowed to hurt.