I’m 30F married to my husband 32M together we have an 8-year-old son. We’ve known Eric for years now he’s my husband’s best friend. Until recently, I never thought twice about him being around our son (8M). But over the past year, I’ve noticed little things that just… don’t sit right with me.
He ruffles my son’s hair every time he sees him, comments on how “handsome” he’s getting, and brings him little gifts, candy, toys, sports stuff almost every visit. On the surface it seems harmless, but it’s constant.
The other day, he made a comment like, “You’re going to be a real heartbreaker soon,” and it just hit me wrong. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it felt… unnecessary?
I’ve mentioned it to my husband, but he says Eric is just being friendly and that I’m reading too much into it. I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything without reason, but my gut says the attention is too much, and my son has even started saying things like “I have to show Eric my new stuff” as if he’s trying to impress him.
I’m not sure if I should say something to Eric directly, or maybe limit their interactions, or just keep watching for now.
Has anyone else dealt with a friend who crosses boundaries in subtle ways?
Comments
I haven’t dealt with it. But reading about it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if it’s not sitting right with you, it’s time to establish clear boundaries with him. Does he engage in the same way with other people’s children or just yours?
Do not leave your son alone with that man. Your H needs to get a fucking clue. Send him over to one the abuse survivors subs, maybe he’ll find one there.
I think your gut is correct. I’m hearing the blasting, loud alarms. He sounds attracted to your son. I would do whatever you have to and keep your son away from him.
Could be perfectly innocent, as your husband believes. Or not, as you suspect. Setting some boundaries – like no touching, gifts only for birthdays and Christmas- and observing if they are respected is a good idea. If he won’t respect set boundaries get him out of your life (and your son’s life) ASAP.
I’m a guy and I think I would be worried. There’s a clear limit to these things. And it’s the ones you least suspect are where the issues are. I think you should ask your husband to try put boundaries in place with Eric. Why is Eric around so much? Does he have children of his own? Was Eric bullied or something as a child and trying to make up for this?
If you felt confident you could bring it up in a nice way? If he was genuine he would back right off- if a mother of a friend said something to me like “I know you bring a lot of gifts it’s very generous but please there is no need and it’s not good to spoil him, I don’t want him receiving un earned gifts so please stop and buy them for my husband instead!”. I’d totally respect it.
Does your son express any discomfort? If Eric was his uncle it might not bother you. Maybe Eric doesn’t have any other children in his life and feels close to yours? I don’t think he’s seriously crossing boundaries but comments about looks do make many people uncomfortable — and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. If you don’t like when he comments on your son’s looks or calls him a heartbreaker just tell him directly (not in front of your son) that you really don’t want your 8 old to hear things like that. Not what a young child needs to hear (for so many reasons). I think definitely worth mentioning this and watching everything else for now.
Gut instincts are powerful. They’re important. And mayyybbbeee your spidey-senses don’t have it quite right, but maybe they do.
I’d rather piss off “no-harm Eric” than be polite to “very wrong Eric”.
That heartbreaker talk sexualizes kids, I hate it. Definitely talk to your son as well about boundaries and privacy.
I don’t know…this doesn’t sound inappropriate to me. I feel like lots of people say those things to kids innocently. I guess I wouldn’t know how it sounds unless I heard it myself in person. I’d just pay attention to it like you would anyone to keep him safe, but based on the comments you mentioned, I think this is overthinking it a little bit
Pedophiles are often the ‘nicest’ people. Typically I wouldn’t worry about these incidences, ruffling hair and being friendly to your bestfriends kid is not a bad thing.
What worries me is your gut feeling. A womans intuition is EVERYTHING. Naturally be nice about it as you could be wrong but absolutely put boundaries. The consequences are just too great if you are right.
No sleepovers and no over nights, even with your hubby present (your hubby is clueless)
The most dangerous people for kids are people they know. Trust your mama intuition on this
Its called GROOMING. Shut that shit down and make it your hill to die on.
His it’s te second time this question has been post. The first like a year ago
Trust your instincts. Also, it’s pretty shitty that your husband has dismissed your concerns like this. You should talk to him again, a little more forcefully. You’re his wife, and this is your son. In my experience, people who take highly specific interests in children like this, being handsy and commenting about looks, always seem a bit off to me too. When I was a kid, I kept them at arm’s length, and as an adult, I would do the same with my own kids.
And, just to be clear, it’s OK for men to be kind to children. My son has an administrator at his school that he really looks up to. But that admin does not touch him or comment on his looks, he’s just really great with kids, making them feel heard, dealing with their frustrations, and leading fun school activities. He’s well-liked by all the kids for a reason and part of the reason is that he’s not super creepy.
Handle it – why are you posting on here for advice like it’s a paint color you need help w . This is your son
My issue is I feel 50/50. Could be perfectly innocent, could be grooming. Talk to your child about consent, listening to their intuition, having an open door policy for communication and buy those consent books for him. Keep an eye on the friend, don’t let them be alone and do everything you can to empower your child.
Trust your intuition! There’s a reason they call it mother’s intuition. Never leave your son alone with that man. It sounds like he’s grooming him. Also, you can approach the gift giving with your husband by saying that it sets a certain expectation for your son to constantly start expecting gifts and to tell his friend to stop.
It’s 100% your job to protect your son not make people feel comfortable. If possible, when friend arrives, off you go with your son to the playground, the grocery store, on a walk – whatever.
Oh nononononono. Even if Eric himself isn’t a problem, I wouldn’t want my kid being desensitized to being close to non-parental adults. So it’s a problem either way. Yes I’m paranoid, for good reason. This is a tale as old as time, op. Sad… disgusting… but true. He’s your husband’s friend, not your son’s. I’d keep them apart.
Better to be wrong about this guy and over protect rather than ignore your instincts and later not be able to undue the massive harm if it turns out you’re right.
90% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone known and trusted by the child or child’s family members.
Calling someone a heartbreaker denotes sexuality. You are right to be concerned.
How’s Eric with women?
Does he look at YOU when he gives him things abd says things to see if hes impressing YOU??? IF SO he may be trying to get to YOU thru him….just a guess
Maybe the guy had a shit time and is trying to create confidence I. Your kid out for genuine care
But more importantly listen to the gut Instincts loudly just be sensitive about it as it’s purely circumstantial
It’s a simple solution, just talk to Eric. Establish boundaries and get a feel for it. I’ve got friends that are closer than my own family. And I treat their children like my own. If I were to ever make any of them uncomfortable I would immediately stop. Sounds like he may just be an affectionate man, I sure as hell am. The important thing is if you’re uncomfortable communicate it. If he’s truly family, he won’t be offended at all and do everything he can to make all three of you comfortable.
You owe it to him to communicate it. A man can’t fix a problem he’s unaware of.
Wishing yall the best.
Everyone saying “just trust your gut” doesn’t realize just how hard a situation this is to be in socially. I had/have a very similar situation and I did make my feelings clear and shut that shit down, and now my in laws and that whole family hate me. I don’t regret it one bit, I’m always gonna protect my kids, but just be prepared for the fallout. It is what it is.
Be sure you are Always There!To be on the safe side ! He might just be an affectionate person who has fatherly tendencies! But always listen to your son and his feelings!
i would start creating a distance between eric and your son . the comments are making me feel weird about him .
Personally, if I ever got that feeling about someone, even with no proof, I’d probably never leave them alone with them again, better safe than sorry. Teach your son age appropriate consent, and make sure you are present whenever Eric is around.
No but I’m an auntie and that’s how I interact with my niblings
I fully understand the desire to be protective. But this isn’t a case where you’ve always been a little wary of your husband’s shady friend and you just want to protect your kids.
You said yourself that he’s never given you specific reason for it to bother you. I have known men that genuinely loved children but weren’t really able to interact with them because of the exact kind of suspicion that you have towards Eric evidently simply because he’s a man who likes your kid.
Now if he is actually done shady things that give you a bad vibe other than roughly your kids hair and spoiling him a bit that’s different. I’m not prepared to say you’re being an a** because protecting your child is the kind of thing you don’t get a second chance to get wrong. But if you consider Eric to be your own friend you need to really really dig deep on why you feel this way. If it is a legitimate feeling you probably should distance yourself from him
Gifts and frequent touching are stepstones of grooming behaviors.
Do not leave your child alone with your son’s friend. That includes even for 5-10 minutes alone in a room. If you have your senses tingling. listen to them. Notice if your son goes to an area of the house whether the friend follows him.
INFO: How often does Eric visit? ( daily, two three times a week, once a month?)
1. NEVER talk to Eric first without talking to your husband about it beforehand. Both of you should talk to Eric together. Tell him to please stop bringing your son gifts, you don’t want your son to start expecting them without having earned with them.
2. Ruffling the hair is no big deal, it’s part of the hello ritual that a lot of people do. The heartbreaker comment if it was a one-off a lot of people do that with their nieces and nephews or friend’s kids.
If the heartbreaker comment happens again, if you can can, talk to your husband ( give him a heads up) before you talk to Eric about it. Just tell him that you’re uncomfortable with it and you don’t want your son to start thinking in those terms of how handsome he is. Don’t say it’s inappropriate because you haven’t gotten to that yet level yet. As you said your post there’s nothing definitive but you’re just a little uncomfortable.
3. All, ALL 8yr olds want to show off their new toys or gadgets Etc. To ANYone who is not their parents. So no s*** he wants to show it to Eric.
On this particular situation I believe you are projecting your thoughts and feelings onto your son when you’re saying “as if he wants to impress Eric”
Please talk about consent and unwanted touching to your son.
“He’s gonna be a real heartbreaker”. I hate when people say that about children. There’s just something about the phrase that irks me. 🥴🥴
OP always trust your gut
This was posted yesterday and has since been deleted.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1mloily/aita_for_accusing_my_husbands_best_friend_of/
Nothing sounds weird about this at all lol. Remember most Reddit comments are from middle and high school kids.
I can see both sides, especially if Eric doesn’t have kids, thinks the compliments are simply encouragement or helping your son’s self esteem. There could be a lot of reasons and I hope it’s all innocent. I don’t have children so I definitely spoil my friend’s kids and my nieces and nephews. But I don’t generally compliment them unless I feel they need it as in reassurance.
Always listen to your intuition.
It’s ok to be watchful and ensure that the friend never has a moment alone with your kid. You can do this without being accusatory and without acting scared in any way. Blandly explain it’s your policy for all adults, if anyone ever challenges you about it.
By the looks of the comments in this thread, I can see there’s a generational divide when it comes to these situations.
I can’t tell you you’re right or wrong but… I do come from a generation where all that you described was not abnormal or inappropriate. I have seen countless grandfathers and other male adults, ruffle a boys hair – it’s old-fashioned and interpreted like a caring pat on the head. And the other things that you describe, my kids, who are now all over age 35, friends of ours, both male and female, have made plenty of comments like that. And they’ve over-indulged with gifts – all from a loving heart.
When it comes to sexual grooming today, I respect your generation because you’ve all been groomed to question everyone’s intent. It makes sense considering how messed up our world has become. If this was the priest at your church, I would have to err on the side of extreme caution, but this is your husband‘s best friend, and if he sees no concern, I would trust his judgment. Now as a mom, that doesn’t mean you turn your cheek. I would just be silent until there’s a reason not to be. Based on what you described, there’s no need at this point to create a situation that feels like an accusation. Even if this man is gay, it does not mean he’s a pedophile and attracted to an eight year-old boy. And if you grew up in a family environment with a lot of affection, you would be able to understand it better. When I met my current husband’s Italian family, they were all over the top touchy-feely. It’s who they are and how they were raised.
Can you imagine your best female girlfriend telling your son he’s gonna be a heartbreaker because he’s so handsome? I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about it. Can you imagine your best female girlfriend bringing your son gifts on a regular basis? I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about that either. Can you imagine your best female girlfriend hugging your son? Again, no second thought. Now can you imagine if your husband felt that her behavior was crossing inappropriate lines? You would think he’s crazy. And after you realize he’s not, you’d get mad at him and question his judgment.
Of course your job as parents is to protect your children. But I have to agree with another commenter and say that you are over analyzing things that are not uncommon. Not every woman has gut instincts that are reliable because each one of us has perceptions that aren’t always are accurate. So please be careful where you run with this ‘feeling’ you have. Try to use your intelligence over your emotions… Because your brain will never steer you in the wrong direction, but your heart will. If you’re wrong, you’re not only losing a good friend, but your best friend aka husband may not be so forgiving towards his crazy wife.
Sounds like grooming.
I hate comments about appearance and I don’t let friends or family do much of it. We like brave strong kind thoughtful funny, not pretty
Maybe he’s just a dude who loves kids?
If it was the same behavior from a woman, how would you feel?
Did? this friend ever expressed any red pill like opinions
I work with adult survivors of childhood, sexual abuse and there are a lot of red flags here. There’s no way to know for sure but your instincts are important. Please lean into that and don’t be persuaded by this “nice guy.”
Adult survivor of child S/A here. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Usually our subconscious detects minor behavior anomalies that we normally just shrug off. By the sound of what you’re describing, your son is be groomed to be S/A’d by a minor attracted person aka pedophile. He may have already told him to keep secrets from mom and dad. I would also discuss your concerns with your husband and possibly do a background check online. Pedophiles aren’t strangers in 99% of child S/A cases. They are your pastor, best friend even camp counselors and teachers and unfortunately in some cases a parent. In my case it was a parent, a boyfriend of my mom’s and my mom’s best friend’s husband. I had to go through counseling to get through what I endured for years from age 7-12. Your gut is telling you this guy is shady. Trust it. If your husband won’t listen, advocate for your son. Go to the cops and see if there have been any allegations against him or if he’s ever been charged and convicted of S/Aing anyone. You’re not paranoid or crazy. You’re being a parent protecting your child from something that will irreparably change his life forever. You go mama bear.
Has the friend done this all your son’s life, or did it start recently at some point?
Don’t let him be alone with your kid. Your hackles are up for a reason.
My uncle molested me from age 7-11. I finally told a friend at school.
So just talk to your kid about appropriate touching and inappropriate touching.
Also… this man, does he have a family? What is his story? It could be innocent but why gifts so often?
It’s the comments on his appearance that ring alarm bells for me, along with your gut feeling. I agree that they shouldn’t be alone together and that it’s important to talk to your son about boundaries, consent, and secrets.
The appearance comments alone wouldn’t necessarily tip me off to anything being wrong, but if you get a weird vibe from it, it’s worth listening to.
I would ask he stop with the gifts and if he acts weird about that request you may have your answer.
Good on you for listening and responding to your intuition. Two things: 1. speak to your son in a general way about feeling uncomfortable in some interactions for reasons maybe you can’t explain and give some examples from your own experience. You’re opening up lines of communication on this and also validating that even if you don’t want to or can’t say why you can still choose to avoid certain people for no ‘good’ reason at all. 2. if I were you I wouldn’t allow this person to be around your son anymore for the next few years at least. It’s not worth overthinking this. No one will lose out big from them just no longer interacting and the stakes are too high for anything else. Your husband doesn’t need to agree with you to understand that your intuition is saying something and needs to be listened to. Because the trouble is even if something were to ‘happen’ you might never hear about it anyway. It’s incredible how good child groomers are at it and how litlte there can be even to ‘tell’. But it does its damage all the same.
I think his position is a tough one, and he’s just trying too hard. It’s an overkill. I’m not used to being around children, so I feel awkward and totally act the same way because it’s akin to being around a beautiful woman. You’re feeling awkward and nervous. You’re desperate for his/her attention, so you talk to much, do too much, etc.. I think this guy is guilty of being a nice guy who has little to no experience with children, and he cares deeply about what you think. Try not to think the worst in people You’ll be surprised. Cynicism can be an ugly, lonely planet on which to live. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Humans, most, are inherently good. If you find actual tangible proof otherwise send it to me, and I’ll disappear him.
He probably feels like his uncle, being your husband best friend. I don’t think he is being creepy.
If your friend is truly crossing boundaries then you have to speak with him, irrespective of how subtle the transgressions are. Where your boundaries are is something you have to decide for yourself.
That said, by my standards, there’s nothing here that looks like an unambiguous red flag or “overly affectionate”. It sounds like he’s affectionate, but from what you describe, I wouldn’t say “overly”. The “heartbreaker” comment is one women have been making about male kids for decades, so even if you think it’s unnecessary, it’s socially baked in, in a way that might have made your husband’s friend feel that it’s OK to say. I understand that it may feel different to you coming from a man, but it’s really not an unusual statement to make or to hear socially. I’ve heard it innumerable times before in the same context.
If you are going to say something to Eric, then I advise you strongly to have a cover reason for what you say. “We don’t want to encourage him taking physical beauty too seriously” will go over infinitely better than “I’m worried you care too much about his looks”. I don’t believe it’s fair to imply anything salacious about Eric, based on what you’ve written here, whether to his face or to other people who know him.
Look, ultimately, your child is your responsibility so you get to decide, mostly, what kind of interactions he has, and that’s fair enough. And protecting kids from harm is of course the #1 consideration when it comes to anything to do with kids. It’s just… I don’t know enough about your kid’s life to know whether he has a lot of male role models outside the family, but I do believe that kids need positive interactions with all kinds of people to develop healthily socially. And kindness from family friends can be incredibly rewarding to a child – I know because I experienced it myself as a child from many adults whose only motivation was making me smile.
It would be good to find a way to make room for those kind of interactions in your son’s life, as long as you can keep your kid safe. It is possible that you’re picking up on something ineffable about Eric which you haven’t described here, so it makes sense to be cautious just in case, and to keep an eye on his behaviour. But it is possible that you’re being overly suspicious as well, so I think it would be unfair to act in any way which might seem punitive to Eric, at least until he does something which is more unambiguously inappropriate.
What worries me is 2 things. The mother’s gut instinct and the over generosity of giving gifts. You hear about paedophiles buttering up and buying the trust and affections of kids with sweets, gifts. Never leave your child alone with Eric and if you’re in a position where you’re not with your son and he’s with his dad who wants to visit/invite Eric over then make it crystal clear they can’t be left alone together. You should straight up ask this guy what his intentions are and analyze his expression and body language. If he stutters or grows uncomfortable it’s a red flag. Put your foot down if he gives you cause for concern and give your husband an ultimatum if he still is blind to his behaviour
I tell everyone my son is gonna be a heart breaker. He’s a good lookin kid. Nothing wrong. He wants to show Eric his new stuff, he looks up to and admires his dad’s best friend.
You posted this two days ago. It has now been deleted. What’s up with that? That post got a lot of engagement.
Listen to your gut. Always where your children are concerned.
Limit their interactions. You don’t have to make it obvious or announce it, but do so immediately. Gradually decrease their contact. Do not allow them to be alone together. Ever.
In general II wouldn’t read anything into his behaviour as aid take it as he’s almost like an uncle to him,
HOWEVER this is the thing – you must always trust your gut. I wasn’t there and I didn’t see it but if your gut tells you that something really isn’t right then I’d not ignore it.
For your own pi vector mind make sure your son isn’t alone with Eric at all.
I’d also try to explain to your husband that you understand that he feels it’s nothing to worry about but you can’t help but feel like it’s not appropriate.
Eric might just be w ‘big kid’ who loves being like an uncle to him and perhaps he’s awkward and they subliminally makes you feel he is off.
But there’s no way of knowing that and as a Mum you’ll always trust your instinct as it’s better to be wrong and over the top than right when it’s too late..
Maybe indirectly discuss how you would castrate anyone suspected of doing anything weird
I’m just like this Eric with my besties kids, I would die for them if they were my own. Just talk to him, don’t be accusatory.
I like the suggestion that you say “I don’t like my son to hear things like this, it’s inappropriate.” And I think you shouldn’t hold back and talk to Eric directly in front of your husband (not son) and say you would appreciate if he could back off with the gifts from now on because your son is at the age where pedophiles could use the same tactics on him and you want him to realize it’s not OK. When he was littler it was ok. But we don’t want him to get used to accepting gifts from adults unless it’s for a birthday or holiday. That’s how groomers get kids to trust them.
Just drop the P word and G word right in the middle of the conversation without any embarrassment or insecurity at all. Make it clear that you are asking for Eric’s help in protecting your son from Pedophiles “Out There.” So you’re not accusing him of anything.
If he’s innocent then he will absolutely take your side and want to help. If he’s up to something you’ve made it super clear that you are keeping an eye out for things like this and talking to your son about it. And you’re not making it weird or uncomfortable for your husband if Eric is just this awesome friend.
Always follow your gut feeling! Especially when it comes to your child’s safety. Regardless of what your husband is feeling, if it feels wrong I would never second guess it. I would take a calm approach and discuss your discomfort with Eric and let him know that you are not comfortable with your son receiving the attention being given. Regardless of the actions being nefarious or not, always remember that you are the parent and therefore know what is best for your child. In the off chance that his intentions are negative he will know that you are onto him. Lastly, be sure to not leave your child unattended with him. Your husband should follow your lead as it is a concern regarding your child and respect your feelings towards this.
It’s hard to say.
I’m a woman in my 30s and I don’t have kids so I’m really close with a lot of my friends children and I definitely give them frequent, random gifts. But they’ve always expressed that they’re comfortable with this.
What’s Eric’s life like? I’m a teacher so I’m naturally friendly around kids. Does he have a family or any kids of his own?
But I also want you to trust your intuition.
I wouldn’t limit your son’s interactions but definitely no sleepovers at Eric’s house or time alone between your son and Eric.
What does your husband think?
There are some fantastic books for kids about consent, bodily autonomy, the dangers of keeping secrets and similar topics that would likely be helpful whether this situation is cause for concern or not.
Telling Eric you’re uncomfortable with adults commenting on your son’s looks and such also lets him know you’re aware and watching. Be firm and steadfast in your remarks. And smile. He’ll get it
You need to listen to your gut. It might be nothing, but it’s not worth the risk. Tell Eric, that he can’t bring gifts and candy anymore except for Christmas and birthdays. That’s a reasonable boundary to have.
And don’t let them be alone together. They can hang out in communal areas of the home, with someone else present, or not at all.
Predators hide in plain sight. I was molested by a long time family friend when I was your son’s age. When I told my mum years later she said she had a gut feeling about him but didn’t have anything concrete to say so didn’t know how to approach it. It turned out that he was also abusing his step daughter and two of her other friends.
It’s better to be overly safe than find out you were right and your son has been harmed.
I work with kids, and have many kids in my life who I adore, family both blood and chosen.
I am always VERY aware of the optics of my interactions with all of these kids. I would never want even a semblance of impropriety. I did not return to a job that I had worked as a camp nurse for 2 summers because a camper made a comment saying a counselor was a pedophile, which he had said in frustration after his age group lost a baseball game to a younger group coached by the counselor. I don’t want to be in an environment where things like that could be said. A family friend lost his teaching career over a false allegation that the student later admitted was fabricated. But my friend’s father served a prison sentence for abusing his daughters.
There are, in my opinion, many lines he is crossing. Commenting on his appearance and saying he’ll be a heartbreaker feel especially off.
Your intuition as his mother has power and meaning. Follow it.
Have a conversation with your husband and share these comments with him.
Then talk with Eric. Let him know you have concerns about the optics of his interactions with your boy. If he is someone who is safe to have around your son he will appreciate that there is a safety concern and straighten up. If he gets offended or defensive, that’s a pretty big problem.
This next part I really hate saying, but your husband may not realize it is a true statement: there are fathers who abuse their kids. So his deflection that you’re reading in to things could be seen as a guilty defensive action.
I think you are way over reacting, and here’s why. My Dads best friend did the same sort of things for me my whole life. My dad was 21 when I was born and his friend was 20 (1976). The friend didn’t have any kids and I think low-key looked to me to fill that void. Used to bring me all kinds of cool stuff and took me cool places. Dude was wild in the 80’s too, but still always made time for me. Taught me things my dad didn’t care about like hunting and golf (My Dad was into dirt bikes and was a musician, equally as cool but my dad isnt much into hunting/fishing type stuff).
Not one time ever did I not feel 100% safe with this man, or eventually his wife who also treated me like her own. In fact, my dads friend ended up becoming a preacher and officiated my own wedding.
Anyway, I don’t blame you for worrying these days, but based off of what you’ve shared, I can tell you that the behaviors you are describing are perfectly normal. I know how your son feels about this man b/c I was your son. I now have a lifelong friend who does the same for my 12year old son. Same thing. No kids of his own.
Focus on you. What do you feel? Doesn’t feel good? Think up a plan. Keeping in mind he might be completely innocent. Maybe just some a polite message need to be sent the next time he’s coming over to not bring gifts.
And next time he comments on looks – “Come on, we don’t want him thinking about how he looks. He’s too young.”
That’s my 2 cents.
Do not leave your boy alone with this guy ever.
Just don’t ever leave them alone… like ever!! Not even to go to the bathroom or anything even for a minute!
Trust your instincts. Do not let them out of your sight.
Better safe than sorry.
TRUST YOUR GUT. If you’re wrong, you’re wrong but if you’re right.. you could be saving you boy from a lifetime of horror. Doesn’t mean the friend can’t be around, just not alone with your son.
This could be AI, given similarity to post the other day.
1/3 girls will be molested in their lifetime . 1/7 for boys. It is SO much more common than people realize and it is almost ALWAYS the closest ones to us because they have access. I was a victim of SA as a minor and it was my brothers best friend. Trust your gut and minimize interaction and NEVER allow him to be alone with your child. Better safe than sorry !
My FIL is a total fucking creep. Did some questionable things to his own daughter when she was younger. He is a respected man in the community …..yet he is never allowed to be alone with my daughter ever. And I myself make sure I am never alone with him either.
No,no,no,no! Trust your instincts. This is called grooming. Please put a stop to this!!!’ Please, he is conditioning him to accept gifts and attention from him. Please no!
Trust your gut.
Talk to your child about consent but also have a conversation with the friend about boundaries and touching. If something makes you uncomfortable saying something is an excellent way of protecting your child. Abusers tend to back off if they feel caught or watched.
Omg ! Do not ignore this ! Do not allow people to get close to your kid ! You need to keep creeper at a distance
My 4 year old granddaughter has been taught body autonomy. I always ask if I can hug her and she knows that if she says no that I will accept it and don’t try to force her for a hug. Teach your son that he can say no to being touched, even ruffling hair he is allowed to say stop or no. If the friend reacts badly to it then I would say he is grooming your son. This is serious and you need to deal with it immediately. Also as you know what is going on then he should never be allowed to be alone with your son.
Updateme
Confront him and tell him you’ve noticed his behavior and that you don’t approve. Sometimes being aware and confrontational is enough to scare predators away. Don’t leave him alone with your son.
One thing I always tell my children is “You will never get introuble for something you did or talked about with an adult that you can’t tell me. Even if an adult tells you that you’ll get in trouble if I find out, you will not be in trouble.”
I’d keep a close eye on the situation and keep your son close. If something doesn’t sit right with you, trust your gut and keep an eye on things.
I’d be creeped out and I’d never let him be alone with my son. End.
What boundaries has he crossed
Since i don’t see anyone else offering up a counterpoint I will. I am a childless man in my late 30s and I love treating my friends children like my nieces and nephews. Playing with kids reminds you of being with kids. I don’t know this man or his motivations but everyone here seems to be jumping to conclusions from some hair ruffling and a comment about being a
heartbreaker. I agree talk to your son about unwanted sexual stuff but please don’t jump to conclusions.
I think as a mother you should trust your gut. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Limit their interactions and don’t trust him alone around your son. Unfortunately most molested children are usually abused by family members or people they know. PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND PROTECT UR SON
Hugs might be a little weird. But ruffling hair? No. That seems fine.
Does he ever alone try to be alone with the kid or does he bring him up to your husband? These are the things that would worry me.
I agree with the others about talking to your son about what’s OK and what’s not. I would not mention Eric when having these conversations though.
Also be very careful about accusing someone without some evidence. Just an accusation like this can destroy a man. It won’t matter if he’s innocent then. So protect your son of course but do not accuse someone based on a feeling. Unfortunately humans are very good at talking ourselves into believing things.
I’m not keen on this…
sounds like he’s just trying to be an uncle figure for your son, since he’s his husbands best friend and all. If your husband didn’t consider him a BEST friend, then i’d be a little worried but it depends on the dynamic that he and your husband have
Trust your gut. The majority of sexual abuse is committed by an adult male relative or friend of the family.
I would not leave them alone together, ever. These people are very good at manipulating adults too.
This ex police officer on tiktok has videos on the signs to look out for, how to talk to your children etc.
https://www.tiktok.com/@tiktokcop81?_t=ZS-8ymIKeqfXIm&_r=1
Listen to your gut. Have the conversation with your kid about no secrets, nobody touches you in private places, etc.
You will regret not protecting your son way more than you’ll regret being overly cautious with an old friend.
As a child it’s hard to understand if you’re being groomed. Touch is a big one. Being alone is another. Do not allow either under any circumstances and discuss these and what to do. I had an uncle that would giggle and give me snuggies as a youth. Now I look back and wonder why? Why????? God. Gross. Why? Looking back I wish my parents had done this talk with me.
So stressful you’ve aged 10 years in a day?
Then again you were 18 yesterday morning. Idk man. I’m tempted to say you’re just making shit up.
All I had to read was the title. Trust your gut!!
Man, ots impossible to be a guy around kids that arent your own, Jesus christ.
I should have mentioned that I am a former child protection investigator. I have seen it all. It’s very rarely the random stranger. It IS the teacher, coach, friends parent or relative, youth minister, etc. I do not want to start a religious conversation please. I do feel compelled to share though. Please listen to your gut! Childhood sex abuse will have a long lasting impact on a child.
The gift-giving raised my hackles. TRUST YOUR GUT. Follow the advice in the comments. Do not let your son be alone with this friend, ever.
This is a tough one because I am very close with my friends kids. They call me aunty, but I’m not actually.
I bring them gifts and things all the time.
I don’t say the heartbreaker things, but I say how pretty/cute/ handsome they are. I also am very affectionate and will cuddle with them and give them kisses…. But I am a woman so it’s not creepy I guess?
I am in no way saying this couldn’t be grooming. You’re mom and you can set boundaries and talk with your kid about consent.
I just wonder if everything was exactly the same but one of YOUR friends, would you feel the same?
Sorry but this is grooming, plain and simple! My best friends son was SA’ed by someone who did this, then invited him into their baseball academy, had frequent sleep overs at his house with his own son making it seemingly innocent! My BF is a RN and her husband was a police officer who actually worked the sexual and violent offender registry in our city! Please stop this dangerous behavior 🤍
You’re a mom with intuition. Don’t allow your son ever be alone with him and talk about boundaries with your son. It could be innocent but definitely keep an eye on him.
A bit of sex education may be in order. Knowledge will give him some tools with which to protect himself, if he should ever need to.
Same thing happened with our family. I have a son and daughter. My husband’s best friend ( who everyone thought was a great guy), got affectionate with my kids. One day he tickled my daughter ( she was maybe 6?) and I just blew up at him. He was never around my kids again after that. We lucked out because my gut feeling was accurate. He had molested his niece and later his stepdaughter. He’s been in prison 30+ years. Always trust your instincts!
Sounds groomy.
How often do you all see Eric? Does he stay the night at your house? Does he ever have one on one time with your son?
Here are some ways you can be proactive in protecting your son.
Meet Eric out in public and not in your home. Limit his visits to your home and reroute from your child’s room. Entertain in common areas only, if he’s there.
No alone time with him and your kid. Ever. No play dates. If he asks to take to a movie, you can say “Oh we’re saving that to see with his best friend” or “I’d love to see it too!” Then everyone goes.
Echoing everyone- teach consent, scientific names of private parts, share about touching that feels confusing or unsafe. Ask him often if he feels safe around the person/everyone.
Keep listening to your gut!
I always got really creeped out when men would talk about how good looking my boys were when they were little and make comments to them about it. There was one neighbor who did this frequently and it made my alarm bells go off… Pay attention to your instincts because that neighbor was proven to be a real creep!
I really think we can sense things that we don’t fully realize and understand and should be very cautious when we just have a hunch.
Trust your instinct. If he was just ruffling is hair I wouldn’t think anything of it. But complimenting an 8 year olds look is weird on top of the other things. Like he is looking a child and thinking he’ll be a heartbreaker? And the gifts. Idk it sounds like potential grooming. It doesn’t matter if u think u know someone. I was abused by someone my parents knew for a long time. Creeps can be literally anyone. Don’t leave ur son alone with Eric just to be safe
First question my therapist asked me about my abuser “were they overly affectionate?” If they tells u anything so just be careful
A lot of people are 50/50 but it does sound like potential grooming
Honestly , I’m not hearing anything from you that would give me concern. He’s your husband’s best friend and I find it touching that he wants to be a part of your son’s life. One of my best friends was like that with our daughter when she was growing up. He would bring gifts and always wanted a hug. He liked to give her a bad time and kid around a lot. He even turned the hot water off while she was taking a shower because she used to run our hot water tank cold every time. It was very funny. I would trust your husband with judging his best friends character. I’m sure he knows his friend better than you realize. My daughter still talks fondly of my good friends actions when she was young and she’s 34 now. They don’t see each other very often anymore because she lives far away and we’re older now so don’t get together with my friend as often. I think it would be very hurtful if you said something to him.
I’ve never heard an adult male comment about a boy’s looks (being handsome).
I would never leave them alone together.
Don’t doubt yourself. Being a mom makes you attuned to things others don’t see.
You need to teach your son about sex and his body in age appropriate terms.
Specifically, no one is allowed to touch his penis and he is not allowed to touch anyone else’s penis or vagina. (There may be exceptions for medical reasons, but a parent will be present and it is not a secret.)
Explain that this includes friends, teachers, parents, cousins, etc
Teach him the proper terms.
Children who understand these concepts are the least likely to be molested.
I am shocked that in this day and age, parents do not teach their children about sex and their bodies.
Just whatever you do don’t let them be alone together that way you don’t have to worry about it
No adult should be telling a child how physically attractive they are. That’s alarming.
women’s intuition… that’s always worth listening to.
Does Eric have children himself?
Insofar as it seem innocent at this time on the surface simply stop any of the specific grooming behaviors. The clearest is gifts. You and your husband together tell him no more gifts of any kind, only birthday and Christmas if appropriate. That he doesn’t need things and you don’t want him to expect them. Don’t let him argue. Should he violate that request then do not allow him to visit. Your husband can see him away from home.
Sounds so weird. Keep Eric away from your son.
Do not give him unsupervised access until you can square this away. Trust your instincts. Didn’t let anyone talk you out of being careful!
That sounds exactly like my Great aunt. Same situation. No funny business. She just really enjoyed spending time with me. Her kids were grown and far away. She was the life of the party. Goofy, funny and just like one of the kids. I will never forget her kindnesses. Her death hit me hard.
Talk to your child about boundaries. It could be harmless. But it could also be grooming.
You’re overreacting.
You don’t need to talk to Eric or mention it to anyone else.
You do need to make sure your kid is open with you and lets you know if they ever feel uncomfortable though, then you need to act.
Not letting him be alone with your kid is reasonable though, just keep an eye on him and keep open communication and you’ll be fine.
That’s called grooming. If it doesn’t sit right with you, never leave him alone with your son, please? From a mother whose child was assaulted by an older teen. This kid seemed like a saint. Lister to your natural instincts. Please never leave him alone not even for a min.
It’s not normal. And pervs often use toys or entertainment as lures. You as the mom have the right to limit the interaction this guy has with your son. His friendship with your husband does not entitle him to do whatever he pleases.
You don’t have your wait until after a crime has happened to react defensively. It’s enough that there is a perceived threat. The people who don’t get it are the same people who make excuses for pervs all the time and try tor brush assaults under the rug.
Pervs also may act normal with most kids but pick a few to go all in on. That way the fools who only saw the good behavior will support the perv and call the victims liars. Beware.
Trust your gut. Something is not right here.
Not gonna lie, i haven’t met an Eric that was a good person. Maybe just my experience but they’re almost always awful and perverted
Idgaf if its innocent or not. You tell that mtfr of a husband Eric doesnt come over. Doesnt go near the 8 year old.
And if he wants to see eric he go to eric’s house.
Plain and fuckin simple. Best way to avoid any issue is to nip that shit in the bud. Any normal adult would understand and not be offended.
I have 8 kids. You know what I have lived to regret every time? Not trusting my gut. Letting circumstances and outside pressure get to me and ignoring my gut. You know who paid the price? My kids.
He doesn’t necessarily have to be cut out at this point, but set a boundary of no gifts and see how he responds. He never needs to be alone with him, not if it’s convenient, not if it’s seemingly innocent. Your gut is telling you something’s up, you are his advocate and voice, protect your son.
Sounds to me like uncle mentality. I think you’re looking too far into it, and from the sounds of it, when the best friend has kids of his own, he’s going to be a good father. He sounds like the type of person who generally likes being around kids, not in a weird way. My best friend acts the same way with my son, but it’s out of love. My son calls him uncle, and my friend treats him like he’s family.
The friend has crossed boundaries in subtle ways? What boundaries have been set?
Let’s keep it as vague as possible and strip all context so we can maximise outrage and get the old pedophile element in.
Set a boundary with the gift giving, fair enough – we dont want the kid spoiled if contact is that much.
Now look at why the friend is doing this? How do we view the friend? Was it his childhood that makes him like this? Is he impotent? Was he shown affection as a child? Is he just off with social interations? Is the friend reacting to something that they think is lacking? Is the friend deeply insecure and thinks money is the pathway to everything?
So many things to actually consider.
My mums friend was very affectionate to me growing up, she was exotic, and always brought gifts – she made me feel seen and heard. Now she lived further away so that was different but fuck did I look forward to her visiting. She couldn’t have kids, knew my mum was struggling with having 3 kids(an emotionally absent father) and how there was almost just a lack culture and she introduced me to so much. Being called handsome etc, she did a lot, breaking hearts etc – that was her way of dragging my confidence off the floor.
I find it hard to describe how influential she was in those fleeting moments.
Now nobody is going to through the pedophile word around for that because she’s a woman.
Read the books
The Gift of Fear (famous book and author)
a great modern follow up, The Gift of Violence (Matt Thornton) , this will help you analyze any potential risk much better
So, my best friend (basically my brother) was always close to my son. From the outside, it might have been seen as “fishy”. But he was essentially my son’s uncle. And I can assure you, he is not into kids. BUT I can also assure, no two situations are alike. It’s a unique situation for you because you have a thought that ur husbands friend MIGHT be grooming him. I’d tread lightly because in my case, my ex wife would have been 100% wrong and ruined my friendship with a lifelong friend. Obviously, look after your son, but this is most likely a case of a man that wants to supports his friends family. But what do I know?