Me (f44) and my husband (m47) have pretty liberal views on life. My husband looks conservative; big guy with a beard dressed in the standard hoodie and baseball cap. Drives a pickup, has worked blue collar jobs most of his life, and we live in a red state. He’s from the south and grew up with typical ‘yes ma’am, no sir’ manners beaten into him by strict baby boomer parents. Living with him so long, I occasional gender my thanks as well.
We vote blue, put our money where our morals are, and fly the rainbow flags to support our friends and family.
Today, he had an experience that really made us think about micro aggression couched in manners. His favorite coffee hut has a new ftm Trans employee. As he was reaching for the coffee, he voiced his customary ‘thank you ma’am’. The word ma’am had no thought behind it but came out like it was italicized or in bold.
He paid and said ‘thank you’ when given his receipt. He felt really bad. Looking at him objectively, it probably sounded like he did it with hate in his heart.
Being a cis woman does not absolve me from growth and flying a rainbow flag is performative if your words suck. We will be careful with our words. We will update what we think is polite and make sure our respect is inclusive.
Stay safe my friends!
Comments
No one is perfect. If you are thoughtful and try to be kind then you are awesome in my book. Peace!
Obviously some people are more sensitive to this, in general or sometimes just that day, but in general most trans people can tell if it’s malicious or habit and it’s usually not a big deal, especially if they’re also from the south and are in customer facing positions! I’m glad he caught what he did and hopefully next time it won’t slip out as easy but give yourself some grace! It’s hard to break habits like that but I’m sure that staff could tell he meant no harm.
My afab non binary partner is a tattoo artist in a red state and some clients come in and they/them them correctly all day, and then go “thank you ma’am!” as they leave and I know most of them are probably mortified when they realize it 😂
You sound like good people and that it was a simple mistake.
The fact that he was able to hold himself accountable is all he can do. Everyone makes mistakes as long as it’s unintentional and he makes an effort not to make the same mistake again, I don’t think it’s something he should feel bad about or dwell on.
I’ve done this accidentally w someone at work and I’m trying very hard to stop. But I’m also a yes, ma’am no ma’am etc kind of person and esp at work. It just flows off my tongue. I’m doing better, tho.
Just tell him to smile and say “Thank you, sir!” the next times he’s in the shop! This will let the employee know no harm was meant and that he’s a friend.
I’ve stopped responding with ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am. I switched to “thanks so much.” Problem solved.
Jesus, years ago after and exhausted flight to Austin , after picking my car and going through the hertz gate I slapped an automated but very clear “thank you sir” to a transitioned lady that was controlling the gate. It was a slow mo of my brain trying to stop my mouth… I was so fucking mortified and my attempts to apologize just make it so much worse.
I blurted it out because my brain assumed even before seeing her that, that is how you thank the person at the gate.
It still makes me feel bad, and I’m sure it make her feel worse.
It used to be that a woman who cut her hair short would be misgendered. Just apologize sincerely.
What I’ve learned from talking with my trans and nonbinary friends is that they can absolutely tell when someone is deliberately misgendering them to make a point and when people make an honest mistake. The best thing to do when you catch yourself is apologize, not in a big, showy way but simply and sincerely, correct yourself and move on. I can tell you from personal experience, it’ll make you feel better and it will make them feel better and it normalizes the process for everyone.
We all fuck up from time to time; it’s part of being human. It feels really bad when the way you fuck conflicts with your values. Acknowledging the mistake, fixing it is you can, and trying not to fuck up in the same way going forward is really all we can do.
Y’all got this!
Just throwing this out there- normalize apologizing for awkwardness.
I’m similar to your husband and I have been in similar situations. I just apologize “Hey, I’m sorry, that was a reflex. If it made you uncomfortable, please know it was not intentional.”
all he had to say was “oops, sorry, i mean sir.”
Anytime i accidentally misgender someone, I apologize and restate with their correct gender preference. It shows that I am making an effort to see them and make them feel safe, and most of them know it can take some time to overrule 30+ years of gendered programming. Though, if someone blatantly looks male or female, its easier.
I’m glad you’re aware of this. Sir and ma’am need to go entirely.
We have a young trans lad at work and all the old blokes there are trying really hard, bless them, but occasionally an “Alright love” will slip out and quickly be followed by, “I mean, alright mate”.
as a nonbinary person i feel a lot of trans people know that others are going to make those mistakes. i mean me moving to a blue state and unlearning the language that ive been taught in the midwest is definitely challenging and hard to break! i also made the mistake of calling two trans women “guys” they didnt seem offended but definitely talked about it and moved on. Honestly if your husband sees the barista again i dont think they necessarily need an apology or anything, just correct yourself and move along. Not all trans people would be too hung up on misgendering i mean most of us are pretty used to it at a certain degree lol.
I cringe at this memory, but I once had a similar experience. I had a job interview by phone with a person who used they/them pronouns (I knew this through email communications). When I got on the phone I said “I’m so glad to hear your voice!” I did not mean it the way that it may have come off, like “Oh! Now I can ‘hear’ what your gender is.” At least, that’s the immediate mortifying conclusion I made on how they perceived my words! I’m horrible at interviews in the first place due to anxiety-my brain will lock up in the middle of answering a question; for me it’s a form of torture. What I meant when I said “I’m so glad to hear your voice” was just that I was excited for the chance they gave me by interviewing me, blah blah, etc. Due to that anxiety I am so horrible at making myself sound like a good candidate. Of course there was no second interview, most likely not due to my gaff, but I’m sure it didn’t help. I’m wholly supportive of trans rights, LGBTQ+, DEI, etc., and very left overall. It felt like the worst kind of self-betrayal.
I misgendered a new co-worker and felt like a complete arse recently. The worst part is I usually always say, “you guys” whether you are male or female and this was the one time “you girls” came out to this very feminine male coworker. I was corrected, and apologized but I still felt like a total jerk when I see them.
I admire your intelligence & attention to this matter.