I’ve been with my husband since we were 14, in the year 1995. When we met, I found his family to be very rude, but he always said, “That’s just the way they are, I ignore it and I don’t care what they think!” Well, over these past 30 years, I have not had the same mindset. I wish I did because it’s true. But I’m an extremely compassionate person who builds deep relationships with others naturally… and they just aren’t like that. They aren’t interested in adding people to their bubble and they make it abundantly clear.
If my husband does something good for us, I’m the bad guy because I should have done it instead of “making him do it”. If I do something good for us, they say, “so what? She’s not special, anyone could do that if they wanted to.”
I’ve caught them gossiping about me and when I confronted them they laughed and said, “You don’t even cross our minds, it’s not like we sit around talking about you!” Yet half truths about something I did get out and spread around the family a lot and they judge me for things they don’t understand.
I also have an invisible illness I was diagnosed with 8 years ago and since I only go around them in my best days, they think I’m making up the sick days or that I’m just using that as an excuse to make my husband do more chores. As someone with ADHD or Autism or just plain Neurodivergence, I also struggle with rejection sensitivity. I don’t know how people can be so mean. Why do they treat me (and all the other non biological family members) like we are a huge burden on them?
So, I’ve finally started to speak up for myself if they disrespect me. I shut their arguments down now instead of ignoring it so now I’ve become “crazy”. But I’m still learning HOW to do this. It’s not natural to me to argue.
My sister in law has been telling me my son has gotten fat, but he actually started puberty and his doctor says this is normal. But at Christmas, sister in law laughed and made a snide comment about how my son was eating too much dinner… so I YELLED HER NAME in front of the whole family and said, “DON’T WORRY, THERE’S PLENTY OF FOOD LEFT FOR YOU!” She was FURIOUS!!!!! Later she said, “I was just commenting on how much he must like my cooking”. NO! She was calling him fat!!!! Later she said she doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore because I just cause drama. Well, this is the first time I had ever done something like that and I’m actually quite pleased with myself!
Well she went no contact after that for almost 2 years. Now all the sudden she’s calling my husband again. I told him since I’ve been going to therapy, I’ve learned so much about toxic behaviors. Now I can identify them and his mom & sisters have been dismissing me, gas lighting me, deflecting blame, etc. And basically, I don’t want it in our lives anymore. So I’m trying to talk to my husband about this.
We are trying to figure out how to have boundaries with her and what those should be. Honestly, I just want everyone to be polite and to mind their own business. I wish their shit talking didn’t bother me, but it does. I’m considering we should just ghost his family but no one really wants that. But it’s certainly on the table if they continue to cause problems. I wish I could put in to words what I want other than just basic respect from them but they choose to not see their own issues in all of this. Also, several other siblings and one of her own children has already completely left the family.
His mother says, “We aren’t THAT bad, are we?” Then she laughs….. then she blames the people who have left as selfish controlling and rude people. I’m just trying to be fair and trying to stay in the family- but I need to protect myself too! Any advice? My husband tried talking with his sister today who called and spoke up. She said, “If you expect some big apology from me, you aren’t getting one.”
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His mother says, “We aren’t THAT bad, are we?” Then she laughs…
“You sure are that bad! Most people are too polite to tell you though.”
Also – do you really need to try and stay in the family? TBH it doesn’t sound like they think you’ve ever been in it.
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They’ve told you who they are over and over and over again. Believe them. They aren’t going to respect boundaries, they’ll go back to gaslighting. They’re mean people.
>“If you expect some big apology from me, you aren’t getting one.”
Make that the condition for resuming a relationship for yourself and your children. If she won’t apologize, nothing has changed. They aren’t reaching out because they feel remorse, they’re testing to see if you’re “over” what they’re probably calling a “temper tantrum” now.
If you go back to someone who has made it clear they aren’t changing, you’re going to get what you’ve always had. Yes, you’ve learned a lot, but as a ND person who has been conditioned to tolerate their abuse, your ability to catch it and react to it is going to be compromised. I say this as someone who is active here and has been told I give ok advice- I don’t catch it in the moment because people know how to throw me off guard.
Why do you want to stay in the family? Let your husband have whatever relationship he wants with them and keep you and your kids safely away from them. They’re horrible. What are they bringing to your life besides drama?
i’m struck by how you’ve been treated poorly by your in-laws for (almost) the length of my entire life. i think you’ve more than served your time. for what it’s worth, i would be really sad to hear that my parent tolerated this for so many years – i think it’s likely your son will feel the same way someday. lead by example, and show him that mistreatment isn’t acceptable.
You DO need to protect yourself as well as your kids, which it sounds like you are absolutely doing. Your in-laws sound like they enjoy abusing non-blood family members and are now shocked that you’re finally pushing back. I’m sorry they weren’t the in-laws that you deserve.
I was just like you. Very low conflict and I hate arguing and fighting with people. I dealt with this for years, frigging years. And one day, it’s like I woke up. My bully’s were bullies bc nobody would ever stand up to them. Spouse was too worried about rocking the boat, and keeping the peace. I had no peace around them, ever. They’d gossip on everyone and everything and I wouldn’t participate bc I was trying to “ignore” them by being a better and bigger person all the time. And one day it just clicked, and I took all of that pain and hurt and it finally snowballed into white fury and blinding rage. And you know what I did….the gloves came off and punched harder and way meaner. These bitches were in their 40’s, 50’s and 70’s taking shots at me and the family we were building, like why would you do that to a son/brother you supposedly love. Who tf were they to shit all over that ….all I wanted from them was to be cared for and treated like a decent human being, that’s it. And that was too much for them. They think that they’re some exclusive club or something, I swear. The three of them are serially divorced, broke, unemployable, miserable old coulda/woudla/shoulda’s that wanted my husband to continue to party and drink and fund their failed lives.
LOUDLY, call them out every time they have something to say. And your children will think you’re a badass for sticking up for them, too. My husband would get upset at times, but he was too enmeshed in their toxicity to stick up for us, and he didn’t for a long time. He was too scared of what would the IL’s say bc then he’d be out of the club. But then, SO finally realized and saw them for what they were. He is happily NC with his brother and sister and VVLC with his abusive mother the last 3-4 years. Fuck those people.
Ps a few MC sessions could really help him btw …
You can’t reason with unreasonable people. Stop trying.
You’re completely justified to go NC. I mean you wouldn’t be the first and that’s super telling. You’re not gonna be able to get these people to follow any kind of boundary especially when they can’t even apologize.
Patience conquers destiny 🙂 and believe me, your patience and tolerance will be rewarded. Not by those freaks though. Stay away from them, they put you through hell for far too long.
Is your husband also attending therapy? If not, he needs to. Then in a couples session you both need to set and agree to the boundaries.
Personally I wouldn’t subject my child to bullies and if that means he doesn’t see family oh well
It’s also okay for your husband to have a relationship with them and you not to. You can choose to not to be around them. Your job is to protect your kids and if they are continuing to bully the kids well now your access to my kids is also cut off. Husband can go on his own and spend time with his mean family.
Something you will have been reminded of in therapy – the good opinion of bad people isn’t worth shit.
You don’t want those bitches to like you.
Keeping their mouths shut would be nice though.