Howdy folks, long time lurker – first time poster.
The title does a pretty good job of telling the situation, but let me give you a little context. I (26f) have 2 beautiful babies with my ex (26m). We were high school sweethearts and grew up across the street from each other so we’ve been familiar with each other’s families for our whole lives basically. I left my ex for good in 2022 due to repetitive infidelity and shortly after he began a relationship with my childhood best friend, and though it was uncomfortable and his methods of telling me were wrong and made the situation worse, I got over it very quickly and realized that while it felt weird to me that my old friend was now playing a pretty substantial role in my children’s lives, she loves them with her whole heart and treats them like they’re her blood. That’s about the best I could hope for in such a situation. We’ve been coparenting peacefully for years now and the kids truly thrive like this. As someone who grew up in a tumultuous home where my divorced parents hated each other but wouldn’t ever really call it quits, I thought I’d truly found the perfect scenario in which my children get everything they need from the adults in their life and it didn’t put stress on any of us aside from normal day-to-day stress.
Here’s where the issues start popping up. For context, I have an older sister (36f) who has 3 daughters (17f, 12f, 8f) that my ex and I played a large role in raising. When we were first starting out and money was tight, we lived with her and her daughters while we worked out a plan to get on our feet. While staying with my sister, my ex and I took turns watching the kids, cooking for them, cleaning, getting them on the bus, helping with homework, the full thing. These kids were basically our full responsibility for a couple of years while we lived with her. We were so involved that my ex maintained contact with my sister after the breakup.
Well, the other day I woke up to screenshots and messages from a number I didn’t recognize (we all communicate almost exclusively on fb messenger) and it’s from my ex’s current girlfriend. The screenshots are of my ex talking to my niece, and they are explicit. From what I saw, he’s been sending her photos and talking sexually with her for months. He’s been having a secret affair with my 17 year old niece for months. Since before she turned 17. He’s brought my children to my sister’s place (a motel room because she got evicted from her last home over 6 months ago) and my children have witnessed him kissing and touching on their cousin. My vision went red when my son told me what his dad had been doing in front of them for months.
I took every ounce of proof I had to the police, and while it’s legal in my state for them to be in a relationship, it’s not legal for him to send sexually explicit pictures to a minor. They’re looking into his messages and if he didn’t delete everything, they’ll find enough to put this disgusting man away for a long, long time. There’s just a few snags in the plan here. My children are 4&6. They know their dad, and they love him very much. They’ve spent every other week with him for the past 2.5-3years. I know he is not a safe adult for my children to be with and he will no longer be allowed any contact with them without a court order. No arrests have been made yet in this case, but CPS and the local law enforcement are all involved.
What do I tell my boys? I don’t want to lie to them, that’s not the relationship I have with my babies. With these types of charges on my ex, it’s likely he will never be allowed around children again. Today is the day they normally would go to their dad’s and they know something is up. What do I say to protect their little hearts while being honest about the severity of our situation?
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Backup of the post’s body: Howdy folks, long time lurker – first time poster.
The title does a pretty good job of telling the situation, but let me give you a little context. I (26f) have 2 beautiful babies with my ex (26m). We were high school sweethearts and grew up across the street from each other so we’ve been familiar with each other’s families for our whole lives basically. I left my ex for good in 2022 due to repetitive infidelity and shortly after he began a relationship with my childhood best friend, and though it was uncomfortable and his methods of telling me were wrong and made the situation worse, I got over it very quickly and realized that while it felt weird to me that my old friend was now playing a pretty substantial role in my children’s lives, she loves them with her whole heart and treats them like they’re her blood. That’s about the best I could hope for in such a situation. We’ve been coparenting peacefully for years now and the kids truly thrive like this. As someone who grew up in a tumultuous home where my divorced parents hated each other but wouldn’t ever really call it quits, I thought I’d truly found the perfect scenario in which my children get everything they need from the adults in their life and it didn’t put stress on any of us aside from normal day-to-day stress.
Here’s where the issues start popping up. For context, I have an older sister (36f) who has 3 daughters (17f, 12f, 8f) that my ex and I played a large role in raising. When we were first starting out and money was tight, we lived with her and her daughters while we worked out a plan to get on our feet. While staying with my sister, my ex and I took turns watching the kids, cooking for them, cleaning, getting them on the bus, helping with homework, the full thing. These kids were basically our full responsibility for a couple of years while we lived with her. We were so involved that my ex maintained contact with my sister after the breakup.
Well, the other day I woke up to screenshots and messages from a number I didn’t recognize (we all communicate almost exclusively on fb messenger) and it’s from my ex’s current girlfriend. The screenshots are of my ex talking to my niece, and they are explicit. From what I saw, he’s been sending her photos and talking sexually with her for months. He’s been having a secret affair with my 17 year old niece for months. Since before she turned 17. He’s brought my children to my sister’s place (a motel room because she got evicted from her last home over 6 months ago) and my children have witnessed him kissing and touching on their cousin. My vision went red when my son told me what his dad had been doing in front of them for months.
I took every ounce of proof I had to the police, and while it’s legal in my state for them to be in a relationship, it’s not legal for him to send sexually explicit pictures to a minor. They’re looking into his messages and if he didn’t delete everything, they’ll find enough to put this disgusting man away for a long, long time. There’s just a few snags in the plan here. My children are 4&6. They know their dad, and they love him very much. They’ve spent every other week with him for the past 2.5-3years. I know he is not a safe adult for my children to be with and he will no longer be allowed any contact with them without a court order. No arrests have been made yet in this case, but CPS and the local law enforcement are all involved.
What do I tell my boys? I don’t want to lie to them, that’s not the relationship I have with my babies. With these types of charges on my ex, it’s likely he will never be allowed around children again. Today is the day they normally would go to their dad’s and they know something is up. What do I say to protect their little hearts while being honest about the severity of our situation?
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Holy cow, this is giving me Woody Allen vibes!
Your ex is not a good person. Your sons may love him, but he’s not a good role model for them.
I’d wait and see what happens before you tell them anything. If he is prosecuted and goes to prison you will obviously have to tell them something. But if he does not go to prison or lose his parental rights, you probably shouldn’t say anything, for now.
Just remember that lying and not telling someone everything is not the same thing when it comes to children. Some information just isn’t age appropriate. Telling your kids that Daddy was sending naked pictures and trying to have sex (Kids: Mommy, what’s sex?) with their cousin would not be appropriate. I’m no child psychologist so I don’t know what would be best to tell them, but not “the truth and the whole truth.”
That’s my opinion, anyway, maybe an actual psychologist has better advice.
Send a message to the person that sent them to you and tell them to contact the police
Not sure the best way to word it, but you could tell them Daddy has to go to the adult version of time out. He did something bad and so he got in trouble for it. I really wouldn’t give them any details. If they ask for some, tell them it’s something only adults are allowed to know, so they have to wait until they grow up to find out.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with this. That’s a lot.
Well, they did see him kissing and touching the cousin already. Regardless of what the state law says, this is obviously morally wrong. I think it’s OK to say to them, “You know how you saw daddy kissing and touching your cousin? She’s a child, and he shouldn’t have done that. He especially shouldn’t have done it in front of you. I don’t want you to go to his house today because of that.” I think it’s good to be honest. You’re not giving them any new information. They’re the ones who witnessed this. You’re just connecting your response to what they already know about.
Is there a social worker involved in all of this (you mentioned CPS) who could help you make a plan to communicate this to the kids in the best and most age appropriate manner?
Sweet home Alabamaaaaaa!!!!
I wouldn’t tell your children anything. They are too young to understand. Let him tell them because he is still a co parent. Stay out of it because you divorced him for a reason. Go for full custody while the iron is hot.
UpdateMe
Talk to a MAN in your family that would handle a situation like this. This is where reality play a part and you need a MAN to remind your scum bag ex that you can’t do things like that.
> while it’s legal in my state for them to be in a relationship, it’s not legal for him to send sexually explicit pictures to a minor.
This is so fucked.
Well, the whole situation is fucked.
First how awful for all the children involved. I think a convo with the kids is needed. If you have already had conversations about private touch and how adults don’t tell kids to keep secrets I would start there. I would want to make sure they haven’t been put in further concerning positions as well as the other nieces. Talk to a therapist first, if possible but it they saw things an adult did that isn’t okay. They need to be able to process their feelings too. I’m not saying this is a right this second conversation but sooner than later.
Also take time for yourself to get support. Maybe for the next few weekends you can do big fun events. Like movie day or go the park and picnic.
Again, I a so sorry you, your children, and nieces have to go through with this.
Tell your kids in simple terms: daddy is not able to see you right now because he has other things going on and it is mommy’s job to take care of you when he can’t.
yo I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, because that’s some straight-up soap opera betrayal. like not even creative betrayal, just gross and lazy. your niece?? your KIDS’ cousin?? nah. you don’t need to do anything except protect your peace and your kids. let them wade through their mess together while you sip wine and heal in peace. family’s supposed to be your safe space, not a dating pool.
Updateme
Where’s your protective instinct?
If a partner of mine were carrying on with an underage relative, in front of MY KIDS, he would be fortunate to see them once every few months for a half hour of supervised visits, within the counseling room of a State Prison.
Your ex is the one who just ruined his relationship with those kids. Explain to them, in an age appropriate manner, ie, “The police are angry that Daddy sent cousin Jessica messages about kissing. Daddy is too old to send texts that are like a boyfriend and girlfriend. And Jessica is too young. So, Dad is going to probably go to a place where he can’t send bad texts and where there are people to help him make better choices. Dad might go to jail. He loves you and I think he forgot that sending kissing messages would come with consequences, as we talk about. Mommy is talking to the judge, you have not done anything wrong, and you are safe.”
I’d cut off obvious druggie sis and her three future single babymamas, alcoholics, and meth heads. Their futures are replete with the hazards of clandestine, illegal, Fentanyl mixed in their drugs; applying for federal & state aid that is being cut to the bone by billionaires who are worried it might mean another ten bucks will go to the poors instead of their corporate welfare coffers; abusive men, jail, payday loans, income tax scams, illness, OD, and “home” being defined, depending on the day, as dealers’ couches, broke down cars, and a series of motels similar to the one they’re in now. It’s horrible, it’s sad, it’s not your fault!!!!! You need to care for your sons outside the toxic orbit of sis, Jessica, and your ex.
Nothing about this is ok. Nothing. Put your own oxygen mask on, secure them on your babies next, and if there’s any O2 remaining and available, down the line, you can revisit whether or not to see about assisting your niblings, if you feel so inclined. Right now? Nah. You’ve got an entire checklist of tasks to handle to ensure you and those boys are in a physically, emotionally, legally, mentally, and financially secure space.
Your ex is not a good dad; he’s a possible sex offender, and a very impulsive, boundary lacking, opportunistic person. He’s vile. Any half measures mean you’ll be spending an inordinate amount of time watching, wondering, and waiting for the next garbage bag of fresh hell to be dropped on your kids and you. When you think you’re over the hump, a neighborhood high school girl will turn up pregnant with his baby. Cooperate with the authorities, to the best of your abilities, please!
I’m very sorry this is happening. ❤️ But, I’m not prone to sugarcoating, which would do you zero favors. Proper authorities, proper steps, proper way forward. ❤️❤️
“legal in my state”
What. NO STATE it’s legal, it’s literally illegal for anyone under 18 to be with an adult. Not sure where this misinformation comes from. Only where ages are super close does it matter (Romeo Juliet laws)
But if your husband is way older than what that applies to.
Your ex is a POS grooming a teenager. He’s a sexual predator.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/protecting-children-from-sexual-abuse/202002/but-they-went-willingly-understanding-teen-sexual
Tell them that their dad made a big mistake and he’ll need to go away to work on it for a while. That he had hurt a lot of people and it will take some time to fix.
You can’t shield them from the truth, but you can soften it for them. I spent so much of my youth wishing I had my dad in my life while being completely oblivious to what he had done and why it was so bad. They’ll eventually get over it, but it will take time. Tell them the whole unadulterated truth when they are old enough to comprehend the nuance (about 10-12), that way they don’t have to spend their whole childhood playing the “why don’t I have my dad” question over and over again.
Kids are resilient, they will be ok if your ex goes to prison. Make sure to save any evidence you get and keep reporting him.
You don’t want that kind of influence on
your kids..
That guy is PATHETIC nd SICK!!
your kids are too young to explain all these messy shits to, just let them know their father is not a good person and gradually let them know when they’re old enough to understand.
Nd about this guyy… I don’t even know what to say
Imo keep it as simple and age appropriate as you can. “Dad made some bad choices and we need some space for now.” They’re to young to know all the details, just try to be prepared for a lot of emotions from the kids. Most children thrive on routine. Maybe set up a time for your friend to come spend time with you all. She’s a big part of there lives
Updateme
This is a nightmare. Just sending support as you navigate through this.
I would say wait it out and see what happens. If he goes to jail, then you can say “daddy is having to go to a vacation to a place that helps people get better” or something to the effect of that. As they get older you can explain he went to jail for doing stuff he shouldn’t have, and then when they’re old enough you can give full disclosure to them if they show interest in reconnecting with dad. Always try to lean towards the truth with age appropriate explanations
Updateme
I got custody of two of my grandkids (4 and 5 yo at the time) when my son’s ex had them taken away for neglect. My son and I didn’t have a clue or we would have tried to get full custody before this.
To tell the truth, even though they love their mother, and I never speak badly of her (nor my son), they very seldom speak of her. She seldom tries to get in touch. We’ve had them for over a year now and she might have called them 15 times.
Children, especially that age, are very resilient. We just told the kids that Mommy had problems she had to deal with. They never asked any questions after that.
What state is this, jfc
How is your niece doing? And what is your sister doing for her?