I’m a 38 year old widow and mother of an 11 year old boy. My husband passed away 3 years ago in a car accident. His best friend (let’s call him J) has always stayed around helping with errands, occasionally checking in, even helping my son with his homework when I couldn’t.
A few nights ago, after we had a glass of wine in the kitchen while my son was asleep, he confessed he’s been “in love” with me for years. He said he didn’t speak while my husband was alive “out of respect,” but now believes maybe we’re meant to be.
I was stunned. This is someone I trusted like a brother. I didn’t know how to respond. A part of me feels guilty for not immediately pushing him away, and another part of me feels even guiltier for wondering what if.
I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I don’t think I’m ready for anything… but I also haven’t felt desired or emotionally supported in so long. I don’t know what to think.
I guess I just needed to share this somewhere anonymously. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Comments
This is a tough one. I’m guessing he was hoping you would immediately be open to exploring the possibility and was willing to shoot his shot.
First and foremost, there is no timetable for grief, so only you know when you are ready for something new. However, please don’t string him along. Be honest and if there is a possibility of this developing at some point then communicate that to him and mention that it’s not now.
Secondly, don’t feel pressured to do this. Only get into this if you are willing. Decide if you are willing to take that chance. And it may sound cruel, but don’t think my late husband would or would not want me to do this or our family and friends would be for or against. This is a two person conversation.
Good luck with whatever you do, but be open to being happy!
Updateme
Updateme.
I’m sorry for your loss. My advice is simple and straightforward – be honest and transparent with him. Give yourself some time to reflect on your situation and process your emotions. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
I think you should talk this out with a therapist. There are a lot of raw emotions here.
If you say no, the help will probably go away. If you say yes and you don’t like him that will give you headaches in the future… If you say yes and you like him I don’t see any trouble. If you feel like you are not prepared for something like that just tell him, he might keep waiting. But tbh you don’t owe anything to anyone, he was helping you in good faith as far as you knew… Time to choose, yes, just be aware every move has a consequence, and you’ll deal with them eventually.
I’m sorry for your loss. Take your time and make sure your 11 year old is okay with anything before you move forward
I mean he’s been there for you both.
Just depends non whether you think he’s an option.
Of not. Say so. Then at least you guys can be same as before butbhe knows it won’t be more.
Don’t do it because you fear being alone or easy option. Disaster waiting there .
Good luck
Why are you stunned? He was friends with your husband, meaning they shared a connection and are probably similar or complimentary in personality and thus what his friend (your husband) saw in you, he probably also saw in you. It’s not surprising at all. Many male friends are in some way attracted to their friends partners. They never act on it due to the nature of the dynamic (he’s his friend and you’re taken). But now that your husband has passed, he’s remained in your orbit in hopes of something happening. It’s been a few years. maybe he’s seen you happier indicating you’re moving past the loss of your husband (his friend) and a few glasses of wine in, he shot his shot.
You shouldn’t have been surprised at all. What you do now is entirely up to you. You can approach the situation as a slow ember, go on a date or two and see where it goes. You could cut him off completely. You could tell him you’re not ready to date….but that may lead him to step away…. It’s complicated. But not surprising.
Sit on it. Seriously. Think on if you’re ready to date or not.
Good luck. You deserve happiness.
Do you feel like your trust was broken because of his feelings? What makes you feel guilty for thinking what if?
Based on what you said, he sounds like someone who really cares about you. He waited many years to ever say anything, probably wasn’t ever planning to out of respect. Sounds like you need time to process, but I don’t see why you would need to push him away unless you don’t want to accidentally lead him on if you’re not interested. You could always communicate with him that you don’t see him that way but would like to remain friends?
Ps, so sorry for your loss OP! Keep us updated!
The most important aspect is how do you feel about him? If you don’t have feelings just stay platonic.
It sounds like someone coming into you has made you realise you might be ready to start dating again.
Is it the right choice to start dating your late husband’s friends, whose just admitted his actions over the last few years have had a secondary agenda? And given your surprise, it doesn’t sound like you two shared a moment that he decided to act on.
Op, when you say confused do you thinks it about the timing or the person?
I think first and foremost you need to tell him you appreciate him being honest but now that he’s told you , you need time to process your feelings and would appreciate if he took a step back so you can think about what he said.
And honestly you can use this as a bit of a test , if he does give you the space you need you know he can at least respect given boundaries and if not you know you have a bit of a problem on your hands.
Second I would get a therapist, you may need to discuss this for a while before you have a real answer this is complicated situation.
Best of luck
I’m sorry for your loss. Do not listen to anyone who tells you about how great of a guy he is or how it’s not right. This cannot be anyone else’s choice but yours. Personally I couldn’t settle for someone I don’t see as a romantic partner. This is your choice and there is no wrong answer. You do what feels right for you.
imho, this will cause drama and accusations. People will wonder if you were cheating and decided to go public after 3 years.
I would personally walk away. There are millions of other men out there.
I was worried that this guy was hitting you up months after your husband’s passing, (my sympathies), but three years seems like a respectable time to wait. I’m not surprised that you didn’t consider this in the midst of your grief, but I assure you that everyone around you sensed it. From a distance it looks like he did everything right. I know you’re not looking for advice, but if you’ll allow it, take your time. Let your heart and mind digest this news. Talk to your friends and family. It’s not a crisis, it’s an opportunity that you’re free to turn down. Buena suerte, and please update.
Am I the only one grossed out that he’s phrasing your husband’s passing as “meant to be”?
Dude, all the recent “It’s fine if my best friend and my wife get together” comments these last few days are wild.
He said to you that he has been in love with you since his best friend was alive? How isn’t this a red flag? How aren’t you now looking at all the interactions you had with him while your husband was alive through that different lens?
This is just fucking weird man. If my girlfriend died and her best friend tried to hook up with me, I would never want to talk to that bitch again.
I understand your… unease. I’m a widow myself. If my husband’s best friend said something ik that to me, it’d be absolutely repulsed and grossed by him. I’d feel so much revulsion. I’d probably punch him in the face.
It’s not per se the fact that he’s in love with you. It’s how he told you that. It’s the words he used. Your husband died in an accident, and he said that he’d been “waiting” for the opportunity to tell you? That opportunity is yiur husband dying suddenly. Worse… he believes that this is meant to be? Sounds so oppportunistic. Nauseating.
Anyway. This is just me. If you have strong feelings for him, and you are in love with him too, go ahead, be happy.
But if you get together with him because you’re in a vulnerable position, please don’t.
Do not feel pressured to move on, just have a talk with him doesn’t even have to be in person if you aren’t comfortable. In public if you want it to be just to be safe. Everyone grieves different and there’s no time limit.
As a widow myself I do agree that you should take your time figuring things out.
For context it’s been nearly 8 years for me and I’m 41. The first year was not the hardest, being in shock left me unable to do much of anything. I went into robot mode for the better part of the year.
I will not widows fire is a thing , or rather the desire to be connected with someone is very strong . It will push you towards things that might not be in your best interest.
I wouldn’t set time tables for anything , but rather if you do plan to date. Discuss the desire to take things very slow.
Lastly my first relationship after seemed to be going well, but when it ended, it did trigger some serious emotions.
I’d be mentally prepared to deal with the reality that maybe this relationship isn’t going to work, but for other reasons then death.
Whatever choice you make I can suggest the widow subreddit , lots of support for a quiet community.
Best of luck
My wife and I are around your age 39m and 38f. We’ve been married almost 19 years now. I’d want her to find love again, my best friend is my best friend because he’s an amazing person. If that’s where she found love I’d bless it from beyond because I know he would never try to replace me for her and she would be cared for.
Like someone else has said there is no timeline on grief, and if you’re not ready that’s ok. I do feel like him approaching this conversation after 3 years and not 3 months shows respect and character.
So…. my issue here is.
Did he stick around and help after his friend was no longer there out of respect… or not?
Cause realistically, it sounds like he was there preying on your vulnerability and waiting for HIS chance when really. He’s not taking the fact that you might not be ready into consideration, especially if he’s decided you need to know now instead of waiting for you to naturally broach the subject of dating in general based on your comfort level with your grief.
My condolences to you and your son.
He could have said it a lot differently and less creepy , but that wouldn’t have changed your feelings. It’s not going to with our at least not right now.
If he is a good influence on your son and you want to continue that relationship, don’t be too mad at J for telling you how he feels. Hopefully things can go back to normal if that is possible at this point. Only you would know, but maybe your husband would have wanted J there for your son if he couldn’t be.
Take your time. Have you been in therapy?
It took him this long to say something. He can wait for your answer.
I am so sorry for your loss. I bet you had a wonderful marital life. Being a person betrayed by my own wife, I have an enormous respect for you, that you still can’t think of anyone besides your late husband. I have an immense respect for his best friend, he didn’t express his feelings earlier and break the trust.
Now, please don’t feel pressured. Take your time and follow the path, whatever your heart says. You don’t need to be guilty of anything; you did nothing wrong. If you don’t want him to be in your life, that’s perfectly okay. If your unconscious mind craves love and care, and your gut says he is a suitable mate, that’s perfectly okay too!
I wish you a wonderful future and remember time is the greatest healer, it heals every wound.
I would personally feel betrayed. You thought you had a close friend you could rely on, but it turns out that he’s just been trying to get with you the whole time. I would tell him that you just want to be friends and see how he reacts. If he is okay with that, then maybe consider it down the line when you’re in a better place emotionally, but if he takes that poorly, you’ll know you made the right choice by not pursuing anything.
I’m curious – has he been dating anyone since your husband passed? There’s just something so scummy about dating other women, stringing them along, all while waiting for you to get past your grief to pounce. I hope that wasn’t the case.
“Now he believes we are meant to be together”…Are these his exact words? Because if it is, it seems in some way he is relieved that your husband is no longer there. That’s messed up.
I feel bad for the husband
I do appreciate that he waited a few years to tell you.
I actually think the fact that he was in love with you even while your husband was alive is honestly a red flag to me. He was supposedly your husband’s friend but secretly pinning for you the whole time and honestly he’s probably somewhat glad your husband is out of the way.
Don’t rush into anything you aren’t sure of just because he wants too. We women have a habit of giving in when we shouldn’t. Let him know you need time to think. Then thank him for giving you that space.
Grief knows no time table. Your son deserves to be involved in your decision too. His grief and comfort level matters. He needs imput on if you even decide to date and whom. Reddit is full of children and adults who were not ready for that change.
Take time and process. But if you say you don’t feel that way about him or aren’t ready to date right now, he may walk. And that’s ok. If he really loves you he’ll give you time and continue caring about the 2 of you.
I can tell you my perspective as a kid whose mom got with their dead dad’s best friend after he died. I resented them both. How could they do that to my dad was what I felt. You have to consider not only yourself but how your kids will be impacted and feel about the situation.
That sucks. To learn that while.you thought you had a supportive friend, in fact he was duplicitous – just biding his time, waiting for a way in… using friendship established under false pretenses to build a rapport
Thats a real toughie if you’re confused.
To add fuel to that confusion… being “in love” with somebody from a distance usually means they love the idea they have of you. They haven’t seen you with warts and all.
I would be very cautious. Not saying you have to be closed off to it. After the emotional shock has worn off, and you can think about it logically; you may decide actually this is something that you’re seeing has a future.
You may also decide that you’re still too fragile to get involved in a relationship, or you may decide that he’s not the right person for you. That is equally valid, and communicating that is a form of self love.
Grief has no timetable, but I would suggest from my own experiences getting a grief counsellor after 3 years. Unaddressed grief stuck with me for nearly a decade before I started investing money into solving the issue. For me, it was having a drastic effect on my personal life even though outwardly everything was fine, after all I’d been coping the same way for 7 of the 8 years.
Oh wow. I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a tough situation for you. I think you are going to have to be honest with him about how this upended the relationship you thought you had with him. So you are going to need time to process this. How he responds to both this message and processing time will tell you a lot. Hopefully it will help you reflect on where this relationship is going. Or if it should still exist at all. I hope things go well for you. In whatever decision you decide to make.
Might have better if he’d left out the part about being in love with you all the time. Creepy.
Don’t let his proclamation take you down an unintended path. Take what he said and step away from him and the situation for awhile. Figure out how you feel, not how he feels.
The real test is you telling him you’re not sure how to process his confession and that you need time before you can respond. And see if he’s still your friend that comes around and helps you and your son. Or if he disappears because he only did all that stuff, as an in.
Then take the time to process. It wouldn’t be wrong in any way. But if you’ve only ever seen him as a brother could you ever see him as a lover? You need to separate your appreciation of his support as a friend, from felling desired, from desiring him and see where those thoughts lead.
If this were my husband and his best friend, I would feel like his memory and friendship with this guy were disrespected. I get that he never brought it up when he was alive and waited years after but it makes it feel like to me that the only reason hes been around is because he was hoping you would make yourself available to him at some point.
I just wouldn’t be happy about it. It would probably make me cut him off. Nothing he did after my husband’s death would feel out of friendship and friendship only, and i would wonder if everything that he did was just building up to an opportunity to be with me.
If it was me, I would decline for now and see if he starts to step away and become less present if he thinks he no longer has a shot.
But that’s just me, though. You have way more knowledge of the situation, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
I’m so sorry for your loss. But the fact that you’re having such a time mulling over this and asking Reddit, means that you don’t like him “in that way.” But that’s just my opinion. I mean, yes, you could grow to like him in that way but isn’t that just alleviating loneliness and settling for something because you feel you owe it to him, etc.
And that’s OK. You don’t owe him anything. If he’s a real friend, he will be respectful of your decision. If you reject the idea and he ghosts you, then we was never your friend.
I would be concerned that he handled this in a strange way…. Why not just ask if you would ever be interested in grabbing dinner? The whole “I didn’t say anything while your husband was alive out of respect” thing is just weird and creepy, and shows that he is lacking in judgment and tact. Major red flags.
Be kind to yourself. You can have both feelings and it’s ok. I was widowed thirty years ago and it took me two years to even think about dating again. And we didn’t have kids. Then, I had my first fling on vacation to not get involved. Like pulling the band aid off.
You deserve to be loved again. Take your time. But, obviously this person truly care about you.
Inappropriate and nothing about what he said or done has been respectful. Don’t let him come around anymore.
It’s totally ok for you to tell him you aren’t ready yet and that you don’t expect (or want?) him to wait.
thats so disgusting. this whole time you thought he was being a good friend and truly cared while in reality he was just holding out in hopes of sex. (im saying sex just to keep it to the point but i suppose a relationship or just for his own personal gain works as well either way i would cut contact. in my mind it just shows he has not doing any of this purely out of kindness – he had an ulterior motive)
I don’t like how this goes to be honest. He likes you even when your husband was alive, him helping out because of his own gains, and him feeling grateful his best friend died, none of these are looking great. The ick…
This happened to my wife. Her first husband died and this best friend soon hit on her after. She was alone with 3 kids one of which was 6 months old.
She was scared and vulnerable so she dated him on and off for 3 years. Those 3 years were full of emotional and verbal abuse.
Im not saying this is happening to you but im always suspicious of people looking for vulnerable people.
Your husband would have kicked this creeps ass to the curb if he knew about his secret obsession with you while he was still alive.
He should have kept the part about your husband and his best friend dying being “meant to be” to fulfill his love interests to himself…
Sucks when men respect other men but don’t actually respect women. Because if he actually respected you he would NEVER had been waiting for you to be vulnerable to hit on you.
I’m definitely in the camp of his confession being creepy and weird, and not endearing at all. Once he got to the “maybe we’re meant to be”, it would be done because he is minimizing the death of his “best friend” in order to gain access to you.
At minimum, I think the best thing you should request is space from him to process what he said, good or bad.
I’m sorry for your loss. I too am a widow and raised my kids by myself. My husband died when they were just four and eight.
I can understand that you might feel confused, but you certainly don’t need to feel guilty in any way. You haven’t done anything wrong and neither has your husband’s best friend.
Certainly you shouldn’t feel pressured by his honesty, but on the other hand, you do need to be honest with him.
It isn’t as if you’re cheating on your husband. I’m sure your husband wants you to be happy. If you chose to be happy with his best friend, to me that seems pretty natural.
I think the best thing is just to be honest, tell him that you are confused. If there’s a possibility that this might be something tell him you need time.
Not to suggest what your timeline for grief should be, but it’s a lot to raise kids alone for both you and the kids. Three years may not seem so long to you, but can be a long time in the life of a young boy. Plus, I suspect you are a wonderful, vibrant woman that deserves happiness in her life. You have had a woeful load to carry. I wish you the very best that life has to offer.
Take your time.
I understand it’s confusing. It would have been very wrong of him to act upon his feelings then, but having feelings happens. He has been supportive for a very long time. You certainly don’t owe him reciprocal feelings but maybe there is something there that is worth considering.
This is entirely up to you, you need to think about it rationally. It’s important for you to move on and live your life, whether that’s with someone you want to share it with or on your own.
But since you asked for our input, I’ll share mine, and I admit I might be a bit biased here. I could be wrong, of course, but if he had developed feelings for you only after your husband passed, that would’ve been different. Instead, he admitted he’d been in love with you even before your husband’s death. That means he’s been watching and preying on you for years.
To me, it feels like he took advantage of your grief and your situation as a widow to come off as the helpful guy. But was his help really genuine? What if your husband were still alive and you had just divorced, would he have gone after you then? Would he have betrayed his friend, or suppressed his feelings and backed off?
It honestly makes me wonder if he was secretly hoping something like this (your husband’s passing) to happen, just so he could be with you without looking like a traitor. I personally don’t trust a man who’s been eyeing his friend or brother’s partner for that long.
Explain your confusion and feelings to him, and you’ll find out how serious he really is about being there for you. If he’s for real then he’ll be happy to wait and otherwise continue to help you out while you figure things out.
That aside, of course you’re right to be blindsided. You don’t have to feel guilty about any of your reactions here, you’ve suddenly been presented with a whole raft of hypotheticals. Just take your time, be honest and kind to yourself.
I absolutely second the idea of a therapist. They can help you sort the pros and cons of whichever decision you make. And it IS your decision.
Take a little break, talk with a therapist, decide what you want, and do it. Either tell him you prefer keeping the friendship as is or you tell him you’re willing to try.
I wish you the best outcome possible for you. As a mom whose husband has been in a nursing home for the last year (2 strokes), I kinda understand what you’re going through. You don’t want to be disloyal to your husband but you’re also a woman. I’m also impressed by how long he waited to confess his feelings.
I’m rooting for you. Whatever the decision is, I want you to be happy and content with it.
So he has been waiting in the bushes like a predator on the hunt “out of respect”.
Secretly loving you and wanting you”for years”
With a bestie like that your husband needed no enemies.
This is a moral grey area and only you can know what’s right for you. Unfortunately if someone told me my spouse and the father of my child passing means we were meant to be, I’d want to punch them in the face and scratch their eyes out.
Imagine thinking someone dying and leaving their grief stricken family behind means you can profit off of it.
Reprehensible behaviour on his part and very selfish to spring this upon you.
I’m sorry for your loss.
So
I kinda had the same thing happen to me. Except my partner didn’t die, we just split because of many issues between us.
I used to get weed from my boyfriends friend. I had known him for years through my boyfriend. He was the one to always smoke us out, I counseled him through years of sadness, first the woman he thought he was gonna marry cheated on him, then he moved to Boston for several years and dated around, but he always seemed pretty miserable in general. He had many love interests but never seemed happy with any of them. When he moved back here, he was still deeply unhappy and frankly didn’t seem to like my BF much, but I tried to be kind to him because he was kinda my friend and I knew my BF cared about him as a person. He became really alcoholic, and increasingly mean towards my BF. Not that my BF wasn’t also really into drinking at the time, but the vibes between them seemed weird.
Anyway, one day after my BF and I had broken up for a bit, at this point having been together for around 11-13 years ish. And I went to BFs friends townhouse that we had all hung out at a few times. And we were smoking some. And he’s like.. really really happy to see me. This man is happier than I have ever seen him in my life. So I’m chainsmoking and lamenting in his garage sitting on the floor, and he KEEPS SCOOTING CLOSER TO ME, even as im scooting away. And I’m like.. Im weirded out but I’m not picking it up yet, because I have never not once thought of this man romantically.
We go up to his bedroom to smoke, bc he shared the townhouse with his brother and another roomate and they didn’t smoke in the living room. But I’m like, tryna pick up and leave because it’s my birthday and it’s late and frankly I don’t really want to be there chillin. But he insists, he really wants to smoke me out for my birthday, he’s rolling giant blunts and loading his biggest bong. And I’m like.. fam you need to chill I’m trying to dip and also I don’t want to drive so lit I’m gonna die. I don’t like that, I’m not about that
So eventually I’m like ok, I’m just gonna dip and essentially run down three flights of stairs to get outside
And this man runs after me like wait wait wait
And then he confesses that he has really liked me for a long time
And when I tell you I almost passed out from terror and anxiety, I literally started blacking out. Like I feel like I had something akin to a heart attack and I was just like NO. and this man is like, inching up to me to have me between him and the car and I’m just.. no I’m not into it, I don’t want this. And so I literally had to sit down on the sidewalk because I was blacking out. And thankfully be brought me a water and sat with me but he was rubbing my back. And trying to be supportive and all I could think was how I wanted to be anywhere else rn.
So after I gained enough composure, I left. And I have never spoken to him again. The level of ick I got was too much for me. And it’s not as if he wasn’t well off, or attractive I guess. But the whole I’ve secretly been harboring this love for you and I’m gonna pounce now thing fuckin sent me. That was on top of his attitude. So no, you are in no way wrong for how you feel. If it feels off it’s because it is.
Talk it out with a therapist. But I don’t believe guilt is a feeling you should be feeling. Confusion absolutely, maybe even anger if you feel he crossed a line. But you have no reason to feel guilty for “what if” passing your mind.
30% of Reddit is under 24
Another 30% of Reddit is under 34
Most younger users have never been married, or had a decade long relationship, or had a child. Just something to consider reading some responses here…
If you trust him like a brother, and than a brother is all he is to you – you don’t view this as a romantic relationship, but rather something more comfortable – and thats part of the reason you don’t want to push him away immediately, because a rejection may spell out the end of your friendship. I would be 100% honest with him.
Another man hiding his desire to dip his wick until you’re vulnerable.
This isn’t an uncommon situation. My friends came together after support of a death of her husband/his best friend, and years later, came to fall in love with each other. They are now happily married and we’re all very glad for them that they both found love after a tragic death of a husband and best friend.
Give yourself time and space to breathe and feel. Fwiw when my mom passed (cancer) she had hoped my father might date one of her friends in particular that she thought would be good together. No one told them, but they’ve now been married for 15 years 💖 I think sometimes friends are great matches because you already have shared values and history. Do what feels right for you, whatever that is. But I have to imagine your husband would wish you all the happiness you can find in this difficult world. 🫂
You owe it to yourself to go with your gut. If your instinct is to recoil, follow it. If you’re wondering “what if”, maybe there’s something there that is worth exploring at a pace that makes you comfortable. If your husband passed away three years ago, I’d say Jim is going to be willing to move at your pace. Don’t feel guilty – life is for the living, as my dad always said (RIP daddy 🩷), and we shouldn’t feel guilt for feeling our feelings and living life. It’s what they’d want for us and you deserve love and happiness for the rest of your life.
Wishing you the best and sending positive vibes!
Why is no one talking about the fact that the dude basically said he was waiting for her husband to die and it was meant to be? Like what the fuck? If that isn’t an immediate red fucking flag idk what is
Thank you all so much for your comments, perspectives, and even the tough questions. I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention, and I’m honestly overwhelmed but in a good way.
I’m reading as many replies as I can, and they’ve truly made me reflect from different angles. I might not be able to respond to everyone, but please know I really appreciate the time and thoughts you shared.
This whole situation has been confusing and emotional, and it means a lot to feel heard. 💛
Ok so your husband past away 3 years ago and he waited to tell you this until now?then maybe you should try it ♥️
The was meant to be part is pure evil. Your late husband was meant to die for him to have sex with you?
That is what pure evil sounds like.
My best friend is closer to me than my blood siblings, I can’t even think of a worlds where I want him anything else by alive and thriving.
Not approaching you out of respect? Not because you were his “best friend “ wife.
I have read stories of similar situations, and things happened organically, two people grieving came close, but literally the only reason he dated close is because he wants to fuck you, otherwise he wouldn’t have cared you are the widow of his “best” friend.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly 3 years ago (GI aneurysm). Whatever you’re feeling right now is perfectly fine. Someone asked me out about a year after my husband died, and I felt sick to my stomach even thinking about it. It took almost a full year for me to finally accept the invite.
Don’t rush into anything, but know that it is okay to accept a date if/when you feel ready.
((Hugs)) please feel free to DM me if you ever need an empathic internet stranger!
You have no reason to feel guilty. If you do like this person then give it a chance. Who other than his best friend would your husband want you to be with now that he’s not able to be with you?
I was widowed in my 20’s under similar circumstances, I’m now in my late 50’s. If you want to message me I would be more than willing to talk.
This has a hard thing to go through and it’s so much more difficult being young. It’s not the same as being widowed in your 70’s or 80’s. You’ve got a lot of years left and if your husband loved you (I’m sure he did) he wouldn’t want you to be alone forever.
I would take some space for a few days to process your emotions.
You’re clearly still very much married in your heart, and simply do not have the space right now for a relationship. That’s ok.
Or maybe you haven’t had the time to think about relationships because you’re busy parenting. That’s ok too.
Maybe he’s not your type. That’s ok three.
Nothing has to be decided today, or tomorrow, or weeks from now.
Just be honest, take a few days for just yourself to process, and take it from there.
He seems like a good dude.
So many people are afraid of relationships like this because they think its wrong and disrespectful to their partner who died, but in all reality they are dead, its not crossing any boundaries except ones people make up in their minds. So with that being said, think about it and if you feel similar about him don’t let the stigma of the situation ruin what could be a good thing, if you don’t feel the same just be honest and transparent with him. Life’s hard enough without having to worry about what your dead loved ones think of your choices
Y’all need to read, Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. After a death is never the time to fall in love but often, it happens that way. Read the book. Give the friend a chance. While you will never forget your husband, OP, he is no longer with you. If he loved you, I cannot imagine he would want you to to remain single for the rest of your life. Who else but his best friend, who has been there for you for the last three years? Seriously, isn’t this better than finding a guy online? A stranger? I say, give it a chance. Don’t blow up the friendship if it doesn’t work.
As others have said, the choice is yours and to trust yourself.
On a personal note, this makes my stomach turn a bit. The idea of him in the background just waiting. Then, saying that it was “meant to be” after your husband’s passing. Personally, I see it as an act of betrayal on his part.
Out of a Sea of other people, he chooses his best friends wife.
I can only speak on my gut reaction to what you’ve written. Maybe this isn’t accurate to his character, and I certainly can’t tell you how to feel, but based on what you’ve written…
This dude is a massive walking red flag. He might have supported you, but given he has had feelings for you since before your husband died, I’m entirely suspect that he was doing this with no expectations. If he had fallen for you while supporting you, it might be different, but this whole situation seems predatory on your grief, and honestly disgusting. I can’t express how creepy I find this. There aren’t words. There being a non-zero chance that one of his first reactions to your husbands death might have been “I have a chance“ is disturbing to me on so many levels.
NONE of this reflects on you. You are going through a truly horrible situation, and your decisions and feelings are yours alone. The emotions you are experiencing are incredibly complicated, and sorting through them must be such a struggle. I have all the empathy for you in the world. And again, I can only go off my gut reaction. Maybe you know this guy well enough to say that I am 100% off base. But the “meant to be” line really, REALLY skeeves me out.
Has he dated at all since your husband passed? Because that will do a fair bit to tell you what his intentions were while helping you through the aftermath.
Edit: Also, any and all “oh my best friend is great, if I died I would love for my widow and him to get together” which is a valid way to look at it, goes so far out the window the second he admits to lusting after my wife while we were still together and holding a torch for her for years.
I’ve seen that happen before and the best friend was decent and slept on couch no snoogling until much later. It’s not unheard of. I understand confused but at the same time they were together for over 50 yrs after the OG husband passed so you just never know they died 1 yr apart and I believe from broken heart
That just means most of his actions have been him trying to win you over. Every nice thing he did, is just a nice guy waiting his turn, not an actual good dude just helping friends, it all had an ulterior motive.
Go on tinder, or hinge, or a bar, you can find plenty of men to make you feel desired, this dude fills every red flag I can think of.
He feels like you’ve been in a relationship the whole time, he has crazy high expectations, he expects not a hook up, but to slip into your husbands boots, immediately, he’ll act like your husband and your kids father.
I can near guarantee that if you start a relationship with him it will get unhealthy quickly. If you want space “i’ve been waiting 15(for example)years, I already gave you space, you already know me, I’ve been helping your son for years”, basically, a you owe me.
In general you can’t have a healthy relationship with a guy who pretended to be your friend for even a couple of years just waiting to get you into bed, let alone a guy who waits 10+ years. That dude is invested and has a completely different understanding of your relationship than you can or ever will.
Eww… that feels disgusting and predatory.
You should be totally honest with him. He seems like a stand up guy. I respect that he stayed in his lane, until now.
However, you don’t seem ready to move on emotionally or romantically from your husband. That is perfectly acceptable. You don’t have to put a timeline on your feelings.
Let this guy know that it is too soon for you to become involved with anyone. If and when that time comes, you are conflicted about dating a friend of your Ex husband.
That’s completely disgusting. I’m so sorry
I’m getting the ick from the “it was meant to be” part. I think he should have just said that he has developed feelings for her and wanted to know if she’d be open to dating. The whole thing currently sounds transactional as in he only helped her because he wanted to date her.
OP consider your feelings carefully but please don’t date this man out of obligation. If you were attracted to him, you would have probably known it by now.
This is one of the plots of the English streaming series Mum. One of my all time favorites. Very dry humor and slow paced, but in the best way!
In the show anyway it all works out after the similar initial feelings. Characters are a bit older tho. Very sweet. Wishing you the best.
I’m a relatively young widow too and tbh… this feels so gross to me. I can’t quite put my finger on why but if this happened to me I think I would feel so violated. Like our friendship and his support came with an agenda. I realize that I’m a very cautious, paranoid, hurt person now so maybe I’m crazy. I don’t know.
I’m sorry for your loss OP. It sucks so much. Whatever you choose to do or not do…I hope it makes the weight of every day easier.
Did he engineer the accident?
Let him know you need time to process what he confessed, and really reflect on what he’s said and all he’s done.
On one hand he has been a great support since your husband passed and your kid likely looks up to him.
But if you reject him will all this support dry up because he’s cut his losses? Or is he just doing all this to be with you, and not out of the goodness of his heart?
Once you get over the emotional turmoil ask yourself do you even like him like that?
Do you find him attractive? Good? Does he make you happy? Does he have the same values as you? Do you think of him when he’s not there? If something happens to you thatakes you happy or sad, is he the first one you think to tell?
Also if you simply aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. And he must accept that.
> but now believes maybe we’re meant to be.
Am I the only one who finds this creepy?