So for context, my oldest sister (let’s call her Sandy) is 6 years older than me. My little sister (let’s call her Alex) is one year younger than me and 7 years younger than Sandy. Alex is now 26 and Sandy is now 33.
A couple months ago, Sandy told me and some other members in the family (Alex included) that our cousin sexually assaulted her from the time she was 7 until she was around 17. I was completely shocked and devastated to hear about this, but I noticed Alex didn’t seem to have much sympathy. She wasn’t exactly mean to Sandy, but she didn’t have much to say and just overall seemed apathetic. I found this a little odd, but didn’t dwell on it because there has always been a disconnect between Sandy and Alex that I’ve noticed our whole lives. Being the middle sibling, I’ve always felt very close to both of my sisters and was always having to bridge the gap between them when we would do anything together. But seeing as Alex and I are so close in age, I’m ultra close with her and consider her my best friend.
A few days ago, I got really upset with Sandy and was venting to Alex about her. I was talking about how I was frustrated with Sandy’s behavior but at the end of the day I love her and would do anything for her, I just struggle to like her at times. This is when Alex told me that she doesn’t feel the same way. She said that she resents Sandy because she had sexually abused her for most of her childhood. Starting from when Alex was around 4 and Sandy was around 11, and it lasted for years. Alex remembers being at least 7 while it was still happening but she’s not 100% sure when it stopped.
I am a mess over this. I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach for days, I’ve been having nightmares and I have no idea how to move forward. Memories from childhood are popping up and everything is starting to make so much sense in the worst ways possible. I of course told Alex how sorry I was not only that it happened but also that no one ever noticed, including myself. Alex had a particularly rough childhood behaviorally and my parents were so hard on her but it all stems back to the abuse.
I don’t see Alex differently whatsoever, but I do see Sandy differently now. I don’t know what to do, or how I’ll ever act normal in front of Sandy now. I keep trying to remind myself that Sandy was a victim too at the hands of our cousin, but she had told me that she had felt the need to protect us from it at the time so why did she do it to our little sister? I also just feel like I have no one to talk to about it because I obviously can’t tell anyone else (duh!) but it is Alex’s trauma so discussing my inability to cope with this with her would be atrocious on my part. Hence why I’m posting here. I just feel like I will never see my big sister the same again, and like I somehow failed my little sister.
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Please keep in mind before reading this that causation is not justification:
What happened to Alex is called Child on Child Sexual Assault, or COCSA. When children are SA’d repeatedly, it’s not uncommon for them to act out what is happening to them. Predators, especially ones who are family members will reinforce the belief that these behaviors are normal by saying things like “all families do this” “this is how you show someone you love them” “all of our family members do it”. Kids don’t know any better, their family is the center of their world, the ultimate authority on anything and everything.
Now, by no means am I saying that what happened should be dismissed or invalidating Alex’s trauma. COCSA is its own animal, and honestly the best thing for both Alex and Sandy would be to seek professional help.