My parents don’t use reddit so I thought I should post this here to get some advice.
A bit of context: My dad has 2 kids from his previous marriage who were living with us for a couple years. Then, they were coerced and left to live with their mom (they were around 15-16 when this happened). However, their mom is abusive and was only using them for child support pay, so my step-brother ran back to our home with his cat and then left again for his mom after a few years.
Fast forward to today, with the help of my dad, my step-brother is going to college (he is the only one of the two who keeps in contact) next year and my dad is planning to bring him back to our house because the living conditions with his mom have deteriorated. According to him, his work reduced his hours while his mom is still making him pay rent making it impossible for him to save up for college. Therefore, my dad wants to bring him back to our house, so that he won’t have to pay rent, still work, and be in a more supportive environment for college. Just to say, my step-brother’s mom is still abusive and doesn’t care about him wanting to go to college.
My dad has talked with my mom about this matter and she is fine letting my step-brother come back, but not the cat that he owns. My step-brother got his cat when he was with his mom and he’s grown attached to it. He can’t leave the cat behind because his mother threatened to bring it to the shelter and he’s worried that it will die there. My mom stays firm that she doesn’t want the cat back in the house (she already has enough with our own cat) and my step-brother doesn’t want to leave it (not even with a family friend). This standstill has sparked very big arguments and my parents’ marriage is in danger. My step-brother said that he’d rather stay back and not pursue college than to leave his cat to die. My dad is absolutely distraught and doesn’t know what to do.
I’ve also been caught up in the mix and have tried my best to mediate the situation. To note, I’ve told my parents to go seek marriage counselling and my dad agreed whereas my mom refused and says that they should talk it out like adults even if every conversation just ends up being a shouting match. So, I’ve come on here to ask for some advice.
What should either side do? What do I tell them? Thank you.
Comments
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Jesus.
I mean, here’s the thing. Bringing another pet into the house is absolutely a “two yes” decision. The cats might not get along, or Mom is worried she’ll be stuck looking after the cat all the time.
There might be a middle ground where you keep the cats separate? Has that been discussed? And brother pledges to handle all care of his own cat.
If that can’t be made to work, then brother has to decide what he wants to do, I guess. He’s an adult, he either moves to his own place like a big boy, or he figures out what to do with his cat. Those are the choices.
Why doesn’t your mom want the cat there? Is it possible that she actually doesn’t want your stepbrother there and knows he won’t leave the cat so she’s saying that?
Who will have the cat when your stepbrother goes to college? Is that the issue?
I dunno, it’s hard to offer advice not knowing what her issue is.
why doesnt your mom want the cat. Is it destructive, is your SB lazy about taking care of it, do the cats not get along? Need some context here.
If this were me, I would move out and get an apartment with my child. It is understandable his son does not want to leave his pet to die. Your mother seems unwilling to compromise or even seek counseling to help resolve this issue. She seems to lack compassion for her stepson. Would she leaver her cat behind in a move to die? Probably not.
This young man is being asked to make an impossible choice. Leave an abusive situation that does not allow him to get ahead while abandoning probably his only source of comfort, or stay in a situation that will rob him of his future. I couldn’t be with a partner who took this stance. She not against the cat due to allergies, or safety concerns, she just doesn’t want to be part of the solution.
A compromise means EVERYONE sacrifices something.
Adding a person and/or pet to a living situation is a two-yes situation. Your mom doesn’t want another cat in the house. Your brother refuses to live without the cat. Perhaps the solution is to create a separate apartment in the house (basement?) where the brother and cat will live. Perhaps your father can help pay your brother’s rent in a different place so he can have the cat.
Your parents might divorce over this? It isn’t about the cat.
I suspect the issue is not the cat. Cats can adjust when introduced gradually and given enough space and resources. They are wonderful animals and frankly I’d never be able to give mine up and it’s cruel to ask. Your mom needs to be honest about the real issue. Could be with another person and animal she will be doing more cleaning or not have space and quiet for herself? Could be she feels she has no control over her environment and your Dad is being too pushy?
Your brother is an adult and he has to take steps to improve his life too.
This is such a mess. Your step-brother’s in a tough spot, isn’t he? It’s that cat or college thing. And your mom, well, she just can’t stand the furball. Have you thought about maybe finding someone who could take care of the cat while he’s at school? Could help everyone breathe a bit easier.
You say your mother doesn’t want his cat back in the house implying that his cat has lived at your house in the past. If that’s true, how did the cats get along or not get along at that time? And if they didn’t get along, how bad was it? Just some hissing or full fledge cat fights? Does the house have a basement that could be turned into a separate living space for step brother and cat? I sympathize with brother’s position: I wouldn’t want to make that decision but if I really wanted to go to college I’d either be looking for someone I know and trust to take the cat with generous visiting rights or I’d be looking for my own living accommodations that would allow the cat.
Realistically this is your moms house and she gets to decide what she wants in the house. Is there some place in the house the cat and brother can live separate from the rest of the house? Like a basement
Your mom sucks. No true animal lover would force a boy and his cat to part.
Make attempts to rehome the cat.
He can always give up his cat for adoption if his college is important to him and clearly the only way to manage his studies is to stay with you guys. I am of the firm belief that when you are looking to stay with someone you have to live under their roof with their rules. Your mom is justified in her opinion. It’s not a right or wrong thing. Its boundaries and rules. It’s his choice. If he would rather stay in a crappy environment with his mom for the sake of his cat and ruin his future well we live in America. It’s a free country. He is an adult at 23. He can make his own decision by weighing his options.