My girlfriend (22F) and I (21M) have been together for over two years. At the beginning, I really loved her — not just because of how she made me feel, but because of who she was and who I believed she could become. Over time though, I started noticing patterns that left me emotionally drained: things like deflecting blame, avoiding responsibility in conflict, and getting overly defensive instead of hearing me out.
For a while, I excused these things. I knew she had anxiety, and I thought maybe I was just the one who needed to be more patient or understanding. I didn’t want to give up on her. I’ve also had my own issues — including past struggles with unhealthy coping like porn — and I’ve tried to face them, grow, and show up better. I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve genuinely worked hard to become more self-aware and accountable.
Recently, we had one of our most honest conversations yet. I expressed how much hurt I’ve been carrying and how tired I feel trying to make things work. She apologized and said she wants to change. She even started therapy. But even in that conversation, I noticed the same patterns — focusing on how hurt she felt instead of acknowledging the pain I was sharing, or shifting the blame subtly back to me. It left me wondering: if growth is really happening, why does it still feel like I’m in the same emotional loop?
What’s made this harder is how conflicted I’ve felt since then. I care deeply about her. I want to believe she’s finally ready to grow because she wants to — not because of pressure or circumstance. But I also feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t recognize who I am anymore. My boundaries have blurred and my hope has started to feel like denial.
She’s about to leave on a two-week trip, and when she gets back, we’ll finally be able to see each other in person again. I don’t want to make a rushed decision, but I also don’t want to sit in more confusion just because I’m afraid to hurt her or be seen as the one who gave up.
How do I know if I’m holding onto something that’s just keeping us both stuck?
TL;DR;
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 2 years. I love her deeply, but we’ve had an ongoing pattern of deflection and lack of accountability that’s left me emotionally drained. I’ve tried to grow and change myself, and she’s recently started therapy and said she wants to improve — but even in serious conversations, those same patterns show up. I feel like I’ve lost myself trying to make it work. She’s leaving for a 2-week trip, and I’m torn between giving it more time or ending things when she returns. How do I know when it’s wise to let go versus keep hoping?