Toronto, Ontario
I’m not sure if this is the right place for this. Please forgive the long post. My (28M)fiancé (28F)has always been very controlling. She gets upset when I don’t do things exactly right and often contradicts herself. She wants me to go out and be more social, but will call and yell at me when I do. She wants me off my phone, but sits there on hers. She wants me to go to the gym but complains when I’m there too long.
Honestly, I’ve been pretty love struck so I didn’t really pick up on these things until everything fell apart. She has a bit of a drinking problem. Not that she drinks constantly but when she does, she doesn’t know her limit. With wedding planning, and my busy work schedule to pay for the wedding, she tends to go out on weekends with her girlfriends since I’m home late anyway and she enjoys it, so she deserves to unwind after a busy week. We typically do lunches and overnight trips when my schedule will allow it. And when I’m off in the evenings we make dinner together to connect.
She’s nitpicked before, but I kind of wrote it off as her personality and always adjusted. Ex. She didn’t want me running the washer/dryer so much, so I went from twice to once a week (I work two jobs and one is construction, so my clothes get dirty fast). She thought I had too much clothes even though we each have the same storage space, so I donated the clothes she didn’t like. She didn’t like when I cooked late coming home from my second job (event staff) so I would pick something up on the way home. I felt like this was regular couple stuff.
All in all, she’s been excited about the wedding, and our new apartment, so I thought everything was good.
Long story short, a few weeks ago she came home hammered, which is nothing new, but she got outright mean. I wrote it off as just being drunk (sometime she playfully teases me when she’s drinking), but when she sobered up, she was still really mean. Her controlling attitude escalated until she was pretty much unbearable and she ended up telling me she deserved better and that she wanted to start over and I needed to leave. She started listing all these weird faults? I don’t get along with her friends who I have never met because they don’t live in our country. I don’t make an effort with her family (I’m very close to her brother, we game often together, and we have dinner with her parents once a month), and that I’m too dependant on her (I do tend to put her first a lot, but I kind of thought that was normal?) Then she basically told me to leave.
I gave her some space and slept at my brothers a few nights, asking how he thought I should fix this, and it was then that he pointed out that she is kind of abusive so maybe this was a good thing. I don’t know, she’s still the love of my life and I can’t wrap my head around all this. After a few nights, I went back because I needed more clothes but also because I wanted to see if we could talk things out. She flat out refused and said her friends all agreed.
My issue now, is she is downright hostile. She is nice every so often when she wants something, but other than that, she is short, cold, often annoyed. She basically said we’re done and she’s keeping the apartment, and I need to “figure it out”.
Then radio silence for a month outside of a few drunk “I miss you” texts while I couch hopped. The last time I went over to grab clothes, she kissed me and basically said she wished things could be different and talked about the proposal, and all the little things we’ve done together, so I tried to talk it out again but she got super angry and kicked me out again.
Now, she is telling me I need to pay half the rent because I’m on the lease. I spoke to the landlord about potentially removing me from the lease, but he said she has to agree and she’s refusing. She’s refusing to agree to sign the lease over to someone else. What can I even do here? My brother pointed out that since I’m on the lease, she can’t keep me from staying there, but the apartment is small. Being practically on top of one another, I can’t see how it will work with her behaviour. She’s refusing to even be civil. I asked her to reconsider finding a new tenant, and she basically says she doesn’t see why she should have to move just because I couldn’t change.
My brother said I could make a case for abuse to get off the lease, but I don’t want to do that to her. She can be mean, but she’s a nice person and we’ve been together for six years. I just feel like that’s a step too far, my mother agrees. I honestly don’t think this is abuse.
Is this abuse? They’re really pushing that I go forward with this, especially after my brother read some texts, but I feel like if I end the tenancy citing abuse that’s dishonest and could further upset her.
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she wants you to pay but not live there. thats financial abuse, besides the rest of it. you sound like a great catch, move on. (but get off the lease first)
Yes, everything you mentioned is a form of abuse, and abuse is about patterns of behavior and well, this certainly is a pattern!
Financial abuse is very common, it’s not unusual to create a situation where their victim is on the hook for money. But she is controlling as all hell, her contradictions are contradictory because keeping you on edge is the entire point.
Make your case for abuse, or pay half the rent for the remainder of the lease. Save all your correspondence with her, bring any witnesses you can, she will no doubt use her charms to manipulate the judge. If possible, talk to a lawyer about this.
I only had to read the first paragraph to agree it sounded abusive. Then in the second paragraph I read she’s an alcoholic. Yes she is abusive.
You were right to get out and I would stay out. Even if it may irk her to have you around, it’ll be just as bad a situation for you, if not worse.
I wouldn’t pay her rent. Legally, you likely owe her, but if she is refusing to find a new roommate just out of spite, she may have a difficult time trying to sue you for it.
she sounds exhausting!
She’s extremely controlling and seems abusive. Idk about Ontario but where I live if two parties are on a lease, they’re both responsible, but if one person leaves the other person is 100% responsible. Look up the laws where you live, you may be able to just leave and not be responsible.. sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can heal from this quickly.
At first I thought that the purpose of your post was to get advice about whether to cancel the wedding engagement and break up.
But it sounds like actually you’re just asking about how to handle the apartment lease?
I think she’s abusive but even if I’m wrong, the bottom line is that regardless of whether her behavior fits the exact definition of “abusive” she’s hostile and selfish and unstable and drunk.
Hopefully you’ve decided you’re not going to marry this train wreck. You don’t want to spend 50 years with this toxic person, right?
As for the apartment lease, go consult an expert. Go see a lawyer who knows about local rent laws. If you can’t afford that, in some cities there are non-profit tenant rights organizations that have lawyers who do pro bono consultations
Wow dude. Sounds like the rest of your life will be miserable if you marry this person.
Do you want the rest of your life to be this bad, but even worse?
“She can be mean, but she’s a nice person”. 😶
She is abusive!! Your mom and brother are right. Talk to an attorney if you need to do so. She is NOT NICE. She’s is mean, manipulative and selfish. You just had rose-colored glasses on.
Once this is over, you might want to see a therapist so that you can learn to set healthy boundaries and so that you can recognize what a good relationship looks like, because this isn’t it.
If her friends live in a different country, then who are the friends she’s drinking with? Do you know them? She seems to spend a lot of time with friends. Is that via her phone/computer or in person?
I don’t know that I believe much about this version of events. You depict yourself in a very strange manner. Calculating perhaps?
However I agree that your ex is a very disagreeable lady and you should have no compunction in getting her out of your life by whatever means necessary. Good luck. Wise up. Move on.
It feels like she’s created a situation where you feel like you need her this is classic abusive behaviour. Don’t go over for a quick make out session cos she drunk and horny. You need to respect yourself more. Do not pay her any money
If you’re not staying there she can pay or tell her she can move out and you’ll pay. She’s put herself in this position. I know it’s hard you thought you were gonna marry her. She’s not a nice person nice people don’t be bullying car crashes- sort out the house and cut off her access to you. If she texts leave it to the next day to reply
“ if you want me out, you have to cover the entire lease. If you want me to pay, I’ll be moving back in and you can move into the guestroom. I’ve talked to my lawyer and I have every right to be in that apartment. We can act independent of each other and get our own food and try to stay out of each other’s way until the lease is out.”
“she can be mean, but she’s a nice person”
Great. So are we just making up new meanings for words? Because that sentence doesn’t make any fucking sense
Just curious, which parts of her behaviour seem nice to you? She has been downright awful to you.
She manipulates you, tries to control you, gaslights you. Takes zero responsibility for her role in the relationship.
Thank your lucky stars aren’t marrying her. Your brother is correct.
Give her a choice. She agrees to take you off the lease or you will make a case against her.
As a woman? This woman doesn’t like you… at all. No matter what she says.
Everything you’ve said? She’s NOT a nice person, in any way.
She’s abusive… In SO MANY ways: Verbally, Emotionally, Mentally, & Financially.
When she drinks? It’s removing her filters, so she’s just more honest… She’s showing you exactly how she feels & what she thinks (& none of it is love towards you).
She’s selfish & manipulative. She’s only nice to you if she wants something, it’s the most convenient way to get her way, &/or there’s some direct benefit to her.
She’s controlling/complaining in order to DELIBERATELY make your life more difficult.
She’s out partying & spending $$$ regularly. She’s willing to allow you to work MORE for wedding $, but then she’s:
Asking you to do laundry less often -and- get rid of clothes? Absolutely inconsiderate & utterly ridiculous.
Not allowing you to make meals at home after work? Completely unhelpful & unacceptable.
Please speak to a lawyer who is familiar with real estate/property rental laws in your province IMMEDIATELY!
Since she’s told you to move out & has no plans to allow you to return, there isn’t any reason you should continue to pay for anything at the apartment.
For your own protection:
DO NOT communicate with her unless it’s in writing (text/eMail).
DO NOT answer phone calls, let her leave a message.
DO NOT see her in person by yourself. If you have to see her, bring a witness with you. If it’s legal, record any interactions (video &/or audio).
I would find out (from the lawyer + landlord/tenant laws) if you’re legally allowed to pay your ‘share’ into an escrow account while this is being (legally) figured out.
Paying rent & utilities into escrow shows you have paid your share & are withholding payments until a legal dispute has been settled. This is often done in the US when there’s tenant/landlord issues (but I’m unsure if it’s allowed in Canada).
The lawyer should know the fastest way for you to legally break the lease without penalty.
IMO, if you need to file a statement of her behavior & the ongoing abuse, PLEASE DO IT IMMEDIATELY. You deserve to get away from her & move on.
Please find a therapist who specializes in helping you to set healthy boundaries, treating yourself with respect/kindness, & hopefully learning how to prevent falling into future relationships like this one.
Why would you choose to get married to this?
She is a mean drunk, probably an alcoholic, with extreme anger issues. You deserve better.