Dated my wife for 4 years. Married in late 2024.
Since our wedding in November we have been intimate on 5 occasions. Prior to our wedding I would regularly enjoy going down on her, and she would reciprocate on me.
I enjoy giving and receiving oral. It’s a huge part of intimacy for me. I also had some kinks that I enjoyed.
Since we got married all intimacy has ceased practically overnight.
I have tired the following:
- Asking her if anything was wrong. Specifically if she was feeling depressed or down. She says she isn’t.
- Asking if there is a hygiene issue on my part. She said there wasn’t.
- Asking if we can be intimate more frequently than once every 6 weeks or so. The answer is no.
- Asking if she would consider joining my in martial counselling. Answer is no.
- Asking why she used to go down on me so often. She replied that she never really enjoyed it in the first place.
Sex is a huge part of the relationship to me. I’m not ready to give it up when I’m still so young.
There have also been some other issues as well. My wife has gotten rid of my sex toys. They were missing from my cupboard and I asked where they’d gone. She expressed disgust that I still had them.
Additionally, she has asked me not to use pornography. This was something which we agreed early on in the relationship, which I was content with. However, now that she has gotten rid of my toys and also refuses intimacy I’m feeling a strong urge to just watch it again.
I don’t really feel like there’s anything for me in this relationship anymore. It kind of feels like as soon as we got married she just stopped trying and felt like she didn’t need to make an effort anymore.
In terms of household chores, I do all the cooking as she’s unable to cook. I do the washing + drying of clothes and deep cleaning of kitchen and both bathrooms. She does folding of clothes, dusting and hoovering. No children.
I feel our domestic workloads are fairly evenly balanced, maybe slightly tipped heavier on my end with all the cooking and meal prep. That part doesn’t bother me too much though as I prefer being the one who cooks.
TL;DR Wife is refusing almost all intimacy after marriage. No more oral sex. Got rid of my toys. Refuses martial counselling. Refuses to tell me what is wrong. I’m feeling starved of any affection.
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Divorce.
You got roped in (love bombed) by a lazy narcissists.
Now you are nothing more than live in housekeeping, a paycheck and emotional dumping ground and it only gets worse…
Get out early and don’t look back matter what she tries to rope you back in.
For me the biggest red flag here is refusing to go to marriage counseling.
Whenever there are issues within a marriage, and the other person outright refuses to go to counseling when it’s clearly needed, that tells me they don’t respect their partner. There are clearly some issues that she’s refusing to talk about, and that is not a good sign.
Hey, maybe she’s asexual and doesn’t want to have sex any more, but these sorts of things need to be communicated. You guys need to talk, and she’s refusing.
For me, I would absolutely walk out. I know people are so quick to say things like that on reddit, but it takes two people to fix a marriage. She’s outright refusing to do her part. If she’s refusing to communicate so early in the marriage, just think what your life is going to look like twenty years down the road. Do you really want to live like this?
I don’t want to be one of those people on Reddit who jump to divorce as the first option, but it looks like you’ve already suggested counselling and stuff like that. It looks like she simply doesn’t want to have sex with you and doesn’t want to change that.
Have one last talk about how serious this problem is, but it sounds like you’re just not sexually compatible.
Counseling
Then Divorce. 🤷🏻♀️
Divorce but also get tested. Your post genuinely reminds me of that post where OPs wife told him that she did everything in power to get with him because his best friend liked him and after they got married she stopped doing everything. I’m not saying your wife is doing that but something definitely happen around the time you got married to cause this
Maybe pretend like you aren’t married for only sex?
just end it now. She wants no sex or intimacy and expects you to follow her rules about it. She never i tends for anything to change.
It sounds like you’re being too soft. Straight up ask her if she’s unwilling to have any intimacy and unwilling to go to counseling to discuss things, why should yall stay married?
You’re way too young to not be having sex on a more consistent basis without any children. Look up the studies on men who do vs don’t have consistent sexual excursions and prostate cancer.
Keep us updated Op but definitely time to make it very clear, no intimacy dead bedroom means divorce is imminent.
No to counseling. Doesn’t care about your concerns. No porn, no toys, but still no sex.
Not sure why you’d stick around, she isn’t willing to compromise or work on things.
It’s easier to have a roommate paying half the bills and cleaning up after themselves than this.
Women don’t usually change their sexual habits for no reason. There’s more to your story, as in her side of it.
Are you absolutely positive she’s not in another relationship? Do yall get along other than this?
This is really weird bc it sounds like she genuinely doesn’t care and has already checked out of the relationship, was there any indication of this before you got married?
If she’s not willing to go to counseling then divorce her.
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work.. my opinion is that it sounds like you are willing but she is not.. so basically you’re banging your head against a wall and getting nowhere.. I wouldn’t say that you should divorce or anything just yet but I would definitely have a serious talk about her wanting to carry her weight in this marriage and if not I would probably throw in the towel and surrender to divorce.. you CAN NOT do it on your own.. good luck and I hope you get the change or at least her trying to change for the better..
Sounds like that one story where the wife was actually asexual and didn’t tell her husband til after they were married cause she thought he wouldn’t leave. Spoiler alert, he divorced her anyway. Sounds like that’s what you’re gonna have to do..
You just described my marriage, except that the sex stopped after the first child. (We had sex one more time to conceive no. 2). I made all kinds of excuses for her: episiotomy healing, post partum depression etc. I also worked full-time – sole earner – and most of the cooking, shopping, vacuuming etc.. She also refused counselling or therapy. I stuck with it for 20 years for the kids. Then divorced (after giving counseling one more shot). Lost half my wealth and paid alimony for decades. Kids blame me (poor mom!). I am much happier now, found someone else, regained my wealth (and then some). You don’t have kids. We were both tricked. Get out now. Do not let her get pregnant. Prepare everything ahead of time, quietly. My ex went on a major shopping spree before our finances were separated (knowing that the debt would be joint). Divorce, don’t just separate. She can saddle you with joint debt while you are just separated. I’m sorry that you are in this situation. You only have one life and even less youth. Don’t waste it in this lousy situation.
why?… why is she suddenly changing the dynamic so much?. I think you need to have another serious discussion with her about how you are feeling about all this.
File for divorce
Move on
It will only get worse
28 is awful young for someone to retire your sex life. This is a clear bait and switch.
This part: “3. Asking if we can be intimate more frequently than once every 6 weeks or so. The answer is no.” NO? Just NO?? lol what in the actual fuck. That’s a lost cause.
Use whatever toys you want and watch whatever you want IMO. Lock the toy drawer. She made a hell of a lot of unilateral decisions that impact YOU, so you’re well within your rights to make a few unilateral decisions decisions that mostly impact YOU as well.
Get out before you have kids!! From what you’ve said, she essentially pulled a bait and switch… she made you think that marriage with her would be one thing, then when you agreed and got married, she stopped doing everything that got you to marry her in the first place. She saw some benefit to marrying you, and tricked you to get what she wanted. Get out. Get out now
A marriage takes two people to make it work. Open communication is a big part of any relationship. Ask her why she no longer wants to have sex or any type of intimacy and whether or not she wants to continue the relationship. If the answer doesn’t align with what you desire and she is unwilling to seek help for whatever the issue is, I would end the relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy. You are not a failure. It’s not your fault your wife no longer wants to be intimate.
She sounds like my ex so I fully understand. I asked him why he stopped putting any effort in. He very seriously replied “why should I? I already got you.”
The point to that is there are many people out there like that. They put in the effort to get into the relationship, but they don’t want to put in the effort to maintain the relationship.
Let your wife know that she needs to step up and start working on the marriage or she’s going to find herself to be single again.
You’ve only been married leas than a year. Cut your losses and run for the hills.
It won’t get better without her willing to change, and if you wait till you’ve been married 20+ years, its going to be a lot harder to leave.
I would guess that she wants to end the marriage but doesn’t want to take responsibility for its ending. Tell her that leaving is the only option so have a nice life. I doubt she will be heartbroken.
I can tell you from my experience that some people change the minute the ring goes on the finger. Happened to me twice. When people are dating, they are always trying to impress the other person. They do what it takes to keep that person in their life. Once they have you, with the marriage certificate and the wedding band, all things change.
I will never get married again. Two strikes. Won’t be a third.
She did the old BAIT AND SWITCH on you. The only thing to do is DIVORCE. Heck, I’d try annulment first, but otherwise, DIVORCE. No other way to proceed! She knows what she did, and doesn’t care about you at all! Good luck and stay strong, King!
The refusing marital counseling is a deal breaker. Did she just lead you on until you were stuck in a marriage with her???? How did she think that would go???
Tell her your plans are to leave if this is how the marriage is gonna be. You deserve happiness. You only have one short life, you need to live it best way you can. If she doesn’t change then really leave.
There’s something wrong here. Plainly tell her how you feel. Stop telling yourself it’s going to get better at this point. It’s not until you’re both open and working on it. Me personally, it’s not about sex, it’s about intimacy. I would hold on to marriage counseling. I agree with another commenter on here. Something changed or affected her around the time you exchanged vows.
Ah the old bait and switch. She roped you in, and once she had you locked down she revealed her true self. Just cut your losses. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Unfortunately the answer can only be divorce. Do you see yourself being ok living this way for the rest of your life? Unfortunately it will never improve. You said she declined a bj on your birthday and then went to the other room with a vibrator, that tells me it’s not a lack of libido, it’s a lack of libido for you. Sorry for the shitty bedside manners, I’m just speaking from experience.
Get an STI panel done. The same thing happened to me, turns out she was having a definite emotional, possible physical, affair with her buddy.
This is insane. You should absolutely divorce, she clearly pulled a bait-and-switch just to get married. I hope for your sake that she’s working. But go talk to a divorce lawyer next week and start planning. And when you hit her with the divorce papers, don’t fall for her begging or throwing you a bone to get you to stay… she’s already shown you she’s extremely manipulative, and doesn’t care about you or your feelings or needs one iota. Oh, and f×ck her, watch porn in the meantime. She felt just fine changing the terms of your relationship without your input, so you can do the same. You are WAY too young for this bull$hit… get out of this misery ASAP.
A lot of women have a hard time orgasming after the honeymoon phase ends. The excitement of having sex dies and the orgasms are less often. So then sex sometimes feels like a chore. If this is where she’s at it will be hard to get her out of that mindset if at all. The fact that you can’t look at porn or have toys or masturbate is disgusting. She’s ridiculous. I don’t understand why women do that. I don’t mind at all if my boyfriend does that. She sounds like you aren’t going to get what you need from her.
She pulled the classic bait and switch on you. It was all a lie to start with, she was never into it. She’s now daring you to leave, which is your only move. Potentially, the longer you wait, the more expensive it gets.
You’re way too young to have this problem. It’s pretty easy to move on now. It gets harder, more expensive, and longer to recover from as you get older.
Yeah, get out while you can. Seems like a control freak, not only withholding sex but not even letting you masturbate. She also lied about her sex drive and now that she has you seems to have taken the mask off. I wonder if she gets off (so to speak) on denying you, like a power trip. Refusing to do counseling is a problem too.
You’re already unhappy just 8 months in, for legitimate reasons that she refuses to address or rectify. Do you want to throw kids into the mix too? I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to get pregnant just to trap you. The lack of kids makes the mess minimal, it will only get harder to remove yourself from the situation. The only thing is women tend to be treated favorably in divorce cases. Look into divorce laws in your area and see what you can do.
Good luck.
Bro, unless there is an unexplored issue then you two are just not sexually compatible. No one’s at fault, but it makes sense you break up and find other people who you are more compatible with. It might suck that you seem to love each other and work well together in other ways.
Neither of you, barring some change on your sex drive, will be happy. If she starts having more sex with you out of obligation, she won’t enjoy it and possibly build resentment. I imagine if you stop having sex, you will be frustrated and possibly build resentment.
It’s the best time you’re not 10 years into a marriage and you have no kids. Don’t let others’ views of you dictate your actions.
It’s not “failing” to know when to fold and find something better. Life is short and time waits for no man
She changed once married. She isn’t the person you believed her to be. Best to run now than to waste 10 years living like this.
She’s either asexual and or tolerate sex BJ and your kinks until she got married. She likely figured once married she didn’t have to fake it. She probably said no to counselling because no amount of counselling will change her mind, abs she probably feeling like she will be hanged up on
I would have a conversation, tell her you have tried and tried but you won’t be in a dead bedroom situation in your 20s. You can try marriage counseling and if not, you are going to consult an attorney. Let her know you are serious. If she blows you off, she either doesn’t care, or there is someone else.
Was she aware of every kink before marriage, or was something a new discovery after? How compatible/incompatible are they? Was the porn anything extreme? You don’t have to say what they were, but sometimes finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes with particular interests can change the way you look at a person.
Run. For. It. Dude.
When you married, were any vows involved?? Does she think she’s keeping her vows? She’s not, at all. If she won’t go to counseling, you’re done. An annulment might be more accurate than a divorce! So sorry you are suffering at her hands. But better days can be ahead — good luck!
She sounds abusive af.
Annulment!
Sounds like bait and switch. She had sex with you enough to keep you around until “I do” and now she is dropping the act. Maybe she is asexual, maybe she isn’t attracted to you, who knows, the why is irrelevant if she isn’t willing to do counseling or anything to work on it. Short marriage, no kids, you are better off divorcing. And if you do make that decision, don’t have any sex with her, you don’t want an “unexpected” surprise that will complicate the divorce.
Get a divorce immediately. She conned you into marrying her.
As someone who divorced over this, I can only say that you do not want to live your life sex starved. I went through the same thing. Somehow, she didn’t have to do anything and the burden was 100% on me to deal with. That’s not marriage. She wouldn’t have sex with me, but I couldn’t have sex with anyone else. So I got out. Got laid. It was awesome
Add one more “no” — there’s no chance you’ll ever be happy in this marriage. She’s told you, to your face, that she doesn’t care about your feelings. Let her go be selfish and indifferent with someone else.
Grow a pair. First stop cooking and everything else and when she asks just say NO like her. Wtf is wrong with you, she traped you. Buy new sex toys with planty porn and play with yourself in front of her… looks all man are becoming pussies…
The answer is no. To the most important questions imo. I’m so sorry it sounds like it’s time to go.
So she used sex to trap you in a marriage and then showed her honest opinion that she thinks it’s gross, and for some reason you feel like you did something wrong? She metaphorically screwed you over dude.
She got what she wanted – the wedding and married life. Now she’s checked out because she sees no reason to put effort in. Idk if she’s trying to push you to file for divorce so she can paint you as the bad guy or if she genuinely thinks her mere existence as your wife should be enough but regardless this isn’t a marriage that will last. You can end it now or you can drag it out in misery and end it hating each other.
Bait-and-switch. You are perfectly justified in divorcing, if that’s what you’re asking.
Well, if she refuses to go to any sort of counseling, I think you have your answer on what to do. When I was young, a very long time ago, we used to joke that the bride was smelling at her wedding cause it was the last blowjob she was ever gonna give unfortunately for you. It seems like she heard about this and now she’s no reason why she should be getting intimate. Maybe you can get an annulment. Please update us.
UpdateMe
My friend, I’ve been around long enough, and survived a couple of marriages, so, I will write based on personal experience.
There is a difference between liking and valuing.
Women like sex as much as men do. But they don’t value sex in the same way. Much of it has to do with how easy it is for them to get it. And it’s common knowledge that humans value something based on how hard they have to work for it.
Then, there is the emotional part. For people like you and me, it is the crux of connection, the physical manifestation of emotional bond, and oral is the most selfless aspect of it. I get you there, 100%. For the vast majority of women after the initial excitement wears off, sex becomes mostly a duty to their partner, a nuisance, which ultimately leads to so many women using sex as currency. Sometimes it’s a reward for something a man does, sometimes it’s a tool to get him to do something.
So what is it that women do value? What has been historically hard for them to achieve? The answer is stability and security. And they aren’t just thinking about themselves, often times they have kids to worry about. Thus, a woman is far more likely to pull out all the stops and act wild and fun and adventurous right up until marriage. Now that she got you, she doesn’t have to try so hard. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and have her served with the divorce papers. She will instantly turn into a freak like you’ve only dreamed of.
If you don’t want to divorce, then all you can do is wait until the next milestone, which, going by her age, is right around the corner. She is going to want that baby, and you’ll just have to figure out how to incorporate oral into that.
Once the baby is born, it’s a wrap. If you think things between you are bad now, you ain’t seen nothin yet. So, my opinion is that staying in a sexless marriage where nothing is holding you down, like the kids, is a decision you will come to deeply regret one day. As I said in the beginning, I was lucky to survive 2 marriages before learning my lesson. Good luck to you.
The lack of intimacy is hurting the marriage but it’s the total disrespect and lack of empathy for your feelings that will ultimately kill the marriage. She doesn’t even care for your feelings. And that is the death knell here.
So divorce? She deceived you and she’s not willing to change, so just leave…
For some folks, as soon as a relationship feels safe, secure, predictable… all uncertainty is gone… they just shut down sexually. They tend to be very avoidant in nature. They tend to be horrible partners in long-term monogamy.
Dude imagine 5, 10, 20 years into the future. Do you really want to start a sexless marriage at 28? She doesn’t care about your feelings/needs at all.
Don’t walk.
Run. Run screaming. Get out before children or property are involved.