Names changed in text. So me (Jim) (29M) and my ex (Kate 31F) had been together for a year.
Everything was going so good I thought, she told me she loved me so many times, I told her I loved her and I still do. We were planning having kids together, meeting each other’s families. Viewing houses together to move in with each other. It was the happiest I have ever been in my life and she told me she was the same, that she was happy and so glad she met me.
Over the year there were no arguments, we never fought. We were on the same page on basically everything. Kate has a tendency to overthink and let things that aren’t issues into her head and spiral. There was times she got the idea that I only said I wanted to do something to please her and she let that into her head upsetting her (not the case it was something I wanted to do). But we would always talk through it and i could reassure her. In the past she was on medicarion to help with stuff like this.
Stuff like that happened alot over the year, before we agreed to move in together she went sale agreed on 2 houses then got an idea into her head and panicked over it and pulled out regretting it later. She wanted to quit her job completely once an idea was in her head but 2 weeks later was back to loving it. Basically she has this tendency to let a bad idea in and let it grow, normally when it happens I am there and we talk through it and everything is good, I reassure her that whatever idea she has let in might not be the case and to talk through it with someone (not just me if it involves me) before making any decisions (this is not just me saying this, she has said it herself many many times).
3-4 weeks ago the 2 of us went on holiday and it was the happiest time of my life. She said the same that it was the happiest she had been. We were still talking about having kids, our life in the future, what plans we would make. She told me she loved me so much and I told her. I had met the love of my life and I thought she told me the same.
2 weeks ago she went on another holiday (10 days) with a group of female friends. This wasn’t a party drinking holiday or anything like that, it was a relaxing long walk through beautiful countryside. For the first half everything was good between us. We were texting every night when she reached the hostel, ( I know for a fact her phone data in this country wasn’t working right because it didn’t work for her on our holiday just before that) she was sending me pictures of what they were doing. I was happy that she was happy and enjoying herself. Half way through we had quick half hour chat on the phone when she had the chance and everything was good. As the second half of the holiday passed I noticed a slight change but didn’t think much of it (she had a family issue just start at that point when she was away) I tried to comfort her as much as I could, thinking that was what it was.
When she came back things seemed a bit off but I thought it was the family emergency still. We were still making plans for dates in the coming weeks. I tried to organise a date to see her when she returned but got excuses back.
A day later we had a chat on the phone were she said she didn’t miss me on the holiday as much as she thought she would. And that that was freaking her out. That other people there were ringing there boyfriend every night and she felt upset that she didn’t feel the need to (we don’t do calls every night anyway when we live an hour away from each other, we text every night which we were still doing when she was on holiday). She said this idea got into her head that something was missing and that this holiday being so peaceful opened her eyes to it.
We agreed to talk in person the next day. 4 hours of chatting and crying. Main point of it was that on this holiday without me some doubt got into her head. A doubt that had been there before but went away that something was missing between us and that even though she did love me she couldn’t keep going with this doubt in inside.
I know all this sounds like a ramble but it’s broken me.
I can’t understand how 3 weeks ago we were both having the best time in our lives, she was telling how much she loves me and wantd to be with me. We were talking about future plans already wanting to book another holiday with each other. Then she goes away on this second holiday without me and ends things the first time we see each other.
It’s really messing with my mind, I don’t know if all the good times we had in the past are real or not now, how can someone say they love you and they are the happiest they have ever been 1 week, then the next want to end things?
How do I get through this? It has completely blindsided me, for me it was our holiday which was amazing, the happiest I have been in my life. Then the next time I see her she ends it.
I don’t know if this is one of those ideas that got into her head from us not calling each other enough as the other couple and it has just festered into something bigger.
I’m just lost and struggling. I dont think I’ll ever understand or know for sure if what we had was real or not.
Comments
the same thing happened to me a few years ago – me and my (ex) boyfriend were in the best place of our relationship and he decided to spend NYE with his
friend since he was going through a tough time. broke up with me afterwards. less than a week between happiest we’d ever been to single. i understand that feeling and i’m so sorry, it’s such a head fuck.
what i can say in hindsight is 1) she will regret it, it’s up to you whether you want to try again. 2) there are people out there who will be certain of you, who will communicate better, who won’t self sabotage out of fear. 3) your heartbreak will turn into anger, try not to do anything cruel or stupid when that happens. go no contact if you can.
you deserve somebody who is sure about you, who communicates with you, etc. there was never a guarantee that you would’ve stayed together forever, but you deserved the chance to try.
She cheated and broke it off because she is ashamed.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know it hurts a lot.
It will take time to see it but you are better off without her in the long run. If she is away from you even briefly she lets her thoughts run wild and you can’t always be there to spend hours talking her down.
Something can be “real” and great and yet not be what you want in the long run. Your story is hardly rare, to be honest.
When a person enters a relationship, they gain something and they lose something. You gain a partner, obviously, and all the things that brings with it – not just sex or someone living with you, but hopefully you sharing your life with your favorite person.
But you also lose a lot of things. First, you lose stuff you don’t mind losing when you are in love – stuff like “No more flirting with other people” or “No more spontaneously staying out and getting drunk as much as I want”. But overall, a relationship also brings changes that aren’t “bad”, but simply happen: By having a partner, you usually have a bit less time with friends. Or you can’t be as spontaneous anymore because you are naturally considering your partner. Or you can’t be as messy anymore, which might be a good thing. Overall, you have to put “work” into a relationship – work of being a present, good partner, which ideally is something you don’t mind doing at all because the happiness of the other person is your happiness.
So when there is a time apart, especially if it’s the first time in a relationship where you spend time without your partner for quite a while, then you are suddenly “single again”. Not in the way that you are flirting with someone else, but in the way that you suddenly don’t have to consider structuring your life around another person for a few days. And then, people sometimes start to reevaluate if what they gain from the relationship is so much better than what they lose. And even if the gain is there, if you were truly happy – sometimes, you come to the conclusion that it’s not “that much more”; that overall yes, it’s a good and happy relationship, but you clearly don’t miss your partner enough if you are also totally fine without him. That you have been happy in the relationship, but that you misjudged how “much” happier you have been. That your happiness was different, but that you were also just as happy when single – as it had other perks and drawbacks.
And for some people, that’s not enough. That “a different sort of happiness” isn’t enough – that they feel like it should be more; a sort of “man, I wish my partner would be here so that we could experience all of this together”-thing where a relationship is only preferable to being single when it is something that isn’t just “different happiness”, but “a much greater happiness, to the point of not wanting to be without it at all” compared to being single.
So this is not a reflection of you or her faking something or the relationship “not being real”. It is a reflection of how much she values different sorts of happiness. It’s quite possible she never lied – that she truly was the happiest with you she’s ever been – but that she decided that, when faced with experiencing again how it was without you for a few days, even “the happiest she’s ever been” wasn’t enough happiness long-term. And yes, there’s a chance she came to that conclusion based on what she saw others do and what she came to imagine a relationship should “look like” based on the conclusions she drew.
I’m sorry about this ,but something is definitely off about her even before she went on the holiday with her friends, I would distance myself from her and see how it goes but she’s pretty unstable like she needs to be back on medication
Most likely she hooked up someone and this is the easiest way to end it without coming clean.
My ex-wife went away on a work related team building trip and dropped the bomb when she returned. I blamed a colleague of hers for a long time who didn’t like me for convincing her to leave, and there could be a bit of substance to that. However, in hindsight, I think it more likely that my ex had wanted to leave for a long while prior to her trip, but found the courage while she was away. Meaning the trip, her friend, the team building exercises, whatever simply helped along what ultimately would have been inevitable. Bottom line that was years ago. It gets better. You will find happiness again
Whatever the reasons she’s made the choice, move on
Given the history you provided for her, I would say there is a strong chance she will suddenly miss you in a few weeks and try to come running back to you…
But the damage to the relationship has been done. You’ll never be able to see her as a dependable partner.
She probably should work with a therapist on her issues. Because she will self-sabotage all her happiness in life if she continues the pattern.
The GF met someone on the trip. They hooked up and she wants to explore his space for a while. Sorry