My wife and I have been married for 4 years. She has never said anything about being attracted to other women.
Last week she sat me down and told me she is experiencing being attracted to women and would like to explore this. She said she would only do this for a year to “get it out of her system.”
I’m not comfortable with this and am not sure how to handle this. I told her I didn’t want her to do this, but she said she needed to or would otherwise start to resent me.
I’m at a loss for how to handle this. She is the love of my life and I don’t know that I want her sleeping with women.
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It’s okay to love her and still feel deeply uncomfortable, your boundaries matter just as much as hers.
You can’t stop people from doing anything.
If she wants to sleep with other people probably time for a divorce.
Exploring identity is valid, but so is not wanting to redefine your marriage on someone else’s terms.
You are not wrong for struggling with this, it’s a major shift. A therapist (solo or together) might help navigate this with clarity.
Is she comfortable with you exploring other partners as well? She is basically asking for an open relationship… so you need to decide if this is for you or a marriage killer… sorry…
You have to let her do this, or you could lose her for good.
I would have been gone, gone, gone, gonneeeee….I would been gone!! What in the stupid and ridiculous excuse is this! Absolutely not, this feels like she blinded OP!! She is wasting your time. A year really? She can go be single. Don’t let her make you the bad guy cause she will turn everyone against you in one and call you homophobe just for saying no
It wouldn’t just be for a year. What she is doing is asking for a one sided open relationship.
Ask her about what you are supposed to do whilst she is exploring. Can you explore as well? Tell her if she can see other women then so can you. If she doesn’t like the idea of you sleeping with other women then tell her that’s exactly how you feel.
Her marriage vows include women. “Forsaking all others” means just that. If you’re not willing to open this marriage, don’t.
She’ll have to decide what to do with that, and she may leave you to explore this side of herself.
But if you agree to her having sex with others, you will need to decide what to do with that, and you may leave her because that isn’t what you signed up for.
It takes time to understand one’s needs, yours as well as hers. Ask her how she would look at the existing relationship if she gets to explore. Think about what you want, what she wants, how you can try to maintain everything while still achieving what you individually want.
It will take several rounds of discussion to be at peace.
Have patience and have transparent talks.
Essentially, she is wanting you to allow her to cheat and sleep with other people. You need to decide where the line is and if she crosses that line, that is a violation of your relationship together as a married couple. If you aren’t comfortable with this, make your boundaries clear. If she crosses that line, let her— but she loses you.
So she wants to cheat on your marriage vows basically. Being bisexual isn’t some magic not really cheating hack; I’m bi and have never had difficulty understanding that when I’m in a relationship it means I can’t kiss other men nor women, because that is cheating.
Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender. Either you can live with a year of both of you seeing others and you mutually open the relationship for a year, or you’re not ok with it and you say no. But giving her full permission to explore for a year while you can do nothing is deeply unfair and a way of using gender as an argument for her to cheat while you remain faithful.
Being attracted to a specific gender isn’t something you “get out of your system.” Being in any exclusive relationship is making a voluntary choice to not act on those feelings or letting them get out of hand.
You cannot, however, stop your wife from doing that. All you can do is communicate, set boundaries, and control your reaction. This seems like a deal breaker for you (and would be for most people), so you need to communicate that.
If she then violates that boundary, you divorce her.
You can’t stop another person from doing anything – well, unless you’re planning to hurt or coerce them, which I sincerely hope isn’t something you’re considering – so if what she wants to do is incompatible with what you want out of a relationship, then the only option is to break up.
Divorce her.
Well, I think if you’re not okay with letting her do that, it’s one of those situations where an ultimatum is justified. Tell her you either stay married and she respects the vow she made, or you divorce and she can go off and sleep with whoever she pleases.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with this.
Being bisexual is not an excuse to cheat on your partner. She is super disrespectful.
The entitlement of people.
Dude, you cannot control anyone else, how they feel or actions they take, only yourself. Make sure you maintain self respect and protect yourself.
I wouldnt even try to work through this, because liklihood of her doing it behind your back is high.
I’m sorry but it’s fine she realized that, it’s fine if she starts identifying as Bi and you support her, but she is MARRIED, is not about being straight, gay or Bi, it’s about commitment and monogamy….. (Unless of course u guys had some kind of open relationship). You can’t just play that card to cheat in your relationship…. And if she starts guilt tripping you because “you don’t accept her” or shit like that, gtfo :’). I’m sorry you are experiencing this, have live through it with GFS but can’t imagine being so bold as to do it in a married scenario. She could have totally tried to propose a threesome or sth like that in the spirit of sharing and experimentation….. Going out of the relationship under that excuse is just wanting to cheat…
Sounds like her mind is made up. And after having this conversation, are you really going to believe her if she says “ok honey, I won’t.”? If your post was past tense, “my wife has been sleeping with women for the past year and just told me.”, everyone in the comments would be screaming, “why couldn’t she just tell you beforehand this was a thing? Why cheat!?” Well, if you think of it that way, she’s being the better of the two options.
That’s why you never get into a relationship with a bi sexual.
If you’re ok with her sleeping with others then there’s your answer. If not then straying from the marriage is a deal breaker and get a divorce.
She is clearly concerned with only herself and not you or the oath she took.
She is not the love of your life. You think she is. These are all things that should not have come out after the big party. Hope she has the same amount of assets as you as the government contract you signed is going to cost you b
You can’t stop her but you can let her know your position. You are married and vows mean something so you need to be clear this isn’t an option for her and that it’s not exploration, but cheating because you both aren’t in agreement. You need to decide prior to your conversation what you will do if she proceeds with this.
The best you can do is try to convince on what she’s giving up and there is no turning back. If she does this your marriage is likely over but she may not see it this way. Popular media and internet advice may convince her you’re too controlling.
Honestly she’s already started the snowball. Just go in shock and awe.
Present her with two envelopes. One with divorce papers and the other with couples and therapy.
Tell her if she’s opening the relationship then you’ll also be exploring with other people as it’s only fair.
Grey Rock, drop the relationship down to cohabitation. No emotions, no intimacy, no deep conversations. Be polite, just work and try and avoid her. Act like a work colleague.
Honestly coming back from this needs her to want to. She’s going through an identity crisis but doesn’t want to drop the safety. Letting her go will be hard but probably easier in the long run.
Good luck OP
She has a two choice dilemma which then creates a two choice dilemma for you.
She wants to explore her sexuality AND stay married to you. You want to stay married to her monogamously. Ya’ll can’t have both if her need is open and your need is closed. If she doesn’t explore but then resents you then she avoided being an adult and resolving her two choice dilemma. If she does explore and you stay married and resent her, you failed to be an adult and make a decision. You both have to make decisions and which ever one you make HAS to include acceptance of the one you’re not choosing.
You are completely within your right to say you don’t want an open marriage and tell her if she needs to explore then the marriage must end. Yes, this path might be painful but it’s better than resentful anger that bubbles up all over your life.
I’m sorry you are going through this!
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. If you’re not comfortable with it (and why would you be, she’s asking for permission to cheat for a year), you just need to set your own boundary.
“I’m glad you’ve discovered you’re bisexual. I am not ok with either of us engaging sexually with other people regardless of their sex. If that’s something you need or you actually pursue in this marriage, we are no longer compatible and I will be filing for divorce” you can even add “I will always love you but I will not be married to someone who has sex with other people, regardless of the reason”.
Done.
I would say she is already sleeping around on you bud, time for a lawyer and divorce.
Give her credit for being honest with you instead of cheating behind your back. She probably already has someone in mind.
It’s sounds like this is her first move towards separation and divorce. You can tell her that you understand but that it’s a dealbreaker for you.
Either of you can make the next move.
Well OP. Much as you love her. She obviously does not have the same depth of feeling for you. This bi thing is just a gateway to other things. She doesn’t respect you and is exploring your boundaries. Next she’ll be poly/bi. If you’ve gone for this. You’ll pretty much have to go for that.
And. ‘For a year’ ? Really !!! Do either of you really think that this is going to just magically disappear at the end of the trial period ? Offer her the ultimate freedom to go and explore her inclinations. The marriage/relationship that you thought you had is gone. Never to return. Why put yourself through a year of emotional ‘death by a thousand cuts’ ?
No kids. Only married for four years. You are still young and at the top of your game. Make the move now. AND ON YOUR TERMS. Tell her that you want an immediate divorce. And don’t relent. Anything that she offers you will be both temporary and a complete lie. She is NOT who and what you thought she was. The lizard skin is now clearly visible. You can do this. Good luck.
Tell her only if you can hold the camera.
She’s met somebody. If she’s attracted to women she can’t just work that out of her system, she just doesn’t want to be responsible for dumping or divorcing you. She will never come back after a year
The relationship is already over if she wants to have sexual relationships outside of your marriage, be brave or be miserable.
I would stop thinking of it in terms of “how do you stop her” (you can’t) but instead ask yourself “what are you willing to accept”. If you can’t accept this, make it clear to her that this will end the marriage.
I would treat this no differently than if she came home and said “I don’t like working I’m going to take a year off and rediscover my passion”. There’s nothing wrong with it if your spouse is willing to support you, but they are also under no obligation to agree to it, and many wouldn’t.
She won’t get it out of her system if she’s Bi. Then again, she may try it and realize it’s not for her. I doubt you can stop her. Decide if an open marriage is what you want.
I would give her the ultimatum!
Being bi isn’t a magical free pass, and she just wants to open the marriage for her. More than likely, she is already cheating or at least has someone lined up. You really have two choices here, tell her no, except her resenting you and cheating anyway or just end it.
Ask her if she would explore with you, having you be present and engaged in experiences together. This is either about exploring her physical attraction to the same sex or it’s about falling in love with a woman she knows.
So she wants to stay married but sleep around on you for a year??!! Hell no! She wants permission to cheat and it’s not relevant if it’s men or women. If you marry someone you shouldn’t want to be with ANY other people and the fact that she does, means your marriage is over. Start divorce proceedings.
You dirvorce her and never look back.
Here’s an idea, and these are just my thoughts. Find another woman, a friend, a stranger, an escort, doesn’t matter, and have. Mff threesome. Someone you can both agree on. That way you get yours, she gets what she wants and maybe the experience will bring you closer. Just my thoughts.
Your wife is too old to not have figured this out before making a lifelong commitment.
Monogamy is gender neutral. This is just cheating out in the open.
She may resent you but you will never forgive her and that’s going to lead you to the same place.
Tell her you will do the same. Either way, the marriage is over.
If she just wanted to bang a few women she could have suggested 3somes with you
So you want to control her?
If not, you must come to the realization that she was dishonest with herself and therefore dishonest with you abut being bi.
Trust and honesty is the foundation of every healthy & thriving relationship. If you don’t have that you lose respect and begin to question everything as being truthful.
I suggest you divorce her. Let her have a year doing whatever she wants without you in her life at all. Will it be difficult? absolutely! Meanwhile get into therapy to learn how to release the ideal you had of her because it no longer exists.
Once the year is up, don’t take her back, instead focus on how fucked up she was to be selfish and disrespectful to you during that whole year plus the time you were married and dating.
TBH if this was me I would say sure you can explore. Let’s get a divorce. You can explore all you want. Come talk to me in a year. I won’t be here.
I think it’s funny how a woman can come to a man w this proposition and we try to give her the benefit of the doubt and work through it. But if a man came to a woman w the same proposition and said he wanted to bang dudes it would be an automatic marriage killer. Double standards
Tell her you’re going to explore other women as well or a simple “that’s cheating, I will divorce you.”
If she couldn’t care less in either of those scenarios..then you’re cooked and need to be with someone who will prioritize you not some quarter life crisis where she is normalizing infidelity.
Wouldn’t really want to grow old with a woman like that anyways.
Dream for me if true. Can’t do 3 sums?
She’s already cheating. She wants a one sided open marriage. Best to divorce and move on. Updateme
Simply tell her you’d rather divorce than be cheated on, possibly gaslighted, and be called controlling. Tell her it’s best if you part ways on good terms and pursue the happiness and love you both desire and deserve with other people.
You can’t stop her. You can tell her she is free to fuck as many women as she wants, just as soon as she signs the divorce papers.
Typical modern women shit. She’s choosing lust over marriage. She wants her cake and eat it too. This just shows she don’t give a fuck about you. Whether you allow her or not, she’s going to do it anyway.
Unless you’re being given the same courtesy, absolutely not. If she’s against you doing it, how can she think you’d be ok with her doing it.
The only way to change someone’s mind is to first fully understand their perspective. Unfortunately, once you fully understand someone’s perspective, you usually understand why you won’t be able to change their mind.
If she insists on exploring, she is telling you that she is going to cheat (probably already is). Legal separation and live separatly at minimum, if you think you may consider reconciling. Or just divorce and find someone who’s values align to yours.
You can love someone but have fundamental differences that make you incompatible. Yhis is one of those situations.
It’s hard when you still love her and feel committed, but talk to a lawyer. She has asked to end the marriage, in a way where you’re the bad guy for not being ok with her cheating. You could raise the option of going to counselling, but you should be clear that what she’s asking for is a divorce, except where you’re kept on hand on the side to still help pay and care for the household, and raise any kids if you have while she dates around.
You’ve been attracted to women all this time too and haven’t felt the need to “explore”.
My ex wife tried the same BS. It was a long, drawn out, gaslighting horrible year before she just cheated.
You can’t stop her. Your relationship is over. I’m sorry.
As a lesbian, bro I am so sorry 😞 divorce her. Obviously she doesn’t take marriage seriously.
Yeah fuck that. I’d be out the sec she asked. lol. Or exploring more of my lesbianism at the same time she explores hers.
After a year, it won’t be out of her system. She will keep having these urges. The only thing you need to ask yourself is if you can handle that.
A Wiseman(?) once said: “If you love someone set them free…” The part that is ALWAYS left out is after that he goes on to say: “By the way, here’s my number please give it to your wife and tell her I’m free next Friday and Saturday!”
I see how you can be concerned about it. But Is she wanting a year long split? No. Else that would be concerning… Or is it a year of seeing women (ONLY Women) on the side? Yes. So now…What is your main worry? Is it that she will find someone else and leave? If she said anything to make you think that then talk to her. Lots of Men are married to bisexual women, most of them don’t know it. Man if you love her (I think you do), then do whatever you can to support her! By supporting her, you will actually deepen the bond between the two of you.
” I think it’s best we go our separate ways. The vows I said were true and I meant every word of them. I can’t be with you if you want to sleep with others, regardless of their gender. I respect you want to go down this path but I will not walk it with you. “
She has permission only if you participate with them. Otherwise, divorce her.
Tell her that you’re not comfortable with this. It’s a dealbreaker for you, and you don’t want to open your marriage. Your feelings matter just as much as hers do. There’s no guarantee your marriage will survive either way, but you don’t have to agree to something you’re not comfortable with.
Divorce
If you are not sure about divorce, then I would separate. I would not want to be around this. It will kill you slowly inside. It is better for you to separate from the situation and assess yourself. I wouldn’t give her a guarantee that I would wait around for a year. You just need to get out of harms way, cause it looks like she does not love you enough to not cheat.
Fucking leave
You should tell her that if she wants to pursue other women then you can too. And that would be the only way you would agree to it. I bet she would back off real quick, but the chance of resentment is there.
No matter their gender, she just straight up told you she wants to sleep with other people. She wants an excuse to cheat on you, even if she ends up not doing it that’s already enough of a reason to break up with her in my opinion.
Edit: Also the whole “I will resent you if you don’t let me” part seems really manipulative from her. It’s like she is telling you “let me sleep with other people, otherwise we are done”.
I like the no win position she foisted upon you, “either she does this, or she will resent you”.
If you agree, you will resent her, and what she is doing, if you don’t, she resents you.
How exactly is a marriage supposed to work, where one partner resents the other?
Divorce. Don’t let her cheat on you.
She’s already doing that, brother. You don’t think about exploring these kinds of things in an instant. You don’t throw away 4 years because you felt some kind of attraction to anyone or to any gender.
Either divorce or open up the marriage. You already know your decision, just be firm about it.
I mean if explore it with another woman then will you be ok?
Just jk but maybe you will be invited
No disrespect I’m new to reddit
Relationship is over. What’s with the entitlement some people have to do things like this. “Oh I think I might be (sexuality) I wanna explore that now” you should’ve done that when you were single and not married, some people miss out on things. And abandoning your family because you misspent you 20s being in relationships is frankly ridiculous. Your wife is basically a child with this mentality.
You both are going to have resentment and blame each other regardless.
You guys have three options:
Keep the marriage as is and go to counseling,
Open the marriage on both ends. Not only her end. No negotiations,
Separate and start the divorce process.
Regardless there is going to be resentment and blame. You will resent her if she explores for a year. She will resent you for not letting her. You will both resent each other for opening the marriage. And you will both resent each other for separating and divorcing.
Fair is fair. If she wants to step out and explore, tell her that’s what you want too. Gender has nothing to do with it.
If she wants a loving, supportive environment where she is free to explore her sexual desires but not lose the life she has while doing it, then so do you.
My guess is she won’t like that too much, just as you shouldn’t, unless you do.
Oh, so it should be OK for her but not for you? That is the way she sees it? What a bunch of bullshit.
Figuring out sexual orientation is something that people should do before they’re married, and they commit to having sex with one person, and only that one person for the rest of their lives.
You tell her that when you’re divorced, she can sleep with whoever she wants.
Regardless of the context, your wife is asking for a free pass, personally i would be gone.
Well if you’re uncomfortable with letting her sleep with other people then say no. If she can’t handle that then you shouldn’t be together anymore
What is the difference between a bi-woman exploring for a year, and a straight woman seeking men for a year?
There isn’t one.
You have three options: 1)Separate and see what happens after a year. Let her know you will be seeking other options too.
2) Divorce
3) Open the marriage and swing.
Bottom line: She just wants permission in advance to cheat on you.
Treat this as any infidelity.
I’ve read it so many times and can’t, for the life of mine, see it as anything else but her asking your permission to fuck someone else. No, no. Sorry. For a year’s worth of hall pass. And I’ve read it so many times because I wanted to stay open minded about her sudden attraction to the other sex, and be emotionally mature, but nah. It’s no different from asking the same to experience stuff with other guys. You two have been married, it’s not like she’s in uni and wants to take a gap year to travel around the world. This is no longer a marriage and I’m very sorry you’ll be going through this but, if I were you, I wouldn’t compromise on my values. And if it’s monogamy, I wouldn’t compromise on that, then.
If you persuade her not to do this, it isn’t happily ever after – you’ve poisoned the relationship with doubt.
If I was you, its a break up & move out.
I would offer to hold off on the divorce proceedings for a year, and then see how you both feel – but don’t wait on her, go out and date – and don’t entertain her as your wife or friend in the meantime. No contact you have in this time will be productive.
She’s going to do this anyway I’m afraid if she isn’t already
Then ask her if she’s comfortable with you having another woman. If she isn’t, she’s a hypocrite.
And it sounds like she’s already “explored” and was still doing it behind your back the moment she brought it up, in essence, she’s already cheated on you, you just need proof.
Literally, she’s her own person, so unless you want to become her prison warden (in solitary confinement), you actually can’t stop her.
What you can do is talk to her. Try to understand where she is coming from. See what she’s missing out on, it might be that she’s after something that you can actually provide her but aren’t. Or it might just be that you can’t. Make your peace with that. Not saying you stay, but you need to work out what you want to do here, but I say you talk with her and really open up about this.
For me, my wife and I are both, shall we say, more bi than het? When we are feeling these things we talk. Right at first she was more in touch with herself than I was with me and it was an attack to me, but we keep the communication lines open, and we don’t go beyond each others boundaries. I think this part is really important.
Ultimately, you can’t stop them doing what they want to do. The only thing you can control is you. So I say, control you to talk, really talk.
I have a friend whose wife said the same thing to him. She ended up leaving him for the first woman she got with after that year was up. Except he was so accommodating that he completely lost himself in thus situation. He currently still live in the marital home, with his ex-wfe and her partner and their 3 kids. He’s bunked up in his son’s room. He’s given her everything and has nothing but disrespect in return. He can’t let go or bring himself to upset her, cause he loves her.
OP know your boundaries. If you allow this and stay with her, it won’t turn out well for you. She’s asking for permission to cheat. You should be enough for her. She’s telling you that you aren’t. I’m sorry. Take care of yourself
You can’t stop what is for the most part inevitable. However. Is she.ooen to the suggestion.you bring her female friend along for the fun. Im going to.guess she will say no. That alone would give me the clarification I needed. The use the term ” wants her cake and eat it”.
Monogamists hate this one weird trick!
Is she gonna suddenly not be into girls after doing it for a year??? Ask her to find one story of success from someone else doing this. Dare her. It’s a joke that she even thinks it’s a realistic option. Your wife is gay and you need to start preparing yourself for the eventual end.
Tell her you have been thinking about redheads and want to start exploring your ginger sexuality (or whatever she doesnt look like) Tell her it’ll just be a year where you can date blondes/redheads/whatever just to get it out of your system too
You can’t stop her, you can only decide what you’re going to do in response
I can’t believe how many peope think because they are bi, they can have sex with someone else. it actually makes zero sense. Cheating is cheatng. tell her its no different to you “exloring” with a different “kind” of girl. If she wants to explore exlore, then she doesnt want this marriage. if you dont want to open yourcmarriage, which is a disaster waiting to happen, then you cant back down – you will always resent her if you do.
I’m a lesbian. She wants to cheat with no consequences. This would be a dealbreaker for me, and it should be for you too if you’re in a monogamous relationship. You deserve a woman who wants you and only you. Sorry dude. I’ve been in the opposite of your position and it sucks. I promise it gets better!
As someone said, you cannot stop her, but if you say no, she’ll likely do it anyway. By telling you she’ll resent you for not giving her the ok, she isn’t considering how it’ll affect your relationship and how you’ll be feeling. Sorry, but divorcing is the only outcome imo.
She can’t have her cake and eat it.
Well she would have to be open to you exploring as well! Or you tell her only if you’re with her!
Exploring the opposite sex is different! But it’s still cheating if you don’t both agree! So if she won’t do it with you or not at all it’s time to move on. Because it won’t stop there
Let her go… Did she or did she not agree to,”forsaking all others?”
This is a relationship killer. Tell her you need time to think if you want to stay married to her. You’ll find out real fast if she values your marriage over her sexual itch.
You can’t stop her from doing anything she wants to do, she’s either going to do it anyway or be miserable and resent you.
Tell her she can explore with women for more than a year because you won’t be coerced into an open relationship. The marriage is over since someone is going to be resentful no matter what now – Her not getting the opportunity, you if you give her the opportunity. The damage is done and unless there’s a lot of counseling in your guys future, the relationship is on its last leg.
Saying she will resent you for not being onboard with her cheating is some first class manipulation and gaslighting. “Oh, I need to sleep with other people so I don’t get mad at you.”
Has she even considered that you may resent her if she does this?
Its ok that she found out she’s bi. Being in a monogamous relationship is still a different thing. Theres plenty bisexual people who live monogamous and don’t need to sleep with both.
Bisexual people don’t “need” to cheat on their partners any more than anyone else. This is not any different than her wanting to cheat with a man or a nonbinary person. If you aren’t interested in an open relationship and she is bound to sleep around I’m afraid this relationship is over.
I understand that she is the love of your life but you cannot stop her from experimenting with women. You can be honest with her saying that you love her but you will have to put your heart and sanity first because you will resent and maybe even hate her if you stay with her while she experiment with other women. The ironic part is that she expects you to keep your vows while she breaks hers. You can do 4 things, agree to allow her to experiment while your anger and resentment grow, agree to divorce and live your life away from her, agree to have an open relationship and find a girlfriend, or become a throuple with another bisexual woman and the connection will implode and everyone will go their separate ways. Regardless, the OP will get his heart broken one way or another.
It sounds like she’s going to do it regardless of whether you consent.
Does she really think so little if you that she expects you to be put on the shelf for 12 months. Ask her what she expects you to do when she’s out on dates having sex with other people? Maybe tell her you might explore red heads for this 12 months because you are finding yourself attracted to them lately. That might prompt her to realise how unfair she’s being.
She has offered you 2 choices:
Let her cheat on you and ruin the marriage that way.
Let her resent you and ruin the marriage that way.
The marriage is ruined either way. Tell her you are picking a third choice and hand her divorce papers from a lawyer.
You can’t stop your wife, she will do it anyway if she wants to. It suggests you explore with other women. I think it’s fair for both of them to explore different things
I wouldn’t try to stop her.
It’s better to accept that she doesn’t view monogamy as important and she’d rather have sex with other people than stay monogamous.
If you say no to her. She might do it anyway and lie to you about it, or she’ll use this to punish you.
Discovering you’re bi doesn’t make you automatically think about exploring it with others. If you’re in a relationship and love that person you will just accept it’s not something you’ll explore since you love the person you’re with and don’t want to break up for some casual sex.
Being bi doesn’t change that she is in a monogamous relationship and is trying to change that.
The good thing is that she’s been upfront about it at this moment in time.
If you stay, you’re the one who will suffer and struggle and drag out the pain for yourself. It’s better not to go through that pain than to stay and let it twist you into a different person.
I just don’t think it works like that. When you enter into a monogamous marriage you’re implicitly saying that there are certain experiences and opportunities that you agree to forego. I can’t imagine telling my wife, “I didnt realize until recently that I had a thing for Asian women, let me go and bang a couple of them for a year to get it out of my system”
That said if your wife values exploration and her experiences over a monogamous intimate relationship with you and monogamy is non negotiable for you, then this may be a breaking point.
But don’t feel as if she’s making a reasonable request that you have to agree to.
>What can I do to stop her from doing this?
There’s nothing you can do if she decides it’s what she wants. Because her resenting you, you know it’s the end.
You just can decide if it’s ok for you. And if not, what to do.
Personally I’d tell her that she can explore women, but that I would have to be a part of it as well (threesome). If that’s not something you’re interested in, or you think it might ruin your marriage, then definitely get a divorce.
Can this go both ways, that she is sexually with other people and you are allowed the same?
What if after a year the desire isn’t out of her system because she loved it and wants more?
With how she worded it, it sounds like you will either separate or one of you will resent the other. Either she will resent you because you keep her from doing what she wants or you resent her because she forced you to be okay with her having sex and relationships with other woman. She put you into a loss – loss situation. Pick the one that will hurt less in the long run.
You should definitely tell her you are not comfortable with it. Marriage is a sacred contract that promises faithfulness. Just because she’s now discovered that she is attracted to women does not negate your contract. It does not give her a free pass. You have every right to say that you don’t agree with this.
My ex husband did that to me. A year after we married he wanted an open relationship. Took a year for me to cave in and allow it. The next 4 years were filled with empty meaningless moments. We didn’t build anything together.
I left him.
There’s some details that are different from your situation, but its very similar.
This isn’t about being bi, it’s about not wanting the relationship she’s in. Bi doesn’t mean you get to have another partner but it’s ok if it’s the opposite sex.
The way she went straight for “let me explore other women” is a huuuge red flag, theres so many other ways to explore her sexuality without instantly jumping to cheating. Just bc she asked you first doesnt mean it wouldnt be, btw. If you’re uncomfortable with it, its cheating with permission but its still infidelity 🤷🏻♀️
This is called cheating and it leads to a divorce. She no longer wants to be monogamous.
It’s a lose lose situation either you let her do this and you resent her or you don’t let her do it and she resents you
Tell her you want to explore with her. That the two of you will share her also bi lover.
You serve her with divorce papers… she probably has someone lined up. Assuming you’ll be ok. If anyone ask, be honest that she wanted a one sided open marriage 😒
Have sex with her dad
She’s suppressed her inner desires and needs to explore it. Imagine being married 20 years and living with a secret about yourself. Kudos for her being honest now, but there’s not a way to find a solution to make you both happy. Maybe just let her go. At this point, it’s not a marriage that will last. As far as a year… why put a timeline on it. If I can’t have all of my partner with all that marriage entails, they they need to go and figure out how to do so whether it be with me or someone else. Neither will be happy right now. Ask yourself why she thinks you’d go for this? She’s not invested in you as deeply as you are to her. Her request is serving her benefit. ,,cake and eat it too….
Depending on how messily you see the divorce proceedings being, and how much she will siphon from you because of it, you could always go the pragmatic approach and once you have legal proof of infidelity blindside her with divorce papers the way she did with her desire to cheat on you consequence free.
Tell her youre attracted to women too and if shes going to explore, so are you.
The thing about committed relationships is that YOU ARE COMMITTED TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Maybe shes forgetting that.
If its that important to her, it sounds like its more important than your marriage.
I’d file for divorce and give her all the time she needs.
Are you opposed to a threesome? Would be a way for you to be included and for her to explore. Plus if she doesnt agree it would prove there are other reasons for her wanting to do it aside from “exploration”.
Leave. Doesn’t matter the gender, it’s cheating… Or forcing an open relationship.
You have 2 avenues with some side streets.
You propose a divorce ( Recommend).
Or
Propose an entirely open marriage.. the open marriage will probably lead to divorce anyway which is why I say you should just get divorced.
Someone is going to reset someone, you either deal with her cheating on you with God knows who, or she deals with her inner feelings alone . Leave the girl.
OP, if your wife expects to explore this without your true consent, I would consider that a red flag. Regardless of the gender she wants to explore, it’s still an outside person to the relationship. If she seriously would deny you the same experience again, regardless of Sex that would be another red flag because that’s a double standard. If her resenting you is the other option, then that’s another huge flag that would be opening under duress if you did. I’d tell her your stance and prepare to divorce her. What she is asking for is unreasonable. You don’t owe her this. She is changing out the dynamic of your marriage because even if it only lasts 1 year, it will cause harm intentional or unintentional.
It’s time to reestablish boundaries and have some discussions about what you both want. Perhaps this is something she could do with you, where you get to watch or participate? It doesn’t have to be a relationship death sentence but you’re both going to need to communicate a lot and figure some things out.
Go get your hall pass as well bro. That way you can both enjoy time with beautiful women