This is long and complicated but I’ll do the short version…please be kind.
I’m (M38) in a long term relationship, I have a young child together with my partner (F40) and I have two children to a previous relationship.
I’ve been with my partner for over 8 years. I’d say the first 4 were incredible and easy on all fronts. I never dreamt of meeting someone who could be as incredible with my kids as she was. For example during Covid we home schooled the kids and she had a beautiful relationship with them over those early years). We also had an incredible chemistry and things couldn’t have been better really.
Once we had a child of our own, things changed a little (naturally of course), also my partner had post natal depression, she was hard on herself all the time and I would say just fully fixated on raising our child, but often to the detriment of her own health and in many ways those around her. She’s an amazing mum but would never be satisfied or believe she’s doing well.
There were issues when my kids came to stay, if they made a noise when the little one was going to sleep, my partner would get pretty angry, and be unable to see that they’re just kids, they’re not trying to be loud or prevent a baby from settling. I suppose I had been through the having a 1st baby phase with the ups and downs, so was a bit too relaxed, she was in it for the 1st time, and often on her own if I was looking after the other kids so not easy on her at all.
I know now looking back I didn’t support her enough, I know I failed her when she needed me the most. I became fixated myself on protecting my kids when they were around her. It became very difficult, she just had to make sure everything was about our little one and often to the detriment of the older kids.
Over the last few years she has told me countless times that she hates me, that I’m shit, that she wants to buy me out of the house – she just hasn’t let go of this earlier stuff and almost monthly I get a ton of vitriol.
Anyway fast forward a few years and I suppose we still have issues when my kids come around mainly because one of them has taken a dislike to my partner, is often rude and when it comes to discipline because he’s got an ADHD brain I clash with him a lot, I’m on tenter hooks trying to make sure he doesn’t upset anyone whilst also making sure my partner doesn’t overly challenge him because he just immediately triggers. It’s just this really shit balancing act for the time we’re all together. It’s silly things like he’ll say he hates his dinner, or something is stupid. I explain to him to use different words (because my partner especially hates it when our little one repeats negative things). A lot of this is just normal sibling stuff but because they’re not here kids Imtgat doesn’t help and I get it, honestly I sometimes struggle having my niece and nephew’s around for more than a few days so I get that it must be hard. And also it’s hard when you see your little innocent toddler then just repeating shit that they shouldn’t. (Granted the eventually pick this up at nursery/school – but anyway you know what I mean right?).
By the time our little one was 18ths I knew it would be almost impossible to have another baby with my partner, but I did think it would kind of complete our little unit and I knew she wanted one too.
Then about two years ago when our little one was about 2, I found out she had been in touch with an ex from about 20yrs ago. But someone who had been pretty toxic in her adolescent years, and whom I knew had been partly to blame for destroying some of her other relationships and messing with her head. She’d gone to meet him for drinks, that kind of thing and nothing more. Anyway I confronted her, asked why she’d been lying to me. She wanted to feel some attention again, feel some excitement and wanted to talk to someone like a friend because we’d been going through a load of struggles with the baby and my kids. We worked a few things out after this.
She promised she’d stop seeing him and would delete his number etc etc.
At that point I couldn’t contemplate having another baby because I just couldn’t trust her but tried to build that trust up. She’d lie a lot, a lot of stupid silly lies, like things I would have been chill about. Anyway trust was crushed. But I loved it when we were all together the five of us, when things were great they were great with much going for our ‘family’.
18mths on things with my older child with ADHD have gotten really tough this last 6-12mths. I can’t seem to get him through a weekend with us without some kind of problem.
I’d also say this year because of this problem with my kid things have been strained with me and my partner. But I’ve tried to support her, make sure she can have time for the gym, I keep on top of the house and try to make sure I do what I can to give her the things she needs – but also have a really intense job and I’m always juggling kids and everything that entails, sports clubs on weekends and all of that madness. It’s hard, I get very little time for myself but I just try to facilitate things for her as much as possible.
I just recently found out she had a full on affair with the guy from two years ago – this summer. I’ve confronted her and the kind of things she’s saying are; I let her down when we had a kid together, she felt alone, unsupported, unloved, she felt it was me and my kids against her.
We’ve tried talking about those earlier years and I’ve tried to accept responsibility for my lack of support for her but I just feel at times I also had three kids to look after and protect and I never really get that she truly understands that. Anyhow over the last few years these things pop up, I try to acknowledge them and apologise again but then it will always come up again. We can’t or she can’t seem to get past that hurt from 3-4 yrs ago.
So now I’m in this really weird place, I don’t know what to do. I know I love her, I know I love my family and genuinely love the time we have together as just the three of us and then I also love when the five of us are together too (when things go well). But she’s had an affair but worse for me is the lies and the broken trust – again, I don’t even care about the sex, we have a really good sex life so it’s not like I’m jealous or feel insignificant in that respect. But she’s lied to me obviously about where she’s been on certain days and stuff like that, but after last time now I’m like how can I ever trust her again. I know I love her and can even forgive but the trust is killing me, the lies cut so badly.
I’ve said I think she needs to talk to someone professional because there are issues in her own upbringing that I think she needs to deal with and work out, then maybe we can speak to someone together.
But I know I can’t live like this anymore. I need to trust her and I need her to see what I contribute to this relationship. I’ve had my failings but I’ve tried to own them and now I just want her to own this but I don’t think she wants too.
She is quite adamant now that whilst she expresses some remorse she’s very clear that I’ve driven her to this point, that she wanted to have an affair to finally end us. But apparently after it started she realised she was then being nice to me and she thought she could co-exist and keep it going so she could have this power and just get through the relationship day by day and not have to split up.
One of the saddest things is that prior to me finding out we’d seemed to have worked out a lot, talked about a lot of things, and had a good, beautiful summer as a family and I even had hints of thoughts about what else is possible for our family.
And now this has just floored me, I honestly never imagined she would go that far, it’s so destructive but I also know she has some valid feelings. I don’t think us having arguments or disagreements gives license to having an affair but I do know the fact she felt so unsupported in the first year of our kids life has created a huge wedge of resentment.
I just don’t know whether we can salvage it, or whether it’s worth the risk. The idea that I could be looking back in 4-5-yrs times and she does it again and I’ll have wasted precious time that could just be with my kids.
My kids are at the forefront of my mind but owing to some childhood trauma myself I am resisting just pulling up the drawbridge and saying fuck it I’ll just start a new life for my kids, me and them, we’ll be alright (I know we will), but I would rather we are a family, I just want us to be a family unit.
If we can fix it, we could be amazing again, we still have all the same interests, genuinely attracted to one another, enjoy each others company and all of that and she can be great with my kids and has been better the last six months, but it feels like the two issues now are solving the problem of my child’s relationship with her and obviously deciding if I can trust her in order to give it a try.
Part of me stupidly thinks fuck it just go and do the same thing, have an affair and that will help take away any nagging thoughts – but I know this is a pretty immature response so I am trying to silence that voice in my head.
I do spin out a bit when I think of the intimacy she has had with someone else because I genuinely thought we have this incredible thing, almost scared bond but now that bond and the kind of history of intimacy we’ve had is just tainted and I guess not special at all.
I think I need to reach a point where I know I want to continue and invest and put everything into the relationship, get some therapy or we go our separate ways and be good co-parents or maybe we have a kind of break. The only problem is she doesnt want to tell her family what she’s done so if I leave the house to stay at a friend’s it will just look like I’m messing things up – which is a bit annoying.
Anyway thanks for reading. If you made it this far we’ll done…ha ha! There’s obviously a thousand other details and bits of information that would paint a fuller picture but hopefully this just gives you a small insight, enough to give me some thoughts/advice.
Please be kind though, things are never black and white, I’ve tried to be balanced. Any pearls of wisdom greatly appreciated.
Comments
Were you really that bad to her when the baby was born. Truthfully? Or are you grasping at straws to explain her affair? I think she may be gaslighting you. Or not. Either way I believe you need couples counseling if she wants to stay married to you. Does she? Have you asked her? It sounds like to me that she has checked out long ago. If she refuses counseling then you really need to separate and sell her your part of the house, as she said. Also, it really bothered me that she was so mean to your other kids. This may be the best for them. Can you imagine how horrible it is for them to be treated that way and made to feel the little baby is more important?
I have no idea what to say to you other than take it four hours at a time. You and your partner need some space. And sorry having an affair on your end is not going to help. You sound like a nice person. Remember who you are and put your kids first. Dont make any rash decisions concentrate on getting sleep and forming new habits and finding a place where you can think and feel safe.
I couldn’t be arsed reading all of this. Stay if you want to. End of.
She chose to have an affair. She wanted to do it to break up with you.
She wants to break up with you, but she wants you to instigate the break up.
If you want to be FWB and you are both open and honest about it, that is a choice. If she just decided to secretly cheat on you, that is a lie.
If you decide to say, then be clear that lying is ok for you.
Dude. She’s been telling you she hates you and wants to buy you out. She’s already told you what she wants. I’m not giving her an out because she had an affair, but you need to take her at her word.
I can tell you from personal experience that “staying for our family” is usually more harmful for kids than leaving because you’re raising them in a hostile environment and kids pick up on and mimic what they see
She’s going to keep fucking other dudes until you have the balls to divorce her. She doesn’t want you but is to afraid to divorce you so she’ll have you do it.
Go scorched earth. By that, I mean the following:
Treat her as a co-parent, no longer a sexual partner. Leave romance and sex out of bounds.
Start filing for divorce, keeping the kids in priority, no matter how or what happens.
Go to the gym, work on appearance, eat healthier.
Rediscover hobbies, find new hobbies.
Rediscover lost friends, find new friends.
Best of luck my man!
Staying for the kid is inadvisable.. years of resentment and a life with no trust. And a kids growing up in a toxic home… and what will you do when she does it again???
Better to split up and go for amicable co-parenting..
So, first, being mad about $hit that happened 4 years ago is bull$hit. Especially when it wasn’t something huge or unforgivable. Second, you seem to be the only one that actually cares about keeping your family together. She sounds completely done, and completely unremorseful.
Third, just because she wouldn’t want to tell her family or anyone else the real reason for your divorce, doesn’t mean that you can’t. If anyone asked, I would definitely tell them the truth. If she didn’t want people knowing she’s a cheater, then she shouldn’t have cheated. 🤷🏽♀️ Sounds pretty simple to me, really.
Divorce her, because she will only do it again, and keep blaming you on top of it. Get rid of her and all her drama, and just enjoy a peaceful life with your kids… and whoever else may come along that actually cares about you. She will never go back to being the woman you fell in love with, I’m sorry.
You are several years past when you should have been in couples counseling. And her in individual counseling. Telling a partner you hate them on a regular basis is very unhealthy communication.
If you want to stay, you need to commit to couples counseling until you learn how to communicate like adults. She needs to let go of the blaming. If she had needs, it was on her to communicate them, not get naked with another man. If you learn how to talk to each other and balance your relationship with the needs of the children, you can start fresh.
This is very nuanced situation, and I think it’s best that you get to a couples therapist in very short order. No one here is going to be able to walk you through 4 years of marital disfunction.
Just know that it’s very normal to experience all of these feelings after going through a massive betrayal. Often times as you said, it’s the lies that make it unbearable. Marriages do survive infidelity. They do survive situations this difficult and worse. They don’t survive without outside support though. Whatever you’re doing for each other at this point in time isn’t working, And the symptoms of the relationship not working or hurting you both. Try and get to someone who’s a specialist in this field. Do you want to rebuild the marriage then that can be the goal. If you want to discuss possible outcomes, then that can be the goal. If you want to consciously un couple, then that can be the goal. Just know that going a couples therapy provides you with options, and also support. You’re very likely going to need to see somebody independently as well to deal with the trauma of going through betrayal.Wishing you all the best whatever that may be for you.
First of all, as the person who had the affair, she doesn’t get to call the shots. If she actually is remorseful and wants to save the marriage, she should be willing to do whatever you ask – this includes having all the friends and family told about her affair, if you wish.
If she’s invested in repair, which I don’t think she is, get into marriage counseling. You’ll find out pretty quickly if it’s worth working on or if it’s time to divorce.
You would both have to be able to forgive past resentment, put the kids first, and go no contact with the ex. She’ll also have to take accountability and stop blaming you for her actions. I don’t know that your wife has it in her to do what it will take.
She doesn’t sound like she even gives a fuck that she had an affair. How can you reconcile with someone who thinks they didn’t do anything wrong and were driven to it?
I wouldn’t hang. Settle for being a part time dad. She will never quit.
If your kids grow up & pick a partner that treats them how she treats you – how would you feel? Because they are learning from you what a relationship looks like & what to accept from partners.
Divorce is the answer
Look at the facts. She lied and minimized her affair. She’s repeatedly said “I hate you”. She blames you in part for the affair, and isn’t fully remorseful. There’s zero chance reconciliation will work in the long term if she isn’t taking full accountability, and lacks remorse.
Even if you were a shit partner, cheating with an ex, when kids are involved was irresponsible and selfish. She could have filed for divorce. Or asked for a formal separation. I don’t care how she justifies it, the affairs on her. If you stay, you need to find a way to get her to acknowledge that. You suck for whatever grievances you had earlier on, and she sucks for being irresponsible and breaking her vows.
Separate keep it civil. If you could stay with some family for 6 months, or find a short term rental. Work out a custody situation. Let her know that if she wants to work it out after that six months what you expect from her. Good luck!
“Staying for the kids” (or family) is the absolute worst reason to stay in a marriage where one person has proven and told you that they are checked out. You are too old to be this naive and in denial.
Ok so you cant fix it if she isn’t 100000% on board so this already sounds dead. But you don’t need to make any decisions right now. Talk to a lawyer to see what your options are, this is usually free. Take your time and decide what YOU want to do outside of the very high emotions right now.
You need to leave her. She insults you and calls you names. Shes cheating and lying. She is mean to your children from your prior relationship.
You have it really warped, man. You should have left her when you saw how hard she was on your older kids after the two of you had a baby. Protecting your kids—all of them—comes first. Now your kids are also tense and walking on eggshells anytime they are at your house.
You are modeling dysfunction for your kids as what they should expect from a relationship.
YOU need therapy. If you love your kids, you need to divorce your wife. It doesn’t matter if you love your wife. She’s manipulative and abusive, and she does not love you.
The first thing you need to do is realize that she lied and cheated not because you failed to do xyx, but because she’s a liar and a cheater. No spouse is perfect. No parent is perfect. It sounds like to some degree once you two had your own child, your kids became unimportant to her. That’s not right. Don’t take the blame for her sinking so low. You made mistakes. How did having sex with a toxic ex fix that? I can’t tell you what your marriage means to you. But I can tell you that you better really open your eyes to how cruel this woman has been. And if you decide to end it do NOT let her try to use your baby as ammunition.
Please leave her. Jesus man, you deserve so much better.
Dude she’s stated she hates you and instead of being mature and ending it she cheated to force you to end it.
She needs therapy coz unless dealt with the cycle will continue. Given she has flat out blamed you for her cheating, so she says she’s remorseful but taking no accountability for her choice. “I had to cheat, you made me do it!!” Ffs spare me the bs sob story, she’s a grown ass woman who’s responsible for her own decisions.
You probably need therapy, you recognise you weren’t a good partner, or is this just the years of her telling you, so you accepted it?
Finally your kid needs therapy, no doubt they picked up on her vitriol towards you, which is why they don’t like her.
Actually your description sounds kind of like your partner may be an undiagnosed narcissist. Even though you’ve accepted you were a shit partner some of your story sounds common to people with narcissistic partners.
If either you or your partner are unwilling to put the effort in a seek the help, then you should split. Nothing good comes from staying with a toxic partner
You spend far too much of this talking about your failures, OP. You may have given her reasons to leave you, but there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would justify her cheating. If you want to reconcile, it needs to start with her recognizing and taking full responsibility for her failure. This was 100% her.
In terms of her family, one of the conditions that many BS insist on is that the family IS told. And by her if she wants to reconcile, or by you otherwise. If this doesn’t happen, she will rewrite the narrative on how all the problem in your marriage were your fault, which again, they weren’t. So they need to know. Cheating has consequences.