I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years. About 2 years ago I started getting really into fitness. I was always a big and strong guy, but beer and burgers kept me looking like King of the Hill. I lost about 40 pounds and added a lot of muscle.
My wife is beautiful and a little overweight, but I love her body and wouldn’t change anything. I’ve never wanted someone else.
Without sounding arrogant(and its important for the story), I get quite a few compliments when we are out. Though I’d say it’s 99% men. Not even gay guys, just straight muscle loving men.
Two weeks ago my wife asked if I could stop going to the gym. I was confused and after a while she let me know that she doesn’t like the attention that I get from other people. I tried explaining to her that it’s really only men that compliment me. If a woman tries flirting I shut it down fast.
She won’t let this go and has been quiet ever since. I love my wife and honestly if changing my body keeps our marriage together, I’ll do it. It’s not worth losing her if she doesn’t like it. But I’d love to be able to keep working out and make her happy at the same time. Anyone that can help a guy figure out this situation?
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I would talk to her and try to understand the root cause of her feelings because this is really more of a her problem. You can try to help her untangle it but you can’t make her feel a certain way. Ultimately, your body is your own and it’s really not cool for her to ask you to change it in order to make her feel more comfortable.
It would be sad to kill your passion for working out just to keep another person happy.
Congrats on being so massive, sounds like wifey might need to find a hobby that increases her confidence too. Unbelievable for her to ask you to abstain from something so healthy for you and she might be feeling a tad inadequate.
Don’t do it. Anyone who truly loves you isn’t going to ask you to choose unhealthy lifestyle changes, especially surrendering gains. Something deep-seated is going on. Offer couples counseling as a means to address this symptom of something serious going on with her. Good luck!
If you have to change your body to keep your marriage together, your marriage isn’t healthy enough to be worth keeping together. Tell her it’s one thing if she wants to spend more time with you or work out together or otherwise work through these insecurities she’s feeling, but demanding you not live up to your full potential because she’s having trouble believing she’ll be enough for you under those circumstances is not an acceptable or reasonable ask.
The partner you chose for life wants to you to stop doing something that:
– is incredibly healthy and will help you live longer with a higher quality of life
– makes you feel good about yourself
– makes you look better
– you choose to do freely and I guess you enjoy it
I would want my partner to support me on my path to living the best life I can. Right now, she’s turning her issues/problems into yours. Do NOT let other people kill your joy and inspiration to do something that’s good for you.
Don’t know if you have/want kids – you’d be a much better role model if you’re healthy and in good shape with healthy habits.
That said, make sure you understand what’s going on her. Then make sure she understands it as well. You do not have to keep yourself small to keep your marriage going. If that’s the case, better find a new marriage that pushes you to be your best.
My advice? Have an honest conversation with her. Make sure you understand her feelings and she understands yours. Make sure to reassure her that she’s the one you love, you like her looks etc. Then, if that’s something you want, offer to go to the gym together.
If she doesn’t want to do this, please my brother, for everything that’s holy to you, do not let someone else take away your joy, health, and self-esteem.
I think your wife could benefit greatly from speaking with a therapist about her insecurities. A partner should never try and control your body. This works both ways.
If you enjoy working out and having muscles then she needs to accept you for who you are. Not to mention this is all unprovoked behavior on your part. Would she say the same thing to a woman who keeps getting unwanted attention from other men and women because of what she is wearing or how she looks? No. She would more than likely be offended on the woman’s behalf.
She either trusts you or she doesn’t. But letting other people dictate how you guys live is never going to work long term. She needs to quit worrying about outside factors that have nothing to do with your relationship.
Your wife has a problem and the solution is in her own head, not forcing you yo change a healthy habit. If she needs therapy, then encourage her to get it. You should not have to be ugly and unhealthy because of her jealousy.
It’s really sweet and amazing that you are so willing to change your body and stop doing something you clearly love and have a passion for, due to your wife’s insecurities.
It’s really unfair to you. You don’t seem like the type that doesnt show your devotion to your wife. If you’re okay with stopping the gym to keep her happy and prevent further discomfort for her than go for it, just keep in mind you may get resentful which will lead to much bigger problems down the road.
If your wife doesn’t trust you enough to be fit and stay loyal thats a massive red flag. If it’s jealousy, thats also a red flag. This is a tricky one and I hope people arent just gonna say “leave her”. I hope you find the right balance for your marriage.
I suppose a gym bod would attract women who go to the gym, and even more so other men, but most women (there is research on this) don’t like overly muscular dudes. Which is why your wife stands a better chance of not having ladies stare at her husband if you continue to build muscles. Men will keep staring though. Add a couple of dead fish and a very loud car and you will soon have dudes proposing to you.
It’s a health thing and surprised that anyone who truly loves you would make that kind of request. 🤔 I don’t agree with her at all. If my man was bulked up and hot, I would put my arm through his and hold on even tighter. ✌🏽
I just turned 39, Keep the gym.
You feel so much better and have so much more energy when you are active.
The health benifits, particularly starting around 35-40 can’t be measured in money. I see the guys with the pot bellies constantly complaining about knees & back, shoulders & necks, lack of energy, etc.
Does your wife go to the gym as well? Bc it just sounds like she’s becoming more insecure without also taking care of herself.
You’re working out for your health. She’s essentially asking you to maintain an unhealthy lifestyle for her self-esteem. I think you should care about that a little more.
Aside from the fact that she should seek therapy to work on her confidence, as others have mentioned, it’s about mindset as well. Having a sexy husband who gets checked out but only has eyes for ME is like… the hottest thing ever lol.
You should get fat and unhealthy again for your wife. Let your blood pressure rise and your HH rise and die sooner for her. Really show her how much you love her. Sounds like you have it all figured out from all your replies. Why even ask? Just stop working out and eat more burgers since you already made up your mind and save these posts for folks who actually want advice.
No one is more into muscle-y guys than straight dude gym rats. I tease my straight boyfriend all the time for checking out dudes muscles. I’m sure there are silly TikTok’s about this phenomenon. Find them and show your wife that it’s very normal for straight guys to admire other guys muscles and it has nothing to do how attracted they are to you.
Yeah, if my wife ever told me that I had to stop taking care of my personal health and wellbeing, she’d be on the curb.
She sounds insecure about it, it’s an issue in her own head only. You have every right to workout and take care of your body. Sounds like maybe she should hit the gym. Might boost her confidence, make her look a bit better, plus it would give you both something to do together.
Working out is more than just how you look, it’s for your health too, so I’d not give that up so easily. Get to the bottom of why this makes her uncomfortable. It’s not just the compliments because you’ve explained that much.
What are your wife’s hobbies? Maybe she isn’t finding a hobby as easily as working out has come for you and she’s struggling to find her niche. I think it’s important to work through the why rather than just give it up altogether😊
good luck to you OP!💪🏼
Whatever you do, do not talk about her getting more active or ask a bunch if she will join you and suggest super physical activities on a recurring basis. Until she comes to a point where she is ready to deal with her insecurities and wants to make changes for herself all of that other stuff will feed her insecurities more than the positive of you telling her that you love her mo matter what. (Which, telling her “no matter what” will also feed insecurities. Stick to all positive affirmation language. I love everything about you.”
your wife sounds toxic af bro
Iirc there was some study done showing that women are happier when theyre in relationships with guys who are less attractive than they are. Probably explains why my wife is so happy.
Your best bet is to convince her that she’s still more attractive than you are.
Controlling behavior. Jealousy. All bad.
My only advice is to ask her what the real issue is. Is this stemming from an inferiority complex
Reading through your post it sounds like a very you’re a very caring loving husband who doesn’t want to risk anything, especially losing your wife but you know that letting your fitness go at her request is deep down just a symptom of a bigger problem of hers, maybe yours both. Would she be happier if you just wore baggier clothes? Maybe it’s that simple. If you’re flexin’ then maybe that’s what’s frustrating her.NOt that you have to NOT care what you look like in public, but maybe tone down what how’s of the body too closely. That could be an easy fix…then lesss attention from men, I’d guess. Otherwise it does seem liike she should either get on board with you fitness wise or find other hobbies just as fulfilling as yours….
Increasing your risk of chronic diseases, depression and frailty on purpose because she is insecure is an absurd request.
Never shrink for someone who refuses to grow.
She is making her problem your problem.
Has your wife looked at it from a ‘health’ perspective? 40lbs. over weight puts you at risk for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease etc etc. Would she rather have you ‘unhealthy’? Is she willing to risk your life for her insecurities? Maybe seek marriage counseling. You sound like a devoted husband, I am sure you two can work through it. Good luck!
Your wife should probably go to therapy and learn how to handle her jealousy issues. I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot she would be upset that you were asking her to stop taking care of herself. But like every other man in a relationship, you’ll do what she wants and put your own needs and feelings aside to make her happy while you maintain being miserable.
If the genders were flipped on this question, and a guy was asking a woman to stop working out because he didn’t like the attention she was getting, every single woman on the internet would collective scream at the man for being toxic, controlling, and insecure
Your wife is insecure because she now feels as if she has to compete with other women to keep you happy and with her…and she doesn’t want to do that.
This is a her problem
not a you problem
So the best advice is the same advice you would give a man in the same situation
She needs to seek therapy so she can properly voice why she is being insecure
I know you love this woman and will do anything for her…including letting the dad bod return
But if you do that, if you feed her insecurities, it will only feed them…it won’t make them go away
Next it will be the way you dress, or the friends you hang out with
And before you know it…you will be isolated and alone…all in the name of keeping her “secure” in the relationship
She needs therapy and you need to encourage it
Could you wear clothes that might hide the guns a bit? Maybe a compromise?
OP absolutely not! There’s more going on here and I really suggest a few joint therapy sessions about this issue and the underlying issues
Don’t make your world smaller or compromise your health to assuage someone’s insecurities.
Book couples counseling. Your wife needs a professional to help her work through this with you.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and get to the root of her insecurities. She needs to acknowledge that that was an unfair thing to ask of you. Partners build each other up, if she’s feeling like she’s inadequate, she needs to work on those issues instead of projecting them!
If the roles were reversed, and you wanted her to change her body would it be ok? I don’t think so.
I don’t think she’s asking you to be unhealthy. But if gym bro types are checking you out and commenting on your muscles, you’ve maybe crossed into the unattractive to most women category.
I’m only saying this is a possibility, but she really may not like or be attracted to that look. She may have spent time figuring that your interest would die down eventually. Since it hasn’t, maybe she’s not wanting to say the real reason directly.
I’m trying to put myself in her mind, and obviously I can’t do that. But I would find it really hard to say anything to you. But it would also really suck to try to be attracted to that. People are really really shamed for being judgmental about looks, and I would imagine especially for looks that come from hard work and something you are proud of.
And honestly, I would be annoyed as all get out at the constant compliments whenever I was out with my man. I’m trying to imagine a scenario where women are always admiring and complimenting me on my muscles or actually anything equivalent looks wise. And if the random man was also complimenting me that way right in front of my partner, my partner would not appreciate it at all.
That’s all I can come up with but maybe it’s a couple of things to think about.
I believe it’s rooted in her own insecurities. Personally, if he were my partner, I’d proudly say, Yeah that’s my man😉On the other hand, I’m all for embracing a healthy, active lifestyle. Knowing that if you do want to have children one day, you’d want to be living an active lifestyle, playing with your kids without losing your breath, or seeing them through to the day they walk down the aisle without any potential serious medical issues. So, it’s really up to you to decide how you want to proceed with your decision, keeping in mind that you have the power to create the life you desire. At the end of the day, you know what’s best for you and your relationship, and that’s what truly matters.
Would you ask her to lose weight to make yourself feel better? She’s actively trying to get you to quit something that you enjoy and is beneficial to you….so she doesn’t feel so insecure. That’s selfish.
Wear baggy clothes and frequently shit your pants.
She’s insecure, the fear being that you are looking great and may soon be too good for her. Encourage her to accompany you to the gym so she’s not feeling left behind. Eat healthy together. Hope she’s in to this. Just don’t let yourself go for her sake. You will resent her for it.
You do you, keep up the work!
She needs to deal with her insecurities.
That is crazy. You are healthy and engaged in a productive, mentally and physically positive pursuit. Clearly she has some confidence and trust issues that no amount of you gulping down double fudge ripple ice cream with a chaser of lard is going to solve. She need to get a serious grip.
Hey OP, I’m a cuddly short wife, to a guy who has recently lost a lot of weight and slimmed down to the size he was when we first met. It does make me feel insecure, but it’s a huge but it’s my problem. Not his, mine. I want to lose weight, but currently my mental health prevents me from dealing with it. I will , eventually! But even with things as they are I would never ask my husband to be less to make me feel better. Just something to think about OP. We’ve been married 33 years if that helps.
This isn’t about you. This is about your wife’s insecurities. Don’t give up your health just because she is insecure.
I can’t imagine someone who loves me, asking me to compromise my physical health, for their feelings.
The better solution for both of you, is if she gets in shape as well. It will boost her confidence, and she won’t have to be jealous of you.
I think you’re doing everything right man. Maybe she also sees how women check you out when you don’t notice and it gets to her a lil bit. As for advice, i think some more bonding time might be good? You can
• Invite her to come with you to the gym, do light exercises, stretch, show her how good it is to move playfully. It’s extending your world to her and maybe help her lift the bad impression of this hobby of yours
• Show her off a bit more, like some subtle flirting in public, twirl her around randomly. Something that’s playful, doesn’t have to be lovey dovey but slightly public (plus it shuts down the new flirts even before they start whenever you’re together, so she’ll never have to worry about that)
• Get her pieces of adornments that she loves or speaks of her personality. Clothing and accessories can be great confidence enhancement, especially ones that make her even more comfortable in her skin or shows off who she is. If she’s not particularly fashion inclined, a pretty fluffy dress that she can twirl in will likely do the trick (make sure it has pockets)
Give these a try and fine tune it to your wife’s preferences, i think as soon as both of you feel sexy and attracted to each other by putting in some loving, it’ll be smooth sailing
Bonus: experiment with perfume and cologne for each other, find ones you like and your spouse likes and incorporate in your routine for another level of sensory bonding. It’s fun and sensual, always a good activity to do and then to experience
“Do i ever ask you to change your body? No i respect you have autonomy over your own body, give me the same respect!”
Nope, do not become intentionally less fit to appease another person.
When it comes to resolving issues with insecure partners, it’s not really about changing your behavior. It’s about helping the other person process their insecurity and making a plan to grow past that.
In my opinion, you should not stop working out. Talk with her about how she’s feeling and what she is afraid of by you continuing to go to the gym. Make her feel seen and heard when she expresses her concerns, but reassure her that regardless of what attention you get, you’re never straying from your relationship.
Remind her that it is almost always men who are impressed with larger muscles. Other men recognize the effort put into getting that shape. Women don’t pay nearly as much attention to that. If she is feeling self-conscious about her curves because of the shape you are in, it’s something she needs to deal with before it becomes a problem for both of you.
See if there are any activities she might want to do like dancing that might make her feel better about herself. Or a boudoir photo shoot in sexy lingerie. She needs to be able to get out of her head and feel the goddess she is. No matter how much love, affection, and reassurances you shower her with, if she doesn’t like what she feels like or sees in the mirror, it won’t matter. She has to believe in herself and that includes not worrying about what anyone else thinks because most of the time people are mostly worrying about themselves.
have you thought about seeing if shed like to workout with you? Deep down she probably feels a little left out on the “hot bod” department. Not that she needs to change anything but she might just kinda feel “less than” right now.
Or wear bigger clothes so you don’t give hoochie daddy when you guys are out.
But I really don’t think you should stop prioritising your own health. Keep working out. You’ll need that muscle when you’re old.
I think you should have some more conversations with her to get to the bottom of this. You two sound like you are generally in a respectful and happy marriage – and requesting that you change your passion sounds kinda out of character for her from the way you write about the situation.
In negotiations, there is this concept of interests (the stated demand) vs positions (the underlying need/desire). To me, it sounds like she has either not yet communicated her real position – or maybe has not even figured it out herself yet.
Once you get to the bottom of this, her real need/desire beneath her request, you both will have a much easier time to come up with a way forward that works for you both that does not mean giving up your hobby.
This ask won’t be the end of the issues. If her insecurities are going to force you to change so drastically, there will be more. I’m sure this isn’t the first time, either. You can set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, so please try to keep perspective.
I personally love muscles. But if you want to make changes because you love her, maybe do more cardio and less strength training. But I’d also include some couples therapy and individual therapy (especially for her). Asking you to not workout seems selfish. She should find out where the feelings are coming from.
ETA: Is she willing to workout with you? Even if it’s just a few times per week.
This is an easy thing to fix with a conversation. Why doesn’t she want you to take better care of yourself? Does she know you think she’s beautiful the way she is? It is a healthy habit, so not something you should quit. Tell her you just want to make sure you’re around to be with her as long as possible. It would be weird if she told you to drink more beer. I work out almost everyday. I race regularly and my wife is right there cheering me on. If she told me to drink more beer, I would do that too, but I already drink a few now and then.
She’s projecting her own insecurities on to you.
How would she feel if you suddenly decided her being a little overweight was a problem. She would be insulted and probably cause a lot of tension.
This is no different.
Does she ever go to the gym with you? She might think you’re up there flirting and she might feel better if she saw you’re all business up there.
Seems like she has some insecurities around weight and seeing you getting the attention is probably making her feel like you will replace her.
I would try to encourage her and assure her that you have eyes only for her (same way that you posted here). And maybe even encourage her to come with you to the gym!!
Communication and assurance goes a long way. Although I have to say, I go to the gym everyday and my husband doesn’t, but he never makes me feel bad for that. He encourages it because he knows it makes me happy!
She is testing if she can change you. Don’t.
This would honestly be really bad for the relationship and set a terrible precedent.
First of all, she’s demanding you change yourself because of her insecurities. Red flag 🚩🚩🚩
If you decide to follow her rules, will you resent her when you no longer look and feel as good as you do now? Red flag 🚩🚩🚩
Where is to gonna end? If you give in to her insecurities now instead of working on them, will you keep giving in? What if she doesn’t want you hanging out with any woman? What if she feels you’re trying to look too handsome for some reason? 🚩🚩🚩
You have the right to be whoever you want in your relationship. She doesn’t get to dictate everything just because she’s insecure. That’s a sure fire recipe for disaster.
You guys need to communicate and figure this out. It’s not fair for you to be accused or treated to the Silent treatment just because she doesn’t get her way.
Okay I think your wife is insane and this is childish but convincing her it isn’t a big deal might start with taking it more seriously. Ask her why it’s upsetting if other people complement you. Listen to her. Assure her that whoever looks at you doesn’t matter cause you’re only looking at her. I think if you guys talk about it more she will hopefully realize this isn’t rational, but you need to not be defensive or treat her like she’s crazy. Just be gentle and listen and assure her wherever you can.
Yeah after a certain point in life you really just go to the gym to impress other men, including yourself.
She’s annoyed about people noticing you? Why not proud? Why not take it as a chance to flaunt you on her arm and make them jealous?
In all honesty, you taking care of yourself should matter more. She needs to get over what other people think and be thankful for what she has…you. You’re 38 so your bad life choices would be catching up with you. She needs to start putting things into perspective. Does fewer people staring at you matter more than having you around longer? Being unhealthy now is going to be hell to bounce back from. Took 2 years now but won’t be as easy when even older and risking hurting your back just moving wrong.
This is psychotic controlling behavior.
Imagine if you told her to dress more conservatively. Oh, Lordy.
Bruh…. Don’t stop doing what you love for your wife sake, it’s not worth it.
if you want an argument, ask her how she’d feel if you told her what to wear.
This is really more about her. you’ve had a glow-up, and she’s stayed the same. she likely feels insecure.
In instances like this I always feel that it is the responsibility of the person who is experiencing the insecurity to get a handle on those feelings rather than it being on the person who’s receiving the attention. You can’t control what other people like and you can’t control whether they’ll express it or not. What you can do is be comfortable in your relationship and realize that while people are always going to look, you’re the one who gets to touch and experience being with this person fully.
Within reason, of course. If she was to go outside in a dog collar, nipple covers and fishnets with her cheeks out then.. well, ya know. That’d be different because she manufactured a specific kind of attention through deliberate choices. But simply having a nice body??? Not much you can do about that. She needs to get right with herself.
Tell her you’re only doing cuts sets from now on.
This HER issue and not yours. You’re not going to “lose her” for improving yourself. She wants you to be unhealthy to stay with you?! That makes no sense in a good and loving relationship. Is she in therapy? Depression?
Huge red flag. Also a red flag that you’re considering it!
Your wife is insecure and toxic as hell…
Going to the gym less won’t solve the problem because the problem isn’t your physique, it’s her insecurity.