I 24M have been married to my husband Caleb 23M for 18 months together since we were 20 and 21.
When I was 17-18 I was in a relationship with an awful guy he hurt me physically and emotionally and on a few occasions SA’d me.
Caleb knew that I was with a bad guy but I never went into specifics because I just wanted to forget about it the only person I told everything to was my best friend Sarah 24F and it was thanks to her I was able to leave him. My family were religious and didn’t approve of me and Caleb so I no longer talk to them so they couldn’t help
I was out with Sarah about 3 weeks ago and we were drinking and I must’ve said some concerning things because she told Caleb that she was worried about me and he sat me down the next day and asked me about it but I didn’t even remember saying half the things I apparently said because I was drunk.
We talked and I ended up opening up more about what my ex did and I can see the shift since then
He won’t even touch me in any capacity. I tried to hold his hand the other day and he brushed me off and trying to do anything more than that is a fever dream. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but it’s futile he keeps telling me he’s just worried about me and I can’t get through to him that I cope in my own way and him basically rejecting me isn’t helping.
What’s worse is how he has been talking to me being ever so gentle, ever so calm checking up on me how I’m feeling and I hate it, I know it comes from a place of love but it feels so belittling, I can deal with his anger, his sarcasm, open warfare but his pity I can’t deal with, I hate what it’s done to us, it just feels like he doesn’t see me as me anymore it’s like he looks at me and sees a victim. It’s like I’m some broken animal that needs to learn to trust again. And I can’t even talk to anybody about it because it would mean telling more people about my past and Sarah is being supportive but she doesn’t fully get it.
Comments
He won’t touch you cause he is in care/protect mode right now.
Your relationship is fine. You two just need to heal.
You especially. You may not wanna be treated like a victim but you were.
Two people who I assume love you are worried about you. You owe it to them and yourself to get help.
Also just tell the man, repeatedly, what you NEED from him. Tell him how to care for you. While also seeking professional help.
Be very sceptical of friends who go out of their way to tell other people “they’re worried about you”. Just something I’ve picked up over the years.
He thinks if he acts normal, you’ll think he’s ignoring what you revealed and he doesn’t want to seem uncaring. He’s not being manipulative, just caring. Let some time pass. Together.
He loves you. Hes not rejecting you. This is in your head.
It’s time for a nice long conversation. Honestly, this line you wrote:
“it just feels like he doesn’t see me as me anymore it’s like he looks at me and sees a victim.”
Woof. That really sums it up nicely. If you don’t write as a hobby at least, I encourage you to pick it up. You’re very good at defining complicated emotions like this one. If you say it like this and he still can’t understand why that’s hurtful it may be time to explore couples counseling.
It’s also a little messed up that he’s not listening to you about what you need from him. Who is he to tell you how to deal with things? It didn’t happen to him.
When you do sit down to talk I would do two things:
Write down exactly what you want to say. And then give it to him afterwards to read and reallllly commit to memory.
Ask him to not say anything at first and to just let you get through what you need to say.
In case you want a script to help you out:
“I’ve noticed that your behavior towards me has shifted a lot since I opened up to you about my trauma, and not in what feels like a good way. Specifically, I’ve been feeling like you no longer want to touch or be touched by me. When I reach for you for reassurance and comfort, you pull away from me. When you reject me like that, it makes me feel like you’ll only ever see me as The Victim, and that I’ll never just be the person you love again. To be clear, I am not a victim anymore. I am a survivor.
I’ve also noticed that you’ve been speaking to me differently. I feel as though you are treating me like a child that doesn’t understand what happened to her. I am well aware of what happened. I lived it. I have had to cope with the repercussions since before I met you. I haven’t changed at all. All that changed is that you’ve learned more about me. Why is that enough to change behaviors of yours that we’re literally never a problem before?”
Hi. First of all, I’m sorry this has happened to you. It tends to shape views of almost everything thereafter if you let it.
This is something you’re allowed to address as well. Understand that this is new info for him to digest and he’s allowed to have his feelings. What he is not allowed to do is not communicate with his wife.
Some practical things to do would be when he asks you again “are you okay” assure him you’re doing great and ask back “are you okay? You have been asking me that lately.”
Or
“I’m actually not ok. I’m worried about how your view of me might have changed since you learned about the past. Is there something you need to get off your chest or ask, or are just on your mind?”
Be proactive. Definitely not a victim mentality to be the one initiating communication and collaboration. This should assist in his view of you (if he is all worried about you) in behavior vs just you telling him.
Hugs from an internet stranger.
You need to see a couples counselor to help you through this. This is going to be messy to navigate by yourselves. You need a neutral mediator