TW: suicide.
My husband died by suicide fifteen days ago, and we are in the process of getting everything organized for his memorials now.
The picture I had chosen for the materials (his obituary, the funeral card, to have blown up at the service) was of him and our one year old son, I thought it was a really sweet picture. they’re both smiling, it’s a nice memory. but he took it and uploaded it to social media the morning he died.
His mom has been a massive help and i’m not trying to be hateful to a woman who has just lost her only living child but she decided that the picture was inappropriate because of when it was taken. initially i just told her i didn’t agree and didn’t think any more of it, but i realized today in reviewing the final (submitted) info that she went above me and picked a totally different picture. The one she chose is OK, he looks cute (he always looks cute) but is old, from before we met, and i feel like doesn’t represent the man who died, a husband and dad.
i’m really upset. i’d have preferred my original photo. am i overreacting?
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Not at all. You are his spouse. Yes she’s his mother and I think a joint decision could be respectful but that isn’t what she did. Also to deliberately choose a photo from before you were part of his life is hurtful.
Is it possible to change it back?
I am so sorry for your loss! I cannot imagine how it would feel to lose the father of my kids.
Your MIL… I get that you want to give her slack, but I would have lost it! You are not overreacting and she is overstepping in a big way. And she knew you wouldn’t disagree or she would have asked you (again).
I am so very sorry for your loss.
You are not overreacting. I would lose my damn mind.
Who is paying for the service?
Oh my god, I can’t imagine what you are going through. I am so very sorry for your loss.
In the circles of grief, you, the bereaved partner and mother of his child, are the most important person. She should be supporting you, not overriding you. This is not ok. But grief is a strange beast, with sharp claws, and it makes people act crazy at times.
I am so very sorry for your painful loss. I don’t think there’s such a thing as “overreacting” in these circumstances, your being upset is absolutely understandable. While I also understand that the photo you initially chose was probably quite painful for his mom, being taken on such a horrible day, there was a way forward that she did not take: just asking you if you could use a different photo of your husband with LO, taken a different day. It was wrong for her to make a unilateral decision on this and change what you’d done, especially when you’d addressed the issue.
That said, if the relationship is otherwise good and she doesn’t normally boundary stomp, you’ve got a ton on your emotional plate right now and I’d consider filing this under “people do some awful uncharacteristic stuff in fresh grief” so it doesn’t add to your load. I suppose it’s too late to change the photo? Hopefully you’ll be able to receive some counseling/therapy going forward to navigate all of this, and this incident might be worth bringing up if the feelings linger.