My MIL was born in Italy. Came here as an adult in an arranged marriage to another Italian man. She left her entire family and came here to America with him and his family. He was from her hometown in Italy too but his entire family had immigrated to the states. She knew him 2 weeks before getting married and moving. They have two sons. My husband is the youngest. She hates her husband and his whole family. Has been miserable here her whole life and has made a point to refuse to assimilate to American culture. She has been here over 50 years but still has a thick Italian accent and can barely read or write in English. I married my husband 12 years ago and we have two kids. I am also of Italian heritage but am a 3rd generation American. My great grandparents were born in Italy. Since my husband and I got married and moved in together it has been non stop judgement. First it was how my home isn’t clean enough and I don’t cook right for my husband. Then once we had kids it was that I don’t parent them correctly and that my husband should not have to do any of the child rearing. Women in her eyes should do all the housework, parenting, running of the home and he should just go to work and come home to a meal waiting. I work too and my husband has always been an active dad. When our first baby was born she told me it was horrible that her son had to wake up at night and that she would sleep at our house to help if I couldn’t handle it. (We both told her absolutely not.)
Recently her family has visited from Italy and on both visits they acted like it was a charity visit. Made comments that we were poor and like they pitied us for living here in America. Kept giving us money too. My MIL won’t take them sightseeing when they are here and they’ve actually said there’s nothing worth seeing here anyway. Basically – Italy is the greatest place on earth and they feel sorry for us for being stuck here in shitty America. We have yet to go there to visit his family and all they do is scold us for not having visited. Every time we book a vacation elsewhere my MIL is mad at my husband. If he calls from a vacation to tell her about how much he’s enjoying it or something cool we did she just tells him how Italy is better.
The part that bothers me the most is that my husband does not defend us and never calls her out. When they sit and tell my daughter that there is nothing worth seeing here in America and that Italy has more he says nothing. And when I tell them that it’s insulting that his whole family basically thinks I’m American trash – he just defends them and says that’s just how it is in Italy and Italian women have cleaner homes. My MIL has actually verbally said that I am a “stupid American slob.” We have a very clean house but it’s a busy cluttered house with two small kids and two dogs. I find it hard to believe though that all Italians are super neat and that all Italians would be this rude and disrespectful to their relatives from other countries. After the most recent incident he told me they just hate America because of Trump. But this went on long before Trump was ever a thing. My MIL has always resented me for not being a real Italian girl. I’m just so sick of them. I’m so sick of her nasty comments and her judgement. She chose to raise sons in America and then is furious that they married American women. Make it make sense? I love to travel and see new cultures but the idea of going to Italy with my narcissistic mother in law is ruining it for me and it’s why I won’t plan the trip! I don’t even want to be around her anymore.
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Honestly – it sounds like your mother in law is just generally an incredibly miserable person. And a part of me does feel for her. Imagine being shipped off somewhere you don’t want to live, with a man you don’t like, and being stuck there your whole life? I’m sure after all these years the damage from that is just irreparable.
I know it’s not much, but try to remember that it’s not necessarily about YOU – she is miserable about anything and everything. I think even if you were the perfect wife and did all the things she says, she would still find something to be upset about.
She is miserable. If she hates it here so much why hasn’t she left? Stop letting that woman and her family in your home OR tell her where to put her hat.
Time to set boundaries.
She hates your house- keeping so she doesn’t need to go to your house again.
She doesn’t approve of you being American, so she doesn’t need to have close contact with your American children.
Your husband refuses to defend the family he chose to create… He can keep his relationship with his mom, but you’re sitting out with your American children until he learns to stand up to her.
My dad’s parents were 1st generation Irish Americans and disowned us when I was 3 because they thought my mom corrupted their family line. My mom is Irish/ English/ German decent but her side has been in America forever. I’m 30 and never had any desire to know people like this.
Even small children notice how people treat their mama and it’s important you stand up for yourself and limit the impact they can have on your children. They will internalize the criticism of you as criticism towards them.
I would think she’s stuck not just in the Italy that she left, but the time in which she left it. I’ve always called this the “little village in Italy syndrome “, and in this case it really is in Italy. You can’t join her in a foreign land in 1975, because it’s not there any more. My guess is most of the “Italian women do this” statements are about what they used to do. She’d be just as shocked by Italy.
I’ve experienced this with some closed minded Europeans as well. The vast majority don’t hate us. The one’s that do come off as deranged, miserable cows.
The suggestions here are on point with responses and boundaries.
She really needs to be told to go back to Italy if she hates it here so much.
But I think all of this can be so much better if you do not have a husband problem. Your main issue here is the husband. He needs to grow a spine and put MIL in her place. Otherwise, nothing will change. This is not your battle to fight, it is his.