kind of dramatic… but I’m starting to feel this way. My MIL and I had a decent-ish relationship until my husband and I started wedding planning 2 years ago. We now have a 9 month old daughter and things have just gotten worse. She is the biggest cause of my anxiety – here are some things that have occurred recently that escalated the situation:
A bit of a back-story: I should mention my MIL and FIL are divorced and my FIL is remarried. when we announced we were expecting, my MIL told me that my FIL is already a grandfather and this isn’t going to be his first grandchild. He apparently already had a child before my husband and sister-in-law. My husband never knew this. My MIL literally dropped this bomb on me when we told her I was pregnant and then when I told her that my husband should know and I feel I need to tell him, she said “I wouldn’t.”
During my baby shower last September, my MIL was actually talking about me (during MY baby shower) to my husband’s cousins. She told his cousins that I do not like her, but nothing is going to keep her from her grandbaby. His cousins told me this occurred. I confronted my MIL and she victimized herself saying “no one ever cares about my feelings, I should have just kept it to myself like I always do.”
When we had our baby in November, we told people we do not want anyone kissing her. She did, SEVERAL times and became upset when we told her not to due to sicknesses/her not having her vaccines yet, etc.
Fast forward to recent: She got free baseball tickets from work that she “gifted” to my husband and I as an “anniversary gift” without asking if we wanted them/if that day would work, etc. It was like 90 degree weather that day and we ultimately decided not to go and she gave the tickets to her brother so they got used anyways. She assumed she was going to watch our daughter, without us ever asking her to do so. I had already asked my mom to watch her as my mom does so regularly and this particular event would require someone to put her down for the night which no one besides us have done before and my mom has put her down for naps many times. My MIL got angry and said if we wanted to go out to dinner or do something else (since we weren’t going to the game), she could watch our baby. I told my husband no. He told her we were just staying home. We ended up being out & about and he got a text hours later where I visibly saw his face change. She DROVE BY OUR HOUSE. not once, but TWICE. she said “if you didn’t want me to watch MY grandbaby, you could have told me instead of lying.” She’s literally driving by our house to see if we’re home???? I’m sorry, but that’s crossing a line.
I should add that my husband did respond to this message letting her know that it was out of line and that he is a grown adult with a family of his own & she does not need to be keeping tabs on him. She got EXTREMELY defensive saying “how dare you think I’m psycho” etc. for driving by. He did go and have a face-to-face conversation with her which he said was ultimately a waste of time as she was a victim the entire time and cried the majority of the time/was hysterical and even made comments such as “I’d be better off dead to you.”
Next: My husband’s step-grandfather passed away (MIL’s step-dad). She literally thought we were going to take our 9 month old to the service – she said there’s plenty of room to lay a blanket on the ground for her and when we told her no, she said “please reconsider. She would help us get through the day.” She’s a BABY, not an emotional support animal. There may be mixed feelings on this one, but my husband and I feel that this is not an event a 9 month old should be attending. Especially when it’s pretty much an all-day thing.
I am literally at my wits end and told my husband I do not want a relationship with her. I don’t feel comfortable with her watching our daughter, she definitely seems unstable. I understand that this is his mom, but she has crossed way too many boundaries and I cannot feel comfortable around her any longer. What would you do??? How would you handle this??? I am in therapy. I do speak about this frequently. Am I overreacting? Is she not as bad as I think? Like WHAT IS GOING ON.
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Not overreacting at all. She is a loon.
Breathe. Deeply. Welcome to a community where this, unfortunately, is too common.
You’ve got a good husband who appears to be supporting you and not a momma’s boy, and that’s most of the battle.
You DON’T talk or communicate with her. All communications go through your husband. His relatives are his to deal with. He doesn’t get to throw you under the bus, though, by claiming all his negative interactions with them are because of you. He also doesn’t get to whine or rant about his relatives to you. He can find a therapist for that. You shouldn’t be hearing anything about them.
Both you and your husband need to understand boundaries better. Those are not for anyone else to follow, those are rules. Boundaries are you impose and enforce when the rules are broken. Examples:
Rule: No kissing the baby.
Boundary: Leave immediately, or end the get together, when a kiss happens.
As for your MIL telling you “I wouldn’t” about telling your husband something directly related to him, that’s her being manipulative. Of course, you’re going to tell your husband anything you feel that he should know.
My condolences to you on the loss of your step-GFIL.
This is how you always need to respond:
I/we appreciate the offer. When (I/we) decide that (I/we) want you to babysit, (I/we) will let you know and see if you’re available.
No further discussion or negotiation.
She pitches a fit — she earns a timeout (for however long you feel is necessary and it increases with each offense)
She victimizes herself — you either completely ignore or respond with 👍
You don’t owe anyone access to your child — she has earned the relationship that you have with her.
Muting/blocking her whenever she’s in a timeout is also going to be necessary
Any flying monkeys also earn the same timeout
Your husband isn’t yet able to recognize the whole extent of his mother’s craziness AND he doesn’t see that letting her in your life time and time over will destroy your marriage. Not today, but over time you will lose your trust in him because of him enabling his mom and not considering/ understanding your feelings and boundaries. Ask him if your family is less important than setting strict boundaries with his mom and standing firm.
I would go to marriage counseling and he should go to therapy individually.
Not over reacting. Both of you seem to be navigating her rather well, you are communicating with each other and DH is able to tell his Smother that her surveillance of your home & lives is unacceptable. Take that as a win. Also, you’re working with a therapist, that’s another positive.
You don’t have to have a relationship with her. She has a bio title to YOUR child and that’s it. We earn relationships with our behaviors; her behaviors suck. She should fix her stuff, apologize, and find a hobby.
I can’t answer your questions about what her deal is. She needs help and to find her own identity.
Tap out. Block her everywhere.
She’s mentally unbalanced and has no business being around a baby.
Once husband grows tired and irritated enough by her nonsense he’ll likely tap out too.
Take a time out, it doesn’t have to be forever for now (if husband needs it framed that way) but take a break and just focus on your baby. You’re both new parents, if she can’t support rather than add more stress – then you don’t need to see her.
You’re not overreacting. She literally stalked you that time she was driving by your house. Other replies have good suggestions about stepping back but i wanted to address this line:
“I do speak about this frequently”
This is something you can, and should, work on. Set a boundary with your Husband (and yourself) that you don’t talk about her unless you are going to see her. Get her out of your house and headspace.
You can’t control your husband, you can’t control her. You can control what goes on in your house, and you can implement a “two yes, one no” rule so you feel you have control over what you LO does.
After the funeral, take a big break. You don’t have to decide on a perminant cutiff, but you need a good amount of time to reset. During this time, don’t talk about her at all. See how many weeks you can go without talking about her. If you’re tempted to bring her up, practice self control by keeping it to yourself abs trying to focus on other things. If your ruminating, find a physical activity that puts you in “flow mode”.
Starting today, she has no control over you. She can complain, or say whatever she wants, it has no bearing on how you conduct your eveyday life, and never will. Make her as insignificant as she claims you already have.
Your MIL’s behavior is toxic and invasive. You’ve set boundaries, and she’s consistently disregarded them. Prioritize your family’s well-being and safety. Limiting contact or establishing strict boundaries might be necessary. Your therapist can help you navigate this.
You’re not overreacting. She’s invasive, manipulative, and ignoring every boundary you set. Cutting contact and keeping her away from your kid sounds like the only way to keep your sanity.