I’m just here to rant that this makes me super uncomfortable. I’m 28 years old and have known them since I was 19. Ive birthed their grandchildren. I get referring to yourself as Mrs.LastName when we first met even though I was technically an adult at the time. But it’s so uncomfortable for me at this point and it has been for a long time.
My parents are so casual with my husband. I grew up in Hawaii where we call everyone aunty and uncle. To go from aunty/uncle to the formality of Mrs/Mr last name with my own family members just makes it that much worse for me. My husband is one of five boys, the other SILs feel similarly.
They’re from the east coast USA so I understand traditions are different but I’m a full adult and I’ve married into the family and been around the block.
It’s not like they’re super warm and fuzzy and welcoming outside of the name thing, I feel about as welcome as this insistence on Mrs.LastName might make one feel.
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Do they make that insistence with others too, like DH’s friends?
I would get my children calling them mr and Mrs last name too. See how they like that
As someone from the East Coast, this is NOT an East Coast thing. They just have cold, steel rods firmly and permanently lodged aaaaall the way up their backsides. What happens if you do refer to them by their first names? Or a casual Mrs. L or whatever their initial may be? What do your kids call them? Try calling them Nana and Papa.
Call them Mother and Father [Last Name] – it’s what they want and not at all what they want at the same time 🤩
Anyone who insists on a formal name in informal conversations is a pompous asshat. I’d refer to them directly as their first names, “husbands parents” indirectly, or grandpa/grandma around my children.
It’s weird behavior, not crazy, but maybe lean into it and put on a British Accent or hoity American one when saying their names and say something like (with a big smile) “lol I can’t help it, I always feel so silly calling other adults Mr/Mrs Blank. But I’ll try to stop!”. Realizing this would’ve worked better early in the relationship, probably not now. Also wondering why hubby hasn’t made them stop.
Tell them that they can start referring to you that way as well.
Wow! I can’t decide if you should ask them to call you Mrs. LastName (to keep things formal and respectful) or if you should just never address them by any name at all. And if you DO agree to call them that, your children should, as well. Not Grandmother or Granny or Mimi … but Mrs. LastName.
Heh heh.. Mr and Mrs Asshat has a ring to it.
Don’t address them directly, but when you have your child with you, keep referring to them as granny and gramps. Like, don’t think granny wants help fixing dinner?” “Let’s tell gramps it’s dinner time”.
See how they like that
What do your kids call them? I’d just call them that.
Where is your husband during this nonsense?
It’s just something u will have to get used to. You’re gonna have to call individual by the name they prefer..whether u are comfortable with it or not!
I do think it’s weird that they call themselves that but for my In laws I would have used Mr or Mrs myself especially if they didnt directly tell me what they wanted to be called!
For reference…My husband calls his mother by her first name! I was taken aback when I first heard him call her it! But I don’t… I started calling her “Mrs (first name)” on my own she also never told me she wanted to be called a certain name.
ETA..I’m from east coast deep south and have lived in several southern states!
Flip the script and put that touch of island casual on it … Mrs. LastInitial.
Do your children address their grandparents as Mr and Mrs Last Name? Or is it only you and SILs that are required to do so? How idiotic.
I can just see Grandparents Day at school and your children saying this is my Mrs Last Name…I wonder if that will be a proud moment for Mr and Mrs Not-My-Grands?
Pompous asses.
I suggest that DH also start calling them Mr. and Mrs. LastName. That may help them to catch the joke faster.
You and DH should both continue the practice until his parents give up, however long it takes.
If someone asks me to call them Ms. or Mr. Last name, they need to extend the same curtesy and I will be Ms. last name going forward.
Now my parents called their in-laws Ms. and Mr. Last name but that stopped when the grandkids (me and my cousins) were born. And then they were just the grandparent names. But that was 40 years ago.
I also grew up calling friends parents, Mr and Ms last name and that’s been hard as an adult to transition to first names. But it’s made easier after kids because now we introduce the kids to Mr and Ms first name. I’m Ms. first name to a lot of kids and those same parents of my friends will call me Ms. first name to their grandchild.
But it’s also related to the whole demeanor, people I’m around say it names with love and it’s endearing and sometimes I also will say “hey Ms. kid first name, how was your day?” There is respect.
It doesn’t sound like your in-laws are coming from a respectful place with this boundary. Now it’s their boundaries and I’m all about calling people what they’re comfortable with. But if thats how you want to be addressed and if want a more formal relationship, don’t complain when I want the same address and formal relationship.
If they want a formal and distant relationship then they should get it. And that formal and distant relationship will also extend to any children you may have. If they complain about it, tell them that you are just following the cues they gave you. If they don’t like it, too bad, so sad. It’s all their fault.
Sounds like they need to be “Grandmother/father Mrs./Mr. Last Name” to your kids.
Ba-ha.
“No, I’m not doing that.”
That’s, frankly, ridiculous. I .wouldn’t call them anything, personally. They’d be you/you both/they/them/my husband’s parents… but other than that, I’d simply not play their game.
I had a very similar interaction with my friend’s husband’s mother. I already didn’t like the woman because when I walked in (Big BBQ after a graduation), she was scolding my friend for not walking behind the guests and cleaning up after them. Then, made remarks about us being “classless”… Lady, we’re in the Army. With your son. Anyway… She tried insisting I address her as “ma’am”. The third time she tried to “correct” me by saying, “Yes….what?” I snapped and said, “I don’t know who the fuck you think you’re talking to, but I’m not your daughter in law. You’ll get my respect when you earn it. And lady, you’re in a deficit right now.” Friend’s bff (civilian) and I had a howl about it later. Aparrently, she’d been a monster-in-law their entire relationship. Friend and her husband were silent when I said it, and she left about an hour later when everyone basically began ignoring her. My friend thanked me after the party. They ended up going LC/NC with her about a year later because she kept boundary stomping and trying to humiliate my friend.
Obviously, your situation is a little different, and I wouldn’t advise swearing at them. But I’d treat it like a manager of equal station insisting you treat them as a superior, when they’re not. Firm, but very clear.
That, or get your PhD and insist they refer to you as “Doctor Firstname Middleinitial Lastname”. But only them. Everyone else gets to address you normally.
what does your husband have to say about this? does he agree or think it’s weird
I have always loved that transition time when my children’s friends went from calling me “Mr. Zmog” to just “Zyz”. To me, it means that they’re comfortable as adults in my world, and I’m happy for that.
And my children-in-law can call me whatever they feel comfortable calling me. But when they choose to call me “Dad,” my heart melts. Every. Single. Time.
Pity that OP’s in-laws are denying themselves that joy.
I would call the mother-in-law and father-in-law, You’re being accurate not disrespectful but you’re also not leaning into the bullshit power play they’re trying to pull. If they really get on your nerves just call them Mil and Fil.
That’s admittedly very weird. Have you tried going for the gusto and using their first names? Although my MIL is 98 1/2, her sons are in their late 60’s, early 70’s and she has a full-blown meltdown if they don’t call her “mother”. It’s ridiculous.
My mil made it a point to tell me that I was to call them Mr. & Mrs. Last name because I’m not family. She reminded me of that frequently.
Edit for missing word
They might be less insistent on the title if you co-opt it. For example, if you’re comfortable with it, you could start to refer to yourself and your husband as “Mrs. and Mr. Last name” while exclusively referencing MIL and FIL as “Mr./Mrs Last name /senior/.”
My in laws insist on being called by their first names. It was made very clear that they are not parents to the people who marry in to the family.
As a result, my husband calls them by their first names, because he married me, and if I’m not family, neither is he.
They go so far as to sign all card with “mom and dad/first names”.
But their grandkids are now married and their spouses call them grandma and grandpa and that’s not an issue.
My dad’s parents insisted their children call them “Mother” and “Father” from a young age, never any diminutive like “Mommy” or “Mom. They also insisted grandchildren call them Grandma <last name> and Grandpa <last name>. I don’t think they were narcs. They were just part of the silent generation and extremely buttoned up introverts besides.
Still, that’s a bit removed from having their daughter-in-law call them Mr and Mrs <last name>. My mom called them “Mother” and “Father” if speaking directly to them, or Grandma and Grandpa <last name> if talking about them to others. Are others your age in the family similarly instructed to call them by their last names I wonder?
If the insistence is the formality of Mr and Mrs Lastname, fine. Go with it. But remember, if the relationship is this formal then they are NOT grandma and grandpa, they are Me and Mrs Lastname, and get none of the typical grandparent rights or responsibilities.
Oh that is so weird and a massive powerplay!
OP, advise MIL that you expect to be addressed in the same (stupid) manner. Lean right into this nonsense and demand the same respect that her and FIL address you as Mrs Surname and address your husband as Mr Surname in front of them, after all you want to be respectful. I’d encourage SIL’s to do the same! If you have kids, they need to be called Master Surname and Miss Surname.
Ew. And what are they referred to as? Grandma and Grandad?
I’d never say their names again. This is a power play. Humble them. Diffuse their power.
I would insist on your children calling them by those names too. Clearly you aren’t family to them, so by extension neither are your children.
They made their bed, they can lie in in.
“I’m as much an adult as you, so if you wish me to refer to you formally as Mr/Mrs LastName, I will hereon be referred to as Mrs LastName…” better still as Ms LastName or Ms MaidenName ” and my kids will be referred to as Master FirstName and Mis FirstName.”
Show them the stupidity of their behavior. If they refuse and insist on being addressed formally, but don’t show you the same ‘respect’, then just pack up and leave, or if at your place, kick them out.
Formality and respect is a two-way street
I hope this motivates you to get a PhD just so they have to call you Dr.
My in laws want me to call them either mom and dad or mommy and daddy (i’d rather break my own kneecaps than call them that) which offends me and is a definite power play based on their feelings about me and mine about them. I called one of them by their first name once and they acted like I’d tried to kill them both so now I just don’t call them anything. It’s shockingly easy to not call someone anything when directly addressing them. If I ever have to it’ll be a first name again, but this whole thing has worked for about 7 years so idk maybe it’ll keep working until they die. If it doesn’t we can all just run another round of the whole first name thing.
I had to call my ILs Mr. and Mrs. LastName also. What I found stupid was that I (because I changed my last name to my husband’s) was also Mrs. LastName. It felt weird to be calling my MIL the same as what my formal name was. Like I was talking to myself. But she was nothing like me.
‘Why are we constantly kept at armslength?’ – inlaws that insist on being addressed as strangers.
Lol
Never text them again. Telegrams only for Mr and Mrs Old-School
They sound like power trippers 🙄
Talk to your husband, get him to join you in calling them Mr and Mrs Last name. Make sure he’s clear that whatever name you are calling them that’s what he’ll call them too. But generally, I would call anyone by the name they wish to be called unless it’s super offensive to the people around you both, or inappropriate (like a grandmother demanding to be called mum to ursurp the mother’s role).
Wow. I’d get my kids to call them Mr. and Mrs. LastName too. I’d have to try things out with the actual name to decide if I wanted to use Grandma and Grandpa…”okay, sweetheart, Grandma Mrs. Smith wants to read you a story; go sit with Grandma Mrs. Smith on the sofa,” etc. I feel like it might work. It would certainly get remarked upon! 😂
Hang on a sec, does this nonsense apply to every other adult in the family, including SILs or just you?
I’m from the east coast. This is not a tradition. Your inlaws are just assholes. You should make them refer to YOU as Mrs Last name, too. Your kids as well. Be really over the top about demanding it. I bet the other SILs would go along with this.
I mean, if I were in this situation I’m sure my husband would just tell his parents they were being ridiculous and very weird. But he has no filter. I agree with referring to them as Grandmother Smith and Grandfather Smith from now on.
Id take this over “why won’t you call me mom?” Because you’re NOT my mom.
Almost everyone I know refers to their in laws by their first names. If super close maybe “mom and dad”. My MIL expects me to call her mom. No thanks. I avoid referring to her most times, but when I do, I just use her first name. She doesn’t like it, but she’s not my mom so im not calling her mom.
The strangest part of this to me is aren’t you and the hubs also … Mr and Mrs Last Name? Lol. It’s WEIRD
If this is something they’ve insisted on, then might I suggest you do the same thing and ask them to call you Mrs Foreign-Bath and also have your children call them Mr and Mrs Lastname and see how they like that.
From East Coast US and my MIL tried that. I just didn’t listen. Over a decade later I call her and my FIL by their first names. My BIL got roped into it but he married DH’s sister before we got married and eventually asked how I got permission to call her by her name. I told him I never got permission…I just do it.
Call yourself Mr and Mrs Last name to them. Ask for it. Correct them every single time too.
I have a wonderful solution for you! Use it, use it with relish, abundance, and passive aggression.
Mrs Lastname, could you please pass the salt?
What a beautiful sunset, don’t you think Mrs Lastname?
Can you advise on a terrible dog diarrhoea Mrs Lastname?
I don’t know if they will change their expectation but surely, they will see how ridiculous they are being.
> My husband is one of five boys, the other SILs feel similarly.
I mean, the good news is that they’re not singling you out. They’re cold, distant and unwelcoming to all of their DIL.
It’s not great but at least y’all got solidarity.
The other option is to refer to her as “Mother Surname” but only within a group setting as ” Mrs Surname” is confusing when all of the in laws are together. See how long you can push it before she cracks, especially if you get all of the DILs to do it.
I’d refer to them as Grandma and Grandpa Last Name exclusively.
My wife’s family is like this as well. We have been married for 15 years and together for 21. There is no animosity it was the boundary that was established and respected. Flip the script and imagine them feeling awkward and uncomfortable being expected to address you a certain way.
I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this. But, my first thought when I started reading was the old Bewitched show and the wife refers to her husband’s mother as ‘Mother Steven’s’ and the father in law is ‘Mr. Stevens’.
I’d be tempted to add a brief curtsey whenever I call them by name.
Start referring to all of your BILs and SILs as Mrs/Mr last name. Insist they do the same to each other (only when with the in-laws). It will show them how ridiculous this is real fast.
This is so weird because I would feel so uncomfortable if ANYONE called me Mrs. Last name. My kid’s friends will absolutely call me by my first name or if their parents insist Ms. First name
Y’all are Mrs.lastname too. All of the DIL should start requesting to be addressed as such. Let it be confusing as hell
Just don’t do it. Seriously.
Sounds like a southern thing. It’s weirdly formal but just a cultural difference.
What do your kids call them? Can you just call them grandma and grandpa or whatever the grandkids call them?
I never learned what to refer to my FIL as, so having a baby (the only baby) made my life so much easier because I refer to him as grandpa now. Lmao
I spent an actual decade not referring to him by a name because I wasn’t sure.
It does seem odd to me, but I also think addressing people by the names they prefer is basic courtesy. For the most part, anyway. I will not call my in- laws mom and dad, though that seems to be her preference. That’s a level of closeness I don’t feel.
I’m from the east coast and I refer to my in-laws by their first names, as do everyone else I know. I guess this might be like a WASPy Connecticut/RI thing? As a New Yorker though this would weird me out too
If they are kind and respectful to you, just be courteous and use their preferred name. You would likely do it for an LGBT+ friend, just take it as such.
I think it’s annoying AF, but if it keeps the peace, it’s really not a huge ask to respect their choice of name.
Now, if they disrespect you, your boundaries, or your baby, they can fuck right off.
Yeah I’m in Delaware and my MIL was less than ideal and I always referred to her and my FIL by their first names and With the exception of a couple who call their inlaws Mom and Dad, everyone I know calls their inlaws by their first names.
This seems like a power play to me. I probably wouldn’t use any names for them. Just walk into rooms and start talking to them. Lol
This is so ridiculous! Make them refer to you and your husband as Mr and Mrs last name, get all the siblings and partners to do the same, but go one further and get your children to refer to them as that too! If you aren’t good enough to have a personal use name, then your children aren’t using a grandparent name!
If formal titles are preferable, join them.
From now on, you can require to be addressed as “Mrs John Last name” (whatever your husband’s name is).
Your sisters in law can all do the same.
Sure, it will raise eyebrows and it’s not exactly “done” in today’s society, but imagine MIL choking on having to respectfully address you so formally!
It might just be the catalyst to relax all of the formal titles.
“Grandmother Mrs. Ernestina Forcythia Wentworth-Formica, first of her name, how are you and Grandfather Mr. Algernon Montgomery Alyoicious Wentworth-Formica, first of his name today? I was just saying to Mr. Brentwood Fortescue Wentworth-Formica (husband) just this morning that it was a lovely day. Mrs. Alison Elizabeth Wentworth-Formica (SIL #1), Mrs. Jessica Angelica Wentworth-Formica (SIL #2), and Mrs. Evangeline Hermione Wentworth-Formica (SIL #3) all agreed.”
I know it is tempting to think well this is their preferred name so we have to respect it, but this is not the same as someone who is transgender for example. Unless they ask everyone they know to refer to them by Mr and Mrs LastName then it isn’t their preferred name; it is a way to shown their dominance and create distance in your relationship, and the dominance is not something I would respect.
I’m from the east coast and even as a child my friend’s parents all wanted me to call them by their first name, not Mr or Mrs anything. Hell, I work in academia where some people feel very strongly about titles and even the unfriendliest person in the department wants to be called by their first name.
In your shoes, I would give them the distance they seem to crave by not bothering with them.
Be sure and refer to them at Mr and Mrs to the grandchildren. So the grands call them Mr and Mrs.
In the south (USA), it’s a sign of respect. Both of my parents referred to their respective in-laws as Mr and Mrs. Xxxxx. I remember the first time my boyfriend (now ex husband) referred to my father by his first name. Dad didn’t say anything about it but it was the only time this happened in the remaining 22 years! I referred to my in-laws as Mr. and Mrs. as it just felt weird to call them by their first name. I was taught to refer to any adult I knew well as Mr/Mrs/Miss along with their first name but would use last names on people my family didn’t know well.
For something like this, it’s probably best to respect their customs and not create too much conflict. The fact that they aren’t warm or welcoming in general is a separate issue. I’d say don’t interact with them more than you have to but i would avoid going completely no contact.