Or at least what I’m pretty sure she thought was an apology.
We have been NC with her for a bit under a month. So far she sent two pictures about how grandparents die, so you should really spend time with them, and this text:
“I still cannot understand why you would ever think that I don’t respect you. I left quickly because I was confused by your response. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you especially in your delicate condition. My only intention was to share with the both of you that it’s no one’s call what a bride and her groom decide to do for their special occasion. We are merely guests. That was it. I certainly don’t understand why [granddaughter] has to be denied the love of her grandparents.”
I’m pretty annoyed that THIS is her interpretation of the events. Doesn’t understand why I would think that she doesn’t respect me… but called me an ungrateful, selfish person who just does what her DH tells her to do, because how could I ever decide not to attend the bridal shower on my own. Didn’t want to upset me… but called everyone in the family to make sure they uninvite us from the wedding, don’t talk to us and don’t come to my daughter’s birthday. Does she think I forgot what happened or does she genuinely believe that this is what happened? Make it make sense.
Obviously, I haven’t responded to anything. Still waiting for a genuine apology, which at this rate seems like it will probably never happen.
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Apologies that are not for the “crime” are not apologies…thats gaslighting.
Tell her how you see things and hope it changes her mind, and she gives a real apology. NC can always resume.
“Then why did you announce my pregnancy and gossip behind my back?”
I received a fauxpology like yours. To paraphrase:
“I am sorry you felt anything less than loved. I wont go through the list you provided of instances because there are SO MANY misunderstandings. I hope you can value time together as much as I do. Let’s start over with a clear slate. Let’s get together in a few days with your LO and DH over breakfast. Going forward, let me know in the moment when you’re offended so I can explain.”
I let her know that I didn’t misinterpreted the way she chose to treat me for a decade and that the impact of her behavior is more important than whatever her intentions were. I told her that I would not be sweeping her behavior under the rug and that stating I didn’t value family time was very inappropriate when I’ve done nothing but be inclusive of her in my and my child’s life. My LO was 6 months at the time. We took a break from MIL unintentionally for 5 months and then she was around us for like 2 weekly. I started calling her out for her disrespectful behavior without sparing her fragile ego and instead of explaining or apologizing, she continued to behave disrespectfully but started crying through it.
I went NC and have been NC for over a year. She “has no idea what she has done that is wrong” because she doesn’t accept that her behavior isn’t wrong. She feels so deeply entitled that anything she does or says should not be held against her.
She said terrible things about me to get ex (FIL) AND his entire extended family and to my husband. My husband now knows she is emotionally abusive after some couples counseling and he’s seeking individual therapy to deal with the fear, obligation, and guilt.
If you’re NC, don’t respond. It’s not worth it. The thing they hate more than you not accepting their narrative is not engaging at all.
I’d respond “F. Try harder” as if you’re grading the “attempt” of apology.
I wouldn’t accept this apology. After the way she behaved you need a real apology and she needs to tell everyone she bad mouthed you to that it was a lie. What a b****h
I’d stay NC and leave her in timeout. The only thing these crazy manipulators understand is no longer having access to you and your baby and how it looks to others! Where’s your husband stand about the message? We have strict boundary that if someone can’t be respectful to one of us as our child’s parent, they don’t get access to the child.
MIL is gaslighting and guilting. Ignore, give her time to have a think, and see if she comes back with a proper apology.
You have a child, treat this is a parenting exercise and give this al the thought and consideration it deserves: none. Many ILs need time to understand their place in the lives of their ADULT children and SILs or DILs,
to grow into good grandparents, and to learn they’re no longer in charge.
Respond: lol…no. Try again
It’s not meant to be an apology. It says, I don’t see what I did wrong.
This is the “I’m sorry you feel that way”
We got a few of those before no contact 8 years ago.
If you can’t own up to your actions, and that they were wrong you can’t apologize.
Your MIL should get a gold medal for the Olympic mental gymnastics. 9.7 score. She’s very impressive, but not in the good way.
I hate to say it, but it’s probably one of those situations where you simply don’t want to respond and give her any additional ammunition to twist in her favor.
Her inability to understand the situation from your perspective is seriously Concerning.
>I still cannot understand why you would ever think that I don’t respect you. I left quickly because I was confused by your response.
The time to explain she was confused was either before she left or shortly after she left. She had plenty of opportunities to ask for clarification, but instead chose to talk to literally EVERYONE ELSE.
It’s not your responsibility to help her understand, it’s her responsibility to figure out how to deal with whatever thoughts she thinks you have that she doesn’t understand.
>The last thing I wanted to do was upset you especially in your delicate condition
3) CONFUSED people and people who CARE about your “delicate condition” (gag) DON’T SPEND TIME TURNING PEOPLE AGAINST YOU.
Her actions were MALICIOUS. And reconciliation should be contingent on her making sure the ENTIRE FAMILY is told she was behaved badly, and her demanding each and every one of them apologize to you.
>I certainly don’t understand why [granddaughter] has to be denied the love of her grandparents.
MAYBE because the love of her grandparents comes with the RISK of being KICKED OUT OF THE FAMILY ON HER BIRTHDAY?!?
Look, regardless of her interpretation of the argument, the argument isn’t the problem, it’s everything that followed. I’m so angry FOR you, weaponizing a CHILD’S BIRTHDAY is LOW.
There’s a really good book called “Why won’t you apologize”. Super good read! Especially helps understand the mindset of someone who sucks at apologies. I mailed it to my MIL. I haven’t heard from her in about a month after the crap apology she gave me after doing some selfish crap…
The damage is done, she already talked trash about you to everyone and it resulted in everyone not going to your kid’s birthday. You can’t reason with someone like this, she’s too self centered. I would continue NC.
stay NC and you and husband enjoy your lives without MIL’s interference and trying to ruin your lives, What crap from MIL!
I read your previous posts. MIL really wants access again to your child. The things MIL did to your child would make me never to want MIL near LO.
Forget about getting an apology- it will not be genuine.
That’s not an apology. I would keep the NC and not respond. How does DH feel?
“Especially in your delicate condition,” made me laugh.
To shorten it down for you-
She is confused by your behaviour and you’re sensitive.
All she wanted was to give you what is common sense for everyone else. She doesn’t understand why you’re denying her what she wants
So no, definitely not an apology.-
wow that’s a full DARVO bingo card right there. That is no apology at all! Stay strong and hang in there.