I’m 25, a mom, and I’ve been working really hard to rebuild my life this past year. My family and I are almost off government assistance, and I just want to focus on working hard, staying stable, and catching up on so much I’ve missed out on.
I haven’t traveled, haven’t been without my kids since 2020, and I’m finally starting to feel like I can breathe again. But my MIL is making that nearly impossible. She is extremely controlling and emotionally dependent on my husband.
She calls every single day, often ringing the phone over and over until someone answers. If my husband doesn’t pick up, she escalates — showing up at our door unannounced, like she did today because he didn’t answer a call yesterday.
And it’s not just phone calls. I’ve caught her doing multiple drive-bys past my apartment just to see who’s home, what cars are in the driveway — the whole nine. She used to keep very close tabs on what we bought and where we stood financially, but she no longer knows those details because we’ve had to shut her out and stop trusting her with that information.
Whenever she did know, she’d use it as leverage to ask for what she needed. Since cutting her off from that side of things, that part of our relationship has taken a hit — and honestly, it feels nastier between us now than it ever has.
She constantly asks to see the kids, but she never actually wants to watch them or take them out anywhere. She’s perfectly fine with just doing a drive-by and having me bring them downstairs from my apartment to see her for 15–20 minutes. That’s not the kind of relationship I want for them, and I’m not okay with it.
One example of something that recently pissed me off: last week, a package got delivered. She happened to already be outside waiting to pick up my son for school. I didn’t know she was out there yet, so I ran downstairs to grab it before getting him ready. The first thing she says is, “Was that your package?” — almost like she wanted me to know she’s clocking my every move.
She’s crossed privacy lines before. When my phone broke, I borrowed one of hers for a while so I could stay in touch with my husband during the day. After I got a new phone, I used the one she lent me to test call my new number just to make sure everything was working.
When I returned her phone, she later called my new number — which was sitting right at the top of the recent calls. It made me feel like she’d been checking the call history on a phone she only gave me to help, and honestly, that felt intrusive. Like, what were you looking for?
I feel like she’s constantly investigating us, double and triple checking to see if what my husband and I say lines up. It’s ABSOLUTELY exhausting living like this.
On top of everything else, it often feels like it takes a lot of my time and effort just for her to do her part. I’m home all day caring for both kids while my husband works, and I rarely ask anyone for help.
But since we only have one car, I needed her help getting my son to his therapy appointments. She either wouldn’t show up on time or would ask for gas money every time.
For example, if my son had school Monday and not again until Wednesday or Thursday, we’d give her $30 for gas on Monday — and by midweek she’d already be saying she was out of gas and needed more money, despite not having a job.
I literally had to cancel the rest of my son’s summer sessions because dealing with her to get him there was a nightmare. Every attempt at setting boundaries just makes her push harder.
I feel like a little girl trapped, unable to speak up fully because of who she is. I’m tired of tiptoeing around her feelings while she tramples over ours.
Has anyone dealt with this level of intrusion? How do you protect your peace when someone refuses to respect boundaries?
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Nope. Just no. Set up a clear boundaries that 1 call in a week is enough. No visits unless she’s invited. Your DH should be on board with you and focus on his own family rather than babysitting the grown arse woman. If he wouldn’t then you should start a family therapy and an individual as well. Instead of her car just get an Uber so it’ll be cheaper than dealing with her pettiness.
She keeps calling non stop. If you don’t want to answer unplug or mute the phone.
She shows up at the door, don’t answer.
She does drive by call her out for stalking.
She asks questions to see if story lines up, tell her none of her business.
Don’t give her any info to begin with. That way she has nothing to check on.
If you give her money on Monday, tell her that is all until next Monday. She shows up Wednesday and wants more, no. She says she won’t take him, fine. No more money next week because we gave you enough for a week.
However, I would not ask for her help at all. No matter what. Some help is just not worth the headache.
She wants you to bring kids downstairs, no.
No visitors that are not arranged at least 24 hours in advance.
You teach people how to treat you. Stop being a doormat.
Whats the deal with your husband though? Is he supporting you or taking your mom’s side. You haven’t answered that and it’s important part of your situation.
Serious talk: info diet. She gets to know nothing.
If she’s uninvolved then keep her uninvolved. Don’t make the effort for a 15-20 minute “visit”. Tell her this.
Get your license and a car. Don’t rely on her anymore for anything like that. My MIL would do the same thing if I asked for a lift somewhere when I didn’t drive. She started using it to control my time, schedule and life.
Make your own money and work even from home. You need that financial stability because I think you should move somewhere new, out of her reach.
If she brings up something private or asks an overly personal question about what you’re doing, grey rock, tell her nothing and remind her that she doesn’t need to know said thing.
You’re young. You’ll learn to speak up and when to set boundaries. It gets easier if your partner gets on board with setting boundaries with his mother too.
Kind of sounds like your options are to cut her out of your life completely or move cities (and tell her she gave you no choice).
Your DH might feel like a worse son for doing so, but she is making the choice to make all the in between impossible. You can keep going no contact and refuse anyone connected to her, refuse every last strand of control, but at some point, you’re trying to get a court order to stop her access. And DH can’t have both – he can’t prevent her totally and completely from reaching you and also maintain a relationship with her.
Because SHE is showing and saying with her actions that she is not willing to settle for anything less than a completely enmeshed and invasive presence in your marriage and family.
Moving far enough away and not giving her the address seems like a lot less work.