I 26F got a phone call from my mom last night that started with her asking how I would feel about a sibling. This is something she has mentioned in the past but very briefly. For some context they always wanted to have a child together but my mom had her tubes tied when they met and by the time they had the money to untie them my mother was deemed to old. My step dad has no children to call his own and passing his name and everything down is huge to him. My mom would like me to give her an egg to carry to help her marriage survive and for her to have another child. They would want to keep this all private between them, myself and my SO if I choose to share which I have. My initial instinct is no absolutely not because it feels extremely incesty which I haven’t fully expressed to my mom. He’s not my dad I know. I had a good and bad relationship with my bio father whom as this point I haven’t spoken to in years minus holiday and birthday texts. My step dad has never seen me as his actual child even though he’s been around since I was 6. I’m having a few major dilemmas with this 1. He’s still been a father figure to me even though he cannot accept that for some reason 2. My worries for my mothers body because well she is older now 3. How will this feel mentally in the long run. Has anyone been in a similar situation or donated eggs and seen the child? Did you feel a connection to them? I don’t have any children of my own so I’m not sure how I’m going to react. I haven’t spoken to any doctors since this is all so fresh but my mother has and they said they’d pay for all the medical bills, therapy and whatever but if I do move forward with this would it be wrong to set boundaries and ask for some help with other stuff? I’m also having a hard time thinking about having to change up basically my entire life style because frankly I drink, I vape, I take edibles, and sometimes all of the above at festivals. I’m somewhat healthy besides those things I’m slightly overweight but I’ve been on a weight loss journey for the last year anyways and I’m down 33lbs but have another 20 or so to go. I’m concerned for so many things so this is getting convoluted but overall what I’ve got from my SO and best friend is that their biggest worry is my mental and the separation of it being a sibling vs child. At the same time I am only here because of my mom and I’d love to help her but is it weird? Is it only weird if I make it weird? Any actual advice or insight from something similar would be great. Thank you in advance.
Comments
Don’t do it. At the very least you should talk to a therapist.
This is weird asf ngl
It wouldn’t even be your sibling. It would straight up be your daughter??
Yeah no don’t!
Babies don’t save marriages.
The child would be basically yours not your sibling, technically speaking.
Even if you were down with it i think having a kid at 53-54 is extremely selfish. She would be 71-72 by the time the kid was an adult. They wouldn’t be able to be physically active or participate in the same way they could 20+ years ago. It is definitely weird especially if you arent comfortable with it.
So many levels to unpack. Sibling? more like your bio child with your stepdad. Ew. He’s a stepdad that never fully stepped up. You weren’t “good enough” to treat like his child, until of course it’s for using your body to give him his true heir. !!!! Having a baby over 50 …to save the marriage?? YIKES????? He married her knowing she had her tubes tied and now he has regrets meanwhile he had a whole kid in front of him since you were 6. Sounds like a terrible idea in general. I would be brutally honest with your mom after talking it out with friends, therapist and unpacking all your feelings so you can be clear and articulate all the reasons this is not a good idea.
Dont do it
Why cant they adopt
I wouldn’t do it.
You’d be jacked up on hormone shots to get your ovaries to produce more mature eggs than usually possible, then they (I hate this term!) “harvest” more than one egg, usually. As many as possible, because many of those won’t be healthy/viable enough for IVF, and your mom will probably also be pumped full of hormones to get her body to accept the fertilized egg……
I don’t think the odds are very high at all for one of the eggs to stick because of her age, unfortunately.
Don’t let them push you to be a surrogate! Ewwww!
……and when the parents are too old (or, sorry, dead), your may be first in line for them to delegate sibling stuff to you, which you don’t seem too interested in…..there’s a lot of paperwork involved in this, make sure your wishes are known as far as wanting to, or NOT wanting to, take care of that kid if its parents can’t take care of it anymore…..don’t put your name on anything YOUR lawyer needs to explain to you first…….
IMHO, if Mom keeps running into doctors that won’t untie her tubes due to her age, don’t want her to take on a high-risk pregnancy (already considered high-risk because of her age)……maybe she should listen to the experts and either accept no children, adopt, foster, surrogate (again, GOOD surrogacy agencies do look at the parents’ ages)…….
If 10 years younger step-dad really NEEDS to pass on his name and legacy and all that crap, he probably has more options then your mom.
Has your mom started/ended menopause yet?
There’s just so many problems, plus they want group therapy? Ick.
Your mother, almost any freaking mother, would never ever ever ask this of her child!?!? This is super way no no no no!! I feel like this is your stepdad pressuring your mom for one of your eggs which is extra super weird. Even still, your mom should not be sacrificing the child she has for this fairytale child she wants for your stepdad. She was wrong the moment she agreed to ask you. Please don’t do this, I think your relationship may already be in jeopardy with her just asking this of you.
I would make this a hard no.
Children shouldn’t be brought into the world just to ‘save a marriage’. Eventually the kid is going to figure out that that was their purpose and that’s a burden no one should have.
That would be your daughter, not your sibling, but also your sibling, and that’s just a really messy dynamic to have to navigate.
If they have the resources to pay for therapy and all the bills, they can buy an egg from an egg bank that’s not related to you. And, if they are ineligible to buy from an egg bank then they shouldn’t be pursuing this at all.
Nope yourself outta there ….