I’m 22 years old and currently live with my parents while I continue my education. I also have a younger brother.
Throughout my life, my dad has consistently treated my mom poorly. He’s often mean and condescending toward her, and he lashes out over small things, especially when he’s frustrated by external issues like work or driving.
My younger brother tends to side with my dad, mostly to avoid making things worse. He usually tells my mom to just stay quiet and not respond so my dad doesn’t escalate.
This has been going on for years, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize how wrong it really is. My mom deserves so much better, especially given how much she’s sacrificed for all of us, and for me, particularly during the hardest times in my life.w
She confides in me often and breaks down crying about how unappreciated and small she feels in the family. I always try to comfort her, hugging her and letting her know I’m here for her.
However, a few days ago she said something that really broke my heart. Through tears, she asked if I was only being kind to her because I care about the inheritance my parents will leave behind.
I’ve always known we would receive a decent inheritance, but that has never been my motivation or something I even think about.
My mom says since my brother is pursuing a career that is already paying him very well, that’s why he doesn’t even care about it and act the way he does. I truly don’t know how to feel about this and help her. I feel so bad.
Any advice on how to comfort her?
Comments
Write her a card or letter explaining what you just said.
They’ve got her thinking she doesn’t deserve to be treated kindly, so she’s questioning why you do. That’s sad.
I don’t have the words, but she needs to realize she is worth being kind to.
She is broken. Broken people tend to voice their worst fears in this way to those they love. Make sure she understands that money is not your motive- money is never guaranteed. Can you defend your mom more? I would. Dad needs to back off.
This is incredibly sad. Your father has abused your mother for so long that she thinks that the only reason anyone would be kind to her is for their own personal gain, even her own child. I would talk to her when it’s just the two of you. Start by saying that you want to talk about the conversation you had before and tell her that you love and value her no matter what – that a potential inheritance has nothing to do with it. You can tell her that as you’ve grown older, you have come to understand how wrong your dad’s behavior is and how much your mom has done for you and the whole family. Addressing it this way validates her and it validates you. You can also talk about your brother’s approach to dealing with your dad’s abuse – in telling her to stay quiet, that he isn’t condoning the abuse or trying to devalue your mother, that his coping mechanism is to do damage control – to try to keep it from being worse. That he values and loves your mom too.
Just share with her that it breaks your heart that she is so downtrodden that any care or loving kindness is seen as suspect. Hug her and reassure her you love her dearly and thinks she deserves to be loved and treated kindly.
There are some good books out there, like “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” and “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” that you should read. Your mother casts herself in the role of victim and eventually she probably projects on to everyone else the role of abuser. Now you are in her cross hairs. I know some will blame your father and brother, but remember – your mother picked your father. My guess is that her issues started in her childhood. I think it would be good for you to learn about codependency and how to separate and individuate from your parents so that your identity isn’t caught up in their lifelong issues.
Might want to read up on menopause, as well as read up on being parentified.
I’m kind but firm with my mom when she can be like this.
I assume there is not a lot of evidence to back up her claim that you are a user.
With my mom I just gently but firmly reply in the moment or I let it go.
I would bet your mom is embarrassed.
Awe, this is so sad. She has lost trust in everyone. If she can get therapy, it would be amazing. Maybe you can steer her there. Never let what she says make you mad. She has good reason for feeling like people are only nice to her if they want something. Geez, I hate this.
Tell her what you just told us. Tell her you realized she deserved better and that has nothing to do with money.
Would it help to reframe that thought with her?
Your mother has been worn down by her relationship with your father. She feels worthless and small and can’t understand why anyone would care about her or if she is even worth caring about without some ulterior motive.
While it might sound crass, perhaps if it’s viewed differently, your mother will better understand how ridiculous the thought really was.
For example: pointing out that your parents would likely survive for say 40 years (or however long) so if you were just doing it for the inheritance why would you start so early?
Or
Why would you have to do that? Who else would the inheritance go to except to your brother and yourself? There’s no reason to act differently for something so far in the future anyways.
Again, it might sound harsh, but so was her comment. Then, let her know how you genuinely care about her. Tell her that if you had a friend experience the same thing, you would want to support and help that friend. If you would do that for a friend, wouldn’t it make even more sense to care for your own parent? (Thinking about the context outside of herself might make it more reasonable for her.)
The recommendations to read books to better understand how to navigate these parental relationships may also be beneficial for you. It’s important to be there for your mother and offer your support, but it is equally important to be aware of yourself and your feelings. Caregiver burnout can happen in these situations, which can be made worse if you are constantly giving too much of yourself. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. This is a tough situation but creating codependency with your mother will also be harmful both for your relationship and for yourself.
Remind her that people don’t have children for the future pay off of elder coordination/care, and adult children don’t demonstrate care for their parents for the future inheritance: in both cases it’s a 40 to 50 year delay until either party benefits.
My mother spoke all the time about how much I would inherit when she was gone, she was extremely comfortable.
She’s 88 years old now and the nursing home took every cent. I don’t care I never wanted any of her money, and she’s not really a nice person, but I’m kind of her because no one else is.
Your Mom probably needs to see a counselor. This is not something you can fix for her.
Sad your mom can’t accept nice treatment but the reality is she’s used to being treated like shit so it’s probably difficult for her to accept that you’re kind to her bc you love her.
Do everything you can to be a safe place for mom. Build her up, point out her talents and strengths. Offer to be there for her if she ever gets the strength to leave her abuser.
Tell your mom that you hope she spends every penny and there is no inheritance. Tell her that personally, you don’t plan to leave money to anybody because when you die you want it to be a real tragedy! Try a little humor. Tell her you hope she outlives everybody.
Tell her you love her for who she is, then ask to take that inheritance money and Please see a therapist as soon as possible for as long as necessary to instill self confidence in a woman who has capably managed all these years.
Tell her to get a divorce and go with her I guess.