i’m having a bit of a problem figuring out whether or not to tell my dad about this because its not as black and white as it usually is with their relationship. SO, just for you to understand why, i’m going to give a bit of backstory.
my parents have/had been married for 15 years. since around february 23rd they’ve been getting a divorce. this isn’t the first time they’ve split up, as they took a half a year long break in around 2016.
this time is different though because they’ve bought a house together, animals together, and of course me and my siblings. the reason for divorce is because my mom feels unloved. there is an explanation though: my dads dad died last summer, and he’d really taken it to heart. he’d been completely depressed, lost his job, and lost all hope. he spent all day in his office playing video games and emotionally neglecting all of us. i think she’d brought it up to him a few times that she wanted to hangout but he wasn’t up to it. when she made the decision to divorce him i was the first to know. she’d told she wanted the divorce and he spent days crying alone in his bedroom and would tell me that he never even thought for a second he’d lose her + he didn’t want to.
since that day she told me she wasn’t in love with him anymore, she’d been very nervous and sneaky about her phone. i’ve always had the passcode to her phone and ALWAYS been allowed to go on it whenever i wanted but during those months after she told me she changed her pin, and i wouldn’t even be allowed to hold her phone without her freaking out. i knew something was off and one day she fell asleep with it open so i peeked (yes i know, invasion of privacy. forgive me) i found out she’d been messaging a guy she met on her online video games. her and this man were saying they loved eachother, planning irl meetups, talking shit about my dad, talking shit about me AND my girlfriend, and all these other things. come to find out this was also going on before she even told him she wanted a divorce.
i confronted her as soon as i finished reading all of this on her phone (this all happened about a week ago) and we got into an argument. my dads one request from her during this divorce was that it wasn’t like the first time where she instantly got into another relationship and flaunted it everywhere. he told her he wanted time for things to chill off and for him to be okay, she agreed. she lied. she told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore and let me read the messages of her breaking it off. this week we’ve been better and i’ve believed her. she even gave me her passcode again so i really didn’t have anything to doubt.
today, i went on her phone to send myself some photos she took of me yesterday, and i saw he’d messaged her. instantly i check it and see that she had in fact lied, and they have been continuously talking.
my dad is finally doing good again, he’s got a good paying job, (that my mom is furious about-she told her new boyfriend that he’s leaving her in the dust as soon as he starts making money???) he’s going out and hanging with his family (that he’s been isolated from because my mom didn’t like them) and other good things like that.
my question is: do i tell him about all of this? i know they technically aren’t together (though we are all still living in the same house currently waiting for it to be sold) but i’d also hate for him to find out later and know that i knew about this and didn’t say anything. almost like i’m on her side and don’t care about him. if it were me i would want to know but i don’t know if he would. i just don’t know what to do about this whole thing. any advice is appreciated.
Comments
Tell him gently and stick to just the facts, he deserves the truth from someone who actually cares. Keeping it in will only eat at you and mess with your trust in both of them.
If you’re thinking into it like you are, I think it will weigh on your own conscious if you don’t.
I think you want to tell him. And if that’s what you want to do, you should do it or you will regret it.
They’re getting a divorce let it go
If they’re going through with the divorce, I’d stay out of it. You don’t want to be put in the middle or potentially blamed for sharing that information. That is information you can never take back. It is a terrible thing to have to hold onto and I’m sorry you’re in this predicament, but ultimately, it’s their marriage/divorce.
This isn’t a question reddit is qualified to answer.
Knowing this could send your dad into another tailspin just as he’s getting it together.
The only reason to tell him would be if it becomes germane to the divorce negotiations.
IMO mind your own business. If they’re going through a divorce, this doesn’t need to be added onto it. And if they’re going through a divorce, he’s not cheating.
MYOB
It sounds like your parents haven’t been acting like a married couple for a long time. Your dad checked out of his life, and then your mom checked out of the marriage. It’s pretty common to attach to someone else when you’re looking for a way out. I think it makes it a lot easier to go through with it for a lot of reasons.
I’m sure you feel like your dad just has to know right this minute, but it isn’t going to do anything but make their divorce a lottt messier, hurt him more, and it will be a lot more dramatic and harder on all of you. I would wait until they were at least out of the same house, esp if that is happening soon. She knows that you know, the threat of that might actually make the split more amicable(for now).
Your mom was shit talking you to a guy she met on a video game? Did I read that correctly?
Stay out of it. There is no upside in telling him. They are divorcing don’t add more drama.
Your mom sounds vindictive
It’s not your place to say anything regardless of how you might personally feel. If they’re divorcing anyway it’s her right to see other people, just as he would have the same rights. Is it messed up? Absolutely. But if there’s no love between them anymore there’s no point in shaking things up any further. It’s ultimately her karma to own up to, and it isn’t your job to go poking the bear. Leave it alone.
I would just stay out of it, unless they seem to be getting back together, then he should know everything.
If you keep this secret you will save your familuly
I’d tell him tbh
if they’re getting divorced, it’s pretty immaterial. the decision to separate has already been made, so whether they’re seeing other people makes no difference.
tell mom to tell dad so that you don’t have to.
Tell them to go their separate ways and stop making your life stressful. They may be staying because of finances and don’t want to leave their home. Give them permission to truly separate and keep you out of their drama. Leave it at that
As a man and a father, although this information may hurt, he will most likely love you more to know there’s at least someone in this world looking out for him. Women get a lot of comfort and sympathy compared to men who feel like islands with nobody else to trust or talk to.
Not your business
Stay away. Love them equally. Care for them equally
He deserves the truth sure but how will he handle it mentally and emotionally and it’s coming from you that could put you as piggy in the middle.
Difficult spot what about getting her to tell him.
Maybe say to her about how she instills into you about trust and honesty.
I’m sure you have been given this speal
your parents should never have involved you in their personal life. very wrong. don’t get any more involved. your mother needs to grow up. not a good role model for you
Maybe don’t tell him at this moment because of everything going on. But I’m not a professional
Your M and D have not been treating each other as though they’re each other’s caring spouse for a very, very long time. When someone’s spouse has a parent who passes away, they are supposed to stand beside them and behind them to support them in their struggles. That’s the job. It’s not the job to turn to ppl who are more fun online and spend time investing in that relationship instead of looking after my marriage. It’s also the job, when a normal amount of grief turns into depression, that the person actively seek out mental health support from professionals and take whatever action is necessary towards improving their situation. They cannot isolate themselves, refuse treatment and just expect your spouse to tolerate being around you while depressed because being around you is miserable!!!
This is not your situation to deal with. The adults aren’t even acting like adults in this situation. Just keep your head down and get tf outta there ASAP!!
Who are you going to live with? Perhaps give this a bit more time to hash out before you decide what to do. You should not be in the middle of this, and you shouldn’t have to choose between parents. I would talk to a counselor if you can
This tricky since your dad started having a life again and we dnt know how his mental health at the moment. It is good your dad is connecting with family again and that will be a good support for you and your dad.
Your mom is something else for putting you in the middle of this. Take care of yourseld bec this whole thing will affect you till your adulthood.
Since they are getting a divorce dnt tell your dad yet until the divorce is finalize. Both you, your siblings and your dad shls go to therapy. You all need this.
I am hoping for the best for you.
I say tell him. Your parents are in the process of a divorce. Might as well tell him.
I would if I were in your shoes.
Trust me bro tell him
No! Stay neutral. Good luck 👍🏾
He deserves to know regardless of the divorce.
Don’t tell him and risk him falling back into depression. Your Dad probably already knows, just be supportive of him.
It’s already over. Don’t bother stressing him anymore. Use it for blackmail against your selfish mother. Sorry that’s not the best advice I understand… but that’s how I feel after reading that!