I just saw a tik tok where a girl said she would choose her mom to be her mom again in every single lifetime if she could.
Mom- I can’t say that I’d choose you as a mom in every lifetime; but I know I wouldn’t choose a life that didn’t know you.
You were the first person I ever knew, and probably the best person in so many ways. But you also weren’t the best in so many others.
I know addiction is hard and I now know how awesome drugs are. You had kids after knowing drugs and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.
To try and fight the pull of addiction with the pull of love. I know you loved us.
I know it.
But you loved drugs more.
And I don’t blame you. I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I think anyone who survived what you did would have some kind of addiction.
But yours was meth. And I’ve dabbled with drugs- but never meth. I can’t. I hate that one so much. More than heroine that eventually ended up in your rotation. I hated it more than the cigarettes that were funded by our multiple trips to the liquor store to buy gum with paper foodstamps for the change. I hated it more than the boyfriends and husband you prioritized and sided with over us.
But you loved us. You can see it from the three (or four with Patrick- but you didn’t really raise him, so it’s a wash with that one) successful, amazing, beautiful children that are here now succeeding beyond even the dreams we had for ourselves.
You loved us. You loved us FOR us- not who we would become. I know you died loving us.
I miss you momma. I miss dropping my cover of security of being the “good girl” and saying shit that made you laugh till you cried. I miss your expressiveness, your personality, your laugh, your smile, your humor, your love, and your IDGAF attitude.
I wish you were still here and I wish you had gotten better.
I’m happy you’re at peace now.
But I miss you mom.